Hometown heroes

First off, how about the redesign of your favorite blog? In honor of Fashion Week, I gave The Bachelor Update a new look...a very on-trend 70s throwback vintage photo background with a clean white design. Good, no? As Heidi says, one week you are in, the next you are out. I have a feeling I'll be in, but let me know.

As your eyes ease into the new look, please allow your cold hearts to ease into four hometown dates--unfortunately possibly the most boring "Meet the Families" episode ever. Where were the gun-toting, threat-wielding dads? And the drunk, inappropriate moms? Sure, we had our share of taut-faced MILFs and families reeking of new money (Chantal's), but there was very little drama. I'll try to create some on my own.

We fly west first. In Seattle, we meet Chantal and her rich family. We quickly learn that Chantal lives four streets away from her family in a nice little house that was clearly financed by her parents because Chantal is an Executive Assistant. She also has two cats (barf) and a "dog" that weighs two pounds and wears a sweater. After hanging at Chantal's pad for a beer, Bromack and Chantal head to her parents' McMansion where we meet her personality-free father (who is wearing an awful purple shirt), and her mother who cannot emote due to too much plastic surgery. We also met her brother, but he didn't get a word on camera the whole date, so who cares. I was really hoping the mom would make a move on Brad, but no go. Was I the only one surprised to see a Texas-style bimbo MILF in Seattle? Are there women like that there? Is it okay to be skinnier than your daughter in the land of Birkenstocks? Overall, the date was a success and it ended with Chantal's dad offering up their blessing without Brad even asking. Hmm...I give this date a B. Good, but not great.

Next we travel WAY east to Madawaska, Maine. Yup, you're right in thinking that you've never heard of it. Apparently it's the Northeastern-most city in the 48 contiguous States. Fun fact! It's also essentially Canadian, so we all know how I feel about that: it's borderline (literally) nonexistent. But what the city lacks in, well, everything, it made up for in the best hometown date of the night. Ashley meets Brad first at the restaurant at which she was a waitress back in the day where they share a plate of poutine, which is a Canadian (what?!) delicacy of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. Awesome. Brad thanks the waitress by saying "si" instead of "oui," but we forgive him because he's stupid and he looks cute in his henley (present in three of four dates tonight). Nice job, stylists. At home, Ashley's family is overzealous but cute, and the date is a hit. Anyone notice the sister's tats? Way to represent, Madawaska! This date gets a solid A.

Next we head back west to Chico, California. Nothing says romance like a mausoleum and crematory, and that's where this date begins. Shawntel, a funeral director, shows Brad the ropes of death, and Brad is none-too-impressed. In fact, he's horrified and his face is a dead giveaway. My favorite part? Brad lying on the prep table where Shawntel would normally embalm the deceased after which Shawntel says about Brad: "If you can come in my funeral home and lay on a prep table...I've never had that before." Really? You mean it's not normal for your dates to accompany you to Death Central while you walk them through the ins and outs of replacing blood with chemicals? I did enjoy seeing the real life "Six Feet Under" though. It was like the show, only hotter and in a miniskirt! After Death 101, we had to Shawntel's house where we meet Mom, Dad, and her two sisters, Destiny and Vanessa. Yes, you read that correctly. The date was okay, but after a morning at the crematory followed by an afternoon during which Brad realized her dad was depending on her to take over the family business and NEVER leave Chico, this wasn't the best date. I'd rate it a C+/B-.

Lastly we head to Charlotte, North Cackalacky where we meet Emily and her daughter Ricky. Is it just me, or does everyone think of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby every time her name is mentioned? Awesome. As expected, Ricky is super shy and silent upon meeting Brad; but Emily has never seemed more comfortable. Brad gives Ricky a kite to warm her up, and eventually he gets the little nugget out of her shell. Later, they head to Emily's (very nice and totally Southern) red brick colonial with plantation shutters to have a simple dinner and a night in. Brad is 100% in love with Emily and he reverts to a 12-year-old by making it completely obvious. He is so hung up on respecting her daughter and the fact that Emily is a mom that he says he is not going to kiss her because Ricky is asleep upstairs. Emily, not one to ever say anything forward or express an opinion, essentially says, "Thanks, but kiss me anyway," and asks for some loving. Brad, the lovestruck goof, doesn't go for it and tries to see himself out. But before he can awkwardly exit, Emily kisses him on the doorstep and it's cute. Overall date: A-. Yes, he totally loves her. And kudos to Emily for taking some initiative.

So after four uneventful hometown dates, we head back to New York to drop one of these bimbos.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Chantal

Which means all the talk of burning bodies, embalming and consoling families through death didn't so much resonate with Brad. So we bid adieu to Shawntel and wish her the best. She was cute, actually. So best of luck to her. Just a piece of advice: don't put your next date on the prep table. I think people only need to be there once in life, and that's after death. Basically we don't ever need to be there alive. Thanks.

Awards:

1) Next Botox spokesperson: Chantal's mom

2) Best hometown date/family visit: Ashley

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike