Dot dot dot...

People, let me just say that--as we all hope--it gets better. Because if it doesn't get better after tonight's episode, our world is doomed to eternal singledom and damnation. Why? Because tonight the walls of normalcy came down and one entire half of our world (the male half) will be digging itself out of its grave for the next 82 years. Who do we have to thank? Bentley, the DB of the century. Or, at the very least, the DB of the last 7 horrifying seasons of this stupid show.

But let's start on a (relatively) positive note first. Tonight's episode has three dates: two one-on-ones, and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ben C., the NOLA-bred lawyer with a square jaw and a knack at speaking too much and too fast. He's a self-proclaimed dancer, so Ashley capitalizes on that and takes him to a dance studio to teach him a special routine. After the rehearsal, the lovebirds go to the mall (duh, how romantic) to enjoy an outdoor picnic and an impromptu (SURPRISE!!!) flash mob. Yes, much to Ben's surprise, his dance moves fit in perfectly with the planned flash mob which magically took place in the exact spot of the picnic he shared with Ashley. Wow. But yes, it was cute...even to my ice-cold soul. What was less cute was the verbal diarrhea that spewed from Ben's mouth during their dinner later that night. He was intense and very forthcoming about his hopes and dreams about finding love. So intense, in fact, that Ashley couldn't get a word in edgewise. But, after a few incredibly awkward and tongue-less kisses, Ben gets a rose and stays around until next episode. Hmmm...does she really like him?

The next date is the group date...but first the masked guy--whose name is Jeff, apparently--reveals his face to Ashley. They share a special five minutes out back before they head on the group date, during which Jeff confesses his feelings (what?!?!) for Ashley, and takes of his rubber mask. While I secretly hoped the mask would reveal a face broken out from two weeks behind a mask, all it revealed was a big nose. Wah wah...But, upon revealing his face, Jeff blessed us with this special quote: "Hi, I'm Jeff." Profound, indeed. Much like the size of his schnoz.

The group date...er disaster...is a roast of Ashley at a Sunset Strip comedy club hosted by some comedian named Jeffrey Ross, who I was supposed to know. Let's just say the roast was an utter disaster. Each and every guy (Ben F., Blake, Jeff, Chris, Lucas, Ryan, William and Bentley) embarrassed themselves with bad humor. They also embarrassed Ashley by continually pointing out her small boobs and the fact she wasn't Emily from last season's Bachelor. William, in particular, went a bit over the line and actually made Ashley cry after he referred to her by saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure." Wow...first you didn't go to college and next you say that? Not cool, Cell Phone Salesman, not cool at all. Luckily, Bentley swoops in to comfort her during her teary outbreak by saying that at least 24 out of the 25 guys were happy it was Ashley instead of Emily. For those of you out of the loop, the intended inference was that he was the one outstanding dude who hoped it was Emily upon hearing about the next Bachelorette. Such a nice guy...

William and Ashley talk next, and William apologizes profusely for his mean words. He says that he thinks he should leave because his words were inexcusable (true) and then he goes for a deep and thoughtful walk alone through the sketchy streets of Hollywood. After their talk, Ashley is comforted by some nice guys...namely Jeff (mask) who tells her about his three-legged dog. Um, bad timing, Jeff. And why didn't Ashley stop William from leaving?!? I mean, he was totally mean, but we all love him and so does she.

Next, after being beaten down by the dudes, Ashley feels empowered to call Bentley out on his supposed bad intentions for coming on the show. First off, this fool of a woman is fully in love with Bentley after like three days of knowing him. But she tells him that Michelle Money (pictured below...BOOM) told her that he was not on the show for the right reasons and that he intended to promote his business and leave after a couple weeks. I have a couple things to mention here:

1) This Michelle Money is Crazy from last season. Remember, she was from Salt Lake too? Hair dresser with a daughter named Brielle? Amazing. Michelle Money is, quite literally, money.
2) I love how Trash knows Trash, and Michelle and Bentley are somehow linked very closely. Amazing! Were they married? Do they just come from the same trashy block?



After Ashley confronts Bentley, he stammers and stutters and bit, but somehow discredits Michelle and assures Ashley that he's there for the right reasons. Right...

But, Ashley gives the rose to Ryan P. who comforted her nicely during some one-on-one time.

The next one-on-one with J.P. (yay!) is next, but first, Bentley (who has decided he will leave the show upon waking up) steals the spotlight once again. Is he leaving because he's not attracted to the "ugly duckling" (his words) that is Ashley, or because he isn't an actor and can't keep his BS story going. So, to take his final bow, he visits Ashley during the day to tell her he's leaving the show because he "misses his daughter." What he really means by that is "I'm gonna make her (Ashley) cry...and I hope my hair looks good." Actual words, people! Bentley (remember this guy is a father of a young girl) uses his daughter as BS fodder for baiting Ashley into believing that, although he's fallen for her, he can't go on without his poor daughter who desperately misses her father. Poor daughter is right! This child is the seed of the Worst Version of the Male Specimen, and she's being dragged into this mess because of her DB father. Ashley, upon hearing the news of his intended departure, is overcome with grief as she says through sobs, "Your daughter has your heart, but you have mine." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? IS SHE SERIOUS?!? I can't. Oh but wait...Bentley, milking her for all she's worth, basically tries to bone her by saying he wants to keep the "dot dot dot" (...) with her. "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." Wow. Fortunately, Ashely and Bentley say goodbye without boning. Worst. Bachelor. Ever. Literally.

That night, poor JP has his date with Ashley, who is a washed-up mess after her day of drama. She proves this by acting insecure with him. Their date is a boring date at Ashley's house, and poor JP is forced to drink wine with her in their PJs. Ashley even comes out busted in her nighttime glasses...but JP proves he is as cute as he looks by laying a hot-ass kiss on her. He may have moved up in the rankings...big time...and he gets a rose. Ben C. should take a cue on how to kiss a woman.

At the rose ceremony...oh wait, there isn't one because Ashley is too spent to deal with it. So after Chris basically convinces her (without saying it) that Bentley is a douche, she makes her choices.

Roses go to:
1) Ben C.
2) Ryan P.
3) JP
4) Constantine
5) West
6) Mickey
7) Ben F.
8) Blake
9) Nick
10) Ames
11) Lucas
12) Wiliam

Adios to Mask..er...Jeff and Chris. Bet Mask is kicking himself now.

Awards:
1) DB: Bentley
2) Father of the Year: Bentley
3) Quote: "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." -Bentley
4) Frontrunner: JP, with William close behind (even though he has his tail between his legs).

Until next week,
Mike