Finale

Welcome to the world’s shortest Bachelor finale. Yes, ABC continues its budget cuts by squeezing the “most dramatic final rose ceremony” into fewer than 60 minutes. Amazing.

To further emphasize the budget woes, the final two ladies do not visit Brad in his hometown, the family comes to Malibu so the girls can just show up in a limo and visit for five minutes.

First things first: the little brother, Wes. Let’s talk about the Womack gene pool and how it pooled all its resources in the first two boys, Brad and Chad. The twins got the business, and the little bro got screwed. Sucks to be him.

DeAnna is the first to arrive at Brad’s bachelor pad. She meets the family, she retains her typical unemotional and business-like persona, and she blows.

Jenni arrives next, and the Womack family stomachs their second meal in two hours and the also does their best to stomach Jenni’s horribly annoying laugh. It’s unbearable to say the least, and I have to mute the telly. Nothing else eventful happens because there’s only 40 minutes left in the episode!

On to step two: the final date before you get a) proposed to; or b) dissed for eternity.

DeAnna cooks or bakes or does something. They cuddle. Nothing happens. Honestly, I’m so glad this is the last episode because I can’t deal anymore.

Jenni entertains Brad next, and she tells him she loves him. Her dress is cheap and dumb and she doesn’t know how to use her chopsticks over their Asian feast. She uses two hands, and I love every minute of it.

And then…we see her tattoo in a brief moment of cinematic genius. Of smiley faces. On her shoulder. It’s really a work of art…by a kindergartner.

And then she reads from her diary. I am forced to hand the remote to my couch companion, Aileen, because she knows I will mute the whole speech. And then she reads the next work of American literary genius from her dear diary. I barf.

Sidenote: worst season ever.

Brad goes to Chopard to buy a ring. And then he shows his hot bod, and then he chooses the girl.

Jenni arrives first. Our thoughts swirl. Is he choosing DeAnna? Is ABC screwing with our minds and making us think he hates Jenni? Is this the worst season ever? Oh, sorry, off topic.

And then, he dumps her. Wait, for real? Is he really choosing the cold, unemotional disaster that is DeAnna? Well, once we see Jenni’s eye make-up, it makes it easier for us, but still. And then, we realize we don’t care because we are entirely uninvested in any of these women.

DeAnna arrives to the scene next. Brad says, “There is not a single thing that I’m looking for in my future wife that DeAnna does not possess.” Oh really. You don’t want emotions? Or, better yet, you want a cold-as-ice bride? Good for you! You win! Brad chooses her. Bore galore.

OR WAIT!!!!! HE DOESN’T!!!!! He leaves her alone on the pedestal while he thinks about it, and then he returns to DUMP HER TOO!!! ARE. YOU. KIDDING?!?!?!?! Sidenote: I felt bad for five seconds while she stood there alone, and then I realize that I love every minute of it because I’m actually surprised. And who cares. She’s cold as ice.

Worst season ever quickly turns into the best ending ever. We no longer have to read in People in January that the blessed engagement is over and Brad has moved on. We no longer have to tell our friends that we like this show even though it blows and it’s full of empty promises.

And so it comes full circle, my beloved readers. We now understand the “budget cuts” and the short episodes, and the utter disaster that was this season. ABC knew there was nothing. We knew too, but we were fooled. I love it.

Until next time…if there is a next time.

Mike