Let the drama begin!

As I settled in front of the TV in Villa Hondorp (that’s Italian for “Hondorp’s Amazingly Spacious Estate”) with a steamy plate of Chicken Parmesan in front of me, I watched as the disaster began. I use the word “disaster” in the best of all possible senses. My heart raced, my tummy turned…so I drank some more wine.

Price Lorenzo Borghese is hot, and five minutes into the show I’m wondering why he hasn’t taken his shirt off. Seriously. Show us the guns.

But then I’m distracted by the sight of his mother, “Princess” Amanda Borghese, a.k.a. Princess McJersey. She has kept the burgeoning plastic surgery clinic in central Jersey alive for years now, and we’re proud of her. But on to the show…

Sidenote: are we convinced that Lorenzo is an amazing bachelor? The jury is out. He’s hot, yes. But what does he bring to the table? Ponder that while you read on. Also ponder his big schnoz.

I could mock 82 more things about Lorenzo, his family, his ties to some random Pope, but let’s get to the arrival of the 25 bitches, I mean women. No need to chronicle them all, but let’s hit up some highlights.

April is a “model.” Her business is showing in her slit-to-the-gills dress and we’re embarrassed.

Jessica is wearing a bad teal dress.

Some chick from Ohio is a Beer Chemist. She’s my best friend. I want her job.

Meri from Mississippi is not doing the dumbest state in the union any favors. “I went to SMU, have you heard of it?” Yes, Meri, we’ve heard of it. Anyone with money has heard of it, so Lorenzo has clearly heard of it. And so have I. I mean, I live at Villa Hondorp for God’s sake!

Rosella, the tragic Clinique counter girl (“Make-up Artist) is Chicago O’Bad Accent. Yikes.

Sarah is the black Canadian. She’s a damn shoe-in.

Desiree, one of the more tragic events of the night, is wearing a tragic dress, says tragic things like “baby” every four words, and brings the Mormons in her hometown of Salt Lake City much sadness. Pure trash, thankyouverymuch.

Erica the socialite, is Texas trash, and we all hate her. Thus, she’ll be around for far too long. “I flew coach for you. You should be flattered.” Flattered or appalled? Sick. Go back to the Houston Galleria and spend more of Daddy’s millions.

Heather is a drunken disaster.

Andrea sings pathetic opera, and we gag.

Sadie is cuter than anything. I want to be fun and sarcastic with her. Her comments about “24 extra people here” and “you better be worth it” were priceless and fun. Love her.

Lisa, a tree-hugging Oregonian, gets the first rose. She’s cute and normal. I might be fine with her.

Two random, non-English speaking Italian tramps show up, we’re over it.

Okay…on to the fun. Don’t worry, the sun has now risen. The girls look like ass, they’re wasted and tired and haggard and hungover, and they just want the damn roses. ABC is brilliant. Brilliant, I tell you. Push stupid people to their limits so as to ignite the drama. Brilliant!

Prior to the rose ceremony, Lorenzo gives us all the “my future wife could be here,” and “at the end of this, I could be on one knee proposing to my future wife” ridiculous one-liners that we’ve heard in the first episode of the past 928747 seasons. Lorenzo, have you studied the results of the previous ABC-financed calamities? I have. ONE couple have been married, and that wasn’t on The Bachelor, that was The Bachelorette! NO OTHERS have survived the initial “love” the found on TV. Thanks. But I share your hope, Lorenzo. And I share the desire of the ladies to see you shirtless.

And Lorenzo begins a to-be-expected “dramatic” rose ceremony.

1) Lisa. Got the first rose and earrings.
2) Kim
3) Jeanette
4) Jami
5) Ellen. Seems like good people.
6) Sarah. What did I tell you, ayyy?
7) Desiree. We’re not surprised, we’re just sad for America.
8) Jennifer
9) Gina. She makes snotty faces.
10) Erica. “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy. You have no idea!” Vomit.
11) Sadie. Cute.
12) Anyaze (sp???). Girl can’t speak English! Are you kidding?

The rest of the losers and drunkards go home. One surprise? Annoying Chicago Italian chick, Rosella, went home. I mean, she sold her car! So sad for her. I actually had a moment of emotion.

The winners toasted their champagne at 6 a.m., and passed out for 25 hours.

This week’s awards:

1) “Bad idea” dress: April’s. Let’s not bare it all on the first night.
2) Best dress: Rita from Richmond. Hot. Too bad you’re going home.
3) Best impression award: Sadie. We love you. Keep the sarcastic remarks a-comin’.
4) Biggest Trainwreck: Desiree. “Baby,” go home.

Until next week,

Mike my-reason-for-living-is-back-on-air Hondorp

p.s. How much fun were the scenes of the upcoming season?? Lorenzo cries?! Bitches go crazy?! I can’t deal!