"He use head more than heart."

It’s hometown date time. In other words, this is the episode during which I mute the television the most (if you don't recall, I mute the television when I'm weirded out). I hate it. But I love it so much. Okay, I’m a little emotional right now seeing as I was just oddly touched by the rose ceremony, but I’m going to try to be the bitchy-slash-witty blogger I’ve trained myself to be. So on to the show…

The first hometown date reunites Sadie and Lorenzo in beautiful San Diego for an entirely uneventful date. They meet up, Sadie is cute as always, and they go meet her family. There, Lorenzo meets the awkwardly chubby little sister, the cute best friend and the very kind parents who love Jesus. At this point, we’re still thinking that Lorenzo’s personality can best be described as “diet vanilla.” He’s just a bit boring. Nothing happened at Sadie’s. Nothing.

So next we meet up with Lisa and Lorenzo in Portland, Oregon (otherwise known as the hometown of Meredith from the Bachelorette who picked my boyfriend Ian and inevitably broke up). Lisa is an utter disaster. She immediately reminds us that she has a plan for her life. Engaged in a year, married in two, and kids by 30. Okay, we get it—you’re crazy. Soon Lorenzo learns of her craziness as Lisa’s friend arrives with a wedding dress and they play dress-up. He is sweating bullets as he realizes she’s crazy. In fact, he’s “freaked out.” I couldn’t have worded it better. A bit later, Lorenzo is on the floor doing Pilates with Lisa’s mom, and I’m freaked out as well. Honestly, this whole date is just uncomfortable.

Luckily we get to join up with Jen and Lorenzo in Miami for a totally normal date. By normal, I mean horrifyingly uncomfortable and mute-worthy. Jen is way too excited, her dad is way too militant, and the whole encounter blows. For one second, before he meets her family, Lorenzo is cute and very in to Jen (as she catches a shark of all things while fishing), but then he gets a gun pulled on his ass and he sweats through his shirt. The dad is literally frightening as he pulls out his loaded firearms to intimidate the unsuspecting Lorenzo. Okay, we get that she’s your only daughter, but we don’t get why you need to wear ugly floral shirts while fending off future sons-in-law. I was screaming and muting the telly every five seconds. Lorenzo is so nervous he can’t put together a sentence. We all hate it. Thank god it ends.

And then we fly back to Italia to reunite the lovers who don’t communicate—Agnese and Lorenzo. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But wait…before you sign her out of your lives, you first have to get won over by her cute family and her honest intentions. Because clearly they won me over. I’m not lying. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was touched by the cute father, the fun after-dinner dancing, and the monolingual touch to the whole night. But he’s so clearly in to her. They make out at the end. It’s cute. We start to like Agnese. She’s natural, very Italian, very real. And very headed for bad news…

At the rose ceremony, a badly-clad Lorenzo (don’t mix dark suits with dark shirts) chooses his three suitors and sends one a-packin’.

He chooses to have fantasy dates with:

1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa!?!? No. We hate her!!

Sadly, he says goodbye to Agnese. Seriously, it was sad. Lorenzo showed his first emotions! He cried, I was touched, and I’m pissed. How dare ABC fool me into being touched by this anti-personality Lorenzo! Could he have a personality and a heart after all?

I have to say, Agnese put it best (in bad English): “He use head more than heart.” He actually did. Lorenzo knows it too, because he really liked her and he cried like a little girl (or like a gay) while saying goodbye. Awwwww…

Awards:
1) Freakiest armor-bearing dad: Jen’s father. We’re all scared of you.
2) Worst kiss: The goodbye kiss between Lisa and Lorenzo when Lisa said, “I want more kisses,” and Lorenzo unwillingly obliged with tongueless kisses and skeeved me out.
3) Most touching and unexpected moment: the goodbye between Lorenzo and Agnese. I’m still sad. For real. I’m serious. Oh well, I’m sure they’re boning now because whomever the chick Lorenzo ends up with has already been broken up with…

Until next Monday,
Mike