This "rocked me to the core!!"

The surprise of the century begins when Travis’s family arrives in Paris. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law and two nieces arrive to see Travis on the verge of ruining a woman’s life, and making the life (let’s be honest, maybe six months max) of another.

Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.

The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.

After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.

Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.

Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).

Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.

And then…

HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!

I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!

Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.

He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”

I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.

I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.

More to come…

With all my lerve,

Mike