It's back. It's international. It's the Bachelor.

So our favorite show is back and so am I. It’s our first international bachelor, and we all couldn’t be more excited. (Unless, of course, this show was actually any good, in which case my career as blogger would be more prolific and internationally-recognized.)

Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!

Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.

As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.

After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)

There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.

So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.

Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.

Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.

Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?

And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.

Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.

At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.

After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.

Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H

Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.

Until next week,

Mike