And we're off

Lovers, Frenemies, Former Lovers and Friends,

And we're off. The Bachelorette Season 82 has begun, and it started with a bang. By bang, I mean Ashley's bangin' new bod, new hair, new nose, and new dance moves. Hit me baby one more time? Yes, please. Who knew four months off TV could do so much? In the day and age of The Biggest Loser, we all knew it was possible...but it's still fun to poke fun at Ashley's endless repertoire of midriffs and belly shirts. Amazing. She's definitely in the running for America's Hottest Dental Student. And she's running against no one.

But on to the meat. The 25 bachelors arrive one by one, but not before the montage of the eight guys who are bound to be contenders for the final rose: Ryan P.; JP; Ames; Ben C.; Ben F; Bentley; West; and William. Talk about a season of drama. Among these eight guys, we have two dead dads, a dead wife, two douche bags, a daughter named Cozy, and a wristwatch eternally set to the time of a dad's death. Awesome. Count me in! In addition, count me in for my first season blogged from my new home, Austin, TX. Don't worry...they still have wine here, so I'll be happily fueled. I'm also happily surrounded by some witty fools and our watching parties are in full swing! Yay for Texas (and wine)!

In Ashley's first sit down with Chris Harrison, she confesses that she hopes she doesn't let the guys down (even though she's no longer insecure). Sure Ashley, keep telling yourself that. Ashley also tells Chris that she was called the week prior to taping and told by an anonymous source (i.e. a friend of Bentley's ex-wife's) that Bentley is not on the show for the right reasons. Amazing. He's also the father of the previously-mentioned Cozy, so we're not sure if he's ever thinking coherently. But time will tell...and due to poor editing, it looks like we're in for an awful lot of time with Bentley on the show. Way to go, ABC.

But back to the arrival of the 25 dudes. Without mentioning all 25 dudes by name, I'll try to cover some highlights (and lowlights).
-Ryan P. arrives and he's cute.
-Mickey goes in for a kiss upon meeting Ashley, only to be fully rebuffed and embarrassed.
-Stephen, this year's gay, is a hair stylist. Unfortunately his hair speaks otherwise.
-West, one of this year's guys with a death in his past, gives her a compass eternally aimed west. Barf. (Dead wife.)
-Ben F. (Dead dad) Great arrival with a bottle of his own wine. He's a "wine maker." And also an online marketer. And also a student. And also Josh Groban's doppelganger. Dude's got a lot going on.
-Anthony, the epitome of a Jersey guido is just that. He's also a butcher. Even better.
-Matt, the paper salesman, will be hereafter known as "Dunder Mifflin." I love the word hereafter.
-Jeff is wearing a mask. Enough said.
-Mike is dressed like Pee Wee.
-Chris, complete with frosted tips and pinstripes, is from Canada and he's got an accent to match. Did someone forget to tell him his country isn't real?
-Nick, the Matthew McConaughey look-alike, is from Trampa. Because we always need a contender from Tampa.
-Blake is a dentist.

So after the boys are introduced, and Ashley changes her wet dress (after standing on the hosed-down driveway for three hours), we get to really meet the guys. Ben C. pulls a "Love Actually" and woos Ashely with cue cards and a foreign pedigree. William, while cute, wears a virtually iridescent shirt. He also has an alcoholic dead dad, so we'll pretend we're okay that he bought his shirt on the sale rack at TJ Maxx in Columbus, OH. Ashley tells JP she's always wanted to be called "Cupcake" (and we all vomit on cue). Bentley fully evades the blatant bait from Ashley giving him the opportunity to confess that he's there for the wrong reasons. Like anyone would...but still. And finally, Tim, the liquor distributor from Long Island, essentially blacks out after drinking all the liquor distributed at the event. Yikes...and the guy is 35. It's time to pull it together, buddy. So Ashley sends him home. Is he perhaps the drunkest contestant ever? Maybe. Was that also the worst snore dub in TV history? Yes.

The coveted First Impression Rose (FIR) goes to: Ryan P. We're unsurprised. He's cute, he's an entrepreneur, and he's Green (solar power), so he's very en vogue. He's like the equivalent of locally-raised, hormone-free, grass-fed beef. Everyone loves him, and they feel good about loving him. What's not to love?

So the 18 survivors of Night One are (18, really?!? Ugh...):
1) Ryan P.
2) Constantine
3) Jeff
4) Ben F.
5) Lucas
6) Stephen
7) Matt/Dunder Mifflin
8) Nick
9) Chris D.
10) Ryan M.
11) Blake
12) Mickey
13) Ben C.
14) West
15) Wiliam
16) JP
17) Ames (the ogre)
18) Bentley

Byeeeee: Tim (Drunky); Jon (This season's first tears! Really?? A cocktail for two hours and tears?!? In addition, let me remind you that you're a dude.); Chris; Mike; Ryan; Rob; Anthony

Tonight's Awards:
1) Best Job Title: William's. Cell Phone Salesman. Way to aim high.
2) Douchebag Alert: Ames. Your Ivy-League pedigree and ogre-like face are a recipe for douchebaggery. Can't wait!
3) Villain: Bentley. We're on to you. Even though you're hot.
4) Worst Dressed: Mike/Pee Wee. Just say no to grey suits with red ties.
5) Hottest: Ryan P.
6) Frontrunner: Ryan P., with JP closely on his tails.

Until next week,
Mike