Worst Finale EVER

Seriously pissed. Ewww...

Okay, now that that’s out of me, let’s get to the dirt.

First, the boys visited Jen’s hometown. John Paul was the first to arrive in beautiful Cleveland, and said, "I love your town." No. It’s Cleveland. We know you’re lying. Their conversations were diplomatic as always, and we realized that seeing John Paul and Jen together is a bit forced and odd. The script writers were really on during this episode, as each line was delivered with perfect memorization even though everything they said didn’t apply to what they were feeling. Okay, J.P. spoke from the heart, but Jen wasn’t. She should run for president. Jen’s brother is hot, Midwestern, and a little bit mean. He should have taken his shirt off, but instead, he shared a beer with J.P. John Paul’s visit was fine, and the fam loved him.

Next, socially awkward and emotionally barren Jerry arrived in Cleveland. We learned that he is a "Gallery Director." No, he’s a doorman. He used to be a doorman where he got Jen’s ring, and we all know it. His lack of emotion was as evident as ever, and he was nervous and weird at Jen’s house. My favorite? The fact that Mom put Jerry’s flowers in John Paul’s vase. Brilliant. And more on Mom. She totally bobbed Jerry’s knob, and they held hands like a dirty couple. My biggest issue with this visit: were they drinking white zinfandel at dinner? If so, that’s just wrong.

What did we learn from these hometown dates? J.P. is way cuter than we have given him credit for. And Jerry is still weird. As in, holy awkward Batman.

Jen’s friends soon arrived back in New York to stress her out. In case you were wondering, they were still both blonde, and both very dumb. I secretly wondered if they both slept with both men and told Jen who was better. I mean, she needs to know if they’ve got the necessary equipment.

After picking out a horrendous dress for the final rose ceremony and after a teary jaunt with the friends to Harry Winston (if only she knew Jerry used to open the door there!), the friends left to go see the Eiffel Tower. Wait...the Eiffel Tower is in Paris?

Next, the boys headed to Harry Winston. Jerry chummed it up with old co-workers and picked an ugly ring. John Paul, on the other hand, got a $50,500 ring that kicked major ass. Damn, that boy has style.

Too bad his style wasn’t enough. He got majorly dissed at the rose ceremony and is now one of the most eligible bachelors in America. But I’ve reserved him for a friend.

Then we waited an hour for Jen to tell us exactly what I told you a couple weeks ago. Jen’s over Jerry, and she has proven that I am not only amazing, but very smart in my reality prophesy: she is in love with a rich midget in Chicago. She has also proven that this show is the biggest waste of my damn time ever. Sorry friends.

Tonight’s Awards:
1) Ugliest Dress: Jen’s. You looked chubby.
2) Hottest arms: John Paul’s. Damn. You be lookin’ fine.
3) Most embarrassing ode to love: The shit-ass song Jerry wrote for Jen. Gross.
4) Quote of the night: John Paul to Jen, "I love your town." Dude, Cleveland doesn’t rock, it blows. Note to the Cleveland city council: just move away already. Your town sucks.
5) Biggest mistake by ABC: Making this night 3 F-ING HOURS LONG! And airing this season to begin with.
6) Biggest liar: "I have no doubts" Jen. The Jen who doubted Jerry’s love for her, and thus didn’t accept the ring at first.
7) Biggest joke of a turn-down: Jen turning down Jerry on live TV. Please, they broke up two months ago. Nice acting Jen and Jerry. You’ve cleary rehearsed.
8) Most skeletons in closet: Jerry. I don’t like you, and when I come to L.A. I might pee on your gallery door. And if you’re really lucky, I might barf on it just like I barfed on a New York City subway this weekend.
9) Biggest gold-digger: Jen. And I thought I liked you...

Until next season (don’t count on it),
Mike, your disenchanted bachelorite