Under the bus

After having arrived home from Paris earlier this evening, I must admit that I’m in a bit of a jet-lagged haze. It is technically after 5 am Paris time as I write this, so I’m foggy. My body is also getting ready to adjust to a life without constant fresh baguettes, pounds of cheese, and other rich and fatty foods on a daily basis. And let’s not even mention the continual flow of wine into my body at all hours of the day…but enough about me. Let’s get to the Officer and Gentleman (OG for those who don’t remember due to my hiatus last week)!

OG flies the girls to Tahoe, and we get to spend some special time with them fireside. On the first date, Bevin cries because her ankle hurts, and other emotions are shared with America. I don’t care. So I take a shower and wash off Paris and an 8-hour flight (which featured a hot-ass Daniel Craig in Casino Royale—YUM). While showering I think of how this episode is the episode that centers on the “There’s only one guy and all these girls” theme. The gossip begins. I’m over it.

I return to Stephanie’s (KS) tears. I also am reminded that we’re using the term “Special Quality Time” (SQT) this season. It’s just so gross. SQT makes me think of time spent alone thinking naughty thoughts and doing naughty things. We all love some SQT, but don’t say it 82 times an episode.

Bevin gets the sympathy vote for SQT because she broke her kankle and OG tells her he’s a nerd. No…REALLY?!? Ugh. Then they make out. Then it gets worse because he calls her his “sanctuary.” Are we kidding right now? And then she hobbles off into the distance.

Date two. It’s Stephanie’s (SC) birthday. We don’t care. They ski, it’s funny, I laugh. One girls says she didn’t understand the concept of the pizza slice. I think her thighs beg to differ. Kidding…

And then the bitching begins. Girls point fingers, name call, and tell OG secrets. Tessa continues to worry and doubt the experience, OG (looking good, I must add), reassures her that he likes her. But who wants to beg for chicks to like him? Not me…

Stephanie from SC then “throws girls under the bus.” Kudos for using a great expression, no kudos for actually implementing it. Skank. He totally annoys her. Kate continues the rumor-spreading. She totally sucks. What a raging ho.

Special Quality Time was a “no brainer” and he chooses Dr. Tina. That was actually nice, because she was the only one that brought zero drama to the date. They talk in the gondola, and it actually seems very genuine. Wait…am I being serious right now? Maybe it’s the jet lag talking. Or the Heineken from the Paris airport’s American Airlines Admirals Club that I stuffed in my bag. According the Heineken it’s the “Biere de Prestige.” It’s Dutch like me, so it’s clearly prestigious. Back to the date. Tina and OG chat on a mountaintop, and OG doesn’t seem very into it. It’s awkward but fine. Am I the only one that is still haunted by memories of her singing the National Anthem in episode number one? The horror…

The one-on-one date is for Amber, who was thrown under the bus by Kate on the group date. OG arrives in a dapper ski sweater and takes her away with the intention of getting to know the “true Amber.” They share wine and fondue by the fire while OG tells Amber of the bitch-talking he heard from the others. Amber tries to calm him about the rumors and OG appreciates her candidness. Ugh…I’m not sure if I believe him because he always sounds like a slightly-stoned frat boy who has trouble piecing together words to make sentences. They kiss, they kiss again in the hot tub, and he gets out to give her a rose. Then they kiss some more.

Rose ceremony time. Stephanie from SC puts it best by—in typical Southern style—elongating a two-syllable word into three. “Tonight is fa-reak-ing crazy!” Kate wears a HORRENDOUS dress that looks like a doily for a funeral, and she fesses up to her stupid rumor-spreading habits. Stupid. Stephanie from SC says her dress is “smokin’ hot.” I beg to differ. I think it should be up in smoke.

Speaking of up in smoke, her future just may be because she continues to throw people under the bus. She is a mess and I hate her. Bevin can hardly breathe because she’s nervous. She clearly needs to get a grip, but OG is into her. He plays with her hair and kisses her.

Kate then continues to spread gossip like wildfire saying that Tina said that Amber almost boned OG in the hot tub. I want her to go ahead and shoot herself in the face. She is a devil woman.

After all the drama, OG gives roses to:

Amber
Tessa
Danielle
Bevin
Tina
Stephanie KS

That means that booby Stephanie SC, back-stabbing Kate and zitty Nicole didn’t get roses. Good riddance to Stephanie and Kate. Nicole was kinda funny, but whatever.

Awards:

1) Throw yourself under the bus award: Kate
2) Best broken kankle: Bevin
3) Fakest boobs: Stephanie SC

Until next week,
Mike