Cat-Sitter Available

Let this be a lesson…

Mondays are just so much better when you have a horrible TV show to look forward to, don’t you think? It seems as though the crazy has set in early this season, as the remaining 15 ladies begin to woo Matt with their looks, their drinking prowess, their talent (or lack thereof), and their insanity. What a dream it must be to be a strapping Londoner faced with the prospect of babysitting crazy American chicks. Poor chap. With that, let’s get to the show.

Tonight is our night of first group dates and the impending reactions we’ve all come to expect by now (e.g. tasty treats like, “I don’t want to share him with 14 other girls,” and “This is getting real,” and “I don’t deserve this,” blah blah blah). One winning tramp played this role to a “T” last night, and her name is Shayne, the actress. But more on that later.

The first date found Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly strutting their stuff at a fashion show for Matt. This was classic female degradation, and I loved every minute of it. Nothing like slutting it up to win some random guy’s heart! It’s probably not the best way to get to know someone, but it’s entertainment, and I’m fine by that. So was Matt, as he watched the trainwrecks work (or not so much work) the runway for him. He was looking good in his purple sweater, by the way.

After the fashion show, the girls become themselves again. And that means crazy. Michelle, clearly a musical virtuoso, serenades him with a creepy song that included lyrics like “I want you to touch me,” and I blushed (please recall her touching clarinet solo in Week One). Ugh. Ashlee snags the first kiss and then the first rose, and then acts like a 12-year-old with no concept of humility as she jumps around screaming “I got the rose” in front of the other rejects. It was fantastic.

The second group date finds the rest of the pack traveling to Vegas for a little gambling in game of love. Matt sets up a contest in which the winner gets to spend 30 minutes alone with him, and Kelly wins. She’s wasted, and it’s classic “Bachelor.” Matt’s babysitting continues when Shayne tests out her acting skills and gets all typical by freaking out about competing against others for his love. I love his reaction. He’s like, “You knew what you signed up for, you idiot.” Okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant. Then Chelsea gets the first rose despite her ears and horrible top. Then we get to see Shayne break down more in the inevitable first date drama. Shayne, let me prevent a career full of heartbreak right here and now: you’re a horrible actress, and you’re never going to get work in LA. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

The pre-Rose-Ceremony cocktails provide some more entertainment as the serenading continues. Carri sings the most GOD AWFUL rendition of “Summertime,” and I mute the television. First off, she calls her singing “Opera.” Second, she sounds like a dying frog. Third, she’s going home and teaching all future disasters a lesson: STOP WITH THE SINGING AND/OR TALENT CONTEST! It embarrasses us all. Save your talents for the shower. Then Matt calls Shayne out on being an actress and questions her motivation for the show. It’s brilliant.

The roses go to:

1) Ashlee, who wears a choker and bad hair
2) Chelsea
3) Robin
4) Holly
5) Erin S.
6) Amanda
7) Kelly
8) Amy
9) Kristine
10) Marshana
11) Noelle
12) Shayne, who has clearly gotten a three-episode contract thanks to her manager.

We say farewell to the two singers, Michelle and Carri, and also wave goodbye to Erin H., who I thought was fun. But wait…

Michelle’s consolation speech will go down in history as quite possibly the most amazing/future-ruining speech in the history of this great world in which we live. And I quote: “I’m going to go home to my cat…It will be good to hear a purr again…She is the love of my life right now.”

Oh.
My.
Gah…

DING DING DING!!! Someone alert all males in the world, Michelle is a Crazy Cat Lady. Steer clear of impending insanity, sweater knitting, and feline breeding! This woman is a crazed loony tune in the making! I mean literally, I can’t even think of enough comments to fully capture my reaction to her cat-crazed lunacy. It was just divine. Thank you, Michelle, for ending this episode on a good note. And no, I’m not interested in adopting a cat. Please spay or neuter your pets, and quite possibly spay yourself in the process.

Until next week,

Mike