And then there were four. But who cares because Jake and Vienna are back!

Ali and the guys go to Portugal to fall in love even more. Ali chose four guys; no one is surprised.

1) Roberto

2) Frank

3) Chris

4) Kirk

Yay. Now to what's important: Jake and Vienna are back to tell us about their break-up! Break-up? What break-up? Oh, the one plastered across every cover of every magazine on newstands? Yeah, that break-up.

Besides the fact that Jake looks old, he is also a douche. I think I'm on Team Vienna. They pitter patter and go back and forth for a good 20 minutes about nothing. It's clear Vienna is still a little dumb and confused, but Jake is not. He knows what he's doing, and he always has. You gotta feel sorry for the girl. Plucked from a trailer park and sent to LA only to be ignored by her man who doesn't love her and is just interested in himself. Duh.

So they break up. He thinks she undermines him because she has a voice, and she thinks he doesn't love her because, well, he probably doesn't. And in the midst of the argument, Jake totally yells at Vienna on camera, and it's sealed ("PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!" in that guy-is-about-to-beat-his-wife-and-doesn't-want-the-kids-to-hear kind of stifled yell). Dude sucks. Fame hungry, camera-coached, and overly tanned and whitened, Jake is fast-tracking from B-lister to D-lister in a HOT minute. And I love it every minute of it.

One-way flight back to Dallas. Paging Jake! Final boarding call!

Until next week,

Mike