Good lord, the year-long intro profiling OG’s feelings about each of the Final Four was enough to make me pour another glass of wine. I’m not gonna lie, I was excited to see the drama. We all know that tonight’s episode is full of inevitably awkward and mutable moments, so let’s get to the drama STAT! (Am I the only one remembering Jen’s crazy, gun-pulling dad from last season? Glad that romance lasted…) Hold on…another sip of wine…and we’re off.
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
No comments:
Post a Comment