To Bone or Not to Bone

Oh I just love this episode each season. It's just so beautifully scripted and perfectly predictable in every way. Each season, women are given the chance to forego their individual rooms to spend the night with the bachelor in the Fantasy Suite--all via a handwritten note from our very own Chris Harrison. This season, the first sex fantasy dates are in lovely Thailand...where the beaches are pretty and bugs are food.

First up is Lindsay. They shop in an outdoor market, eat bugs and chicken feet, and spontaneously get through a choreographed date. Later, they have dinner, they share pleasantries and almost I love yous, and traditional Thai dance. Then, the fantasy date card offers up the chance of boning. Verdict: they bone. Lindsay also struggles to get out the cherished (and now completely necessary) three words. But she eventually tells Sean she loves him. He says he loves to hear her say that. I must say, at least he's original.

Next up: AshLee. Sean's motivation for their date is getting AshLee to relinquish control. Whenever there's a motive to try to get someone to be less of their true self, we have a problem. So there's that. But of course I think the best way to prove love is a series of tests, so thank goodness Sean is of the same mindset. First test: swimming through a cave to a private beach. What would be paradise to most people is apparently an opportunity to be abandoned for AshLee. Side note: her body is amazing. So in the cave, they semi freak out because they get lost and have no direction...but...surprise! They make it, because they're on a well-funded reality show and you can't let people die on national TV. Finally, they see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally) and they make it to the beach, make out, etc. At dinner, AshLee gets the fantasy date card. Uh oh, the preacher's daughter is faced with a moral dilemma (because every season we need one character who needs to think about the fantasy suite option for more than five seconds to keep America guessing). Verdict: they bone (or probably just talk). I have to say, it's RIDICULOUSLY AWKWARD when she tells Sean, without being asked, what kind of ring she wants and her ring size. I MEAN!!!

Last up is Catherine. First off, they're the most natural. So that's cute. I mean, his eyes totally light up around her. They sail, swim, make out in the rain, and do other romantic things. At dinner, Catherine shares her ideas for the future and admits that it's weird having to put the moves on without certain reciprocation. I like this girl. She also admits that she's hesitant (in theory) about the Fantasy Suite. So, the fantasy date card comes, and...verdict: they bone. Also, Sean dropped this little gem to the camera: "Catherine gets me better than anyone else." Later, Catherine calls him a "hunk" and "beefy" and it's hilarious. Catherine shares that she's not used to being in a bathing suit so much and that she's lucky to have found someone like Sean; so Sean, ever the horrible person, says "I'm the lucky one." Cute.

Next, Disney has a paid promotion via Chris Harrison and some random people about their stupid new Oz movie. I mean, come on. ABC, you whore.

At the rose ceremony, a poorly dressed Sean, has to break a heart. I think we all know it's coming.

Roses go to:

1. Lindsay
2. Catherine

Goodbye to: AshLee. So sad. Especially after your tearful video tribute to Sean. At least your boobs are ridiculous.

Awards:

1. Lumpiest: Sean. Sorry your workout routine got off track during the filming of this tragic show. We can't even see your abs!
2. Open Book: Sean. It's Catherine and we all know it.
3. Best rack: AshLee's. Girl...work it out!
4. Best scary devil eyes: AshLee's. Yikes.
5. Cutest: Catherine
6. Frontrunner: see above

Until next week,

Mike

Worst brother ever

It's hometown date night, and Sean travels the continental U.S. meeting his future ex-families-in-law.

First, we go to Houston to meet AshLee's parents. AshLee and her Yorkie pup meet Sean in the sprawling suburbs where they share a staged outdoor dinner on AshLee's parents' indoor furniture. It's awesome. AshLee's parents, who adopted her as a grown child (is that a thing?), are lovely and loving and I literally cried when her dad shared his story of falling in love with her upon their first meeting. It was incredible and they are wonderful. Her dad's spikey hair? Not so wonderful. But they're wonderful parents. The only question is: does AshLee have that spark that just might be necessary to win Sean's heart? Or is she just pretty and perfect in the not-so-perfect sense?

Next, Sean heads to Seattle to meet Catherine's family. First they share a great day in the Pike Place Market. They have tons of fun together, and they're very cute as a couple. They catch fish, eat food, and stick their chewed gum on the gum wall. It's all very cute. Then they head to her family's semi-decaying home where her sisters--her incredibly protective and skeptical sisters-- pretty much overtly throw her under the bus by telling Sean that Catherine isn't always fun, she's dirty, and she moves on once guys aren't fully supportive of her every whim. You know...just like good future sisters-in-law should act around him. After dinner, Sean leaves feeling a bit different compared to his super fun date with Catherine earlier in the day. He also probably feels the need to wash his hands since their house was a mess.

Next up: Fort Leonard, Missouri. Here, Sean meets Lindsay and her family, which includes a two-star-general Army dad who apparently hangs his guns on the wall. Like we all do.  Sean and Lindsay are adorable during their pre-date, in which they eat cupcakes, and Lindsay puts Sean through an Army bootcamp. It's cute. What's also cute is her family. Her mom (who would totally be my bestie) is totes adorbs, and her scary Army dad is amazingly kind and smart. When Sean asks for his blessing to marry his daughter (like we all do after knowing our future fathers-in-law for six minutes), her father responds with an amazingly-orchestrated Army-inspired answer about having the authority to make the decision in the moment. In his own words, "you're not in the Army for 31 years to not be direct." Truth, sir. Truth. THANK YOU, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Lastly, Sean meets Desiree (ever the front runner) in LA for a hike on Runyon Canyon and an absolutely horrifying meeting with her nerdy parents and horrible turbo-brother. They prepare dinner for her family, who then arrive to ruin Desiree's chances at finding love to meet the lovebirds. First, Desiree's ex-boyfriend arrives to profess his love, prompting Sean to to get semi-aggro. [Flashback to Sean playing a joke on Desiree during their first date at the art gallery.] Duh...Desiree gets Sean back by playing a joke on him. Funny. Ha ha. But let's get the the juice. Her family is bizarre. Her parents, while totally endearing, are bizarrely nerdy and odd, and her tatted-up brother is positively weird. He's like a total broseph with authority issues who didn't graduate high school and instead decided to get tats, drink Four Loko, and protect his super hot sister not so much to protect her, but to bone her friends. In the end, he tells Sean that he thinks he's a "playboy" who isn't reciprocating the love Desiree has for him. In three minutes, he used three different versions of "reciprocate"--a word his dealer taught him earlier that day--and he scares Sean away for good. It was actually quite sad. Then, the most awkward conversation of the season awkwardly ends, and Sean and his future NOT brother-in-law go back to dinner. Desiree's poor parents try to cut the tension by talking about the weather...but no mention of LA's mythical "four seasons" will repair the damage Desiree's brother has done. Sad.

At the rose ceremony, Sean is a mess. Desiree interrupts Sean as he begins to hand out roses to apologize once again for her crazy brother...but it seems like it's too late. Sean tells Chris Harrison that he's definitely giving roses to AshLee and Lindsay, but he can't decide between Catherine and Des. Let's be honest...you want Desiree, but her brother is enough to make you pass. In the end, roses go to...

1. AshLee
2. Lindsay
3. Catherine

His goodbye with Desiree was actually super sad. Her brother will go down in infamy. If he can first learn what that word means. 

Awards:

1. Hometown winner: Lindsay
2. Cutest dad story: AshLee's dad's story of meeting his adopted daughter. Tear-inducing.
3. Final two: AshLee and Lindsay. 
4. Winner: Lindsay
5. Worst: Desiree's brother.
6. Possible reappearance? Desiree

Until next week,

Mike

St. Croix or St. Cray?

The blog is late, and I am horrible. (Not as horrible as Tierra, but still, I understand that this is far too late.) But let me know just tell you, in the midst of my five-states-in-seven days business trip, I am watching this mess at 30,000 feet. And it's all for you, my beloved readers.

First off, let's talk about video quality during a cross-country flight. This episode took nearly the entire length of my four-hour flight. And I still missed about half of the juicy deets. So this ain't going to be long, and it ain't going to be pretty.

This episode finds the six ladies in St. Croix, battling it out to end up in the final four so they can bring Sean home to their families. There are five normal women left, and one crazypants. Will Sean finally give up on Tierra's temper tantrums and tears? Good lord, we hope so.

Date one goes to AshLee. Sean gives AshLee the opportunity to speak the truth about Tierra, and the usually-nice AshLee takes him up on his offer. She tells Sean something about how horrible Tierra is, and we thank her. Usually I hate the rat, but let's be honest: somebody had to do it. Later, she rats out herself for being a child bride and the young age of 17. Undeterred, Sean takes it in stride. Later, AshLee confesses her love for Sean by screaming about it on top of a chair. A bit awkward, yes. But gutsy.

Next, it's group date time. Sean takes Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay on a buttcrack-of-dawn ride to the other side of St. Croix to see the sunrise. Later, the tour the island to ultimately see the sunset. During the day, he has some one-on-one time in which his connection with Lindsay seems more obvious, Desiree sheds tears about her love for her family, and Catherine tells Sean about her estranged dad. In the end, Lindsay gets the rose. She might be inching into frontrunner status, people. Who knew her crazy wedding dress arrival on night one would find her here?

The next date is with Lesley, our smart, confident politico from DC who I happen to adore. Unfortunately, the date is a bit dicey. They wander around the jungle, and you can just tell they're not clicking. Sure, they're great at flirting, but is there more there? There's little eye contact, and the date leaves Sean confused.

Sean, confused, calls on his sister Shay for some advice. Shay, like the rest of America, also confirms that dating a woman who is crazy (Tierra) is a bad idea. Sean thinks that introducing Tierra to Shay may be an option to see how things play out. He goes to get Tierra and...SURPRISE...she's in tears after a fight with the other women. I know it's hard to believe that Tierra could be remotely emotional and/or combative, but, she is...for the 82nd time this season. They're called mood stabilizers. Perhaps your doctor can look into them for you, my dear.

Luckily, after walking in on drama ONCE AGAIN, Sean determines that it's finally time for Crazy to go back to managing her apartment complex somewhere in Colorado.

In saying goodbye, Sean says: "I think the world of you." (A bit of a stretch, if I must say so myself.) Tierra's kind-hearted response: "Obviously not enough." Good one, poopy pants.

I love it when they are carted away in minivans.  :)

At the rose ceremony, Sean announces to the women that there won't be a rose ceremony and his mind is made up.

Roses go to:

1. Lindsay
2. Desiree
3. Catherine
4. AshLee

Adios to: Tierra and Lesley. 

Dear Tierra,

Best of luck in life. You're the Tierra-worst. Also Tierrable. Hope the Tierra-urbulence on your flight home isn't too tierrable. 

Sincerely, 

America

Also, we love you Lesley. We actually really want the best for you. Not Tierra, obvi. Just you.

Until next week,

Mike

Twice in one week is Tierrable

This week we travel north to the mythical land of Canadia. We get to see Banff National Park, Lake Louise, et cetera. It's so pretty because, as you remember, Canada is a made up place so of course it's pretty and perfect. Eh?

Before I get into the recap, let's address the fact that we've been forced to watch four hours (4!!!!!) of this show in two days. Inappropriate. Tierrable, in fact. Two nights is too (two) much.

The first date goes to Catherine. I think she's a dark horse, so it's exciting that she finally gets some time with Sean. They take a snowbus--piloted by Sean--in a blizzard to go sledding and to partake in other wintry adventures. Is it just me, or it is disconcerting to ride on a glacier in a snowbus driven by a rookie? Sean is looking super cute, though, in his shawl collar sweater. (This is the episode where we become jealous of Sean's sweaters and winter wear.) Later, at dinner, Catherine tells us about how she saw a friend die at the age of 12 at summer camp, and she opens up a bit. Cute. She gets a rose.

Next up, the date card for the group date, which will predict the next one-on-one. Will it go to Daniella? No. Why? Because she has horrible roots.

The group date goes to Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. They canoe across Lake Louise and then get the great surprise of a wonderful cozy hot tub party on the other end taking the "polar bear plunge" into 33-degree water in their swimsuits. Nothing like hypothermia to spice up a hot date. Luckily, no one would ever get hypothermia because they're under water for 2.5 seconds. Oh wait, Tierra gets "hypothermia" and finds yet another emergency situation in which to elicit pity and attention from Sean. My favorite part was Sean pitching the girls on the polar bear plunge by saying it's "something so fun." By that I think he meant it's something that's going to, once again, force Tierra to further hone her acting skills to pretend she's on the brink of death. Naturally, everyone loves it except for Tierra (and Selma, but she's from the desert, so who cares?). Tierra's fall into near disaster was perfectly acted, down to the oxygen tube, obsessive shaking, and running mascara. She's totally brilliant. And horrible. Later, at the party, Tierra shows up even though she almost died two hours earlier. Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family, and expresses her desire for Sean to meet them. Lesley drops some killer truth on us (about Tierra) by saying Tierra is a professional at getting attention" and "We have a Tierrarist on our hands." Brills. Lesley gets the rose.

After the group date, Sean feels the need to dump Sarah in advance of the rose ceremony because he's not feeling it. I'll be honest, I felt bad. Poor girl. Someone will love you one day, I promise.

The last one-on-one goes to Desiree. Sean and Desiree rappel down a mountain in Banff. Sean, always one to wear his heart on his sleeve, 100% confesses his love(ish) by telling Des not to doubt his feelings. Later, Desiree shares stories of growing up in a tent and a trailer park, and I'm secretly fine with that. Nothing like a candominium to give a girl some humble roots. Sean is totally into her. She's definitely in the final two. Also, Sean (again!) wore a great sweater. Does Canada secretly have style?

At the rose ceremony, Selma sheds her conservative heritage and disappoints her entire family by kissing Sean on national TV. Lindsay confides that she sleeps naked. AshLee gives sean a blindfold to indicate her vulnerability (?).  It's kind of hot because he then carries her away, blindfolded, and kisses her. Hot. Like his sweater collection.

Roses go to:

1. Catherine
2. Lesley
3. Desiree
4. Lindsay
5. AshLee
6. Tierra (duh)

Byeee: Daniella, Selma (who's family has now disowned her for the kiss), and Sarah :( . 

Awards:

1. Quote: "We have a Tierrarist on our hands." - Lesley
2. Speak the truth: our lovely Lesley. You so smaht. 
3. Frontrunner: Desiree
4. Saddest goodbye: Sarah. I want to hug her.

Until next week in St. Croix (!), 

Mike

Squeaky wheel gets the...rose?

This week we head to chilly Montana, where we get better acquainted with chilly souls and icy personas. In the interest of time, this episode is the one in which we develop the character of Tierra the Villain. Some superb editing mixed with general bitchiness helps us to quickly realize that Tierra is bad news bears and no one likes her. I mean, we knew this the whole time...but still.

The first date goes to Lindsay. They fly away in a...surprise!!...helicopter, and they take in the sites of Glacier Mountain National Park. Pretty. Later, they eat, she gets a rose, and they awkwardly dance in the town square in front of the good folk of Whitefish, MT. There is nothing worse than a public dance in front of townies, except the two-on-one date, which we'll get to later. But honestly, this date was rather boring although they seemed to have fun.

The group date is next. It's red versus blue, and the team that loses goes home and gets a whole lot of nothing of Sean. Red (Desiree, Sarah, Selma, and Robyn) beat Blue (Lesley, Catherine, AshLee, and Daniella) at canoeing and drinking goat milk (dont' ask). So a sulky Blue team heads home, and Red celebrates with Sean. Except for Sean ends up inviting Blue back out and raining on the Red parade. But first, Tierra crashes the date to ensure that Sean knows she's emotional and wearing her heart on her sleeve and other boring platitudes cementing her place in Crazytown. The best part was when she "snuck" up on Sean from behind, and Sean 100% saw her in the monitor behind him before it happened. It was amazing. Later, Daniella cries to Sean that she hasn't had any time with him and she gets the rose. Squeaky wheel gets the...rose? Sean, you're smarter than you look, but you're doing yourself no favors here.

The two-on-one is between the devil and what's-her-name (Tierra and Jackie). They ride horses, Tierra is a snotface, and Jackie semi-tattles on Tierra for being horrible. Bummer is that she didn't do it well, so she just looked dumb and girly. Later, at awkward dinner, Sean spends time with annoying Tierra, while he fully ignored Jackie. Tierra took that one-on-one time to build her case for why she's crazy. This time, her case involves Sketchy Dead Druggy Ex-Boyfriend. This explains her incapacity to develop human relationships and an irrational need to be loved by men on reality shows. Or something.  She gets the rose and Jackie gets the boot.

At the rose ceremony, the less-than-stellar week devolves a bit further when Tierra ignores the women even more and Robyn and crew confront her for being the worst. Desiree semi tells Sean that Tierra is horrible, Lesley tells him a bit more, and Tierra tells everyone that she's horrible.

Roses go to:

1. Lindsay
2. Daniella
3. Tierra
4. Selma
5. Catherine
6. Lesley
7. AshLee
8. Sarah
9. Desiree

Byeeee: Jackie and Robyn. 

Awards: 

1. Best quote: "He gives roese to girls that are having a hard time." Preach, Desiree. Preach.
2. Too smart for this show: Lesley
3. Prediction of the final three: AshLee, Desiree and Tierra

Until next week tomorrow, when Tierra apparently drowns herself in a frozen lake or something only to further her place in Sean's heart which apparently thinks it's fine to call for crazy people,

Mike