The Finale, or, "I Freakin' Love You!"

Please tell me I wasn’t the only one with a racing heart in the opening moments of the show. Seriously. Has my live devolved into this? Do I really live for Monday nights during which I can see “real” people “fall in love” on national television in a series of well-planned-out scenarios? Who am I kidding? Of course this is my life. And I love it.

It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.

The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.

Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?

Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.

A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!

Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.

After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.

Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.

Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.

Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…

Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.

The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.

Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.

Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)

During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.

Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.

And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.

Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.

Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.

Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.

Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)

And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.

Until next season!

Mike

p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?