The Finale

To wed, or not to wed? That is the question.

Tonight is the night; it's down to the final two. Will it be Roberto or Chris? Roberto is the first to meet Ali's family in the hut on the ocean in Bora Bora. Predictably sweaty, Roberto charms the fam with his Latino ways and his dimples for days. There is nothing too special about the date. Her family likes him, his dad blesses their potential marriage and they salsa dance as a family. Because that's what you do what a Latino is potentially joining the family. No need for generalizations or anything. The only unfortunate moment of the evening is when her mother says, "Yo creo que tu corazon es puro." I think your heart is pure. Ewww...awkward.

Next up is Massachusetts native Chris. Clearly the family loves him and his Mass accent and all the crazy similarities like Canadian dads, moms who were nurses and teacher pasts. I'm a little worried that he's more in to her than she is in to him, but Dad blesses their potential marriage regardless. And then they all swim together...Dad's hairy back and all. It's clear that Chris is more genuine and we all love him.

For the last-ditch date, Roberto and Ali do it up. Sea Doos, stingrays and make outs in the rain--the date was perfect. Later at night, Ali arrives at Roberto's hut. Roberto, looking particularly stunning in his Bonobos khakis (that I sent to the producer in March, thankyouverymuch), greets Ali with kisses hugs and inevitable romance. He also gives her a cute picture frame with some romantic Spanglish on the back. She loves him, but oddly doesn't say it. He does, though.

The next day is Chris's last chance. I'm not going to lie, I'm secretly gunning for Chris. He's just perfect and so cute and in love with her. Unfortunately, Ali arrives looking and feeling out of sorts. Ever the open book, she doesn't even kiss him upon entering his hut, and she starts chatting with him and confessing her confusion and feelings like he's some random girlfriend. Cutting right to the chase (which makes me respect her, even though she's breaking my heart), Ali tells Chris that she's fallen in love with Roberto and doesn't want to put him through another date and the stress of a rose ceremony when she's not going to pick him. Sad...but so upstanding of Ali. Chris is crushed, but stays strong and sweet, and only sheds a tear after she leaves. To make emotions worse, a full rainbow appears on the horizon as he contemplates his loss...and he says it's a sign from his mom that everything is alright. I totally cried. Luckily I know where he lives on the Cape and I'll bring him a growler of Cape Cod beer and a hot chick to help him get over it. Any takers?

So...on the day of the rose ceremony, Roberto picks out a ring. He also says he'll only propose if it's right for him. Last minute cold feet? Is his perfection wearing off?

As Roberto approaches via boat, Ali stands atop a mountain in her expected shade of dress awaiting her prince. He heads up and arrives, messed up collar and all. The lovers embrace, and he's a nervous mess. Roberto launches into a full on speech...avoiding eye contact...and she tells him he's the only one there that day. A sweaty, sweaty Roberto then gets on one knee and proposes.

It's just not very romantic. But we wish them the best of luck. God knows they'll need it.

And then...as if this show couldn't get cheesier, the play-out music is from the effing Lion King. I mean...

Please, Baby Jesus, don't let him turn crazy like Jake.

Until never,

Mike