"I do judge." We all do.

On this glorious day on which we celebrate the life of Christopher Columbus, our delightful evening begins with the announcement that there will be three dates: two group dates; and one individual date. It also begins with Erica the “socialite” wearing a tiara. Gross.

The first date (hereafter referred to as “Date One”) includes Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie (love her), and Agnese the Italian incommunicado.

Date One begins with the girls and Lorenzo touring the city of Rome. They visit the Colosseum, and ride around on mopeds. Erica regales him with tales—I mean word vomit—of her exes, and we question her decisions for the first time (of 98402 times) this evening.

The girls then choose dresses for the cocktail party, and we re-join Erica in her perpetual state of disaster. Some key quotes: “Jami didn’t go to college.” “I do judge.” Amazing.

Nothing else of note happens besides Sadie receiving a first rose and continuing to be cute.

Date Two is the individual date between Lisa and Lorenzo. It’s in Villa Borghese. You don’t say?? Lorenzo spats of stats about his namesake park that were given to him five minutes before by the producers, and we’re totally impressed.

Well, Lisa, with her love-life mapped out, arrives and the two have a romantic time in the park. Lisa tells us her beliefs about The Bachelor by saying that “this process does work.” We all laugh, knowing that it clearly does not. But we keep watching because we love it.

Meanwhile at the manse: the inevitable virginity talk ensues between the ladies left at home and we learn that Sadie is a card-carrying member of the dwindling Virgin Club. Great.

Back at Date Two, we’re upset that Lorenzo’s t-shirt is poking out from his polo sleeves and we hate it. He gives her a rose.

Date Three (a.k.a. Boobs and Bikinis). Key players: Desiree, Kim, Jeanette, Sarah, Jennifer and Gina.

The lovers take helicopters to the beach and Kim gets absolutely hammered and I love every minute of it. Key moment: we FINALLY see Lorenzo shirtless and it’s good. He has an awkward tan, but we can accept that he has a hot bod.

They play football in the nude (almost) and it’s fun. There was great moment of girl-on-girl action with boob-grabbing action. Jennifer gets the rose and we’re fine with it. But back to Kim. She’s WASTED and I can’t get enough of it—especially when she is awakened by Lorenzo and she starts speaking drunken gibberish thinking he’s a waiter. Brilliant. Oh, and how about when she fell after being interviewed? You can’t write this stuff.

Before the rose ceremony, Lorenzo makes last-minute decisions on who to keep. The girls make their last efforts.

Agnese, the non-English speaking Italian tries to make out with Lorenzo. A hungover Kim can’t own up to the fact that she passed out the day before, and says she was just “tired.” Yeah, tired from pounding 82 drinks. Lisa says mean stuff and then denies it. Is she going to be the enemy of the season?

With very little drama, and predictable bad choices, the rose ceremony begins. The first three roses are sealed, and he has six more girls to choose.

1) Sadie
2) Lisa
3) Jennifer
4) Jeanette
5) Desiree…god, how many more “babies” can we handle?
6) Jami. I’m surprised she could string a sentence together since she’s not college-educated and all.
7) Gina
8) Agnese. How many more attempts at the English language can she make??
9) Erica, the “socialite” disaster that we all knew would stay because ABC sucks.

This week’s awards.

1) Biggest surprise: Sarah, the black Canadian going home. I mean, what more could she have brought to the table? She could have been missing a leg, I guess.
2) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo. Has anyone else noticed this?
3) Quote of the week: “He’s not a commoner” (about Lorenzo). “I do judge.” Both from Erica’s horrendous lips. We hate her. And stop playing with your hair, you spoiled Texan disaster!

Until next week, at which point I will blog from Kansas City,

Mike