And the shirts are off!

It is episode two. And we already get to see skin! Yay! Go team! But wait....O.G. has an oddly-shaped rib cage and 0% body fat. Dude’s finished the Iron Man six times. I didn’t necessarily love him to begin with, but now he’s just making me feel obese. And, to pat myself on the back a little, I’m not big. In fact, I’m slim. But enough about me, let’s talk about fat Andy. Er wait…he’s all muscle. Mental note: lift more weights. But don’t grow a distorted rib cage.

Episode two has three dates: two group dates and an individual date reserved for Stephanie from South Carolina, the winner of the first-impression rose. She’s trashy, by the way.

Let’s get down to business because the quicker we do, the quicker we can mock O.G.

Date One: The Sunset Strip

Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa join Andy on a tour of the Sunset Strip. First stop: Saddle Ranch, home of the mechanical bull. What better way to get to know the ladies than to watch their jugs shake on a big metal bull! Thus, we get to see shaky boobs for 10 minutes. We all know that nothing gets me going more than boobs, so I was in heaven.

After touring the rest of the culturally-rich Sunset Strip, the crew heads to a hotel where they get to wear pretty dresses and see O.G.’s pretty body. They drink on the rooftop, change into bathing suits, and fawn over O.G.s ripped body. What could be better than the first underwater kiss? Nothing. Thanks for supplying us with the essential awkwardness, Bevin. Oh, and Bevin, please stop pretending you’re old and wise by prefacing thoughts with things like “At my age…” You’re 28. You’re not 65. You haven’t seen it all, my friend.

Andy chose to spend his “Special Quality Time” with Tiffany. More awkwardness ensues. Not only because they each said “Special Quality Time” 17 times, but also because Tiffany is personality-free. Amazing.

Date Two: Iron Man a la Loews Santa Monica

Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton join the Iron Man himself at the Loews hotel for a fitness extravaganza. Erin and Susan, the Besty and Busty Blondes, thoroughly un-impress me with their athletic prowess. I’m not into them…AT ALL. What are they, 12? They were nervous to approach Andy, so they did it together. They were nervous because they sucked at sports, so they sucked together. They were nervous about their dark hair, so they dyed it together. Overall, no fun. I hate chicks like this. Be confident. Stand up for yourself. And stop dying your hair like that.

Amber wins the Iron Man contest, and, well, great for her. This whole date was dumb and I’m over it.

Date Three: Romantic Sunset Cruise

Stephanie from SC gets to take a sunset cruise on O.G.’s yacht. Yeah, it’s not your yacht, O.G. Don’t pretend it is. Stephanie embarrasses humanity by reenacting the Titanic scene on the bow. O.G. laughs nervously (like a lot), Stephanie throws her dignity into the wind…and then it falls into the ocean. Oops…

Pre-Rose Ceremony. Girls say dumb things, the Sorority Recruiter chick defends her fake job, and the Besty and Busty Blondes further live up to the amazing nickname I’ve given them. Tina plays the “Oh poor me, I’m a smart med student” card. I was more like, “Oh poor you, you sang a ridiculous song for him upon meeting him and we all died inside.” Then Tessa gives him a random-ass foot massage and then she breaks down and cries. Weird.

Rose Ceremony.

And the roses go to:

1) Stephanie (from the individual date)
2) Tessa
3) Danielle
4) Bevin
5) Amber
6) Stephanie KS
7) Kate
8) Nicole
9) Tina
10) Peyton
11) Amanda
12) Erin. WHAT?!?

Home: Alexis, Tiffany, Susan (one half of the Besty and Busty Blonde duo)
Awards:

1) Captain Condescension award: Andy O.G. He gives a “I believe in true love, and that person is out there for you” preface to the rose ceremony. I’m sure the girls he dissed appreciated that. Thanks.
2) You’re a Virgin and You’re Going Home award: Alexis. Sorry. You might want to go ahead and cash in that mess.
3) Ears McGee award: Stephanie from SC. You might want to go ahead and tape you ears back.

Until next week…or not…

Mike

p.s. I’m famous and I’m traveling quite a bit in the next two weeks. We’ll see if I send your reason for living.