The Train Wreck Begins

Friends, lovers, ex-friends, ex-lovers and current crushes,

Welcome back to the most holy hour on television. What have I been doing since Lorenzo ruined our lives last fall? Nothing. But thanks for asking. Well, I’m sure I’ve been busy, but I’ve been mildly sedated for most of it because I just can’t find a source of happiness and/or a reason to live when our beloved Bachelor isn’t airing. Thus I turn to my medicine cabinet for solace. But enough about me! Y’all be looking good too!

Before we begin, let’s talk about the build-up for season 82. I must say, the TV ads preceding this season have been ab-filled, have they not? Who has 18 abs? His stomach makes me nervous—I feel like he has that same inflated chest thing going on that my He-Man action figures had in 1984. Am I the only one? How has he stayed active in the Navy with a body like that? We all know that no straight man looks that good in a bathing suit. Oh wait, are we still doing that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mess? I guess he slipped under the radar…

And, without further ado, I’d like to announce the bachelor’s nickname for this season. Since he’s totally ghetto—and by “ghetto” I mean a white doctor/Navy lieutenant with a Duke pedigree named Andy—I’ve decided to call him “O.G.” (Officer and Gentleman, duh). What up, O.G.? How ‘da thug life treatin’ you?

As for his lady friends, I’m loving the predictable cadre of space cadets. There are few surprises. Blondes abound, and we have our requisite “diversity” cases, Texans and Tampa Trash!

On the subject of Texans, though, I’m a bit upset. Four Texans? I can’t. What, did they hold a casting at the Houston Galleria? Or was it at the $30,000 Millionaire Convention in Dallas? Most likely the latter, let’s be honest. And don’t get me started on the four South Carolinians…All in all, 11 out of the 25 lady friends are from the South.

But let’s get off the mathematical equations, and on to the introductions between the most awkward man on television (O.G.) and his suitors. The 25 women arrive one by one, most of whom wearing bad dresses. Not all of whom told bad jokes. Tessa from California told a joke about muffins and I died. Literally almost left the room.

But I saved leaving the room for another occasion—when Tina the med student sang the national anthem in her middle school choir voice. At that point, I hid in the bathroom. I’m serious. I also cringed when Blakeney (I’m sorry, what is your name?) fell because she was wasted. Ain’t nothing but class.

This year’s batch is certainly gainfully employed! ABC casters did well matching up those with interests in the medical field with our Dr. O.G. But some of the others have job titles that…well…aren’t doing them any favors. Let’s start with Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.” I don’t even know what that means. What are you doing recruiting sorority sluts at age 25? Have you not emerged from your booze-soaked undergrad days yet? 7th-year senior are you? Peyton, please try to find another job title that masks what you actually do. When you emerge out of your post-college bubble (the real world), I think you might find that people laugh in your face when you tell them your job. By the way, we live in the real world. Welcome to it. You may want to submit your resignation to Jamma Vi Brata as soon as humanly possible.

A few more notes on the contestants before I laugh at them more…

- Andy/O.G. is seriously embarrassing. I don’t think he’s seen a girl since he joined the Navy because he cannot communicate with them. It’s sad. Now we know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
- Linda from Ohio has biceps bigger than my thighs. Oh, and her ears and eyes are enormous too. I don’t think she’s built well…although she did a push-up contest with him. Good decision? No.
- The “first impression” rose went to Stephanie…only after she asked for it. So dumb. O.G. has no backbone.
- The gymnastic/flip/body tricks were no fun for anyone.
- The cake was no fun either.

One question before the rose ceremony. Is O.G. 5 feet tall? Yes. He’s shorty swing my way. Chris Harrison is taller than him! I mean…

And the roses went to.

1) Stephanie—got the “first impression” rose! Woohoo!
2) Peyton. The lovebirds share a birthday!
3) Bevin—they like each other
4) Kate from SC
5) Alexis
6) Danielle from CT
7) Amber
8) Tiffany from MA—she’s wearing a bridesmaid’s dress
9) Tessa—told the muffin joke
10) Nicole—ugly aqua dress…she’s drunk
11) Susan—blonde for days…and some major nipple action
12) Amanda—cute half-Asian. Smart and cute.
13) Erin—I’m thinking her blonde hair isn’t natural
14) Tina—girl needs to fix her bad voice
15) Stephanie—from Overland Park, Ka (means she works at Sprint)

Awards:

1) Sore loser award: Lindsay from KS stomped out b/c she was wasted and made mess of herself. I. Loved. Every. Minute. Of . It!
2) Best quote: “He short, his head is big, and his teeth look fake”—Lindsay, the drunk ho referenced above. But the chica speaks the truth!
3) Most awkward bachelor ever: O.G.
4) Best (worst) job title: Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.”
5) Out-in-front Future Winner: No one. You all suck.

That’s it for now. I’ll write more next week after having spent a week on the beach because I’m famous.

Mike