To Bone or Not to Bone

How excited were we at the beginning? It’s the best episode of the season. One-on-one dates, romantic evenings, and the inevitable first night together (is anyone else remembering the moans we heard from Tina Fabulous and Andrew Firestone a few seasons back?). ABC has since censored the explicit details, but the To Bone or Not to Bone episode is still a keeper.

First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.

Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.

The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”

Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…

He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…

On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]

Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.

At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.

Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.

The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.

The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.

Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”

The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?

Yes.

Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.

Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!

Awards

1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.

Until next week (season finale!!!),

Mike

p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.