The tears begin.

Welcome back to your favorite reading experience of the week. Since the last season, my life has not changed. I am still famous and I am still amazing.

And on to the show! Four months later, the best television show, on, well, television is back. And those of us that cherish quality programming couldn’t be happier. Those of us that cherish quality programming also don’t tune into shows like ABC’s The Bachelor.

The 82nd season begins with The Sexiest Bachelor Ever’s life story. Little Brad Womack grew up in privilege in Atlanta amidst the pristine White Flight suburbs that evoke all the best connotations of the South. Soon his Daddy boned the help and they lost all their money. Hotlanta quickly becomes Texas Trailer Trash, and Brad learns what it’s like to be poor. Then he skips college to work on an oil rig and now he’s living the dream as a bar owner. Truly an American success story.

Will he prove to be the Sexiest Bachelor Ever? Time will tell. But the shower scenes bode well for his race for the prize, if I must say so myself.

But on to the bitches. Big fat mess. Possibly three dresses were cute. Most were ehhh, and a few were downright horrifying. As a connoisseur of fashion (newly appointed), I must say it was a poor showing on behalf of the ladies. Another poor showing? The racial diversity. Literally there was a token black girl and maybe a half-Asian and that’s all. I mean…

Some highlights: Sheena’s paper-shredder dress; Bettina’s, Tauni’s, Solisa’s, and McCarten’s names; Solisa’s ginormous jugs; Solisa’s job as an “esthetician.” And this was before he entered the party!

The sh*tshow begins soon after they ladies arrive. Drinks are served, stories of broken faces are shared, and padded boob cups come out of dresses. And then Juli (without an “e”) performs the human pretzel. And then Melissa, who is hammered, loses the boob cup. And then Morgan shows us her webbed feet. And then Brad reacts to the feet by laughing so hard he cries. And then Mallory gets in the pool. And then, well, you get the point. What a mess. Who the eff are these girls? And who raised them?!?

Brad gives the First Impression Rose to Jenni, a dancer with the Phoenix Suns who doesn’t appear to dance all that well. She also appears to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike complete with big hair and big forehead. Let’s just say, I wasn’t particularly impressed.

After a wee bit of deliberation, Brad chooses his suitors.

1) Jenni
2) Jade
3) Bettina
4) McCarten
5) Hillary
6) DeAnna
7) Michele
8) Sheena
9) Estefania
10) Erin
11) Solisa
12) Lindsey
13) Sarah
14) Mallory
15) Kristy

Tonight’s awards:

Wastoid Wino/Trainwreck: Melissa
Best job: Esthetician. In case you were wondering, Solisa gives facials.
Biggest Ta-Tas: Solisa’s.

Until next week…

Mike