Thigh-land

As each and every season does, we've moved on from LA. This season we're headed to rainy Phuket, Thailand. Why? Because it's cheaper during the rainy season, duh. And Ashley is so heartbroken over Bentley that she needs a change of scenery. At least that's what Chris Harrison says. We all know this was the plan all along, but we'll just go with it. And on the Bentley note? Let's play a little game here. It's called How Many Times Can Ashley Mention Bentley in One Episode? (I'll give you a hint: it's over 10.)

Upon arriving to Thailand, Ashley sits down with the concierge of the resort to ask for assistance in planning the dates. Does this barely-English-speaking concierge actually help her plan dates? No, but it's a great effort at getting the resort more of a branded presence in a greater way than just flashing the sign in the exterior shot. Great job, Renaissance Resort, Phuket. Kudos.

Before I get into the dates, though, can I please air a rather large grievance first? We are on episode four, people, and we have YET to have a shirtless pool scene! This is blasphemy! There are two reasons we watch The Bachelorette. The first is hot guys, and the second is shirtless hot guys. Help a brother out, ABC. Your show is built upon gratuitous shirtless scenes...make it happen already! There has been no shortage of pools at your locations. There has, however, been a shortage of shirtless man meat.

The first date goes to Constantine. He's flown under the radar so far, so we're not sure what to expect. Their date is supposed to be a boat to a private beach, but the red flags at sea force the date to the land. So Constantine and Ashley shop on the streets of Phuket and gain advice on how to make a marriage work from a poor shopkeeper. You know, the normal. In between scenes, Ashely focuses each and every voiceover opportunity on Bentley and how she misses him. Awesome. Bentley: 3; Constantine: 0. Luckily, Constantine bears his guns during the dinner scene and woos Ashley even though he's wearing running socks on the beach. What was he thinking? He's on a beach and he's wearing shoes and socks? But he gets a rose. And I think he might actually be a good guy. With nice arms...

The second date is the group date between Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan. This is the date I'd like to hereafter refer to as the Bachelor Gives Back date. This season, the guys come expecting a lovely day on the seas off Phuket, but instead they have to repair an orphanage. Ashley, the well-spoken one of the group, leads off with this tasty treat: "In case you didn't know, in 2004 there was a tsunami." Oh really, Ashley? The tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of people just a few years ago and devastated an entire corner of the globe?!?! Nope...don't remember it. But the guys pitch in and do a good deed by painting the orphanage and giving away bikes to needy kids. Ben F. walks away the big winner of the day by painting a poorly-done mural of an elephant and being very emo about it. Not only does the dude look like Josh Groban, he has the heart of an artist too! He also secretly has guns as his biceps were lookin' good as he painted his ugly mural. Later in the evening, JP makes out with Ashley, after which she proclaims his kisses to be the best she's had so far. Pretty hot, I must say. Gotta love a good townie. Ryan, fastly becoming the new most hated member of the house, steals Ashely away not once, but twice, and totally irks the guys. Before the highly anticipated and Worst Pool Scene Ever, Ashley gives the rose to her emo lover Ben F. Then we have our first mass shirtless scene of the season in which no bodies are revealed due to poor lighting and bad editing. Thanks for nothing.

The last date goes to Ames, or, as I'd like to refer to him, Forehead McGee. Forehead arrives wearing a sassy cap-sleeved top and white shorts, like any Yale grad turned NYC banker should. He spares no time in announcing he's been to Thailand four times before (duh, who hasn't?) and regales us with stories of his privileged past (he's been to 70 countries) interspersed with horrifying comments about the fact that navigating caves in a kayak is akin to navigating a new relationship. Profundity, indeed. This dude is as rehearsed as last night's Tony Awards. Before this date, all I cared to know about Yale was the hard-and-fast rule of "One in four, maybe more" (as in one in four guys are gay on campus). Now I just think they're all douchebags. Sorry gays, Ames stole your thunder. He also stole a rose. Ashley is quickly becoming the bachelorette with the worst judgment ever. She's also ridiculously insecure, but we knew that last season. Also, Ames was shirtless in one scene, but we didn't even get to see the bod because his forehead was in the way. Boo.

At the rose ceremony, the boys apparently no longer feel the need to dress up. I think one of them wore a tie. They also don't feel the need to impress Ashley. When asked if he's ready for a relationship, West lets an awful lot of silence pass before giving a bad answer. Lucas just seems like a West Texas frat boy. And Ryan is just happy and dimply, as always.

But Ashley, ever the rule-breaker, feels like she needs to give out 11 roses tonight, instead of 10. So the 11 left standing are:

1) Constantine
2) Ben F.
3) Ames
4) Lucas
5) Ryan
6) JP
7) Nick - Surprise of the night! Dude hasn't had a second of face time yet!
8) Mickey
9) Blake - Better step it up soon.
10) William
11) Ben C.

Byeeee to West. Sorry about your wife, and sorry that some total losers got to stay and not you. :(

Tonight's awards:
1) The Bentley Count: I counted 11 mentions of the DB of the century. You?
2) Literary Scholar/Douchebag Alert/Botoxable Forehead of Dreams: Ames
3) Frontrunner: JP, with Ben F. trailing closely behind.
4) Most famous: Me, duh.

Until next week,

Mike