Dear Baby Jesus, please make this season end. Oh, what? You're shortening it a week and airing The Dudes Tell All and The Finale back-to-back next week? Thank you for also realizing this is the worst season ever, and that Ashley will go down in history as horrible.
Now that we have that cleared up, let's get to tonight's episode. In two words: it sucked. To Bone or Not To Bone is a seminal moment in each season, yet somehow--like clockwork--Ashley has failed to deliver once again. But before we get into tonight's three boring dates, Ryan (a.k.a. Smiles McGee) returns to reclaim his lost love. Um...no...but more on that later. You still suck, and must we remind you she sent you home!
The first date is with Ben. He is cute, he is fashionable, and he adores her with his doe-eyed oblivion. He's also way more into her than she is into him, and it's slightly upsetting. After 82 seasons of this mess, I can hone right in on the setting-you-up-for-heartbreak music, and it was underscoring the entire date. Of course, we have a few moments of cuteness (or downright overt sexuality) when they cuddle-slash-almost-bone on the boat deck. At dinner, Ben is ready to open up, but we can all read Ashley's over-it face a mile away. Regardless, when faced with the To Bone or Not To Bone date card, they choose: To Bone. However I fail to believe there was boneage. Sad, because I like him best. (Guess who's going to be next season's Bachelor?!?!? You heard it here first.)
The next date is with Constantine. She clearly likes him. He's clearly put on some weight. They have a lovely day on a helicopter and jumping in waterfalls. Then they have a dinner which President Obama rudely decided to interrupt with our silly debt crisis. I mean, really? Is the President of our fair States really prioritizing our inevitable default on debt over Constantine and Ashley's inevitable breakup? Really, Barack? Now?!? The audacity (of hope) this man has is unbelievable! But back to the task at hand...which is Constantine breaking up with Ashley mid-date! Yes, you read that correctly. He says he hoped to be at a point of saying he loved her, and he's unable to do it. He then excuses himself from the date (third guy so far this season!!!) and walks away from free sex. Let's be honest, people. He must have really been over Ashley to walk away from a night of free, guiltless, and paid-for lovemaking in the Fantasy Suite to dump her mid-dinner. It was downright amazing. And with that, Ashley has just set a record for the most-dumped contestant in history. In other words, I'm not the only one who thinks she's the worst. More wine, please. Verdict: Not To Bone.
The last date is with JP. Ashley poignantly describes their relationship as "adventuresome," a word I would not have chosen (nor do I believe exists). But first, she dumps Ryan again. But enough about him. JP and Ashley have a nice date. She definitely likes him, but does she really like him? Or is she just nervous he's the only one that has a chance because she's been walked out on 12 times this season? I think the latter. My favorite part of the date? When Ashley told JP that she and Constantine decided together that there was nothing between them. Amazing euphemism for "he dumped me." It was brilliant. But JP was sold. At the end of the date, the verdict was in: To Bone.
So...another uneventful rose ceremony of foregone conclusions leaves us with:
1) Ben
2) JP (Who wore mandals. MANDALS!!!!!!)
Awards:
1) Worst: Ashley
Until next week,
Mike
P.S. For those who missed it, The Dudes Tell All is next Sunday, and The Finale is next Monday. 7 more days until we're free!
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