To Bone or Not To Bone

It's the night we've all been waiting for. Not only do we get to travel to South Africa, we get to see whether or not Brad and the three remaining ladies consummate their love. Welcome to "To Bone or Not To Bone," the once sordid (remember the Andrew Firestone days of heavy breathing and moans from behind closed doors? those were the days), now very tame episode in which the Bachelor gets a chance for some coveted alone (boning) time.

The first date is with Chantal, who is unfortunately looking a bit chunky in her jorts. The lovers go on a safari. Brad very eloquently describes a special moment near the beginning by saying, "I'm sitting here looking at the South African bush." Enough said. After their safari, they enjoy some bites and Chantal gets all selfless and says she wants to put Brad first in her life. Honey, just because your mom married a sugar daddy and doesn't retain her own personality (and spends her days and money on plastic surgery) doesn't mean you have to do the same. And I'm pretty sure Brad's not a sugar daddy, so your fate is sealed. Later, at dinner, Brad tells Chantal that he is the most comfortable around her compared to the other girls. Bold step. The Fantasy Date Card is well-received, just as I'm sure his manhood was well-received in the Fantasy Suite (in this case an outdoor treehouse). To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote Bone. Under the moonlight, no less!

Next is the only date Brad really cares about: Emily. She shows up looking hot in her white shorts and cowboy boots and they ride an elephant around the countryside. Yes, you read that correctly. Afterwards, they watch elephants romping and playing in the water and talk about Emily's five-year-old daughter, Ricky. Is Brad sure he's ready for a five-year-old? He thinks so. Then they make out to an overly-underscored montage of music, kissing and elephants. It was a bit too dramatic for me. Later, at dinner, Emily comes prepared to share her feelings. What I love most is how obviously enamored Brad is with her. He's so nervous, he can barely look her in the eyes! It's kind of cute, actually. When presented with the Fantasy Date Card, Emily pulls a pump fake: she plays the part of the concerned mother trying to set a good example for her daughter by saying just that. But she totally accepts the invite and they head to the Fantasy Suite for some alone time. There she confesses that she's falling in love with Brad, and in the surprise of the night, Brad fully tells her he's falling in love with her too. Wait, is Brad winning us over? I mean he's still a brainless buffoon unable to audibly form a profound thought, but is he capable of honesty and love? Which leaves us with this question: To Bone or Not To Bone? In this case, I vote Not To Bone. But there was definitely some under-the-shirt action once the cameras went to bed.

Lastly is the date with Ashley, who is wearing some very short jorts. She's also wearing an inability to express herself or to successfully answer Brad's questions about whether she has room in her life for him; but more on that in a minute. First off, after a minor freak out by Ashley, they fly via helicopter to "God's Window" (some canyon-like vista which is, yes, pretty). Brad, ripe with blue balls after last night's date, starts questioning Ashley's hopes for her future (where she wants to live, etc.). She successfully doesn't mention anything about Austin or Brad, which leads to some confusion on his part. They do have fun, but we quickly realize these kids cannot communicate. Later, at dinner, they jump right back in to deep conversation. (Brad is looking super cute in his plaid shirt, by the way.) Brad and Ashley, at once, possess the most rapport and ability to talk easily and naturally of all the couples. But we quickly realize the words that are so easily shared are also misconstrued. No point gets across and Brad and Ashley's moods quickly head south. Cue the Debbie Downer "wah wah." Later, at the Fantasy Suite, Ashley puts it perfectly: "We're off our game." No kidding. I actually felt bad for them here because you can tell that they both like each other, they want to progress together, but they simply can't get their points across. Brad needs to hear that she has room for him in her life; she wants to tell him just that. But it just didn't happen. As Ashely put it later, their words were "lost in translation." Spot on, sister. To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote a very emphatic Not To Bone. Then again, there could have been a Hate Bone.

So after the dryest To Bone or Not To Bone week in history, Brad is left utterly confused (and probably horny). And the shirtless scene confirmed that he's also left with less of a six-pack than he had at the beginning of the season. Boo. He should probably buy the workout DVD in which I starred. Just saying.

The ladies arrive to the rose ceremony only to have Brad ask to speak to Ashley privately. She knows what's coming, you can just tell. Brad puts it right out there: "I don't know if I fit into your life," to which Ashley doesn't have an answer. If I were her, this is where I would have told him that he does. But it's too late, and Brad says he has to tell her goodbye. In what is perhaps one of the most dignified exits ever, a broken-hearted Ashley says goodbye and drives off in the South African abyss. It's all about timing. Best of luck being a dentist. And sorry you didn't get accepted to medical school.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad asks Chantal and Emily to accept his roses because love is a two-way street. They both accept.

So there you have it. Our final two are:

1) Chantal

2) Emily

This is Emily's proposal to lose; so we'll see in two weeks what happens!

Awards:

1) Frontrunner: Emily

2) Quote: "I'm sitting here looking at the...bush." -Brad

3) Biggest mistake: Chantal packing on the Bachelor 15 since the beginning of the season. This isn't a freshman dorm, honey. It's national TV.

Until next week (I usually don't blog the Bitches Tell All, but we'll see how much wine I have next week),

Mike