Footloose and Drama-free

I am writing this in a mini fit of rage. I just spent forty minutes writing the last update and while I was publishing it, I lost my internet connection. Please forgive me if you sense anger in the following update.

Episode five brought little enjoyment to my life. Contrived situations, lack of raw emotion, and four chemistry-free dates were about all we had to cling to here. We traveled to four cities, met four families, and multiplied the boredom by four.

The first date united a cowboy-boot-wearing Jen with John Paul in Oklahoma City (OK!). Although John Paul's oddly-shaped upper lip still looked weird in his hometown, the date went just fine. We met his nice, normal family...a.k.a. the source of all his money. What we liked about this date: his family's nice house, his cute mom, and his dad's man-braces. Brilliant! After the family, we went back to John Paul's own house, which was quite nice for a 25-year-old. The chef of his restaurant cooked them a meal and it was yummy. Wait, who owns a restaurant at the age of 25? And, more importantly, did we know there were restaurants in Oklahoma City? I always figured there were simply local chopping blocks where burly men cut slabs of beef and took them home to grill for their kin. You learn something new every day. Restaurants in Oklahoma? Who knew?!?

The next date brought us to meet Ryan's crazy, unloving, and boring family in Oregon. His parents had just returned home from an exotic vacation in Thailand where they learned that paper umbrellas were made by hand. We, on the other hand, learned that his parents were annoying, his sister was a mute, and the date was awkward. They ate Barburritos. Ewww. Even better? His mom apparently wallpapers with construction paper and makes people sign their names on it. Classic. And very classy too. We figured the romance between Ryan and Jen was caput.

The third date found a smiley and goofy Wendell playing host to Jen. They met at his kickass loft, but soon drove to the burbs to meet his drunk family. Mom, sister Wendy (Wendell and Wendy? Hello?!?), his look-alike brother, and other people who obviously didn't matter enough for me to remember their names. They all drank too much and it was fun. And by too much, I mean just the right amount. Drunky McDrunkerson Wendy needed subtitiles to convey her drunk words, and I loved it. But, sadly, Mom hit it head-on: Jen just wasn't that into him. Oh well, nothing that a few drinks can't take care of.

The fourth date found Jen and Jerry in a powerless Rochester. We soon learned, through, that Jerry is more than meets the eye. He has a deaf mom and he knows sign language. The character development was exciting, but the depth of his character soon evaporated when he said that, "Jen needs to show me her willingness to learn sign language." I'm sorry, what? And we revert to the Jerry we know so well: fake, cocky, and lacking in anything but his supposed good looks.

So there you have it, folks. We are waiting with baited breath for ABC to spice things up. Apparently, they plan on doing just that next week when Jen shakes it up at a dramatic rose ceremony. Will she dump all three guys and re-ignite the love with Firestone? Will she keep all three and have a raging orgy? Or will she ditch the show and campaign for gay rights with Fabrice? Only time will tell.

But for now, we're left with (can you sense my enthusiasm since I'm so invested in them?):

1) John Paul and his funky lip.
2) Jerry and his personality-free lifestyle.
3) Ryan and his weird family.

We're sad to see Wendell go, but since he was more of a brother, we're kind of happy that we don't have to witness what would have amounted to a sort of incest. Yeah...that would have been weird. He's cute, he's Midwestern, and some drunk Chicago slut will make his night this weekend. Speaking of Chicago sluts, I want to give a shout out to all my best girls in Chi-town, and to the chick who inappropriately caressed my nether regions at the bar on New Years. Chicago girls are forward (and oblivious to my hankering for guys).

Tonight's Awards:

1) Orthodontist's dream family: John Paul's fam. Three sets of braces in one family all at once? Oh my!
2) Most powerless city: Rochester. Damn those blackouts!
3) Most boring blogger: Me. Sorry, the juicy drama is really lacking this season.

Until next week's most dramatic rose ceremony ever,

Mike