Jen Returns...and so do I!

My lovers, my friends, my ex-lovers, and my enemies,

As nine o'clock hit, the wine glass hit my lips. Ladies and ladies (and gentlemen...ugh), "The Bachelorette" returns, and so do I. As a dear friend of mine can attest--yes, I allowed someone to watch the sacred show with me--I was giddy with excitement. And maybe a little drunk. Without further adieu, here we go.

Jen Schefft, our bachelorette, is back, bronzed, and buff. She dropped about fifteen lbs (pronouced l-bees) and looks better than ever. Okay, she still has a bit of a paunch, but she's fabulous and we love her. Her arms are toned, and her legs are amazing. Wait...do I like girls? Mmmmm, no. But still, she looks great.

First off, we love that the show takes place in my stomping ground, New York. But, ABC, why didn't you let me be on the show? I had this great idea to be a bachelor undercover. I even called the casting hotline this fall. I would have been a bachelor, Jen would have given me a rose, and then I would have come out of the closet with boas and heels and proclaimed my inner homo to Jen. The twist? I would have stayed on the show and fooled the other guys into thinking I was straight. I would have been Jen's eyes when her eyes weren't there. But ABC didn't think it was a hot idea. Whatever ABC. You could have at least given me the address of the bachelor pad so I could have hit on the 25 bachelors. (Speaking of bachelor pad, my "bachelor pad" [the notepad on which I take notes for this blog] is now completely full. I'm not kidding. I need a new bachelor pad.) But whatever, I'm over it. Oooh, I have another idea. ABC, can we do "The Gay Bachelor?" I'm newly single, and I can think of no one better to headline the sure-to-be-a-hit series.

But on to the episode. First, the corn-fed midwestern friends, Abby and Michelle, were cute. And by cute I mean bad dye-jobs and horrible outfits. But it's fine. They're Jen's friends, and we respect them.

Sidenote: I am hereby banishing the term "taking it to the next level." I'm sorry, when you're not even on a "level" there isn't another level to go to. Thanks. Seriously bachelors, no need to say you want to take it to the next level. It's embarrassing for me and I have to mute the telly.

Another suggestion to the bachelors: don't kiss Jen's hand upon introducing yourself. And don't kiss any girl's hand when you introduce yourself. Who are you kidding? It's embarrassing to the viewer, to the girl, and to yourself. The only people who are allowed to kiss hands upon introduction are drunk elderly relatives at holiday parties. And even then it's awkward. Thanks.

The bachelors arrived in limos as usual. Not going to lie, I was hoping for a greater degree of hotness, but I'm dealing with the cards we were dealt, and I have a few faves. First, I'm loving the two virgins: Jason and Josh. What?!? Enough said. Second, love the snotty frenchman. Perfect. Third, I'm obsessed with Ben, the ski instructor. Will he replace Ian as the holder of the key to my heart? Never. But I love him, and I pledge him two children. (For you new bloggees, Ian is from "Bachelorette" Number 2. We're getting married after our liberal president, President Bush, makes it legal. Um, we're never getting married...shit!)

Who are the disasters of the night, you ask? I have plenty to offer. First, Jerry. Please refrain from carrying newly-met women down staircases. Oh, and try not to be gay. Second, David. Try to fix your acne scars. And also try not to pass out at the rose ceremony. Third, Chris, who are you kidding with your accent? Honestly. Fourth, Stu, stop obsessing over Jen. I mean, you like her, we get it. But your obsession is scaring me, and I'm nervous. Fifth, Fabrice, you french asshole. Tape your ears back. They're kinda big. (Anyone thinking Jesse Palmer??)

Okay, as it's only the first episode, I'll save plenty of bitchiness for the coming reviews. But the first rose ceremony awarded roses to:
Keith
Ryan
A.W.: Like the root beer?
Matt: From Staten Island. From us here at the Bachelor Update, we're sorry about that.
Wendell
Ryan
Mark: Surprise of the night. You're ugly.
Ben
John Paul: Wait, just so I'm sure, are you Catholic?
Jerry
Jason: Virgin Number 1
Josh: Virgin Number 2
Fabrice
Michael
Stu

There you have it folks. But you don't have all of it.

Tonight's awards:
1) First impression award: Ben. I'm obsessed with you. Feel free to teach me to "ski" any day.
2) Oxymoron award: Chris from Kentucky. Okay, a hairstylist from KY? What?!? Are you kidding?
3) Best bite-it sequence: David. Did you faint b/c of your bad skin? Your skin is very unfortunate and we all understand. Allow me to refer you to my dermatologist.
4) Gayest: Jerry. I'm sorry for you.
5) Most humiliated: Jen after being carried down the stairs by resident homo (Jerry).
6) Drunky McDougle award: Chris. See award # 2.
7) Takeyourshirtoff award: Ben. We all know you have a hot bod. Just take the shirt off and get it over with.

Until next week, adios mis amigos,

Mike, your fearless bachelorite