One Bazaar (sic) Night

I ain't even got no time for a witty intro, so here goes. OMG. WTF?!? The moment we all knew was coming kicks off the episode in a grand fashion when Jessie, the boring Canadian chick on last season's Bachelor who we all forgot about because she lacked a personality, calls Ali to inform her that Justin has a girlfriend (cue the feigned shock on behalf of all of the thirteen people watching this show). Then, in awesomely dramatic fashion, Jessie passes the phone to the actual girlfriend, Jessica, an overly-tanned, fake-eyelashed Canadian. Yes, "overly-tanned" and "Canadian" were just in the same sentence. Jessica, struggling through fake tears for the camera, informs Ali that Justin went on the show to further his career and get famous, telling her all along that he'd come back to her and that they're meant to be together. Even though we all knew this was coming, we collectively love this, right? But it gets better.

After hearing the "shocking" news, Ali struts down to the guys' room to confront Justin in front of the dudes that hate him. Upon hearing that Ali has spoken with Justin's girlfriend, Justin, without any defense, ups and walks away (in his trashfest sweatpants emblazoned with some idiot logo) and leaves the place with his bag and passport. It was the ultimate character shift from cocksure jackass to tail-between-his-legs p*ssy (okay, I hate that word, but it was called for). What will hereafter be known as the Biggest P*ssy Moment Ever, Justin evades Ali and her questions and runs around like a loon on the Turkish hotel grounds trying his best to avoid cameras and questions. Dude was walking through gardens and groundcover and reflecting pools. It was awesome. Finally, he summons the courage to talk to Ali. If anyone ever wants a lesson on how to tell when a man is lying, simply play this minute-long segment on repeat. It. Was. AWESOME. Just fumbling for words, creating stories, not making eye contact.

And cue Justin's departure. In what was perhaps one of the best editing jobs in recent Bachelor/Bachelorette history, Justin's exit from the property was not to music, but to the voicemails he left his girlfriend back in Canada DURING the taping of the show. They were filled with "I love yous" and pathetic fodder that just begged to be played on national TV. How much ABC payed the girlfriend for these, we will never know, but it was amazing. So, goodbye to who I labeled this season's D-Bag...best of luck in "entertainment wrestling" now that all of North America knows you're a phony.

Now back to reality. This episode our "world tour" has taken us to Turkey. Kudos to Turkey for getting an awesome pitch to visit their country. ABC made this place look like heaven, what with its architecture, topography and culture--it was as if the Turkish tourism department spent their entire budget on this one episode of this crappy show. Oh wait, they probably did. Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Ty, our conservative Nashvillian. The date was pretty much boring. Ali is a dead giveaway when she views these guys as friends, and at this point, that's what Ty is. Even though they rub each other down in the Turkish baths and share a romantic dinner, it was neither special nor bad. Just nice. A few notes, though. Did anyone notice Ty's man-boobs? Wow. Also, how about his admission that his divorce was because he didn't like his wife working? Um...where are we? 1962 Jackson, Mississippi on the set of "The Help"???!!?? He gets a rose anyway because Ali probably figured Justin already went home, so why not?

The next date is bazaar (sic). (Duh, I totally know it's bizarre, but we're in Turkey, so play along.) Chris, Roberto, Kirk and Craig accompany Ali on a group date to some ancient castle thing. Then they strip down and lather up in olive oil and wrestle each other. You know, just like a normal date. The dudes first wrestle professional Turkish man-people, and then they wrestle each other for some alone time with Ali. It was certifiably weird. Craig beats Chris, Roberto beats Kirk, and in the finale, Craig beats Roberto! It was a total surprise. So Craig wins the one-on-one time with Ali and he effs it up by saying all the right things and cuddling with her even though they don't know each other. Another great example of Ali blatantly not being in to him and giving it all away to the viewers through her facial expressions and actions. Awesome.

The last date is a one-on-one with crazy Frank. This time it's literally bazaar...like at the Spice Bazaar. The lovebirds shop, have dinner in a sistern, and talk about their relationship. I find this whole relationship weird. Frank is just a little too ahead of himself. He's in love with the idea of Ali, but does he even know her? And why is Ali so in to him? Granted, she says that a "relationship with (him) scares me" to his face, but still. He gets a rose.

Back at the rose ceremony, Ali has already made up her mind before cocktails. She tells Chris Harrison that she has a connection with all the guys except one, and she's ready to hand out roses.

So, roses go to:

1) Ty

2) Frank

3) Roberto

4) Chris L.

5) Kirk

This means byeeeeeee to: Justin and Craig.

No surprises tonight!

Awards:

1) D-Bag: Justin

2) Potential Crazypants: Frank

3) Best/Worst Fake Tears: Jessica, the girlfriend in Canada

4) Biggest Upcoming Sneak Peak EVER: ABC fully shows us that Frank, Ty and Roberto make it to Tahiti, which is after the next stop: Portugal. Does this mean that Chris and Kirk get dropped? AND Frank ruins her life in Tahiti. What's going on? Is Frank too scared because he realizes he doesn't know Ali? Is he gay? Why isn't Chris in Tahiti? and Kirk?!? I'm dying.

Until next week,

Mike

Justin = This season's D-bag

In case you needed a reminder. Dude's faking us out with his foot...unless it's a camera trick.

Bachelor Update: Jake and Vienna Split!

As if we thought this wasn't coming.

Snowsuits, crazies and horsies

Off to Iceland we go for a week of chilly fun. The boys land in Reykavik--thankfully ahead of the volcanic eruption that ruined air travel for a month, but just on the cusp of the eruption of horror that is this show.

Before the dates are determined, the boys have to write a poem to Ali to win this week's one-on-one date. There's a lot of bad, and one really good: Kirk. He was sweet, natural and corn-fed Midwestern cute. He brings it home and clearly gets the date.

Kirk and Ali share a fun date on the town. Sweater shops, coffee shops and lobster houses. It's cute, it's adorable, and so are their matching sweaters (notsomuch). On this date we learn that Kirk has never had a relationship over a year, he got super sick in college from toxins in his house, he was a really good runner, and he's just plain honest, natural and adorable. They make a cute couple and dude is inching in to frontrunner status. Ali is starting to heart him and gives him a rose.

The second date is the group mess. Ali and the boys meet in the frigid cold for a freezing horse ride in snowsuits. Let's be honest, the dudes look like Icelandic astronauts. If the country wasn't bankrupt and was able to fund a space program, the analogy would be believable...but whatever. It's kind of hilarious. Ty helps everyone out with the horses because he's country like that. Next they all rappel down into a cave. And next they share an evening at the Blue Lagoon, Iceland's lake with healing powers. Ali strips out of her astronaut suit and is magically wearing a bikini. Dudes pretty much strip down on the spot to join her in the water because of her healing powers. Guys get there one-on-one time during which Ali tells Frank to step it up because he's sitting in the back too much on group dates. After all is said and done, Ty swims away with the rose on this date.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one date, or as I like to refer to it: Crazy, Crazier and Ali. Crazy (Justin) joins Crazier (Kasey freakshow tattoo loony bin) and Ali on a--you guessed it--helicopter date. This is the 82nd helicopter ride this season and we're like 4 episodes in. ABC, get a grip. Can't we fly a private jet or something? Or some Icelandic mountain roving vehicle? Or a whaling boat? I don't know...something unique. Anyway, the two frenemies accompany Ali on a volcano-watching adventure. Okay, we all know Justin has nothing to offer and he's completely working on his wrastler acting skills, so there's not much to report there. Except for the fact that Kasey is batsh*t crazy, and after Ali confesses that "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal" (which is the best quote EVER), Kasey shows her his special tat. And scene. Justin gets the rose and Kasey is left waving to the helicopter in a space suit. Awesome.

Meanwhile, back at the manse pre-rose ceremony, Craig shows Ali his fake tattoo and gets a good laugh, Chris bores Ali with his non-personality (I mean, we knew he was going home because child hasn't been on camera since episode #1, but good lord, give us SOMETHING!!), and Frank and Ali have a moment. Is Frank back? Not sure.

Then Chris Harrison gets all Dr. Love on our asses and tells Ali he thinks she's afraid of falling in love. Ali agrees that she's terrified of not being loved back. Touching and deep, people. Thank goodness ABC brings us back to reality every now and then.

So here's some reality for you. Roses went to...

1) Kirk

2) Ty

3) Justin

4) Frank

5) Chris L.

6) Roberto

7) Craig

Byeeeeee: Kasey and Chris N.

Awards:

1) Most yawn-inducing bore-fest: Chris N. Good lord, someone get me a Red Bull.

2) Best quote: "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." - Ali. Um...not a chance.

3) Frontrunner: Kirk

4) Predicted top three: Kirk, Roberto, Chris L.

Until next week's drama that we all know involves Justin and a girlfriend,

Mike

Crazy is back and his name is Tattoo McGee

So we're traveling around the world to find love tonight. First stop: New York. Ali and the boys pack up and head east in search of romance, colder weather, and culture. I mean, duh, they're coming to my city. Full of culture, fashion and fame. Sure, it's also full of trash on the streets and a massive rat infestation, but let's pretend that doesn't exist. Just for two long hours.

The first date is a one-on-one between Ali and Kasey. What I really want to know during this date is why he talks from the back of his throat like he done swallowed a frog. But ABC is very coy with what's going on there...so I settle for THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENTS IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY! Literally...well...at least Top 5 Most Awkward moments. Things start off typical (helicopter) and end messy. On the lawn outside Ellis Island, after their 'copter ride, Kasey sings Ali an impromptu and fully improvised song about their date and how he wants a rose. I mean, it's like back to preschool where kids just sing their thoughts...to no tune...just to hear their voice. I literally sweat through my shirt. But then the date gets worse. They go to the Museum of Natural History and spend the night in the near dark running around. And don't worry, Kasey makes up another song while Ali literally chokes back laughter. It's nightmare status, people. Before Ali doesn't give him a rose, he drops this bomb: "Ali, I choose you." Um...she didn't ask you. So, you suck. And you don't get a rose. What I really worry about, though, is that Ali tells him she doesn't want him to leave. I die.

Date two is the big gay happy sing-songy group date. Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty join Ali ON A BROADWAY STAGE. Are you dying? I mean last night, the Tony Awards, tonight The Lion King on The Bachelorette?!? My inner theatre queen is out to play, and here we go. The boys "audition" for a role, and, well, as always, the best looking guy wins. Roberto. They sang, they danced, they wore dance belts...and after all of the embarrassment, Roberto wins. And then he and Ali strip down (he to a loin cloth) and they soar through the air on stage. Literally.

Soon after, the show starts. I mean, I'm dying inside. They are Broadway stars for a night and the entire disenchanted underworked theatre community collectively cries inside. If all it took was a rose on the line, I would have won twelve Tonys by now. Just sayin'. But back to the show that Roberto and Ali are STARRING in as they air dance in front of 1600 people. As their scene ends, Ali plants a big kiss on Roberto's lips and I'm fully jealous.

After the show, they all reunite for drinks. Ali isn't feeling well, but the guys are putting on the full court press. Franks gets his time with Ali, Jonathan gets blown off, it's awesome. Kirk takes her away and tells her to take the night off because she's feeling so rough, and she decides to head home early without giving out a rose...but not before Kirk escorts her home and snuggles with her and gets a kiss in bed. She loves it, the other guys do NOT. I'm just concerned they're spreading diseases. Let's be honest. There are viruses involved now, people...you can't just go around kissing every open mouth in town.

The next one-on-one is between Chris L. (birthday boy) and Ali. He could have chosen a cuter outfit, let's be honest. Ali could have chosen better health, but she's selfish like that. Regardless, Ali and Chris spend the day together...just in her hotel suite instead of in the city. He opens up about his family with her, and it's cute. He's very cute, in fact. Is dude moving up in the rankings. Me thinks yes.

Meanwhile, Kasey is not at the hotel. Where could he possibly be? He's taken a one-way trip to Crazytown. Freakshow goes out to Queens to check out the local tattoo parlor. Nothing like branding yourself after one date. ONE. DATE. Um...for once the previews may not have lied. Kasey may be a legitimate freakshow.

Back on the date, Ali is feeling better and they head out on the town. They head to 230 Fifth for some great views, food, and drinks. We'll pretend for a hot minute that it isn't the epicenter of all things B & T, and we let them get to know each other. Chris opens up more about his mom and I tear up when he mentions rainbows. Then Ali and Chris call his dad together on his birthday, which is oddly touching. I've decided they're a cute couple. Ali decides the same, and gives him a birthday rose. They celebrate on the roof with Joshua Radin and a gospel choir serenading them! A fricking gospel choir!!! I mean...let's just say there are now three frontrunners.

Back at the hotel, Kasey returns from getting branded and pretends like he got a third-degree burn and he's back from the hospital. Um...dude is crazy. Carnie crazy freak status. Meanwhile, we know he has a shielded heart tattoo on his wrist and, in his private words, he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve." Dudes aren't impressed.

At the rose ceremony, the boys reunite. Jonathan whips out his guitar and sings awfully for Ali. Okay, let me please tell all future contestants: when you have no talent, please don't share the talent you don't have with your date. It's messy and embarrassing for us all. Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Justin, the wrastler, plots his revenge against Kasey by planning to out his "I'm burned" lie. Let's be honest, we're excited. Justin calls him out and asks Kasey to show him the burn. He "questions his integrity" and the tension builds. It's pretty awesome, because Kasey knows Justin knows the truth. Kasey then shows his branded wrist to the dudes, knowing he's been caught. He wants to "guard and protect her heart"...and he's crazy. I mean, is this guy kidding?!? Is he batsh*t loony? The dudes conceal their horror quite well, though.

Don't worry, because then Kasey has some time with Ali. Before he even talks, we know she's ready to dump him. She was just too weak to do it on their date. And then he shows her the tat...just kidding! Frank interrupts them and takes her away. It's AWESOME. And then Ali is summoned away before the moment to deliberate.

Roses go to:

1) Chris L.

2) Kirk

3) Frank

4) Craig

5) Chris N.

6) Roberto

7) Justin

8) Ty

9) Kasey. WHAT?!?

Byeeee: Jonathan and Jesse.

1) Biggest Freakshow Crazytown Idiot Fool: Kasey

2) Frontrunners: Roberto and Chris L. with Kirk just nudged out of the top three

3) Most Painful Mistake: Kasey's tattoo

4) Surprise: Jesse going home. Kinda shocked, even though he wouldn't have lasted. This should teach him to wear a tie next time. But at least he's back to his dogs.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. shout out to my lovebug.

Bare Naked Embarrassment

Episode three. According to Bachelorology, this means that things get "real" this episode. Jealously starts brewing, feelings get hurt, and things heat up. So with that, we have three dates tonight.

Date one is with Ali's favorite: Roberto the southern Latino. That hair, that skin, those dimples, that cleft in his chin...what's not to love. Cue the helicopter that flits them away to downtown LA where the lovebirds have to tightrope walk between two buildings so they can have dinner together. Let's be honest, the date is a smashing success. They share their first kiss 82 stories above downtown LA, and they share a great dinner and cuddle session together. Roberto clearly gets a rose.

The next date is the nine-on-one clustermess that we know will deliver some drama. Setting: dumpy LA-"river"-adjacent highway lot. You know, the kind of place that just screams romance. Well...just wait. The Bare Naked Ladies are there, and they're going to film a music video!! Even more romantic? A bunch of washed up, middle aged former rockers! Woohoo!! But at least the drama starts. Each guy gets to film a scene with Ali, and many scenes involve kisses. Highlights: Jonathan cries (apparently he was nervous, even though he spends his life on camera as a weatherman); Kirk and Ali have a full on real make out session; all the boys get jealous. Later, they all share Coors Lights on a rooftop somewhere. More awkwardness ensues between Ali and Jonathan, Chris L. tells Ali about his mom passing away, and Kirk gets the rose.

The next day, wrastler Justin walks on his crutches for like 8 miles to see Ali at her house because that's what professional wrastlers who are on crutches do. So there you have it. He's "real" and he likes her. Too bad no one believes it. D-bag.

The last one-on-one date is between Ali and Hunter. Hunter, unfortunately seems incredibly nervous. Let's just say it doesn't go well. Nothing bad...just nothing good. Poor Hunter. Time to hunt elsewhere. It was the perfect setting for a romantic date. Her house, homecooked meal, pools, hot tubs, s'mores...you name it. Better luck next time, Hunt. And stop calling her "Darlin'" after half a date. Justin is dick-ish about it and gloats when Hunter doesn't return home. We hate him.

On to the rose ceremony...

Chris L. and Ali snuggle up and get closer. Steve brings her out for a private champagne date in the front of the house (cute, even though he couldn't open the bottle).

The truth comes out about Justin's secretive one-on-one time with Ali when Roberto and Ali sit down to fall more in love. Roberto tells his bros, the boys get their panties in a wad and start talking about him behind his back. And then they confront him in front of everyone else. Justin is totally shocked and wonders how they found out, but he admits it. We love it.

Roses go to:

1) Roberto

2) Kirk

3) Chris L.

4) Jesse (wearing a denim workshirt and jeans...um...)

5) Chris N.

6) Ty

7) Kasey

8) Craig

9) Frank

10) Jonathan

11) Justin (as if she wouldn't have picked him...it's about ratings, people)

Byeeeeeee: Hunter, Steve, John

1) Villain/D-bag: Justin

2) Potential to become a Jealous Freakshow: Frank

3) Cutest: TBD

4) Front-runner: Roberto, with Kirk putting on the full court press.