I'm over it and I quit.

Holy balls, it’s the night we’ve been waiting for. I’m sweating, I’m nervous, and I’m slightly drunk. All to be expected. And the night begins…

Prince and Princess Jersey arrive and we realize why they live in Jersey. Momma Princess Amanda has mall hair, and Daddy Prince…well, we now realize where Lorenzo gets his lack of an upper lip. Ugh…I’m over it. We’ll get to that later.

The first date reunites Jen and Lorenzo—with his parents. She’s underdressed, his mom reads her palm, and we all cringe. Basically it’s boring.

The second date brings Lorenzo and Sadie back together, and we realize that they are fully in love. God, Sadie is cute. She has a better time slot (dinner), Lorenzo’s parents are in love with her, and I just can’t get enough. I seriously might consider making out with her. Or at least going shopping with her. Anyways, his mom reads her palm as well. We hate that she mentions Jen so much.

Then (cue the “dun dun dun” disaster music) both sets of potential in-laws arrive in Rome. Jen’s Dad is predictably poorly dressed in an old, wrinkled, untucked polo shirt. I hate him more than I did when he pulled a gun on Lorenzo. Gross. Sadie’s parents are cutely conservative and we’re glad they’ll be Lorenzo’s future in-laws.

The brunch with all 82 people is so damn awkward, I couldn’t have killed myself more than I did. But luckily I lived to blog about it. Ugh…

So finally, Sadie and Jen get their last stabs at making Lorenzo fall in love with them. Sadie wins because she gives him presents and we love her. Yay! Go Sadie! We know you’re gonna win!

And then all of our worlds come to an end.

The final rose ceremony…curtain up.

Sadie arrives in a hot-ass dress. Her ta-tas look absolutely brilliant, and Lorenzo is awestruck. He knows he loves her. He’s afraid of her untainted vageeg. (That may have been the dirtiest thing this blog has seen since its inception.)

LORENZO THEN RUINS ALL OF OUR LIVES BY SCREWING HER OVER. HE’S LYING TO US AND TO HIMSELF.

I mean. Honestly. Although I called it (because I took a trip to Negativetown) I am still so upset. Literally. I mean, he cried. He KNEW he was making a mistake. He’s just scared of her Virginia.

And then Jen arrives in her disastrous, too-short sparkly dress that made me barf up my pasta (that I made earlier this evening and it was delicious). Welcome back to Florida, folks.

He proposes, I shed 82 tears, and we all kill ourselves.

F the world. I quit.

Until Extra and/or Access Hollywood calls Lorenzo and Jen’s breakup, I bid you adieu…And anxiously await the next Hotty Mc Hot-a-Doc. Hey cute girlfriends, please apply now!!!

I love you all, and I love you Sadie.

MBH

p.s. This evening's awards

1) We are mad at you award: Lorenzo. Stop making bad decisions and faking tears. How dare you fool us into believing your cute cry-baby status!
2) Best line: Chris's (host) line which stated that Lorenzo and Jen "solidified their relationship in the fantasy suite" as he described their history. Basically, they solidified Lorenzo's wenis. Screw their fake relationship.
3) Worst moment: Lorenzo fooling himself into believing he likes Jen.
4) Best guests: Cassie and Aileen. They are amazing.