Before I tuned in, I made sure I had plenty to drink. I hope you did as well, because wasting two hours of my life waiting for the inevitable was stupid. But awesome, because this is the Best Show on Television (if "best" means "worst," of course).
The finale finds us in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa: land of beauty, of wine, of waves, of wind...and a lovely history of apartheid. Before we get to the final decision, Brad's family arrives: Mom, twin brother Chad and wife Dylan, and younger brother Wes and wife Prima (that's really her name, I swear). Wait, haven't we been here before? Didn't this family arrive to the final episode a few years back? Oh yeah, remember that time Bromack left both women empty handed? Awesome.
As his family arrives, Brad weeps amidst the straightest, back-slapping hugs I've ever witnessed on TV. Did you see those hugs between Brad and his brothers? Good lord, my back hurt just watching! Must be the Texas blood, right? Also, are we concerned that Brad's twin brother Chad (yes, seriously they're Brad and Chad) is cuter than him? Yes, because he is. And then there's the way-less-cute Wes, and things are thrown into perspective very quickly. Poor little brother.
The first chick the family meets is Chantal. They clearly love her: she's bubbly, fun, full of laughs, etc. It goes well. Unfortunately she's put on 15 pounds this season. Nothing like the Bachelor 15. It's like the Freshman 15, but on reality TV.
Next up is Emily. She's shy, demure, blond, and skinnier. Throw in the horrifyingly sad story of her dead husband, and the family clearly likes her more. It's slightly amazing because the family never gives it away this obviously. But this season they do because Brad is new, he's reformed, and he's totally full of original thoughts. Kidding about that last part. Why? Because Brad drops this bomb: "I am one happy dude." Wow. Totally profound.
Next is the last date portion of the evening. First up is Chantal. They swim with Great White Sharks, because that's normal. Chantal's cleavage is also in FULL EFFECT in her wetsuit, and it's insane. Later, Chantal gives Brad a special present and gives him a hand-written note saying "I choose you." Well...unfortunately the reformed Brad is an open book and we think otherwise. (Cue the nervous tick and head-scratching antics.)
Emily's last date is next. They take a helicopter to the windiest place on earth: The Cape of Good Hope. Emily has a bit of a flying skirt issue, and it's cute. She doesn't fully bear the beav, but it's close. They share some windy banter on the Cape, and head back for their final night. In Emily's room, Brad tells Emily that he's ready to be her everything, including Ricki's father. Emily responds saying, "It's not always fun," and she basically tells him that for the next hour. Um, this girl is tough. Brad, sweaty and defeated, heads home scared off and completely bummed. Is ABC throwing us a pump fake? Because I will cut someone.
Next Brad picks out a ring with Neil Lane, who clearly paid millions to have his rings and his brand name placed all over this trashy series. Who is this man?
After Brad picks out the bling, Chantal is the first to arrive to the winery...to be dumped. Thank GOD. I mean, I love me some Chantal. She's cute, she's fun, and her Mom is pure plastic. But Brad was not in love with her, and if ABC edited this mess and fooled us by this ending up with them engaged, I would have blogged the following: "Ladies and Gent, I am done." But luckily, I was forced to write this multi-paragraphed mess.
Emily arrives next, and gets the ring she hoped for. Without getting too into it, Brad's words for Emily were pretty damn amazing, despite the fact we know he couldn't come up with those original words on his own. In typical fashion, Emily lacked the requisite emotion that I would expect of a gorgeous couple getting engaged on a mountainside winery. But they end up engaged, and tonight's foregone conclusion is complete! Thank goodness!
So...82 weeks later, Season 82 is over. Brad 2.0 has a fiancee and we love her.
Best of luck to Brad and Emily. We know it won't work.
And as a reminder, we still hate this show.
Love,
Mike
P.S. Worst "After the Final Rose" ever! I mean, Emily's dye job is better than ever, but there are some issues between these two. OUCH. Um...two weeks until a break up?
3 comments:
I don't even know where to begin, HOWEVER... Didn't you think that "After the Rose" was, like, a COMPLETELY different Emily?! Not so much sweet and poised as insecure and annoying. She looked great, if not too skinny, but they all had put on some lbs by the last episode so maybe that's her natural state of being. But good lord, she just seemed so much like she doesn't like herself. Like, at all. I hated it. Personally, I've never gone from liking someone to disliking them quicker (ok, that's probably not true, but in the world of reality TV friends it is). The end.
Emily came across as so so so different. But her tough colors started to fly during their last date. Cue Brad being the Bachelor for the THIRD time in a few years.
I am going to miss you so much...until the next one. Thanks for another fantastic season, Mike!
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