Made in Taiwan

Children...we only have a few episodes left until this dreaded season comes to a close and another impending breakup is upon us. I pray we make it through. Thank God we have wine to dull the pain.

Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!

Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.

Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.

As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.

The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.

The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.

After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:

1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?

Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.

Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.