The Douchebaggery Resumes

Lovers and friends,

It's back. And so am I. First, the big news: there's been a major upgrade in my life. Not only do I watch my television under the stars in my new palatial estate with a new roommate and love of my life; I watch my television with a remote that fast-forwards and rewinds and tapes TV shows. Some of you may know this as "DVR." I know it as brilliant. Now I have more options besides the mute button! When inevitable awkwardness and disaster ensues, I can simply end it altogether! Can you handle The Bachelor Update 2.0? Why, you ask, did it take me so long to get DVR? Reminder: I'm famous and busy and why bother when you're a jet-setter? But since I got a massive apartment upgrade, I figured I'd upgrade the technology as well.

I'll keep this short and sweet, as opposed to ABC's approach to the show (two hours?? every time??). This season, our lovely bachelorette is Jillian, the scorned Canadian lover made famous by last season's hot tub scene with Jason. She's back, bitches, and she's ready to find love. But I'll be honest...do her suitors know she lives in Canada? Are they prepared to move their lives to this mythical land of peace and snow? Putting that thought aside, let's get to the dudes.

One of the things I love about The Bachelorette, is the brief respite we get from the lady drama of The Bachelor. Instead, it's replaced with the dude douchebaggery we've come to love so much. And also a few six packs. On that note, here are a few of the highlights of the 30 (yes, 30) lovers vying for Jillian's affection.

-A breakdance instructor.
-A "fitness model."
-A trucking coordinator. Where do I begin with this one...
-A man with no upper lip.
-An awkwardly tall and unattractive Brit.
-And the 82 requisite Texans.

As always, the arrival of the men provided a dizzying array of fashion don'ts, which I always love. Who let these men out of the house wearing these outfits? Neon green dress shirts? Cowboy hats? Fat ties that aren't tied tightly? I just can't.

Besides the heinously awkward silence/brainfreeze of David's arrival, the meet-and-greets were pretty painless. The men seemed very nervous as a whole, but nothing too drama. But wait...did anyone notice Jillian's dress towards the end of the arrivals? It was wet and brown on the bottom due to the wet pavement she stood on for 3 hours as the dudes arrived. Awesome! But don't worry...there was definitely a costume change before she enters the house. $100 bucks says none of the guys noticed.

The attention-grabbing commences immediately as Jillian enters the house. Guys steal Jillian away from each other, do embarrassing things, we all know how it goes. My favorite was the Kyle/Brian time with Jillian. Kyle, a picture-perfect cut-out of an alterna-Brooklynite competes for Jillian's attention with Brian, a picture-perfect cut-out of a hick from 'Bama. Loved it! Half-way through the night, five more dudes arrive (gasp!) to round out the dude-to-Jillian ratio at 30:1.

The First Impression Rose (FIR) is always the big moment of episode one, and this season it went to David, the man with the absolute WORST first impression of all. Remember? He walked up to Jillian and then went to completely mute for what seemed to be 82 seconds?

After two hours of boredom, Jillian selects 20 men to remain.

Danny
Jake
Jesse
Wes
Mathue (What? Are you kidding with this spelling?)
Michael
Robby
Ed
Reed (or is it Wade?)
Simon
Kiptyn (Kudos for best name.)
Mike
Brian
Sasha
Julien (Jillian and Julien? Um...no.)
Tanner P
Mark
Brad
Tanner F (Yes, two Tanners.)
Juan (Stop pretending you're from Argentina. You lived there for five minutes.)

Awards:
1) Best costume change: Jillian's arrival into the house in the exact same gown in which she greeted the men; only this one was clean!
2) Best alterna-attempt: Kyle, the Brooklynite, who was sent home in his skinny jeans.
3) Smallest upper lip: John H., the dude who almost cried after he was sent home. Barf.
4) Front-runners as of week 1: Kiptyn and Mark.

Until next week,
Mike