The Bachelor Update

Courtney is the worst

2012-02-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

Staying in the Central American theme, this week's episode is hosted by the Belizean Travel Board. We fly north from Panama for four hot dates. Well, three kind of interesting dates and one snooze-fest with Courtney and her immobile upper lip.

The first date is with Lindzi and all her cuteness. The lovebirds are picked up in a (surprise!) helicopter and flown out--while snuggling--to a beautiful reef into which they jump and swim. They jumped into the water from the helicopter which was...10 feet off the water. So exciting! Later, they share a nice dinner. But first, they approach their lone romantic setting for two on a dock. As they approach, Lindzi asks, "Is this us?" No, Lindzi, the only perfectly coifed dinner setting on a dock in the middle of nowhere is actually someone else's table. Your table will be ready in 30 minutes. After dinner, they write a love story, put it in a bottle, and set it to sail in the vast sea off Belize. And by that, I mean, it sinks to the bottom and we're done.

The next date is with Emily. It's her big chance to redeem herself, and she totally does. They have chemistry, they play basketball and the catch lobsters. Later, at dinner, they eat said lobsters during which she apologizes for being weird about Courtney, and they are back to normal. Emily is legitimately cool, I think, and she's fun. She's also too smart to be on this show.

The next date goes to the worst human being alive, Ms. Courtney. She is seriously awful. First off, she's not pretty enough to be a model. Second, she is has no original thoughts whatsoever. Third, whatever she says is awful and stupid. Apparently she's also an "actress," and we now know that she has no future in acting. Courtney and Ben share a lovely (as in, boring) day in the Mayan ruins and the rainforest. She tells Ben that she wouldn't have accepted a rose this week if she hadn't gotten a one-on-one. Normally, this would make a guy second-guess his "connection" with her. And also her character. But Ben? No. He backpedals and basically apologizes to her for...um...nothing. He is a stupid idiot and just wants to have sex with a model more than once. He's a child. Later, they climb metaphorical (and literal) steps to leave behind their drama with each step. Barf. At the top of the ruin, Courtney and Ben prove to the world that they have NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOEVER. Ben says things like "Oh my dad" as opposed to "Oh my god," (cue the cringe) and they talk about why they like each other. Um...no reason, in case you were wondering. It's like the battle of the upper lips, and no one wins. Courtney then decides to open up to Ben about how "vanilla" the other girls are, and how "bored by them" she is. Again, Courtney is the worst. For a second, we think that Ben is over it. But then he fails to redeem himself by pretending to like her again. Ugh...hopeless.

The group date is next, and Kacie, Nicki, and Rachel join Ben in Shark Alley where they swim with sharks and stuff. Nicki is busty, they all tell Ben they're falling for him, and it's blah. Kacie gets the rose (as devil Courtney watches from afar). Later, they all warn him about Courtney being the worst.

At the cocktail party...oh wait...Ben cancels it because he's already made up his mind. But has he? As the girls line up to receive their destiny, Ben asks to speak with Courtney's upper lip. He questions her intentions, and she somehow convinces him that she's there for the right reasons. Ben is literally the dumbest. I mean, he's not as dumb as Brad Womack, but he's just blinded by her beauty(?). Or maybe it's the fact she she boned him in the the ocean a week ago?

Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Nicki (cue collective surprise!)
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney

Bye: Emily and Rachel. Frankly, we're sad to see both of them go. Especially since devil Courtney is still here. WORST!

Awards:
1) No Chemistry Award: Ben. He has no chemistry with anyone.
2) Frontrunner: Kacie? Even though we're scared it's Courtney?
3) Worst: Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

Canal of Tears

2012-02-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

So apparently Panama City looks like Dubai? Except the water is brown? I was a little bit surprised, and you were too. Glad we're on the same page.

This episode we're in Panama City, and we've got some Panamanian drama to serve up (is there such a thing as "Panamanian drama"?). Apparently there is.

The first date went to Kacie B. We all love her. But is she right for Ben? They are whisked away on a--surprise!--helicopter to a private island where they hunt for lunch under what we all knew was the guise of professional chefs and survivalists watching from afar. As if they really caught a fish and found their own coconut juice. Ben was wearing Skechers Shape-ups for god's sake. He looked like a dad at Disney World. He was in no way equipped to hunt for fish via fishnet in the wild. But whatever. Later, Kacie confesses to Ben her big secret: she had an eating disorder in high school. Okay, I'm the last person lessen the severity of an issue that plagues so many women (and men) in these modern times of ours. But seriously? I thought she was about to confess to a teenage pregancy and/or child out of wedlock. But she threw up pizza at a Super Bowl party in the late 90s? Not impressed. Regardless, she gets a rose. (And, for the record, I realize eating disorders are a major issue, and I, by no means, actually mean to make fun of them. But this is The Bachelor, for f*&$@ sake, I need something to poke fun at.)

The next date is a jungle fun group date on a dirty river with tribal people and nudity. Yes, you read all that correctly. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie join Ben on a river boat/canoe and play games and get paint tattoos with the local rainforest people in computer-generated loincloths (please tell me you all noticed the animated butt-cover-ups on the boys as they ran away in one key scene...it was amazing!). Courtney was topless (obviously) and Ben was attracted to her like any idiot guy would be. Later, at the gratuitous pool scene, the girls get their one-on-one time with Ben. Courtney sluts it up, Lindzi drunk talks her way back into his life, and Jamie blah blah blahs while Courtney strips down into her bikini in the background in order to distract Ben during their one-on-one time. What we've learned is that Ben is a giddy geek that wants to bone Courtney because she's "hot" and he's easily distracted by her ridiculousity. It's amazing, and it totally confirms that dudes are jackasses. What's more? Courtney, playing the role of available slut, offers up her room number to Ben for some late night shenanigans. Later, Emily apologizes for to Courtney for judging her earlier and Courtney, predictably, doesn't accept the apology and proves that Emily's judgment was totally founded and warranted. At the end of the date, the rose goes to Lindzi. And Ben does not (surprise!) visit Courtney in her room.

The last date is the much-dreaded two-on-one between Blakeley and Rachel where only one girl is standing at the end. It's a salsa dance party, and upon seeing the caged exterior of the club, Blakeley got VERY excited. Why? Because she's a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and she dances in cages for a living. She's stripper, people, and we all know it. Blakeley quickly asserts that she's a "better dancer" than Rachel. Again, it's your job, Blakeley. We can only hope you're a better stripper--I mean dancer--than Rachel. The date is rather awkward, though, because the girls take turns watching the other girl dance with Ben. Later, at dinner, Blakeley shows Ben her scary scrapbook she's made about their relationship. Not only is she a stripper, she's also a psycho. It doesn't take long for Ben to choose Rachel, which sets off a massive meltdown by Blakeley. I mean, she cried on his shoulder for 82 minutes before she was sent away in the Central American model of the Toyota Sierra minivan. It was brills. The van (obvi), and her tears.

The next day, we get what we've all been waiting for. The reason why stupid Casey gets sent home early. Did her grandma die? Is her dad sick? No, she's in love with some d-bag back home, and it's incredibly boring. She also proves she is in no way a wordsmith as she cannot explain herself in English. But she tries. Chris Harrison escorts her to Ben's room where he's "surprised" by her arrival (even though he's accompanied to the door by two cameramen). He tells her to go home, and we don't care. But her trail--ahem, canal (we are in Panama after all)--of tears is amazing. She looks certifiably horrifying while crying. Oh well, best of luck in Kansas.

At the cocktail party, Jamie literally rapes Ben. She wants to prove to Ben she's there for him, and that she wants him. So, like any normal woman would, she tells Ben that she's going to kiss him (closed mouth first, then open-mouth), and "feel him up." Then, she awkwardly straddles him and does just that. While nervously talking. It was at least two glasses of wine worth of horror.

Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Lindzi
3) Rachel
4) Nicki
5) Courtney
6) Emily

Bye: Blakeley, Casey, Jamie

Awards:
1) Worst cryer: Casey
2) Most awkward: Jamie
3) Most talkative during awkward moments: Jamie
4) Rape victim: Ben (with Jamie)

Until next week,
Mike

Skinny Dipping is for Lovers

2012-01-30T23:20:00.003-05:00

We fly south this week and find ourselves in the midst of some HOT HOT HOT Puerto Rican Latin fire. The girls bring the heat this week, as does the weather. (Did you see how swarmy everything looked all episode? I would have been a sweaty mess.)

Nicki is the big winner for the first one-on-one date, and the lovers spend the day on a helicopter (surprise!) and frolicking in the rain. Sorry about your silk dress, Nicki. After the rain ruins their outfits, Ben and Nicki shop for "ethnic" garb, which leaves Ben dressed like a member of the Latino Rat Pack and Nicki looking like a colorful trash bag. They "stumble upon" a wedding at which the bride takes roughly thirty minutes to ascend the stairs, and Ben and Nicki don't make fun of it. It was at this point that I decided they were boring and lacking in fun. Later, at dinner, Nicki forcibly opens up about her divorce and Ben gives her a rose. The end. It was boring. Also, Nicki had a bruise on her arm. That is all.

The next date is a very American affair with some girl-on-girl action involving America's pastime. The nine girls split into two baseball teams, and the winning team gets to spend a nice evening on the beach with the big prize, Ben! Lyndzi is the lucky MVP who gets to play on both teams (ha ha), so she's a winner no matter what. In the end--after three very exciting fake innings--the Red team (Courtney, Kacie, Casey, Jamie, and Lyndzi) beat the Blue team (Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel, and Lyndzi). Blakeley was incredibly athletic (with her tummy tee, natch) and Courtney made a very astute comment: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Let's be honest, we all hate Courtney, but we were all thinking it. One point to Courtney, although it's immediately retracted due to her oddly immobile upper lip. Later, Dad consoles the losers, Blakeley cries, and the Red team flies away in a helicopter while the dejected losers drive home in a cold, dank bus in tears. It's helicopter number two this episode, people. Try to act surprised. Later, on the beach, Ben gives a rose to cute Kacie and is quickly lured away by Courtney the Conniver who awkwardly throws herself on Ben while Ben is less than interested. Luckily we have time for some blurred out side boob as they embrace and make out. She plants the "let's go skinny dipping" seed, and the date soon ends.

The last date goes to Elyse, who's been waiting patiently for her one-on-one all season. Unfortunately this Chicago-bred personal trainer blows it pretty quickly. They are whisked away on a ridiculous yacht for some uncomfortable conversation which is luckily interrupted by the need to jump off the boat to swim instead of talk. But first, Elyse impresses Ben by telling him that she's already accomplished everything she's wanted to accomplish in life. Um...yeah...awesome way to impress a free spirit. "Um, hi. I'm basically done living and all I want to do is marry you and pop out babies because it's socially acceptable." After Ben realizes she's less than interesting, he says "I think we should jump off the boat." Nothing like literally jumping ship to change the subject. Later, at dinner, Ben and Elyse share an awkward dinner where the only thing we can notice is how miserable Ben is. Before long, Ben tells Elyse that there isn't much of a connection, and she's forced to straddle a zodiac rescue boat in a formal dress in order to get booted from the show and drive off into the mist.

After the date, an emotionally exhausted Ben is greeted at his hotel room by a wine-toting Courtney who is there to offer him a "nightcap." Don't worry, she says "nightcap" four more times before she lets herself into the hotel room, opens up the robe she's wearing (a robe!) to reveal more cleave, and then convinces Ben to skinny dip. His response? "Why the hell not?" Exactly the words any needy girl wants to hear. My favorite part of the whole montage? The blatant cameras and flood lights focused on Ben and Courtney's approach to (and eventual) their nude ocean boning scene. It was 100% awkward, and it was also Courtney's biggest dream in life realized. Another great moment of this night was Courtney's convincing Ben to skinny dip by saying "We're only in Puerto Rico once." Oh really? What about the time you were there two months ago you so rudely reminded us of last week after you got a rose?

The cocktail party is rather uneventful except for Emily apologizing to Ben for bringing up the fact that Courtney sucks last week and promising never to focus on her again...only to dive back in to an anti-Courtney diatribe for five minutes. Hmmm...you'd think a PhD student would be more intelligent.

Roses go to:

1) Nicki

2) Kacie

3) Lyndzi

4) Jamie

5) Rachel

6) Courtney

7) Casey

8) Blakeley

9) Emily

Bye: Elyse and Jennifer. Yes, Jennifer was a surprise.

Awards:

1) Quote: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" - Courtney, on Blakeley.

2) Best Side Boob: Courtney's blurred-out boob on the beach

3) Over it: Ben. Does he really like anyone?

4) Frontrunner: See #3. But I guess I'd say Kacie and Lyndzi with the runner-up going to Courtney because she's easy.

Until next week,

Mike

"I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me."

2012-01-23T23:26:00.002-05:00

Ladies and gentleman, friends and foes, lovers and non-lovers,

This episode is brought to you by the state of Utah, underwritten by the Church of Latter Day Saints and Mitt Romney. Why? Because we're in Park City this week, and I may or may not have been driving through while they filmed this episode. Why? I'm famous and I can't divulge too many details. So let's get to it.

The first date goes to Rachel. This is--cue the music--the first helicopter date of the season! The 'copter swoops the lovers up and over to a pristine lake on which they canoe and don't really talk much. After the awkward canoe ride (ride? what do you call canoeing?), they share a rather quiet and un-conversant dinner during which Rachel opens up just enough to secure a rose. Yes, I just reviewed this date in four sentences. Rachel left me with very little to work with.

The next date finds Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney horseback riding through the "country" and fly fishing in waders and boots. Courtney, ever the model/actor in the making, decides this is a great opportunity to turn this group date into a one-on-one. And she does it quite successfully by convincing Ben to fish with her. She also convinced a fish to bite and she was the only one to catch a fish during the entire date. Barf. Later, the girls join Ben at the Waldorf-Astoria. My favorite part? The varied costume choices. We spanned hoodies to cocktail dresses to bikinis and it was amazing. What was also amazing was Samantha getting booted during their one-on-one time dring which she accosted Ben for taking her on three group dates in a row. Ben, ever the father figure, put her in her place and basically told her it was a test and she didn't pass. He sends her home mid-date. Later, Ben takes Kacie aside for some reassuring one-on-one time only to turn around and spend even more time with Courtney (her polar opposite). Courtney, the studied actress, ends up with the rose because Ben is dumb and falls for her conniving ways (she convinced him that she was concerned about things, thus opening up Ben to a lifetime of living with a case of the batsh*t crazies if he eventually chooses her, which he probably will because this show sucks).

The last date goes to sweet Jennifer, our homegrown girl from Oklahoma. They rappel into a crater lake, awkwardly kiss in the water (because of the treading of water and all), and share a rainy evening together. Daddy Ben cannot stop paying her compliments on her kissing ability, and later takes her to a country music concert where they dance awkwardly in front of 1,000 spectators. My. Worst. Nightmare. But whatever, she gets the rose and we think Jennifer is sweet.

At home, during Jennifer's date, the girls do makeovers, and talk sh*t about each other. Obviously the main subject is Courtney, but Courtney gets her chance too, during which she calls Jennifer "normal." You know what, Courtney? There is nothing normal about your bee-sting/paralyzed upper lip. You're annoying and your manager is clearly a rockstar for landing you this gig. Best of luck on The Bachelor Pad next season.

At the cocktail party, Emily decides it's about time to tell Ben about Courtney's conniving ways and general horrible-ness. Unfortunately, her words fall upon rather deaf ears, and Ben doesn't really buy into it, thus making our smart Emily look rather dumb. Boo...Ben, why are you stupid?

Later, Casey S. (apparently Courtney's only friend in the house), finds out that Emily talked to Ben about Courtney and immediately runs to Courtney to tell her. Courtney, the wordsmith she is, responds with, "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." Exactly, Courtney. My thoughts, exactly.

This is followed by a few scenes of blithering bitchiness on the part of Courtney, which eventually lands us at the rose ceremony.

Ugh, girls are exhausting!

Roses go to:
1) Rachel
2) Courtney
3) Jennifer
4) Lindzi
5) Jamie
6) Nicki
7) Kacie B.
8) Elyse
9) Blakeley
10) Casey S.
11) Emily

Bye: Samantha, Monica. Don't worry, they both cry, even though they don't know Ben.

Awards:
1) Thanks, Dad. This award goes to Ben, as he fatherly gives advice and pointers to the girls on a date-ly basis. My favorite this week (Ben to Courtney, about the group date: "I'm surprised how well you did." Thanks, Dad.)
2) Best bee sting lips: Courtney's
3) Best kisser: Jennifer, apparently
4) Front-runners: Kacie and Courtney.
5) Quote: "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." - Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Will Ben call Courtney out on her two bitchy comments at the end of this week's rose ceremony? After Ben told them they'd be heading to Vieques, Puerto Rico, Courtney responds with, "So two months ago." Then she raises her glass for the toast and says, "I can raise my glass higher than everyone." Thanks, Courtney. You're so smart you can actually point out the obvious.

Bridges, fainting and Shawntel

2012-01-16T23:58:00.001-05:00

This episode takes us to sunny San Francisco, where we face our fears, ski in bikinis, and get sloppy seconds. Ben is so excited to spend time with the girls in his "hometown" (how many hometowns do you have, Ben?) and the girls do not disappoint when it comes to drama...except for they kind of do after all the previews ABC teased us with prior to this episode. I mean, how many of us thought that Ashley was going to be the Mystery Girl who reappeared for another chance? Boo, hiss.

The first date is one-on-one with Emily. The cute PhD candidate gets schooled when it comes to her fears as she and Ben climb the Bay Bridge together. Speaking from experience, having just climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge myself, this stuff is scary. Especially when it's not a well-traveled tourist destination and you find yourself scaling up a steel beam that collapsed in the late 80s during the big quake. Emily freaks out a bit (her biggest fear is heights), but all is solved when Ben fixes it with a kiss. As if we didn't think that was coming. Later, the two lovers share a dinner on a pier along the Embarcadero, and I think they actually have some chemistry. She shares a rather horrifying story of an online dating set-up with her brother, but all in all, the two hit it off. Emily actually seems normal. Don't quote me on this, but that's what it seemed like. Ben gives Emily the rose and they kiss under fireworks. You know, like every couple does at the end of their first date.

The next date is the group cluster-date, during which they get to realize something on their "leap list" which is something I've never heard of until this episode (brought to you by Honda) made it up. All the girls get to realize their lifelong dreams of skiing down a San Francisco street filled with fake ice/snow on a warm fall day in their bikinis in front of random passersby and Asian townies. I mean, who doesn't have this item on their mythical leap list? It was priceless seeing the girls fall and successfully pull off full-on spread eagle crotch shots for everyone in town? Simply amazing, if I do say so myself. Kacie B. gets the gold for the date by essentially going ass first down the hill until she crashes at the end. Later, the girls go to a bar, they all claw at a chance to make out with Ben and...wait...back to the hotel where the next date card is being delivered to the remaining girls.

Surprise! The next one-on-one goes to Brittney (remember the girl who showed up with her grandma?). Or does it? Brittney seems less than enthused by the idea of a date with Ben, and she tells the girls she's "torn and confused" about the prospect of being with Ben. Thus, she decides to leave the show and interrupt Ben on the group date to share the news of her departure. You know Grandma's pissed!

Back at the group date, Brittney does just that. She tells Ben she's voluntarily leaving, and he's a bit taken aback. But then he makes out with three more chicks and eventually gives the rose to Rachel. Clearly make outs solve everything. I learned that in the 8th grade.

So who gets Brittney's sloppy seconds? Lindzi! Ben and Lindzi share a cute date of trolley rides, ice cream, impromptu concerts at City Hall during which they're serenaded by Matt Nathanson, followed by double-secret cocktails at Bourbon and Branch where she tells Ben how she was once dumped via text message ("Welcome to Dumpsville: population you"). [Remind me to call her ex-boyfriend to get more one-liners. He should monetize these things!] It seemed fun and cute and Ben agrees by giving Lindzi a rose and telling the camera that "she has potential" like he's on House Hunters and debating putting down payment down or something. Um, Ben? Lindzi isn't some trashy townhome in Tampa, she's a woman who wants to maybe be your wife. Let's refer to her as more than "potential."

But then, the drama we've all been waiting for arrives in a slinky red dress to get her man. I thought it was Ashley, maybe Michelle Money, but I did not predict random-ass Shawntel, the funeral director from last season who laid Brad out on an embalming table only to get kicked off. But yes, that's who showed up looking for her chance at love with Ben. She walks in, the girls freak, and she interrupts Ben's time with Elyse to make her case. She sounds a bit crazy when she tells Ben about how she thought there was potential with Ben by watching his season. She also mentions how Ben and she had talked a few times. I this case, I'm pretty sure "talked" means "boned," but whatever. Shawntel asks to be able to attend the rose ceremony, and is here for the opportunity to earn a rose. Ben, a bit dumbfounded, calls the cocktail party quits a bit early. All the girls inevitably freak, and it's amazing. Courtney is mean to the other girls, stirs up some stuff with her oddly-immobile upper lip, and everyone is on edge.

At the rose ceremony, the drama unfolds a bit more. Courtney is not staying if Shawntel gets a rose, Jaclyn is crying, and there is a cat-like nip to the air.

Roses go to:
1) Emily
2) Rachel
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney (Who stays, duh. She has a career to further here!)
5) Kacie B
6) Elyse
7) Jamie
8) Jennifer
9) Casey
10) Blakeley
11) Monica
12) Nicki
13) Samantha
14) We're left with Jaclyn, Erika (who has fainted by this point...literally fainted), and Shawntel. Who does Ben choose? NO ONE! He sends them all home. So we're left with lucky 13.

Byeeeee: Brittney, Erika, Jaclyn, Shanwtel

Awards:
1) Most busted: Jaclyn
2) Best fake faint: Erika
3) Worst upper lip: Courtney
4) Most disgusting tattoo ever: Erika's tattoo INSIDE HER MOUTH. Gross.

Until next week,
Mike

This episode was brought to you by horses, jugs and chiclets

2012-01-09T23:17:00.005-05:00

It's only episode two and I'm already tired. This show is simply exhausting, and it drives me to drink and stress eat far too much. Of course I'll never miss an episode as I have adoring fans worldwide, but if I were a free man I would probably be doing more manly and normal things like watching the NCAA national championship game featuring one drunk Southern school versus another. Alas I am not a free man, and I remained chained to two hours of hell on a weekly basis. You're welcome.

This week Ben whisks the girls away to his adopted hometown of Sonoma, CA. The first one-on-one date goes to my personal favorite, Kacie B. from Tennessee (I love her even more now that I just realized her name is a rhyme). Ben picks her up in his old-school Bronco convertible (my dream car!) and they spend the day in downtown Sonoma. At one point, Kacie finds a baton at a toy store and confesses to Ben she was a baton twirler when she was younger. Cue the performance and my embarrassment. But we love Kacie, so it's okay. Later, they budding lovebirds share a dinner at The Girl and The Fig (I love this place) and I think they actually have a connection. Ben gives Kacie a rose at dinner, and then they head to the movie theatre where the feature is old home movies of Kacie as a baby and Ben and his dad. Too soon? Yes. Debbie Downer alert, for sure. This causes Ben to cry on his first date with Kacie...which is both heartwarming and weak. They kiss. Aww...

The second date is a cluster-date with somewhere between 12 and 15 chicks. My idea of a disaster date. First, the girls put on a play with local children of wine snobs (this is Sonoma, after all) that makes me cringe at least 14 times. Granted, I loved the hilarious costumes, but still. And then Ben takes his shirt off on stage. Naturally. Okay, this is the first time Ben has taken his shirt off...including last season. Clearly those biceps were born in the off season. Kudos, ABC.

Later, the girls get to woo Ben in their swimsuits during the gratuitous pool scene. Ben starts kissing everyone, and eventually falls under Blakeley's horse face-jugs-and-chiclet-teeth-fueled evil spell. Poor Jennifer from Oklahoma feels bad and used, and the rest of the girls are just pissed. Samantha put it best, when referring to Blakeley: "We hate her. She's horsey and tranny." I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'll say it anyway. Blakeley (who serves drinks at NASCAR races and poses nude in her real life) has concrete boobs, a veneer flipper, and enough makeup to paint an entire drag queen show twice over. But don't worry, she gets the rose. And Ben's stock plummets.

The next, and last, date goes to Courtney, this season's other Villain. They share lunch, no original thoughts, and then they kiss and she gets the rose. Courtney literally has no thoughts of her own, and only regurgitates everything Ben tells her in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe she should focus less on trying to think of things to say, and more on figuring out how to work her oddly-inactive upper lip.

At the rose ceremony, everything that you would expect to happen actually happens. What's that, you ask? Blakeley is a bitch who interrupts not one, not two, but three girls' conversations with Ben. Jenna is an emotional train wreck who is so far removed from her mood stabilizers I'm thinking the producers hid all sharp objects in a 20-mile radius. Surprise! She cries again (12 times) about absolutely nothing. And the other chicks are grumpy and uneasy about the too-early drama that has blessed the sacred house. Someone refers to Blakeley as a "horse face" which causes her to feign emotion and hide in a bedroom. Ben then finds her (in a room filled with lights and cameras, wow!) and convinces her to come back out and join the living and less-inflated members of the cast. Next, he finds Tears McGee (Jenna) and urges her to do the same...only to dump her five minutes later at the rose ceremony. YES!

So, roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Blakeley
3) Courtney
4) Jennifer
5) Emily
6) Elyse
7) Jaclyn
8) Erika
9) Rachel
10) Lindzi
11) Nicki
12) Casey
13) Samantha
14) Monica
15) Jamie
16) Brittney

Byeee to: Jenna (CRAZY) and Shawn (two-toned hair)

Tonight's awards:
1) Front runner: Kacie
2) Fakest everything (including personality): Blakeley
3) Poster child for what going off your Lithium/Xanax/Valium cocktail could do to you: Jenna.

Until next week,
Mike

I have a feeling we've been here before

2012-01-02T23:15:00.004-05:00

Friends, foes, followers and fans,

Here we are again. A new year. A new resolution. A new show. Except the "new" show is being repeated for the 16th time and we just keep coming back for more. Gluttons for punishment we are, and it's just time to admit it: we love this train wreck of a show and we'll never let this love affair die, even though the love found on this show dies 99% of the time. But let's be optimistic this year. At least for tonight. We are the 1% (who still watch this show). If we're not optimistic about love, let's at least be optimistic that these chicks will bring drama and tears for days, because that's all we really care about. Let's also be optimistic that the next bachelorette (season to start May 2012) is one of these 25 young ladies vying for Ben's love but really vying for a chance at stardom all her own.

The episode begins with teasers into nine of the bachelorettes' lives. I love this because ABC fools you into believing these girls will all be contenders. Why else would they waste all this time flying to their hometowns and profiling their lives if they're going to be kicked off early? To fool us, that's why. And, as always, there are a couple of unlucky ones (Amber and Lyndsie [not to be confused with the other ridiculously-spelled Lindzi]...sorry). Of course the other seven will probably be the last seven standing because ABC can't fool us too hard. We're on to you. And it only took 82 seasons.

Before we meet the 25 chicks, let's first catch up with Ben. Oh hi, Ben. You're still cute and still into wine? Great. Also still rocking cute style and a bad haircut? Yup. Ugh...seriously? You couldn't have cleaned up that mop even a little bit?

Back to the girls. I won't profile all 25 because we've seen them all before. But some fun ones stick out. The first lady out of the limo is Rachel. Cute, and totally on trend with bangs. Unfortunately her busted teeth are not so much in season. Sorry. We also have Canadian Bacon...I mean...Amber. There's a Kentucky-bred pageant queen named Samantha, and a VIP cocktail waitress named Blakeley. Don't worry, she's totally on the show for love. I swear. A grandma also gets out of the limo, but only to introduce her cute granddaughter, Brittney (to emphasize her love of family, duh). Jennifer from Oklahoma gets out and tells Ben she tried on 54 dresses before choosing the dazzler of the night (a sparkly navy stunner two sizes too big). Um...methinks you should have tried 55, sweetie. (Props to LC for that comment, and my whole Bachelor-watching crew in ATX who makes my life infinitely better with nonstop banter and ever-flowing wine.) My favorite entrance of the night, though, goes to Anna, a.k.a. Ms. Detroit, who literally walks right past Ben without saying hi. I about died. But then I realized, it's probably how she deals with strangers. Girl can't ever be too safe in the D-town. I also loved Lindzi's entrance on horseback.

Other tidbits I loved tonight:
-The lesbian encounter between Monica and Blakeley on the couch.
-The fight that ensued between Monica (lesbian McGee) and Jenna over literally nothing (as in, eight of us couldn't figure out why Jenna was mad at Monica, and it was awesome). It left Jenna in near hysterics and Monica talking about cutting her.
-Jenna and Monica both being blackout wasted to the point of slurring their incoherent thoughts in hopes of reconciling their invented problems.
-Dianna's homemade dress that made her look like an artisan sausage in white.
-Courtney being profiled as this season's Villain with the role of Back-up Villain played by Monica.

In the end, the First Impression Rose went to Lindzi, the horse lover. She seems nice, but there might be some crazy underneath.

Roses went to:
1) Lindzi
2) Jamie
3) Rachel
4) Blakeley (For ratings, duh. This show needs straight men to watch it.)
5) Emily
6) Kacie
7) Casey
8) Brittney
9) Erika
10) Shawn
11) Nicki
12) Jennifer
13) Elyse
14) Samantha
15) Courtney
16) Jaclyn
17) Monica
18) Jenna

Tonight's awards:
1) Drunky McDrunkerson: Jenna. You had so much potential until the tears started. And your general annoyingness.
2) Worst dress: Casey from KS and Jennifer from OK
3) Hot Mess Express: Jenna
4) Weirdest "Job": VIP Cocktail Waitress (Blakeley from Charlotte, NC). I'm thinking this means she serves drinks at NASCAR races.
5) Villain: Courtney and Monica
6) Front-runner(s): Kacie and Lindzi. Big hopes for Kacie from TN.

Until next week!
Mike

Ben F. is the next Bachelor

2011-08-25T17:50:00.005-04:00

Oh Ben...I had higher hopes for you than this. Really? The next Bachelor?

Are you too nice for a season full of me tearing you (and your lady friends) down on a weekly basis?

Time will tell, Ben. Time will tell. Until then, keep drinking your wine. You'll need it.

Happy Ending

2011-08-02T00:48:00.006-04:00

Are you ready for this mess? It's pretty simple: this season was the worst. As was this episode. There's nothing like a tatted-up overly-critical sister to bring a man down, and that's exactly what happened tonight.

You'd think Fiji was an amazing place until you saw Ashley's family there. Nothing like a sweaty brother wearing a shark's tooth necklace to bring a bro down. Add a ridiculous amount of sweat into the equation and you're done for. Dude was toweling off on camera throughout the episode. Pair him with his Nascar-loving dad and bad-dye-job mom, and the family was a mess. And don't even get me started on the sister. She says she's the rational one? I'd love for her to explain the rationale in covering every square inch of her upper body in bad-taste tattoos. Yup, I said it. Really? An Asian woman on your upper arm? No thank you.

The first family meet-up was with JP. A sweaty JP got to meet a very sweaty family on the very sweaty lawn of their private cottage. Whomever produced this episode was either 1) brilliant or 2) blind. Why show each and every wiping of the sweat from the brow/boobs/neck throughout the entire date? (Too make us drink faster during our impromptu drinking game, thankyouverymuch.) A sweaty JP is questioned quite heavily from Ashley's tatted up (like tattoos from head to toe) sister. The one that ruined it all: "Does he make you laugh?" asked the horrible sister. To which Ashley can't fathom a response. From there on out, Sister Tats McGee was over it and over JP. She let him know, too. She told him that Ashley was more into Brad last season than she was into him, and she told Ashley the same. Cue the tears (and cue Reason To Drink #2 in our drinking game). In the words of Evil Sister: "You're too much for him," to which Ashley states that "He's better for me" (than Ben). Later, during some one-on-one time, Ashley's sister and JP sit down to chat further. Amy Winehouse (I mean her sister) says that JP is too serious for Ashley and we all have decided Sister is obnoxious and horrible and jealous. Ugh...the only good part about this date was when Ashley's sister made her cry (which we, once again, drank to). Anyone see where Ashley's insecurity comes from? Done and done.

The next date--oddly later the same day--was with Ben. A sweaty Ben meets her same dumb family. Luckily they're inside this time...but it doesn't stop poor Ben from sweating profusely. There is very little remarkable about this date besides: 1) Ben re-confirming the fact that he always dresses well; 2) Ashley's brother looks like a sweaty k.d. lang; and 3) when Ben and Ashley demonstrated their talking-to-their-dog voices, I drank an entire bottle of wine. Ashley's sister was way nicer to her; and--in turn--Ashley was totally weird and pretending she was funny and silly with Ben when in fact she was just stupid and dumb and trying to impress her family.

Later, she has her final date with Ben during which she is totally over him and he overtly expresses his love for her. She closed-mouth kisses him and it's amazingly horrible. I'll drink to that. Poor Ben...

Next, she has her last date with JP. He's totally over the fact that her family completely hated him, but he tells her he loves her and gives her a completely unoriginal producer-made photo album. We all collectively barf...but then we barf more when Ashley leaves the date without boning him. What?!? Seriously? Maybe it's because we all know who she's choosing and she knows she has a lifetime (or a month) of boning ahead of her.

So...yeah...

At the rose ceremony, Horrible Ashley gets a visit from the well-dressed Ben first. He gets down on one knee and proposes. What's horrible about this is the fact that Ashley let him get this far knowing she was going to say no. Poor guy gets dumped. But his reaction is amazing and dignified. We love him. We hate Ashley for letting him get to the point of getting on one knee when she knew she wasn't going to choose him. She just confirmed her horrifitude (made that word up, yes).

Next, JP shows up in his awfully-textured black tux to propose to a stupid Ashley who says yes even though neither of them are sure of this. Surprise! It's the end of another horrible season and we're promised a break-up and tear-filled TV special in the very near future (which will be coincidentally timed perfectly with the start of another Bachelor season). Sidenote: I didn't even see the proposal because I was too entertained by the reaction of my friends with whom I watched this far-too-long season.

Awards:
1) Worst underscore EVER: "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," by REO Speedwagon during the proposal and its aftermath. If you were wondering what 80s power ballad had the cheapest music rights, now you know. Really? Really...this actually happened.
2) Best Dressed: Ben. All season long. The world has a collective crush on you.
3) Most dignified: Ben. We heart you and your perfectly hipster-meets-prep personal style. See you next season when you're the Bachelor.

Until never,
Mike

P.S. I can't even get started on the "After the Final Rose Special." There wasn't enough wine...even though there was and I drank two bottles on my own over the course of this train-wreck of a night. What? Yes.

To Bone or Not To Bone

2011-07-25T23:30:00.002-04:00

Dear Baby Jesus, please make this season end. Oh, what? You're shortening it a week and airing The Dudes Tell All and The Finale back-to-back next week? Thank you for also realizing this is the worst season ever, and that Ashley will go down in history as horrible.

Now that we have that cleared up, let's get to tonight's episode. In two words: it sucked. To Bone or Not To Bone is a seminal moment in each season, yet somehow--like clockwork--Ashley has failed to deliver once again. But before we get into tonight's three boring dates, Ryan (a.k.a. Smiles McGee) returns to reclaim his lost love. Um...no...but more on that later. You still suck, and must we remind you she sent you home!

The first date is with Ben. He is cute, he is fashionable, and he adores her with his doe-eyed oblivion. He's also way more into her than she is into him, and it's slightly upsetting. After 82 seasons of this mess, I can hone right in on the setting-you-up-for-heartbreak music, and it was underscoring the entire date. Of course, we have a few moments of cuteness (or downright overt sexuality) when they cuddle-slash-almost-bone on the boat deck. At dinner, Ben is ready to open up, but we can all read Ashley's over-it face a mile away. Regardless, when faced with the To Bone or Not To Bone date card, they choose: To Bone. However I fail to believe there was boneage. Sad, because I like him best. (Guess who's going to be next season's Bachelor?!?!? You heard it here first.)

The next date is with Constantine. She clearly likes him. He's clearly put on some weight. They have a lovely day on a helicopter and jumping in waterfalls. Then they have a dinner which President Obama rudely decided to interrupt with our silly debt crisis. I mean, really? Is the President of our fair States really prioritizing our inevitable default on debt over Constantine and Ashley's inevitable breakup? Really, Barack? Now?!? The audacity (of hope) this man has is unbelievable! But back to the task at hand...which is Constantine breaking up with Ashley mid-date! Yes, you read that correctly. He says he hoped to be at a point of saying he loved her, and he's unable to do it. He then excuses himself from the date (third guy so far this season!!!) and walks away from free sex. Let's be honest, people. He must have really been over Ashley to walk away from a night of free, guiltless, and paid-for lovemaking in the Fantasy Suite to dump her mid-dinner. It was downright amazing. And with that, Ashley has just set a record for the most-dumped contestant in history. In other words, I'm not the only one who thinks she's the worst. More wine, please. Verdict: Not To Bone.

The last date is with JP. Ashley poignantly describes their relationship as "adventuresome," a word I would not have chosen (nor do I believe exists). But first, she dumps Ryan again. But enough about him. JP and Ashley have a nice date. She definitely likes him, but does she really like him? Or is she just nervous he's the only one that has a chance because she's been walked out on 12 times this season? I think the latter. My favorite part of the date? When Ashley told JP that she and Constantine decided together that there was nothing between them. Amazing euphemism for "he dumped me." It was brilliant. But JP was sold. At the end of the date, the verdict was in: To Bone.

So...another uneventful rose ceremony of foregone conclusions leaves us with:

1) Ben
2) JP (Who wore mandals. MANDALS!!!!!!)

Awards:
1) Worst: Ashley

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. For those who missed it, The Dudes Tell All is next Sunday, and The Finale is next Monday. 7 more days until we're free!

Hometown Dates

2011-07-24T00:17:00.012-04:00

This will be fast. Why? Because I missed last week due to my famous trip to Sonoma. Why was I there? Because this show forced me to take an entire trip focused on wine and the consumption thereof. Wine makes life easier because this show makes life hard. Thanks. That is all. (Sorry for the atypical delay in posting, for real.)

Before the first hometown date, we get to see Ashley's studio apartment (yes, I just said studio--as in one-room home--in Philadelphia). Nothing like a Bachelorette living the glamorous life.

Date one: Constantine at home in Georgia. They start at his Italian restaurant. Yes, you read that correctly. The Greek guy's Italian restaurant. Naturally. But then you throw in a Greek dad and a full on Southern mom, and it makes sense. Just a mixed bag, if you will. Cute dinner and a nice family--especially when the extended family showed up for a fulfills-all-stereotypes Greek family gathering dance party. Awesome. Overall, I give the date an A-. She got the approval of both Mom and Dad. Opa!

Date two: Ames and his WASP-defining family. Nothing like the Main Line, Philadephia to reenforce every stereotype of the American WASP. It's amazing. Horse-farm-dwelling-yet-urbane stiff-upper-lipped family? Brilliant. He and his sister, Serena, are literally twins (down to the teeth and forehead), and I love all of it. Her name is not fitting, but whatever. Her Botox is also a mess, but whatever. Don't worry about the sister's convo with Ashley. It happened poolside...next to their INDOOR pool. Like, barf. I mean, do they live in a house, or a country club? Or is there any difference to Ames's family? My favorite part? His sister hits home the fact that no one can find a fault in Ames. Um...yes they can. I've met five of them and his faults are pretty pronounced. What? Yes. I also loved that his family Waspily (didn't say it verbally, but said it with their tone and facial expressions) realized that Ashely is not one of them. She's essentially the help, and I almost expected his mom and sister to ask Ashley to clear the dishes. Later, Ames and Ashley spend some time alone where we are now shown that, without a doubt, the two share no chemistry.

Next we head to--where else??--Sonoma! Ben F. is cute in his grey jeans and boat shoes and he's smitten as he takes her to taste his wines out of the barrel. Ahhh...to be smitten. And wine tasting. (Sidenote: I want his family's house in Sonoma. Thanks.) They share a dinner with Mom and Sister. And then there's the emotional talk about Dad with Mom, and we all cry. OK, Ben just jumped to the top of my list on which he was already towering. Ben is falling for her, she likes him back, and there's not much more to say.

Finally, we head to Long Guyland to meet JP's family. Upon seeing him, Ashley confirms she definitely likes him with her reaction and demeanor. Since it's raining, they go roller skating, like all 7th graders do. All the details were there, down to the number one power ballad of all time: REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." I died. Then I barfed. Then I died more when they shared wine out of paper cups. Later on, we head to his family's house in Roslyn, NY. From here on out, please read everything in a harrible Long Guyland accent. Their house is wondahfully suburban, and it's positively perfect...in a vinyl-sided kind of way. Everyone is so darn concerned about JP, though. Who was this devil woman who broke his heart so profoundly? Poor guy. But, not too poor. He's totally fallen for Ashley and is confident they'll end up together. This may not end well...

Back in LA Ashley chooses everyone but Ames. Surprise!

The final three:
1) Constantine
2) Ben
3) JP

Goodbye Ames. Your incapacity to process your dismissal was hilarious. Your dumbfounded face was priceless and we enjoyed every minute of your mouth agape. And your fake tan. In addition, your jacket was pinned AGAIN. Why did this happen twice?

Sorry for posting this so late. Another update after tonight's episode.

Until...um...tonight,
Mike

Made in Taiwan

2011-07-11T23:16:00.007-04:00

Children...we only have a few episodes left until this dreaded season comes to a close and another impending breakup is upon us. I pray we make it through. Thank God we have wine to dull the pain.

Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!

Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.

Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.

As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.

The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.

The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.

After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:

1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?

Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.

Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.

Bromack. Emily. Donezo.

2011-06-29T18:55:00.001-04:00

Read all the juice here.

The inevitable break-up has finally occurred. And another one bites the dust.

The return of the Dot Dot Dot

2011-06-27T22:31:00.003-04:00

It's the night we've been waiting for. Bentley, the d-bag of the century is set to return to (hopefully) confirm, once and for all, that he's the douchiest of bags.

So before we get into this episode's dates in Hong Kong, we first get to see the dreaded Bentley once more. When Chris Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has flown to Hong Kong and is in the hotel to see her, she responds with a profound: "SHUT UP!" Chris is like...um...no. And you're crazy. Ashley then confesses to the camera that she's so excited Bentley flew all the way to Hong Kong to see her. Like he's actually there to rekindle the relationship they never had. Um, Ashley? 1) You're still officially deranged; and 2) He's there for one reason and one reason only: to extend his crusty 15 minutes of "fame" and to chill in a posh hotel suite instead of being a father to his poor (and poorly-named) daughter.

After letting the shock that Bentley is back settle in, Ashley heads to his room to figure out the "dot dot dot." At the door, we get to witness the most awkward kiss of the season thus far, as Ashley plants one on an unsuspecting Bentley. It's amazingly hilarious. And like that, Bentley starts leading her on once again. Leg touches, arm grazes, you name it. This guy has his act down...he's a true artisan of douche baggery, and for that, I salute him. But, in the end, Ashley surprisingly sees through his idiocy, and realizes that this is not the dot dot dot, but the period. I did actually love that she called him out for simply wanting a "vacay" as opposed to figuring things out with her. You finally guessed it Ashley! Congrats! So...with a very apropos "F*ck you" from Ashley, Bentley is sent packing forever, and she's finally capable of falling for the guys who are actually there to be with her. (As opposed to plug their indoor trampoline business.)

So, on to the dates! The first one-on-one goes to Lucas, or Big Tex. It's this West Texan's first time to shine...and like the oil glistening on his cowboy boots...he kind of does. Their date is a stroll around town followed by a sail and dinner in the harbor. At first I thought there was no spark whatsoever, but then Ashley gets him to open up a bit about his divorce, and he seems like a genuinely good guy. She gives him a rose, and then he gives her a cute kiss and they dance. Ashley confesses she feels comforted by his "manlihood." After briefly choking on my wine and dying, I've decided that yes, she is the worst. I'm not sold on Lucas at all, but he does seem very calm and collected and comfortable around her. Dark horse?

The group date puts Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Blake in a boat-to-boat dragon race to woo Ashley. The six guys are split into three teams. The Blue Team, or Team Twinsies, is Constantine and Ben. The Red Team, or Team Frenemies, is Blake and Ryan. And The Black Team, or Team Pronounced Facial Features (Ames's forehead and Mickey's jaw), is Ames and Mickey. They have to recruit innocent Hong Kongians (what is the proper term here, and do I care?) to fill their boats so they can compete with a full team. Long story short, Team Pronounced Facial Features wins the big race...and later that night (after little to report besides Ames's and Ashley's kiss-filled elevator ride to a nice view of Hong Kong) the rose goes to bright, happy, cheerful Ryan. The guys are pissed. Ryan is, well, happy. Duh. Dude has two emotions, happy and happier, and she's bringing them both out to shine.

The last date is the long awaited second one-on-one between current frontrunner, JP, and Ashley. She's very excited to see him, and JP is equally so. He's also super sexy and we all love him. We love him even more after he fully tells Ashley he's falling for her. Then Ashley tells JP about Bentley. As suspected, this cool cat shrugs it off and loves her for her honesty. He was a bit thrown at first, but he comes back around and spends the rest of the date making out with her all over Hong Kong after he gets the rose. He's definitely got a lock on the frontrunner position. Did anyone catch her calling him "Jordan Paul?" Go Team JP! We got some love in the making.

Then at the rose ceremony, a confident and relieved Ashley wants to get the Bentley news off her non-existent chest to the rest of the guys. Surely they'll take it as well as JP did. Right? Wrong. Unfortunately, they're not as nice as JP and the reaction is...well...mixed at best. Lucas is flat-out pissed. Ryan is happy-go-lucky as always. Blake is mad, but after he makes her cry, his mood changes and he's over it. And Mickey flat-out asks to be sent home, and after Ashley turns it on him, he dismisses himself and floats away into the Hong Kong moonlight. I mean, he was boring, so no one really cares that he's left, but that was a dumb move. Or smart, if you--like the rest of us--think Ashley is a big mess.

So, after an emotional week in Hong Kong, Ashley gives roses to:
1) Lucas
2) Ryan
3) JP
4) Ben
5) Constantine
6) Ames

Byeeeee to: Mickey and Blake. No big loss there as we never got to know Blake, and he was kind of a dick about Ashley's Bentley news. But I think he's a good guy, so sorry to see him go.

1) The Official "Dot Dot Dot" Count: 8. She said it 8 damn times.
2) F-bomb surprise: Ashley has a potty mouth!
3) Sexiest: JP
4) Frontrunner: JP
5) Always wearing white pants: Ames. Will I see you in Nantucket later this summer?

My end of season prediction, after seeing the saucy previews: JP makes it to the end. But, after a few twists and turns near the end where he's not convinced Ashley loves him, he leaves her on the altar even though she chooses him in the end. So Ashley ends up alone. Yup, I said it. I also think Ames might secretly make it to the final two as well. We seriously have to live with his forehead for another month? Yikes!!!

Until next week (Is it on? Do I have to skip the beautiful Pure Michigan fireworks to watch this trainwreck?),
Mike

Brain Damage

2011-06-20T23:29:00.006-04:00

Brain damage? I think I have it after watching this show. Ames also has it, but we'll get into that later. In case you've never watched this show before, this was a horrible season to start. Why? Because Ashley is simply the worst. The worst, I tell you! Thank God the wine is limitless in my kitchen...speaking of, let me pour another glass and get this mess started.

We continue our insecure jaunt through Asia with a trip from Phuket to Chiang Mai where there will be--surprise!!--three dates. The first date is a one-on-one between Ben "Emo" F. and Ashley. He looks cute in a pink polo, but he mucks it up with some dark shoes. Sure, my inner preppy loved that they were boat shoes, but still. Wrong color. They spend the day in the markets of Chiang Mai, and frankly, it's boring. Then they sit down and chat near a temple, close to which it is apparently inappropriate to kiss. They talk about how much they want to kiss, and Ashley plants this special quote on us to wake us up as we nod off: "I just wanna jump on him." Sure...me too...if he would show his personality (and his body) a little bit. They share a romantic outdoor dinner later that night during which Ben talks about himself, they share a kiss, and he gets a rose. Nothing too much was notable from the night, besides the fact that Ben looked like a real life Aladdin in his balloon pants and white shirt. Very East Asia chic.

The next date is the group date, and it's a killer sucka punch to the face. Literally. Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP and Mickey meet Ashley (who is wearing a stuffed sports bra) at a Thai boxing school where they learn the ins and outs of how to kick a$$ Thai style. The best part, later in the day the dudes are paired up and they literally beat the sh*t out of each other in the ring as Ashley looks on. Very romantic! Amazing date idea, producers! But before we get into who beats whom, let me proudly announce that this is the FIRST SHIRTLESS SCENE OF THE SEASON! Thank Baby Jesus, we finally see the guns these guys have been hiding for the past four episodes! Good body awards go to Ames (I'm sure he's had personal trainers since age 5, being the privileged one he is), Blake and Mickey; although they all looked pretty good. The bods were a bit freshly shorn for my taste, but that's just me.

On to the match-ups...Blake beat Lucas; JP beat Mickey; Ryan P. gave Ames brain damage; and Constantine beat Nick the body builder. Of course with any date involving sport, we had an injury as I hinted in the previous sentence. Ames, with his delicate mind, was clocked one too many times and he was driven via ambulance to a Thai emergency room...all while wearing pink shorts. To be honest, it was awesome. He was 100% dazed and confused and literally just stared aside and smiled for the next day. I loved it. For once, he wasn't regaling us with stories of the 75 countries he's visited and how he's surely Thai boxed with a private tutor before. After his brief visit to the help, though, he returns to the date donning the requisite WASPy white pants and navy blazer. Sure, he looked good. But his blank stare was still in full effect. I loved it. I also loved that Blake got the rose and finally came out of nowhere to give us the goods. Will this be a match made in dentistry heaven? No. Ashley is a mess. But one can hope.

Meanwhile, back at the resort, the final two guys--William and Ben C.--get their dreaded two-on-one date card. Nothing much to report here, except for the fact that William is over the top drunk as the date card arrives. Nothing was made of it during the show, but it was awesome. Dude's eyes were rolling back and he could barely string two words together. It was awesome.

The next day, William and Ben C. go on their date with Ashley. Two walk out the door, and only one will return. Or will he? The two boys accompany Ashley on an elephant-riding, raft-driving date through the Thai wilderness. Ben walks funnily, and William is short. Not only is he short in stature, though, William is also short on manners as he throws Ben under the bus for talking about going home and online dating during his one-on-one time with Ashley. This leads to the best (worst) moment of the night, when Ashley goes directly from her time with William the Rat to dumping Ben without even questioning what she's just heard? Why? Because she's an insecure, spineless idiot and I'm over her. But back to the show...Ben is sent packing without question. It's simply ridiculous. She trusts a cell phone salesman with no college education to show her the way to love? If I trusted a cell phone salesman to guide me through life, I would be saddled with four extra cell phones on a family unlimited plan for the family I don't have. Just sayin'...

But later, Ashley slightly redeems herself by sending William home too. Yes...where two men went...NONE returned! But before he went, William said at dinner: "I'm a 30-year-old boy, I still have a lot to do." Yeah, like get a real job and go to college. So, he's sent home at dinner and he says, during an almost-tearful goodbye, "I leave here; I go back to nothing." Sidenote: I doubt the semicolon was included in the sentence as it came out of his mouth, but it just felt right. Plus, he's not going home to nothing. He's going home to a job at the Sprint store at the mall in Ohio! Lucky William.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley is a predictable insecure, boring mess. She is totally over it and still hung up on the guy who willingly left the show two episodes ago because he's a fame-hungry a$$: Bentley. I literally can't comprehend this, so I'm not going to get into it in this precious place we call the blogosphere. But she's a train wreck and I can't wait until Bentley comes back next week.

The only other notable thing at the rose ceremony was Constantine's unfortunate neon green dress shirt, which luckily (for us, not Ashley) matched Ashley's eye makeup. Amazing.

So, Ashley gave roses to:
1) Ben F.
2) Blake
3) Constantine
4) Lucas
5) JP
6) Ames
7) Mickey
8) Ryan

Byeeeee: Ben C., William, Nick.

Awards:
1) Biggest Mess: Ashley
2) Worst. Bachelorette. Ever: Ashley. Right on the heels of the Worst Bachelor Ever, Bromack!
3) Frontrunner: JP.

Until next week,
Mike

Thigh-land

2011-06-13T23:16:00.003-04:00

As each and every season does, we've moved on from LA. This season we're headed to rainy Phuket, Thailand. Why? Because it's cheaper during the rainy season, duh. And Ashley is so heartbroken over Bentley that she needs a change of scenery. At least that's what Chris Harrison says. We all know this was the plan all along, but we'll just go with it. And on the Bentley note? Let's play a little game here. It's called How Many Times Can Ashley Mention Bentley in One Episode? (I'll give you a hint: it's over 10.)

Upon arriving to Thailand, Ashley sits down with the concierge of the resort to ask for assistance in planning the dates. Does this barely-English-speaking concierge actually help her plan dates? No, but it's a great effort at getting the resort more of a branded presence in a greater way than just flashing the sign in the exterior shot. Great job, Renaissance Resort, Phuket. Kudos.

Before I get into the dates, though, can I please air a rather large grievance first? We are on episode four, people, and we have YET to have a shirtless pool scene! This is blasphemy! There are two reasons we watch The Bachelorette. The first is hot guys, and the second is shirtless hot guys. Help a brother out, ABC. Your show is built upon gratuitous shirtless scenes...make it happen already! There has been no shortage of pools at your locations. There has, however, been a shortage of shirtless man meat.

The first date goes to Constantine. He's flown under the radar so far, so we're not sure what to expect. Their date is supposed to be a boat to a private beach, but the red flags at sea force the date to the land. So Constantine and Ashley shop on the streets of Phuket and gain advice on how to make a marriage work from a poor shopkeeper. You know, the normal. In between scenes, Ashely focuses each and every voiceover opportunity on Bentley and how she misses him. Awesome. Bentley: 3; Constantine: 0. Luckily, Constantine bears his guns during the dinner scene and woos Ashley even though he's wearing running socks on the beach. What was he thinking? He's on a beach and he's wearing shoes and socks? But he gets a rose. And I think he might actually be a good guy. With nice arms...

The second date is the group date between Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan. This is the date I'd like to hereafter refer to as the Bachelor Gives Back date. This season, the guys come expecting a lovely day on the seas off Phuket, but instead they have to repair an orphanage. Ashley, the well-spoken one of the group, leads off with this tasty treat: "In case you didn't know, in 2004 there was a tsunami." Oh really, Ashley? The tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of people just a few years ago and devastated an entire corner of the globe?!?! Nope...don't remember it. But the guys pitch in and do a good deed by painting the orphanage and giving away bikes to needy kids. Ben F. walks away the big winner of the day by painting a poorly-done mural of an elephant and being very emo about it. Not only does the dude look like Josh Groban, he has the heart of an artist too! He also secretly has guns as his biceps were lookin' good as he painted his ugly mural. Later in the evening, JP makes out with Ashley, after which she proclaims his kisses to be the best she's had so far. Pretty hot, I must say. Gotta love a good townie. Ryan, fastly becoming the new most hated member of the house, steals Ashely away not once, but twice, and totally irks the guys. Before the highly anticipated and Worst Pool Scene Ever, Ashley gives the rose to her emo lover Ben F. Then we have our first mass shirtless scene of the season in which no bodies are revealed due to poor lighting and bad editing. Thanks for nothing.

The last date goes to Ames, or, as I'd like to refer to him, Forehead McGee. Forehead arrives wearing a sassy cap-sleeved top and white shorts, like any Yale grad turned NYC banker should. He spares no time in announcing he's been to Thailand four times before (duh, who hasn't?) and regales us with stories of his privileged past (he's been to 70 countries) interspersed with horrifying comments about the fact that navigating caves in a kayak is akin to navigating a new relationship. Profundity, indeed. This dude is as rehearsed as last night's Tony Awards. Before this date, all I cared to know about Yale was the hard-and-fast rule of "One in four, maybe more" (as in one in four guys are gay on campus). Now I just think they're all douchebags. Sorry gays, Ames stole your thunder. He also stole a rose. Ashley is quickly becoming the bachelorette with the worst judgment ever. She's also ridiculously insecure, but we knew that last season. Also, Ames was shirtless in one scene, but we didn't even get to see the bod because his forehead was in the way. Boo.

At the rose ceremony, the boys apparently no longer feel the need to dress up. I think one of them wore a tie. They also don't feel the need to impress Ashley. When asked if he's ready for a relationship, West lets an awful lot of silence pass before giving a bad answer. Lucas just seems like a West Texas frat boy. And Ryan is just happy and dimply, as always.

But Ashley, ever the rule-breaker, feels like she needs to give out 11 roses tonight, instead of 10. So the 11 left standing are:

1) Constantine
2) Ben F.
3) Ames
4) Lucas
5) Ryan
6) JP
7) Nick - Surprise of the night! Dude hasn't had a second of face time yet!
8) Mickey
9) Blake - Better step it up soon.
10) William
11) Ben C.

Byeeee to West. Sorry about your wife, and sorry that some total losers got to stay and not you. :(

Tonight's awards:
1) The Bentley Count: I counted 11 mentions of the DB of the century. You?
2) Literary Scholar/Douchebag Alert/Botoxable Forehead of Dreams: Ames
3) Frontrunner: JP, with Ben F. trailing closely behind.
4) Most famous: Me, duh.

Until next week,

Mike

Dot dot dot...

2011-06-06T23:37:00.004-04:00

People, let me just say that--as we all hope--it gets better. Because if it doesn't get better after tonight's episode, our world is doomed to eternal singledom and damnation. Why? Because tonight the walls of normalcy came down and one entire half of our world (the male half) will be digging itself out of its grave for the next 82 years. Who do we have to thank? Bentley, the DB of the century. Or, at the very least, the DB of the last 7 horrifying seasons of this stupid show.

But let's start on a (relatively) positive note first. Tonight's episode has three dates: two one-on-ones, and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ben C., the NOLA-bred lawyer with a square jaw and a knack at speaking too much and too fast. He's a self-proclaimed dancer, so Ashley capitalizes on that and takes him to a dance studio to teach him a special routine. After the rehearsal, the lovebirds go to the mall (duh, how romantic) to enjoy an outdoor picnic and an impromptu (SURPRISE!!!) flash mob. Yes, much to Ben's surprise, his dance moves fit in perfectly with the planned flash mob which magically took place in the exact spot of the picnic he shared with Ashley. Wow. But yes, it was cute...even to my ice-cold soul. What was less cute was the verbal diarrhea that spewed from Ben's mouth during their dinner later that night. He was intense and very forthcoming about his hopes and dreams about finding love. So intense, in fact, that Ashley couldn't get a word in edgewise. But, after a few incredibly awkward and tongue-less kisses, Ben gets a rose and stays around until next episode. Hmmm...does she really like him?

The next date is the group date...but first the masked guy--whose name is Jeff, apparently--reveals his face to Ashley. They share a special five minutes out back before they head on the group date, during which Jeff confesses his feelings (what?!?!) for Ashley, and takes of his rubber mask. While I secretly hoped the mask would reveal a face broken out from two weeks behind a mask, all it revealed was a big nose. Wah wah...But, upon revealing his face, Jeff blessed us with this special quote: "Hi, I'm Jeff." Profound, indeed. Much like the size of his schnoz.

The group date...er disaster...is a roast of Ashley at a Sunset Strip comedy club hosted by some comedian named Jeffrey Ross, who I was supposed to know. Let's just say the roast was an utter disaster. Each and every guy (Ben F., Blake, Jeff, Chris, Lucas, Ryan, William and Bentley) embarrassed themselves with bad humor. They also embarrassed Ashley by continually pointing out her small boobs and the fact she wasn't Emily from last season's Bachelor. William, in particular, went a bit over the line and actually made Ashley cry after he referred to her by saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure." Wow...first you didn't go to college and next you say that? Not cool, Cell Phone Salesman, not cool at all. Luckily, Bentley swoops in to comfort her during her teary outbreak by saying that at least 24 out of the 25 guys were happy it was Ashley instead of Emily. For those of you out of the loop, the intended inference was that he was the one outstanding dude who hoped it was Emily upon hearing about the next Bachelorette. Such a nice guy...

William and Ashley talk next, and William apologizes profusely for his mean words. He says that he thinks he should leave because his words were inexcusable (true) and then he goes for a deep and thoughtful walk alone through the sketchy streets of Hollywood. After their talk, Ashley is comforted by some nice guys...namely Jeff (mask) who tells her about his three-legged dog. Um, bad timing, Jeff. And why didn't Ashley stop William from leaving?!? I mean, he was totally mean, but we all love him and so does she.

Next, after being beaten down by the dudes, Ashley feels empowered to call Bentley out on his supposed bad intentions for coming on the show. First off, this fool of a woman is fully in love with Bentley after like three days of knowing him. But she tells him that Michelle Money (pictured below...BOOM) told her that he was not on the show for the right reasons and that he intended to promote his business and leave after a couple weeks. I have a couple things to mention here:

1) This Michelle Money is Crazy from last season. Remember, she was from Salt Lake too? Hair dresser with a daughter named Brielle? Amazing. Michelle Money is, quite literally, money.
2) I love how Trash knows Trash, and Michelle and Bentley are somehow linked very closely. Amazing! Were they married? Do they just come from the same trashy block?

After Ashley confronts Bentley, he stammers and stutters and bit, but somehow discredits Michelle and assures Ashley that he's there for the right reasons. Right...

But, Ashley gives the rose to Ryan P. who comforted her nicely during some one-on-one time.

The next one-on-one with J.P. (yay!) is next, but first, Bentley (who has decided he will leave the show upon waking up) steals the spotlight once again. Is he leaving because he's not attracted to the "ugly duckling" (his words) that is Ashley, or because he isn't an actor and can't keep his BS story going. So, to take his final bow, he visits Ashley during the day to tell her he's leaving the show because he "misses his daughter." What he really means by that is "I'm gonna make her (Ashley) cry...and I hope my hair looks good." Actual words, people! Bentley (remember this guy is a father of a young girl) uses his daughter as BS fodder for baiting Ashley into believing that, although he's fallen for her, he can't go on without his poor daughter who desperately misses her father. Poor daughter is right! This child is the seed of the Worst Version of the Male Specimen, and she's being dragged into this mess because of her DB father. Ashley, upon hearing the news of his intended departure, is overcome with grief as she says through sobs, "Your daughter has your heart, but you have mine." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? IS SHE SERIOUS?!? I can't. Oh but wait...Bentley, milking her for all she's worth, basically tries to bone her by saying he wants to keep the "dot dot dot" (...) with her. "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." Wow. Fortunately, Ashely and Bentley say goodbye without boning. Worst. Bachelor. Ever. Literally.

That night, poor JP has his date with Ashley, who is a washed-up mess after her day of drama. She proves this by acting insecure with him. Their date is a boring date at Ashley's house, and poor JP is forced to drink wine with her in their PJs. Ashley even comes out busted in her nighttime glasses...but JP proves he is as cute as he looks by laying a hot-ass kiss on her. He may have moved up in the rankings...big time...and he gets a rose. Ben C. should take a cue on how to kiss a woman.

At the rose ceremony...oh wait, there isn't one because Ashley is too spent to deal with it. So after Chris basically convinces her (without saying it) that Bentley is a douche, she makes her choices.

Roses go to:
1) Ben C.
2) Ryan P.
3) JP
4) Constantine
5) West
6) Mickey
7) Ben F.
8) Blake
9) Nick
10) Ames
11) Lucas
12) Wiliam

Adios to Mask..er...Jeff and Chris. Bet Mask is kicking himself now.

Awards:
1) DB: Bentley
2) Father of the Year: Bentley
3) Quote: "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." -Bentley
4) Frontrunner: JP, with William close behind (even though he has his tail between his legs).

Until next week,
Mike

Happy Memorial Day!

2011-05-30T22:01:00.012-04:00

Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all nursed your veteran-earned hangovers nicely on your day off. I know I did! ("Bridesmaids"...go see it!) My liver is slowly expanding back to its pre-weekend functionality, although I'm imbibing a little vino to deal with this show at the moment. So here goes...

Episode two and we're already in Vegas? Travel budget is back, baby! I mean, it's just dirty Vegas, but this could mean good things for our worldly travels this season. So yay for that. Boo for dead family members :( But I'll get to that.

Tonight we have three dates: two one-on-ones; and one group date (and by group, I mean 12-on-one). Ouch. But first...BAM!

Yup, don't worry about it. One of my minions snapped this bad boy of Ben C. in New Orleans this weekend. What does this mean? Not sure, besides the fact that he has a rockin' bod and he's groping pool bodies over a holiday weekend without Ashley. Did he get the boot?

Back to the show, the first one-on-one goes to William, the cell phone salesman from Ohio. Ashley picks him up in her (ABC's) Maserati. Glad to see nothing's changed, what with contestants driving impossible-to-own cars and acting like it's normal. Continuing on the "nothing's changed" theme, the lovers are whisked away on a private jet to Vegas where the date starts off rather oddly. Like a cake tasting followed by choosing rings followed by a mock wedding in which William actually says "I do." Poor guy. It's like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds," but she didn't lose him, and William played along. Luckily, the date turns around quickly as the lovers have a private dinner in the middle of the fountain lake at the Bellagio. Most of you are thinking, "Oh, how romantic!" I'm thinking, "What if he had to pee during dinner?" At dinner on the water, Ashley finds out about William's passed away alcoholic dad and the fact he didn't go to college. Clearly, I'm concerned about the lack of a degree, but she was unfazed. She was also touched by his honesty about his dad, which was made more poignant about the fact that he wears a watch eternally set to the time of Dad's death. But enough about that...William is certifiably cute and his dimples don't lie. She fully likes him and admits he's a frontrunner. Clearly he gets a rose. Go Midwest! But not if you're an Ohio State fan (an Ohio State fan with a crooked coach).

Date two is the dreaded 12-on-one. Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames head to Vegas and are immediately thrown in the fire. They meet Jabberwocky, the "nation's best dance troupe," and are split into two teams to compete for more time with Ashley and a chance to star in that night's performance. The teams--The Best Men and No Rhythm Nation--go head to head in poorly-self-choreographed dances. No Rhythm Nation win the competition and the Best Men are sent home. Nothing like an eight-hour trip to Vegas (although I'm sure there have been many shorter and more tragic trips in Vegas's illustrious history...I'm sure Britney's met and married someone there in fewer hours than it took these dudes to lose a dance contest). So the six winners get to stay a few more hours, and a few of the guys take advantage of the time. West tells her about his deceased wife, Bentley pretends that he likes her, and Blake ensures she knows that he's a Type A dentist. More on Bentley: is this guy the next (and worse) Wes? He just might be. Especially after he drops these gems: "I'd like her t*ts on my chest," and "She's not my type," and "Can we bag this and go play blackjack?" (after he got the rose!). He also essentially had her eating out of his hands and begging him to stay on the show even though he has a daughter. Eww...hated him. But yeah, he gets the rose. And he acts like this on camera with a daughter at home?

The next one-on-one is decided by a coin toss. Seeing as this show is full of platitudes, we had to play in a Vegas-themed date in...Vegas. On one side of the coin is Mickey, the pretty Chef from Ohio; on the other side is J.P. the construction guy from New York. Mickey wins the toss and heads to Vegas for a coin-filled date. Like every detail is decided by a coin toss, even the rose. Overall, the date was pretty uneventful. I think he might be secretly (or obviously) boring. But, again, he has a dead family member (Mom), so there was a touching moment in the date. The date ends with a private "beachside" concert by Colbie Caillat, he gets a rose (via coin toss) and it's over after a kiss.

At the rose ceremony, the boys are hungry for some attention. First off is J.P., who cutely tosses a coin to get a kiss, and he wins. He's actually cute and funny and maybe normal, so we like him. A few more highlights: The Masked Dude (do we even know his name?) almost takes off his mask before being interrupted; William annoys the other guys by gloating; and Bentley makes us hate him even more by making Ashley look stupid and just staying around to make out with her fully knowing he's not attracted to her and doesn't want to stay around, but will do so regardless, just for the sake of competition. I honestly feel bad for Ashley for what's coming, but you can't say she wasn't warned. I mean, who believes that a guy is a good guy after being blatantly told that he's on the show for the wrong reasons? In addition, how does the casting team sleep at night? And why do we watch this show?

So, roses go to:
1) William
2) Bentley
3) Mickey
4) West
5) Constantine
6) Ryan P.
7) Ben C. (see pool pic above)
8) Nick
9) Ames
10) Lucas
11) Jeff
12) J.P.
13) Chris
14) Ben F.
15) Blake

Byeee: Stephen; Matt; Ryan M. Too early in the season for us to care about you. Sorry.

Awards:
1) Best quote: "I'd like her t*ts on my chest." -Bently (the one with a daughter at home, in case you'd forgotten)
2) Villain: Bentley
3) Cute but Boring: Mickey
4) Most dead relatives: this season.
5) Frontrunner: William

Until next week,
Mike

And we're off

2011-05-23T23:39:00.007-04:00

Lovers, Frenemies, Former Lovers and Friends,

And we're off. The Bachelorette Season 82 has begun, and it started with a bang. By bang, I mean Ashley's bangin' new bod, new hair, new nose, and new dance moves. Hit me baby one more time? Yes, please. Who knew four months off TV could do so much? In the day and age of The Biggest Loser, we all knew it was possible...but it's still fun to poke fun at Ashley's endless repertoire of midriffs and belly shirts. Amazing. She's definitely in the running for America's Hottest Dental Student. And she's running against no one.

But on to the meat. The 25 bachelors arrive one by one, but not before the montage of the eight guys who are bound to be contenders for the final rose: Ryan P.; JP; Ames; Ben C.; Ben F; Bentley; West; and William. Talk about a season of drama. Among these eight guys, we have two dead dads, a dead wife, two douche bags, a daughter named Cozy, and a wristwatch eternally set to the time of a dad's death. Awesome. Count me in! In addition, count me in for my first season blogged from my new home, Austin, TX. Don't worry...they still have wine here, so I'll be happily fueled. I'm also happily surrounded by some witty fools and our watching parties are in full swing! Yay for Texas (and wine)!

In Ashley's first sit down with Chris Harrison, she confesses that she hopes she doesn't let the guys down (even though she's no longer insecure). Sure Ashley, keep telling yourself that. Ashley also tells Chris that she was called the week prior to taping and told by an anonymous source (i.e. a friend of Bentley's ex-wife's) that Bentley is not on the show for the right reasons. Amazing. He's also the father of the previously-mentioned Cozy, so we're not sure if he's ever thinking coherently. But time will tell...and due to poor editing, it looks like we're in for an awful lot of time with Bentley on the show. Way to go, ABC.

But back to the arrival of the 25 dudes. Without mentioning all 25 dudes by name, I'll try to cover some highlights (and lowlights).
-Ryan P. arrives and he's cute.
-Mickey goes in for a kiss upon meeting Ashley, only to be fully rebuffed and embarrassed.
-Stephen, this year's gay, is a hair stylist. Unfortunately his hair speaks otherwise.
-West, one of this year's guys with a death in his past, gives her a compass eternally aimed west. Barf. (Dead wife.)
-Ben F. (Dead dad) Great arrival with a bottle of his own wine. He's a "wine maker." And also an online marketer. And also a student. And also Josh Groban's doppelganger. Dude's got a lot going on.
-Anthony, the epitome of a Jersey guido is just that. He's also a butcher. Even better.
-Matt, the paper salesman, will be hereafter known as "Dunder Mifflin." I love the word hereafter.
-Jeff is wearing a mask. Enough said.
-Mike is dressed like Pee Wee.
-Chris, complete with frosted tips and pinstripes, is from Canada and he's got an accent to match. Did someone forget to tell him his country isn't real?
-Nick, the Matthew McConaughey look-alike, is from Trampa. Because we always need a contender from Tampa.
-Blake is a dentist.

So after the boys are introduced, and Ashley changes her wet dress (after standing on the hosed-down driveway for three hours), we get to really meet the guys. Ben C. pulls a "Love Actually" and woos Ashely with cue cards and a foreign pedigree. William, while cute, wears a virtually iridescent shirt. He also has an alcoholic dead dad, so we'll pretend we're okay that he bought his shirt on the sale rack at TJ Maxx in Columbus, OH. Ashley tells JP she's always wanted to be called "Cupcake" (and we all vomit on cue). Bentley fully evades the blatant bait from Ashley giving him the opportunity to confess that he's there for the wrong reasons. Like anyone would...but still. And finally, Tim, the liquor distributor from Long Island, essentially blacks out after drinking all the liquor distributed at the event. Yikes...and the guy is 35. It's time to pull it together, buddy. So Ashley sends him home. Is he perhaps the drunkest contestant ever? Maybe. Was that also the worst snore dub in TV history? Yes.

The coveted First Impression Rose (FIR) goes to: Ryan P. We're unsurprised. He's cute, he's an entrepreneur, and he's Green (solar power), so he's very en vogue. He's like the equivalent of locally-raised, hormone-free, grass-fed beef. Everyone loves him, and they feel good about loving him. What's not to love?

So the 18 survivors of Night One are (18, really?!? Ugh...):
1) Ryan P.
2) Constantine
3) Jeff
4) Ben F.
5) Lucas
6) Stephen
7) Matt/Dunder Mifflin
8) Nick
9) Chris D.
10) Ryan M.
11) Blake
12) Mickey
13) Ben C.
14) West
15) Wiliam
16) JP
17) Ames (the ogre)
18) Bentley

Byeeeee: Tim (Drunky); Jon (This season's first tears! Really?? A cocktail for two hours and tears?!? In addition, let me remind you that you're a dude.); Chris; Mike; Ryan; Rob; Anthony

Tonight's Awards:
1) Best Job Title: William's. Cell Phone Salesman. Way to aim high.
2) Douchebag Alert: Ames. Your Ivy-League pedigree and ogre-like face are a recipe for douchebaggery. Can't wait!
3) Villain: Bentley. We're on to you. Even though you're hot.
4) Worst Dressed: Mike/Pee Wee. Just say no to grey suits with red ties.
5) Hottest: Ryan P.
6) Frontrunner: Ryan P., with JP closely on his tails.

Until next week,
Mike

Only Two Weeks Until Disaster: Iteration 82

2011-05-13T19:38:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that in just over two weeks, I'll be bound to my couch each Monday evening in order to watch The Worst Show on Television just to please you, my loyal readers. But I will do just that, for you. And because I'm famous.

So stay tuned. Show starts May 23. Get ready for drama.

Bromack update: I've only seen him once since arriving to Austin. I can't wait to meet him and have him want to punch me. Awesome.

Move over Bromack, there's a new blond in town

2011-04-14T09:39:00.004-04:00

Friends, lovers and fanatical fans,

If you haven't seen the cover of New York to Austin Monthly you're a little late to the party. Why? Because this Bachelor blogger is moving to Texas. (Cue jaw-dropping screams, coffee-spilling gesticulations, and guttural-sounding guffaws heard 'round the world.) So move over Brad Womack, because I'm about to live two streets away from you and your soon-to-be-failed relationship.

Be scared. Be very scared. Why? Because I'm famous.

While my sunny, Yankee disposition and cunning smile may fool you, I'm taking notes in the unlimited paper trail that is my head. I'll see you in your bars, on the street, on the running and trail and in the gym. So much as even try to kiss me another girl, and, well, let's just say this blog has more than 82 readers.

Looking forward to a boot-scootin' good time, Bromack :)

Until next season,

Mike

And the next Bachelorette is...

2011-03-15T09:20:00.004-04:00

...Ashley H. It was revealed on Jimmy Kimmel last night. Surprise! Kidding. Obviously it would be her.

She graduates from U. Penn Dental School in May, and the show premieres May 23. While I'm confused about how one can simultaneously film and star in the Worst Show on Television and graduate with a 3.96 GPA from dental school, I've chosen not to worry about it.

Get ready for 12 episodes of tears. And I predict at least one practice dental exam date.

A Night of Foregone Conclusions

2011-03-14T22:45:00.005-04:00

Ladies and Gent,

Before I tuned in, I made sure I had plenty to drink. I hope you did as well, because wasting two hours of my life waiting for the inevitable was stupid. But awesome, because this is the Best Show on Television (if "best" means "worst," of course).

The finale finds us in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa: land of beauty, of wine, of waves, of wind...and a lovely history of apartheid. Before we get to the final decision, Brad's family arrives: Mom, twin brother Chad and wife Dylan, and younger brother Wes and wife Prima (that's really her name, I swear). Wait, haven't we been here before? Didn't this family arrive to the final episode a few years back? Oh yeah, remember that time Bromack left both women empty handed? Awesome.

As his family arrives, Brad weeps amidst the straightest, back-slapping hugs I've ever witnessed on TV. Did you see those hugs between Brad and his brothers? Good lord, my back hurt just watching! Must be the Texas blood, right? Also, are we concerned that Brad's twin brother Chad (yes, seriously they're Brad and Chad) is cuter than him? Yes, because he is. And then there's the way-less-cute Wes, and things are thrown into perspective very quickly. Poor little brother.

The first chick the family meets is Chantal. They clearly love her: she's bubbly, fun, full of laughs, etc. It goes well. Unfortunately she's put on 15 pounds this season. Nothing like the Bachelor 15. It's like the Freshman 15, but on reality TV.

Next up is Emily. She's shy, demure, blond, and skinnier. Throw in the horrifyingly sad story of her dead husband, and the family clearly likes her more. It's slightly amazing because the family never gives it away this obviously. But this season they do because Brad is new, he's reformed, and he's totally full of original thoughts. Kidding about that last part. Why? Because Brad drops this bomb: "I am one happy dude." Wow. Totally profound.

Next is the last date portion of the evening. First up is Chantal. They swim with Great White Sharks, because that's normal. Chantal's cleavage is also in FULL EFFECT in her wetsuit, and it's insane. Later, Chantal gives Brad a special present and gives him a hand-written note saying "I choose you." Well...unfortunately the reformed Brad is an open book and we think otherwise. (Cue the nervous tick and head-scratching antics.)

Emily's last date is next. They take a helicopter to the windiest place on earth: The Cape of Good Hope. Emily has a bit of a flying skirt issue, and it's cute. She doesn't fully bear the beav, but it's close. They share some windy banter on the Cape, and head back for their final night. In Emily's room, Brad tells Emily that he's ready to be her everything, including Ricki's father. Emily responds saying, "It's not always fun," and she basically tells him that for the next hour. Um, this girl is tough. Brad, sweaty and defeated, heads home scared off and completely bummed. Is ABC throwing us a pump fake? Because I will cut someone.

Next Brad picks out a ring with Neil Lane, who clearly paid millions to have his rings and his brand name placed all over this trashy series. Who is this man?

After Brad picks out the bling, Chantal is the first to arrive to the winery...to be dumped. Thank GOD. I mean, I love me some Chantal. She's cute, she's fun, and her Mom is pure plastic. But Brad was not in love with her, and if ABC edited this mess and fooled us by this ending up with them engaged, I would have blogged the following: "Ladies and Gent, I am done." But luckily, I was forced to write this multi-paragraphed mess.

Emily arrives next, and gets the ring she hoped for. Without getting too into it, Brad's words for Emily were pretty damn amazing, despite the fact we know he couldn't come up with those original words on his own. In typical fashion, Emily lacked the requisite emotion that I would expect of a gorgeous couple getting engaged on a mountainside winery. But they end up engaged, and tonight's foregone conclusion is complete! Thank goodness!

So...82 weeks later, Season 82 is over. Brad 2.0 has a fiancee and we love her.

Best of luck to Brad and Emily. We know it won't work.

And as a reminder, we still hate this show.

Love,

Mike

P.S. Worst "After the Final Rose" ever! I mean, Emily's dye job is better than ever, but there are some issues between these two. OUCH. Um...two weeks until a break up?

The B*tches Tell All

2011-03-07T22:05:00.014-05:00

Ladies and...ladies (let's be honest),

This is some important stuff. The episode of tears, of confession, of makeovers and of what could have been: it's The B*tches Tell All, and the ladies (and Brad) are back! It's also the episode I don't like to blog...but I'm here...watching...drinking...and trying to keep my comments to a minimum. But let me begin with this: I was in Austin, TX last week and I was within blocks of Brad for a hot two days. I think he loved it. What was less than awesome was sharing my thoughts on the show with super cool chick who then confessed she was friends with Brad. Awesome. Foot. Mouth. Delicious.

1) Chris Harrison's hair is spicy.

2) The Bachelor Pad 2 teaser is raunchy and amazing. Is it bad that I didn't recognize half of the people. Jillian's season? Oh wait...was she the Canadian one? No wonder I don't remember. Canada doesn't exist.

3) Raichel vs. Melissa. Again...who? And why does Raichel spell her name that way?

4) Michelle. Oh yes, this episode quickly turned into The Crucifixion of Michelle, and I loved it. Her fake tears were amazing...except they weren't even fake...they never even materialized. But Michelle is a gifted actress and good at simulating sobbing minus the tears. She is also gifted at using her poorly-named daughter as an excuse for everything. This poor child is going to grow up with some major issues. She'll also probably date a Mormon seeing as she lives in Salt Lake. Yikes...even more issues.

5) What is it with Jackie and Stacey being so vocal tonight? Like crazy-town status! These b*tches are really telling all.

6) Ashley H. Looking good as a natural brunette with bangs. She is also clearly in the dental industry as her teeth were luminescent.

7) Brad. Does anyone wonder who is responsible for Brad's stubble maintenance? It must be a full-time job. Should I apply?

8) The Idol Gives Back portion of helping the South African school was amazing...oh wait...this is The Bachelor...not Idol. And it also wasn't amazing.

9) In case you have forgotten that Brad is straight, he reminds us 82 times with multiple uses of "man," "bro," and "buddy." So, if you were wondering, bro, if Brad was, like, into girls man, he's like totally into them, buddy.

10) How much fun is it watching the three guys in the studio audience who are completely humiliated that they're there. Two were dragged by their wives, and the one gay was dragged by his girls. It's amazing.

11) Brad is totally in love with Emily, in case you were wondering. He told me last week in Austin.

Until next week's finale!

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone

2011-02-28T22:12:00.003-05:00

It's the night we've all been waiting for. Not only do we get to travel to South Africa, we get to see whether or not Brad and the three remaining ladies consummate their love. Welcome to "To Bone or Not To Bone," the once sordid (remember the Andrew Firestone days of heavy breathing and moans from behind closed doors? those were the days), now very tame episode in which the Bachelor gets a chance for some coveted alone (boning) time.

The first date is with Chantal, who is unfortunately looking a bit chunky in her jorts. The lovers go on a safari. Brad very eloquently describes a special moment near the beginning by saying, "I'm sitting here looking at the South African bush." Enough said. After their safari, they enjoy some bites and Chantal gets all selfless and says she wants to put Brad first in her life. Honey, just because your mom married a sugar daddy and doesn't retain her own personality (and spends her days and money on plastic surgery) doesn't mean you have to do the same. And I'm pretty sure Brad's not a sugar daddy, so your fate is sealed. Later, at dinner, Brad tells Chantal that he is the most comfortable around her compared to the other girls. Bold step. The Fantasy Date Card is well-received, just as I'm sure his manhood was well-received in the Fantasy Suite (in this case an outdoor treehouse). To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote Bone. Under the moonlight, no less!

Next is the only date Brad really cares about: Emily. She shows up looking hot in her white shorts and cowboy boots and they ride an elephant around the countryside. Yes, you read that correctly. Afterwards, they watch elephants romping and playing in the water and talk about Emily's five-year-old daughter, Ricky. Is Brad sure he's ready for a five-year-old? He thinks so. Then they make out to an overly-underscored montage of music, kissing and elephants. It was a bit too dramatic for me. Later, at dinner, Emily comes prepared to share her feelings. What I love most is how obviously enamored Brad is with her. He's so nervous, he can barely look her in the eyes! It's kind of cute, actually. When presented with the Fantasy Date Card, Emily pulls a pump fake: she plays the part of the concerned mother trying to set a good example for her daughter by saying just that. But she totally accepts the invite and they head to the Fantasy Suite for some alone time. There she confesses that she's falling in love with Brad, and in the surprise of the night, Brad fully tells her he's falling in love with her too. Wait, is Brad winning us over? I mean he's still a brainless buffoon unable to audibly form a profound thought, but is he capable of honesty and love? Which leaves us with this question: To Bone or Not To Bone? In this case, I vote Not To Bone. But there was definitely some under-the-shirt action once the cameras went to bed.

Lastly is the date with Ashley, who is wearing some very short jorts. She's also wearing an inability to express herself or to successfully answer Brad's questions about whether she has room in her life for him; but more on that in a minute. First off, after a minor freak out by Ashley, they fly via helicopter to "God's Window" (some canyon-like vista which is, yes, pretty). Brad, ripe with blue balls after last night's date, starts questioning Ashley's hopes for her future (where she wants to live, etc.). She successfully doesn't mention anything about Austin or Brad, which leads to some confusion on his part. They do have fun, but we quickly realize these kids cannot communicate. Later, at dinner, they jump right back in to deep conversation. (Brad is looking super cute in his plaid shirt, by the way.) Brad and Ashley, at once, possess the most rapport and ability to talk easily and naturally of all the couples. But we quickly realize the words that are so easily shared are also misconstrued. No point gets across and Brad and Ashley's moods quickly head south. Cue the Debbie Downer "wah wah." Later, at the Fantasy Suite, Ashley puts it perfectly: "We're off our game." No kidding. I actually felt bad for them here because you can tell that they both like each other, they want to progress together, but they simply can't get their points across. Brad needs to hear that she has room for him in her life; she wants to tell him just that. But it just didn't happen. As Ashely put it later, their words were "lost in translation." Spot on, sister. To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote a very emphatic Not To Bone. Then again, there could have been a Hate Bone.

So after the dryest To Bone or Not To Bone week in history, Brad is left utterly confused (and probably horny). And the shirtless scene confirmed that he's also left with less of a six-pack than he had at the beginning of the season. Boo. He should probably buy the workout DVD in which I starred. Just saying.

The ladies arrive to the rose ceremony only to have Brad ask to speak to Ashley privately. She knows what's coming, you can just tell. Brad puts it right out there: "I don't know if I fit into your life," to which Ashley doesn't have an answer. If I were her, this is where I would have told him that he does. But it's too late, and Brad says he has to tell her goodbye. In what is perhaps one of the most dignified exits ever, a broken-hearted Ashley says goodbye and drives off in the South African abyss. It's all about timing. Best of luck being a dentist. And sorry you didn't get accepted to medical school.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad asks Chantal and Emily to accept his roses because love is a two-way street. They both accept.

So there you have it. Our final two are:

1) Chantal

2) Emily

This is Emily's proposal to lose; so we'll see in two weeks what happens!

Awards:

1) Frontrunner: Emily

2) Quote: "I'm sitting here looking at the...bush." -Brad

3) Biggest mistake: Chantal packing on the Bachelor 15 since the beginning of the season. This isn't a freshman dorm, honey. It's national TV.

Until next week (I usually don't blog the Bitches Tell All, but we'll see how much wine I have next week),

Mike

Hometown heroes

2011-02-21T23:03:00.006-05:00

First off, how about the redesign of your favorite blog? In honor of Fashion Week, I gave The Bachelor Update a new look...a very on-trend 70s throwback vintage photo background with a clean white design. Good, no? As Heidi says, one week you are in, the next you are out. I have a feeling I'll be in, but let me know.

As your eyes ease into the new look, please allow your cold hearts to ease into four hometown dates--unfortunately possibly the most boring "Meet the Families" episode ever. Where were the gun-toting, threat-wielding dads? And the drunk, inappropriate moms? Sure, we had our share of taut-faced MILFs and families reeking of new money (Chantal's), but there was very little drama. I'll try to create some on my own.

We fly west first. In Seattle, we meet Chantal and her rich family. We quickly learn that Chantal lives four streets away from her family in a nice little house that was clearly financed by her parents because Chantal is an Executive Assistant. She also has two cats (barf) and a "dog" that weighs two pounds and wears a sweater. After hanging at Chantal's pad for a beer, Bromack and Chantal head to her parents' McMansion where we meet her personality-free father (who is wearing an awful purple shirt), and her mother who cannot emote due to too much plastic surgery. We also met her brother, but he didn't get a word on camera the whole date, so who cares. I was really hoping the mom would make a move on Brad, but no go. Was I the only one surprised to see a Texas-style bimbo MILF in Seattle? Are there women like that there? Is it okay to be skinnier than your daughter in the land of Birkenstocks? Overall, the date was a success and it ended with Chantal's dad offering up their blessing without Brad even asking. Hmm...I give this date a B. Good, but not great.

Next we travel WAY east to Madawaska, Maine. Yup, you're right in thinking that you've never heard of it. Apparently it's the Northeastern-most city in the 48 contiguous States. Fun fact! It's also essentially Canadian, so we all know how I feel about that: it's borderline (literally) nonexistent. But what the city lacks in, well, everything, it made up for in the best hometown date of the night. Ashley meets Brad first at the restaurant at which she was a waitress back in the day where they share a plate of poutine, which is a Canadian (what?!) delicacy of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. Awesome. Brad thanks the waitress by saying "si" instead of "oui," but we forgive him because he's stupid and he looks cute in his henley (present in three of four dates tonight). Nice job, stylists. At home, Ashley's family is overzealous but cute, and the date is a hit. Anyone notice the sister's tats? Way to represent, Madawaska! This date gets a solid A.

Next we head back west to Chico, California. Nothing says romance like a mausoleum and crematory, and that's where this date begins. Shawntel, a funeral director, shows Brad the ropes of death, and Brad is none-too-impressed. In fact, he's horrified and his face is a dead giveaway. My favorite part? Brad lying on the prep table where Shawntel would normally embalm the deceased after which Shawntel says about Brad: "If you can come in my funeral home and lay on a prep table...I've never had that before." Really? You mean it's not normal for your dates to accompany you to Death Central while you walk them through the ins and outs of replacing blood with chemicals? I did enjoy seeing the real life "Six Feet Under" though. It was like the show, only hotter and in a miniskirt! After Death 101, we had to Shawntel's house where we meet Mom, Dad, and her two sisters, Destiny and Vanessa. Yes, you read that correctly. The date was okay, but after a morning at the crematory followed by an afternoon during which Brad realized her dad was depending on her to take over the family business and NEVER leave Chico, this wasn't the best date. I'd rate it a C+/B-.

Lastly we head to Charlotte, North Cackalacky where we meet Emily and her daughter Ricky. Is it just me, or does everyone think of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby every time her name is mentioned? Awesome. As expected, Ricky is super shy and silent upon meeting Brad; but Emily has never seemed more comfortable. Brad gives Ricky a kite to warm her up, and eventually he gets the little nugget out of her shell. Later, they head to Emily's (very nice and totally Southern) red brick colonial with plantation shutters to have a simple dinner and a night in. Brad is 100% in love with Emily and he reverts to a 12-year-old by making it completely obvious. He is so hung up on respecting her daughter and the fact that Emily is a mom that he says he is not going to kiss her because Ricky is asleep upstairs. Emily, not one to ever say anything forward or express an opinion, essentially says, "Thanks, but kiss me anyway," and asks for some loving. Brad, the lovestruck goof, doesn't go for it and tries to see himself out. But before he can awkwardly exit, Emily kisses him on the doorstep and it's cute. Overall date: A-. Yes, he totally loves her. And kudos to Emily for taking some initiative.

So after four uneventful hometown dates, we head back to New York to drop one of these bimbos.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Chantal

Which means all the talk of burning bodies, embalming and consoling families through death didn't so much resonate with Brad. So we bid adieu to Shawntel and wish her the best. She was cute, actually. So best of luck to her. Just a piece of advice: don't put your next date on the prep table. I think people only need to be there once in life, and that's after death. Basically we don't ever need to be there alive. Thanks.

Awards:

1) Next Botox spokesperson: Chantal's mom

2) Best hometown date/family visit: Ashley

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

Happy Valentine's Day, Crazy! And goodbye.

2011-02-15T11:24:00.004-05:00

Lovers, friends, and fellow film stars,

Again, I apologize for the delay in posting this all-important review of the Best Show on Television. While you were snuggling with your lovebugs on the most romantic day of the year watching this historic moment in television history, I was flying back from a shoot in LA enjoying a dinner of pretzels and ginger ale while watching amazing movies like the blockbuster "Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. What? You were in a film shoot, you ask? Why yes, I was. No big deal. I'm famous, remember?

Before I get to the recap, I want to let you know that I realized two things this episode: 1) I want to go to Anguilla; and 2) this show is dumb and I'm thinking my time was better spent on Delta Airlines pondering Josh Duhamel's hotness.

This episode, the six remaining ladies join Bromack on the lovely Caribbean island of Anguilla for three one-on-one dates and one group date (from hell). The one-on-one dates will not have roses, however.

The first date goes to the only girl he is truly falling for: Emily. The lovers take a helicopter (official helicopter count is now at 8, I believe) to a private island where Emily reinforces the fact that she is pretty and sweet and lovely, but I still question her ability to have original thoughts and/or opinions. A Southern princess, indeed! While Emily intimidates Brad with her eternal wisdom and deep thoughts, Brad becomes legitimately nervous around her as he confesses his feelings for her. This is the beginning of the "Breaking the Rules" theme of the evening. He then continues to break the rules at dinner where he assures Emily that, although he can't give her a rose on their date, he plans to give her a rose at the rose ceremony. Okay, Brad's therapy is paying off. He's actually honest with the girls this season! He also presses the issue with Emily's daughter saying he'd love to meet her: "It would be huge to me if you'd allow me." Wow, Brad. Beautifully said, as always. But I'll give Emily some credit here. She's no floozy like Michelle, whose daughter has probably met each and every gentleman caller Michelle has ever entertained. Emily is hesitant to introduce her daughter to men, and it's understandable. All in all, the date goes well and Emily is solidifying herself as a genuine contender for Brad's boring heart.

The next date goes to Shawntel N. They enjoy a day on the streets of Anguilla, taking in the sights and sounds of the market, a picnic with some goats (what?!?), and a lovely dinner on the water. Brad is admittedly looking for some clarity on this date to see if they've got a genuine connection. Shawntel comes out with the fact that she's falling in love with him, and things go well. The dinner ends with a concert by Bankie Banks, who Brad aptly describes as "possibly the most famous singer in Anguilla." I literally choked on my coffee at that little gem. As if there is a huge pool of famous singers in Anguilla with which Bankie is competing. Amazing. The date ends with a strip-down and a midnight swim in the ocean where we realize both Brad and Shawntel have gaudy tramp stamps on their backs. Aww, so sweet.

The final one-on-one date is the long-awaited date between Britt and Brad. Wait, who is Britt? Have we met her before? Poor thing. I didn't even know what she did for a living. Apparently she is a food writer...a food writer with a pretty hot bod, if I don't mind saying so myself. I'm convinced she doesn't ingest the food she critiques. She's a spitter, people. But back to the date. Britt and Brad have a lovely day on a yacht, classily named "El Jefe," which is "The Boss" to you gringos. After the lovers do some cliff jumping and swimming in the turquoise waters, they chat on the beach. Britt confesses that she is not good at showing affection, which is great for Brad to hear since he's now an expert at all things relationships. At that point, her fate is essentially sealed. They enjoy a nice dinner on the yacht deck filled with small talk, and Brad cuts right to the chase by breaking more rules: he says he doesn't have a romantic connection with her and doesn't see it going anywhere. Okay, fine. I see that they don't have the connection he's seeking. But Brad has also spent next to zero time with her and I think he's jumping the gun a bit. It's a bit too soon for me, but Brad lets her go and she speeds off in a zodiac, while Brad stays on El Jefe.

The group date begins at 2 a.m. (yes, you read that correctly) when Brad wakes up Ashley, Chantal and Michelle for their Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo sunrise photo shoot, on newsstands today! How's that for a coincidence! As the photo shoot commences a few hours later, the editor calls out the quote of the episode: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" Um...best quote ever. Ashley and Chantal, the two I would have predicted to be the least apt to drop top dive right it. Ashley is cute and playful as she is photographed, and Chantal quickly transforms from self-conscious and body-hating to a sultry seductress as she makes mad passionate love to the sand. But while these girls got crazy with seashells and sand, Michelle chooses Brad as the object of her affection. In typical Crazypants fashion, Michelle gets overly aggressive and does the shoot while straddling Brad and making out with him. I won't humor Michelle with much, but she is simply gross. As are her vein-filled solid volleyball boobs. Is that what a Salt Lake City boob job looks like?

Needless to say, Michelle's seduction of Brad starts the "hell" portion of the date off with a (almost literal) bang. Ashley questions her connection with Brad, Chantal begins crying for five hours, and Brad accuses Michelle of being a "volatile woman." Um, you think? At the end of the date, Brad gives the rose to Ashley, at which point he is greeted with a death stare from Crazy and more tears from Chantal. Talk about awkward!

At the rose ceremony, Brad keeps breaking the rules. He tells Chris Harrison that he has no need for a cocktail party before he hands out the roses since his mind is made up. Could he finally be coming to his senses?? So, off to the rose ceremony we go.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Shawntel

4) Chantal

Which means we say goodbye to Britt and Michelle/Crazy! Brad has a brain after all! Michelle's dismissal is perhaps the most awkward yet. She doesn't say a word to Brad as he escorts her out, and she drives away in complete silence as she lays down on the back seat of the limo and ponders her life and its many mistakes (bad boob job and general craziness included).

Awards:

1) Best quote: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" - SI Editor

2) Fakest ta-tas: Michelle's

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Has anyone else noticed that Brad's six pack may be fading? I'm nervous he's gotten weighed down by Crazy. Luckily she's gone now, so go take a jog, Bromack. And do some upkeep on your core. No one likes you. They only like your rockin' bod.

P.P.S. If you know me, you know that I strongly believe Canada is a mythical place to the North that...well...doesn't exist and is simply too bizarre and cold to comprehend. As an anti-Canadian, I would be remiss not to mention perhaps the best anti-Canadian spoof in recent history (although it has nothing to do with The Bachelor). I would like to thank 30 Rock for furthering my beliefs that Canada equates to craziness. Here's a few snippets from this week's episode.

-"We can't go to the hospital, this is Canada. If she's born here...good God...she'll be Canadian!"

-"In your opinion, what is so bad about being Canadian?" To which Jack and wife respond, "Your milk comes in bags. BAGS! Your pavilion in Epcot doesn't even have a ride!"

-"How far is the border?" "I don't know. When I asked the lady at the desk, she told me in kilometers!"

-"Aren't you in Canada?" "Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby."

Thank you, 30 Rock, for validating the truth-slash-conspiracy that is Canada.

Costa Rican Craziness

2011-02-08T09:24:00.003-05:00

This episode we fly from Sin City to Costa Rica, the idyllic Central American paradise of black sands and black souls (Michelle's) so we can use the backdrop of the jungle to fall more in love with Brad and his tufted blond cowlick. I would say this is also the episode in which we realize that Michelle is legitimately batsh*t Crazy, but that happens every episode and I'm beginning to think that each time she's on screen is another episode of Groundhog's Day. Before I get into the episode, though, does anyone else notice how there is all this footage of the girls driving through Costa Rica en route to the resort in some bus, but then they arrive in a silver Mercedes SUV? Hilarious. ABC, either rent the SUV or don't, but don't pretend like you're not saving money by piling these girls into a busted-ass bus and then switching out cars at the entrance to the resort.

As always, we have three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one date goes to Chantal. Of course the date can't begin without a Michelle freak out during which she confesses that she hopes Chantal gets attacked by apes or monkeys. You know, because that's normal.

The date begins by Brad picking up Chantal in a--surprise!--helicopter. Real original, Brad. On this date, Brad hopes that he and Chantal can get back to their "old ways." Wait, what old ways? From the 20 minutes they've spent together this season so far? I'm confused. Anyways, they fly to the jungle and have a zip line adventure on the world's longest zip line. Not going to lie: I fully want to do this. Just not with a brainless loser like Brad. Afterwards the lovers share a romantic nighttime picnic by the river. Until the rain starts two minutes later and they relocate to Brad's hotel room. What? Is this a little soon? Is it also a little soon that Chantal changes out of her wet clothes and puts on Brad's white dress shirt? Maybe. But Brad loves it and he's totally turned on. Needless to say, they make out. Brad asks Chantal not to play games (after her emotions last episode) and they fall for each other. I actually think Brad likes her because he eventually says, "This could happen every night." I'm sure he's less focused on the kissing and more focused on the lead-up to the inevitable bone, but it's cute regardless. Chantal gets a rose.

The group date finds Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt rappelling down a waterfall. Of course, Michelle pitches a fit because she's pissed that Brad clearly isn't holding up his end of their "pact" not to rappel without each other again. Oh boo hoo, Michelle. Go take a Xanax and relax, you freak show. The girls rappel down one by one, leaving Michelle for last. Before they make the leap, Michelle takes the opportunity to hit Brad a few times and to make it very evident she's pissed. Brad, wasting no time, pretends like he saved Michelle for last so that he wouldn't reneg on their pact. Meanwhile, Michelle is "100% confident" she'll get the rose. Oh really, Mary?

Later that evening, the group date continues back at the resort in the hot springs hot tub. Surprise! (I hope everyone noticed that Part 2 of every date in this episode was back at the resort. Apparently the Costa Rican jungle doesn't have much to offer in terms of nighttime date venues.) Staying completely in character, Michelle classes it up by saying that "Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and *#%k him." Wow. Classy, Michelle. You are pure class. Emily then confides in Brad that she finds that liking him is scary and that she's worried she'll sabotage their developing love like she has in relationships past. Brad gets a little nervous about that. But then Michelle/Cray Cray arrives to tell Brad that she's pissed that Chantal got a rose on their date, to which Brad responds that she is pissed at him for "nothing." Um, yes, that is what Crazy people do. They cause needless drama simply for drama's sake. At the end of the date, Brad decides not to hand out a rose because he is not confident. Cue Michelle Freak Out Part 82.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one with Alli. The date, titled "Meet Me at the Altar," leaves us guessing as to what that implies. Brad arrives on horseback and Alli and Brad saunter off to a cave, through which they meander their way to the "altar" which is this naturally-formed stairway/waterfall thing. Alli had a couple freak outs because of her crippling fear of bugs (and bats), but Brad comforts her and they relax on the altar. Later that night (back at the resort, duh), they share an awkward small-talk-filled dinner on some sort of sinking island in the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I must admit, I had high hopes for Alli. She seems normal, cute, and fun; but her personality didn't shine through and they had zero chemistry beyond that of a friendship. So Brad ultimately decides not to give her a rose and she leaves in tears. Kudos to Brad for calling it like it is, though.

After the date, Brad heads home and admits he's is emotionally spent. He needs time to clear his head and relax. But wait! Crazy arrives to his hotel room shortly thereafter and accosts him about his decisions. Red flag (number 82) much? Michelle talks to Brad on his couch and essentially offers up her opinions on everything: Chantal is not for you; I am pissed at you; this is your decision, but here's my opinion; the girls will go home in the following order...and so on. I love how Michelle repeatedly says, "It's up to you," but then immediately launches into her diatribe on what should happen. "But yeah, Brad, it's totally up to you. This is what I think should happen and here's my opinion. But it's totally up to you. But I think you should do this. And everyone sucks but me. But it's your decision." Awesome Michelle. You're totally not Crazy, I promise. At the end of this attack, I actually think Brad is realizing that there is a hint of Crazy behind her (not so) pretty face. But I'm still concerned that he's under her spell in some way.

At the rose ceremony, Brad arrives looking emotionally exhausted. Nice girls like Emily open up more to Brad. Emily tells Brad she's feeling vulnerable, but apologizes for telling him of her knack of sabotaging relationships. Brad and Emily clearly have chemistry, and he's relieved to hear that she won't ruin what they have. Shawntel relaxes him by playing the silent game (what?) and ultimately making out with him. Chantal confesses that she's falling in love with him (again, WHAT?!?!). Isn't this a bit too soon, Chantal? After like one date? But Brad oddly loves it and it makes him feel better. I guess she has nothing to gain by her confession since she already has a rose, but still. And then, Cray Cray arrives. Brad comes out by saying that she is scaring him with her antics of causing drama and telling him what to do. Michelle, a skilled Crazy Person, quickly turns the tables and twists the truth by saying that Brad asked her for her opinions. Um, no, he didn't. And we all hate you.

Roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Ashley

3) Emily

4) Britt (Surprise of the night! This girl has gotten NO face time yet.)

5) Shawntel

6) Michelle (Cue the collective barf in the toilet.)

Goodbye to: Alli and Jackie.

Tonight's awards:

1) Villain/Crazy/Liar/We Hate You: Michelle

2) Quote (tie): A) "I don't know if I'm crazy." - Michelle. Um, yes you do. B) "I obviously didn't grow up in a jungle." - Emily. North Carolina doesn't count?

3) Frontrunner: Chantal, with Emily trailing just behind. Or vice versa.

Until next week,

Mike

Cirque de So Gay

2011-01-31T20:55:00.011-05:00

Lovers and friends,

Since I last posted, New York has seen a dreaded 18+ MORE inches of snow, and another solid week of boot-wearing. (My duck boots look fantastic, by the way.) While we brace for the next winter storm coming tonight through Wednesday (which NBC's Ann Curry histrionically dubbed perhaps "the biggest winter storm in history"), I took it upon myself to enjoy half-off bottles of wine prior to this evening's viewing in order to mute the impending drama of The Best Show on Television. Thank god for the sensory-deprivation brought on by alcohol.

So we're done with the luxury of LA and we're flying east to the sin of Vegas as tonight's episode marks the end of the glamorous life in the hills of Hollywood and we slowly but surely move to the sin of the desert and beyond. While I will never understand the lure to and love of Vegas, we find ourselves here once again, for the 82nd season in a row. Why these trannies freak out about this plastic manufactured non-city is beyond me, but they do. Maybe it has something to do with Brad's plastic and manufactured non-personality. Or the fact that they're all strippers in the making, but I digress...

The 11 remaining ladies arrive to the Aria Las Vegas to begin a week of a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date in which one is guaranteed a flight home. The lovers are greeted by Brad and escorted to their lovely corner suite overlooking the desert and urban sprawl that is America's Worst City, and they greet it with expected gasps and glee. I barf, take another sip of wine, and brace myself for the night ahead.

The one-on-one date goes to Shawntel, the resident Funeral Director, because every group of women needs to have one funeral director, right? The date begins with every woman's dream: an all expenses-paid shopping spree in one of the country's biggest malls. Granted, I would die of horror because I hate malls, but Shawntel and Brad eat it up and spend ABC's hard-earned money at Prada, Fendi, Bally, et cetera. [Sidenote: has anyone else noticed Brad's un-tame-able cowlick? It's hilarious. He's like Dennis the Menace with biceps and nothing of worth to say.] Needless to say, Shawntel ends her afternoon with a hell of a lot more loot than she started with, and it's on to the evening portion of the date (after pissing all the girls off by bragging about her newfound fashion, of course). Part two takes place on a rooftop overlooking Vegas where Shawntel tells Bromack all about her "passion" that is funeral directing and embalming cadavers. You know, normal first date talk. Even through the ins and outs of the "vein drain" and other morbid stats, Shawntel walks away with a rose. Do they have a connection, or is Brad just scared she'll embalm him? Not sure.

Date two is the group date, which takes place at the racetrack. Great. Good thinking, Brad. Make sure the only date that has to do with NASCAR is the date on which you bring the chick (Emily) whose dead husband is a former NASCAR racer who died en route to a race. Awesome. Oh...what's that? You didn't think about that before you planned the date? Well, we're not surprised, since you don't actually have a brain. But if you did (you know, for the next time, after you fail to propose AGAIN), try not to make the same mistake twice. So Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle join Brad for some race-car-driving action. Brad quickly notices that Emily is uncomfortable, at which point Emily tells Brad about her dead husband's NASCAR past. Ooops. Awkward. Let's be honest: Brad's reaction to this is classic and awesome. By that I mean that he is totally weird and unemotional. Super.

Later, we end the group date in bathing suits (because all group dates need to end near some sort of pool), or as this portion of the date should be titled: The Brad Gun Show. Holy sh*t, did everyone notice the gratuitous shots in each and every scene of Brad's humongo arms? Crazy. Anyways, Alli freaks out because Emily has had too much one-on-one time and she's pissed that she lacks a sob story and a dead husband. Chantal cries to Brad too. Michelle whisks Brad away in her usual slut-meets-freakshow manner, and they make out in a poolside cabana. But at the end of the night, Emily gets the rose because her story is the saddest. So there.

The last date is the two-on-one between Ashley S. and Ashley H. Oh, the drama. Two best friends forced to compete head-to-head over Bromack. They quickly go backstage to one of Vegas's "biggest shows," Cirque de Soleil, Elvis style! They jump right in to rehearsals, during which Ashley H. is the clear performer. We soon learn that Brad and only one of the two Ashleys will be performing in the actual show, suspended in the air to Elvis's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" (why yes, why do you ask?). The awkward crotch-hugging situation with Brad's harness was awesome, by the way. Who will he choose to perform with?

We quickly cut to dinner where Brad makes his choice. Ashley you're great. And you, Ashley? You're great too. But, I choose you: Ashley H. In his words, "Ashley S., I think you will make an extraordinary wife. I don't think you'll make an extraordinary wife for me." Way harsh, Ty. And the rose goes to Ashley H. I would have preferred way more drama here, but whatever. Couldn't they have fought over Brad a little more and dismantled a friendship by doing so? Ugh...and then we had to see Ashley S's fake tears as she cried her way off the show. Couldn't they have at least given her fake tears so we believed she was sad? And then Brad goes back to Ashley H. to kiss her. And horribly perform in Cirque de Soleil. Did everyone see Brad's eye makeup? I literally died. He was like one mascara stroke away from a gay glowstick-wielding club kid (especially with those Army fatigues!). We're talking Cirque de So Gay. And kudos to the directors for scoring Brad and Ashley H's performance to "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" to Ashley S's car ride home. AWESOME!

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad has his weekly consult with his therapist. Is this going to be a new segment in every season, or is this just because Brad has a bad track record and lacks a thought process? Brad soon arrives to the lady-suite, where Chantal is the first to accost him. Brad said, "You have to stop giving me so much crap." It was awesome. Then Brad made Alli "feel special" by serving her champagne and dessert. It was actually sweet, although he did that because she called him out on it on the group date. So...eh...not sure.

Then Cray-Cray Michelle takes him to the bedroom (in her zebra-print mini-dress and far too much makeup) and tells him not to speak, while she tells him how she's "different" from all the other girls, and it's "time to send some girls home." Yup, she's completely crazy. And Brad is scared.

And the roses go to:

1) Shawntel

2) Emily

3) Ashley H.

4) Michelle

5) Alli

6) Britt

7) Jackie

8) Chantal

Byeee: Ashley S., Marissa, Lisa (excuse me, who are you?)

Awards:

1) W.T.: Michelle

2) Frontrunner: Emily

3) Best harness moment: Brad's business in his suspension harness at Cirque.

Until next week,

Mike

From Sundance to Slumdance

2011-01-24T19:53:00.017-05:00

Having landed just hours ago from Sundance, I was very excited to transition from the nation's hottest film festival, ripe with rising stars and stunning cinema, to the nation's most horrible show, ripe with blank stares and stunning idiocy. Yes, just as the flight was a bit turbulent, the transition from film to failure has been a bit bumpy. Oh, Bromack, thanks for reminding me that you are NOT an actor and I am back in reality. Just yesterday I was rubbing elbows and sipping wine with Patrick Wilson and Adrien Grenier...today I guzzle wine sans celebs and jet-laggedly fast-forward through painful TV. While being famous is...well...famous, coming back to reality is sobering indeed. Even when you're drunk on wine. Talk about going from Sundance to Slumdance. Here goes...

Tonight, we join Brainless Bromack on three dates. But first, Michelle wakes up with an inexplicable black eye. Has her ego clocked her across the face? Did the girls gang up on her in her sleep and beat her into a pulp? Who cares. All I know is I am loving the fact that she's got a shiner. What's better? She says, "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." Yup, she's crazy.

The first date is a one-on-one with Chantal O. The lovebirds are whisked away via helicopter to a cloudy Catalina Island. Chantal freaks about getting in the water, but she takes the plunge (literally) for Brad. They look like aliens in their sea-bed-walking gear, but they hang out underwater and even butt their heads to fake kiss. Horrible. They finish up with drinks, dinner and kissing on the beach. Brad is falling for her and he feels like he can be himself with Chantal. Awww...now Chantal and every other girl has heard the same thing. So sweet.

Meanwhile, back at the manse: Michelle has her hourly freak out and cry session. We don't care.

Back to Bromack and Chantal. They kiss more...it seems fine...whatever. She gets a rose. Is this season boring as hell?

The second date is the group clustermess. Nine girls and Brad go to the radio taping of "Loveline" with Mike and Dr. Drew (who is Mike?!?). It gets super deep when they all open up and share themselves with the American listening public. By "super deep," I mean surface-level and cliched. Who else noticed Dr. Drew's face the whole time? He's totally humiliated that he's on this trainwreck of a show. I mean, he's also on MTV's "16 and Pregnant," so I guess he didn't stoop too low for Bromack. But still. At least those knocked up hussies actually need therapy. Brad just needs a personality.

Next the girls and Brad head to--you guessed it!--a hot tub after party. The girls take Dr. Drew's advice by showing initiative. Maybe a little too much, as, one by one, they basically elbow their way in front of Brad for some private time. People are cut off, interrupted, and cried to. Messy. The only well-spent time was with Britt, who I think is super cute. Ashley H. freaks out and is stupid. And at the end, Britt gets the rose.

Next up is the long-time-coming and equally dreaded one-on-one with Shiner McGee/Crazy/Michelle. Of course, the lead-up to the date is a classic study in selfish and annoying behavior. Michelle is upset that her date card says something like "Let's hang out," and doesn't include the word "love." Okay over-thinker, step away from the ledge. Even better, Brad arrives to pick Michelle up, but first (thank god!), he asks to see Ashley H. so he can talk her off her own little ledge. Fine. What's better? Michelle, being the selfish brat she is, freaks out and bitches to the girls by saying that Ashley is "stealing" her time with Brad. Chantal puts her in her place by saying she did the same thing on the first group date when she was a baby and didn't film her scene because she was jealous of all the other girls kissing Brad. At this point, I don't just think she's annoying; I genuinely and actively dislike her. I also LOVE Chantal for putting this choo-choo in her place. But before the date begins, let me call out the massive amount of coverup that must have been applied to her messy eye to cover up what we all know is there.

Next, Selfish Shiner yanks Brad away and they drive to Brad's house for their date. A helicopter shows up and takes them to the top of a building so they can rappel off the side. But of course Michelle is afraid of heights and freaks out and cries like a baby. But Brad, with his winning personality and endless support (good god, I hope you sense sarcasm), helps her over the ledge, at which point she starts referring to Brad as "babe." Um, do you even know him? Slow down, Crazy. You've got a whole building to rappel down...and then probably five more hours with which you can further ruin the date. Don't "babe" him this early. But of course they kiss as they descend because why not? Who else thinks she's not even afraid of heights? She's just horrible, not height-afraid.

After the descent, they jump into the pool with their clothes on and make out. Bromack's tat makes another cameo and we remember his trashy roots...in case we had actually forgotten them. What we didn't forget is that Brad has no brain and no original thoughts. He reminds us of that every five minutes. Later, Crazy shares dinner with Brad. They talk about her daughter and Brad wants to meet her. I think it's weird because they've hung out for an hour. But that's just me being a good future dad. (Sidenote: the daughter's name is Brielle? Really, Michelle? Why not just Brie? That's a gorgeous name, and I happen to know and adore a pretty kick-a$$ baby Brie. The "elle" just announces a questionable past and an inability to make good decisions.) Then Michelle tells Brad that she doesn't see him with any of the other girls. Okay, I officially detest her. Can't she at least pretend she's nice? Nope...because she throws herself back on him in the hot tub. She gets a rose because Bromack knows she's a guarantee in the sack. America lets out a collective sigh.

At the rose ceremony, everyone is on edge. Who will be let free to be able to find a husband actually worth having? Not sure. First, we have some drama to get through. The therapist shows up first so Brad can hear things like this: "So you're more present...the good news is you know how to be aware of you." Like, aware of nothing? Is that the awareness he's referring to? Moving on...

Some chicks spend some time with Brad before the ceremony, but Brad makes significant efforts to have a little private picnic with Emily. So yeah, he likes her. And yeah, everyone freaks out. So outside Brad and Emily reestablish their connection and recreate their vineyard date (minus the fear-inducing plane ride that brings up memories of dead husbands, because that would just be mean).

Later, Chantal interrupts Brad after a minor teary freak-out. Brad reassures her and tells her that "she is everything that (he) (has) not been with in the past." Um...wait...did Brad just say something smart? Or did he just use syntax to fool us into believing he just made a point. I think the latter.

So the roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Britt

3) Michelle

4) Ashley S.

5) Alli

6) Emily

7) Shawntel

8) Lisa

9) Jackie

10) Marissa

11) Ashley H.

Byeee to: Meghan, Lindsay, Stacey. Graceful exits, too.

Tonight's awards...

1) Quote: "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." -Michelle.

2) Fugliest: all the girls in the morning. Sweeties, you're on national TV. Powder your face and take off the glasses. You have a boring husband (and me) to impress!

3) Crazy: Michelle

4) Frontrunner: Emily. Kinda nervous their life together would be filled with awkward silence, though.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. If you all don't start commenting soon, I don't know if I can go on. People, I don't do this for myself. Speak up!

P.P.S. Next week looks ridiculous.

Daddy Issues

2011-01-17T21:34:00.006-05:00

So a bottle of wine down (and five days away from my first Sundance appearance), I turn on the Best Program in Television. There are three dates tonight and only so much dignity I have left after watching this mess for 82 seasons...so...yeah...let's get started.

The first date is a one-on-one with Ashley S. (Ms. First Impression Rose), the 24 year-old NYC nanny. She and Bromack head to Capitol Records in Hollywood to sing perhaps the worst rendition of Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" ever heard by our collective ears. What we don't know before our ears burn off in misery is that this is Ashley's song with her dad (her dead dad). Daddy issues, people. Clearly I mute the television in horror as they murder their way through the song. I also mute it as Bromack tells Ashley that "she makes (him) feel relaxed that (he) can be (him)self with her." Yup, you said the same thing to three girls last week. Then...surprise!...Seal makes a cameo to show them how you actually sing the song "Kiss From a Rose." Why is his face so messed up, you ask? Heidi Klum's beauty melted it off. Clearly. Then Bromack tells Ashley again that, "This is the first date I can truly be myself," because he's never said that before...except for 20 minutes ago. Clearly he kisses Ashley and gives her a rose. Especially after she talks about her dead dad.

The next date is a busy mess of filming action movies with far too many neon-clad activewear-donning bimbos. Michelle and all her crazy is sure to attend this date, as is Shawntel and her acting and kissing prowess. Brad sets up the date by stating this gem: "I love to get dirty, and I want a wife that does the same thing." Don't we all? I mean, in my case I don't like being dirty and I don't want a wife, but you get the idea, no? After they film their action flick, the crew heads to a--wait for it--rooftop pool party. Dead Dad Story #2 soon comes out as Chantal shares her sob story with Brad. Is he putting it together than everyone has lost someone, or is he too busy thinking of the next bland thing to say? Methinks the latter. I also think that Brad's boobs are bigger than most of the girls' boobs this season. Is this an issue? Well, we don't have time to think about it, because Michelle and her crazy show up to the party and she interrupts his one-on-one time with Alli (whose boobs may actually outsize Brad's). In addition, I would like to point out Brad's classy cross tattoo. Real religious, that one. Shawntel gets the rose.

The last date is the much anticipated one-on-one with Emily, a.k.a. the "Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa." The date is all about breaking down Emily's walls. She gets her big chance to tell Bromack about her dead husband and (alive) daughter. But first they have to take a dreaded flight to wine country. For the first half of the date, Brad pushes Emily to open up and she doesn't take the bait. Then, magically, the sun sets and she comes clean at dinner. Bromack has not only broken down her walls, he's broken down his own. Is he actually falling for her? Are his own messy walls crumbling? He gives Emily a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Brad meets with his therapist (what?!?!) while wearing his 82nd henley of the night. Kudos to the styling team for staying on trend and ensuring we can see Brad's guns in all his slutty tops. The therapist tells Brad that he's allowing women in. Yay for Brad. Unfortunately he has yet to let a personality in and he's a net zero. Baby steps...

At the rose ceremony, Michelle stays in character and is mad that he talks to anyone but her. Um, you're on the Best Program on Television, The Bachelor. The Bachelor is going to talk to all the women because it's a trashy dating show and he needs to make "informed" decisions about who he's not going to propose to. So stop being Crazy. Playing her role, though, she interrupts another conversation of Brad's to instigate their first "fight." Underscored by crazy carnival music, Michelle asks him to explain himself for kissing other girls. Oddly, he stills likes her and seems utterly fooled by her antics, while the rest of America is dying. Luckily we can chalk this up to Brad's idiocy. So we're good.

Madison, the fang-wearing actress, quickly sheds her fangs while talking to Brad and says she's thinking of leaving. We also get to see her side-boob in this conversation, which is going to do her no favors in her acting/modeling career. Next on the threatening-to-leave team is Ashley H. But Bromack tries to reassure her...by giving her a sloppy kiss.

And the winners are:

1) Ashley S.

2) Shawntel

3) Emily

4) Michelle

5) Chantal

6) Goes to...um...wait...Madison then excuses herself in a moment of drama saying she would rather go home than take a rose from someone more deserving. Awesome. As an actress, we hope she gets the attention she's after and lands some other reality show contract to further her D-level career. Best of luck.

6) Lisa. Who are you, again?

7) Jackie

8) Ashley H.

9) Marissa

10) Britt

11) Alli

12) Lindsey

13) Meghan. Who?

14) Stacey

Byeeeeeeee: Madison, Kimberly, Sarah.

Awards:

1) Quote. "I want to be in Tahiti practicing making babies with Brad" (or something similar). Michelle.

2) Worst costume: Madison's fangs.

3) Crazy: Michelle.

4) Frontrunner: Emily.

5) Best mascara tears yet: Sarah's!!! YES!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. I hope to land from Sundance in time for a very timely blog, but it depends on who discovers me. Or if I'm on a date with Jake Gyllenhaal.

P.P.S. In honor of MLK Day, I would like to point out (with the help of others) that there are no black contestants. Um...do I need to say I have a dream?

And the drama begins

2011-01-10T20:50:00.010-05:00

Pour the wine. Dim the lights. Pop a sedative. And dig in. The worst show on TV is back, and the worst bachelor ever has returned. We're all choosing this mess over the BCS National Championship game (Go Ducks!), and we're torn. It's going to be all about self-medication this season, people, and I really don't know how we'll survive. But I'm hopeful that we'll come out of this alive, and better than ever. Okay, that was a lie. I really just hope we come out of this alive and only slightly hungover. We're looking at roughly 20 to 30 hours of wasted time here. To me, that's 20 to 30 bottles of wine. But I'm committed. In the weakest sense of the word, yes, but committed all the same.

So let's get to it. The first date with Bromack goes to Ashley H., the dentist. She wears a dress that makes her look like a cake topper, but we'll forgive her for a minute. Brad picks Ashley up in a hot convertible that he could never afford and whisks her away to...wait for it...a dark dirt road. Totally romantic, right? Especially when their navigating the dark dirt road in formal wear and heels (on her, not Brad). But then they flip a light switch, and on turns the carnival. They ride rides, take photo booth shots, share a rather intense first kiss, and then share an even more intense first convo. Turns out they both have distant dads (hers is homeless, his is just gone--she wins) and his walls come crashing down. Granted, the torn down walls reveal a guy just as boring as before, but at least he was honest. He's falling for her. He even says he can "just be me." Forget about the fact that "me" is boring and weird, but at least he's himself? Needless to say, Ashley gets a rose.

Date number two is a clusterf@*$. I mean 15 girls on one date? Really? First, the 15 ladies "give back" by filming Red Cross awareness commercials with Brad. Give blood, people. The commercials and acting are horrible, and as expected, the fangs come out (literally at one point). Melissa interrupts a scene she's not in by entering the set and kissing Brad, Michelle storms off the set because it's her birthday and she's not getting what she wants, and Britt takes her kissing scene to the next level. Is anyone else actually believing that she's 30? As a wise 31-year-old myself, I ain't falling for this mess. Girlfriend looks a good 38. Just sayin'. After the filming, the small army heads to an after party on a rooftop where Melissa gets her much-wanted one-on-one time after which she is confronted for being crazy by Rachel. Melissa is quickly shaping up to be this season's crazy, or Cray Cray for short. Michelle the bitchy birthday girl gets the rose because Brad feels bad, and that is that.

Date three is a one-on-one with Jackie. Combined, neither seem to have much to offer, let's be honest. It's like the couple you invite to all your parties because they're pretty and it's good to have pretty friends, but they add nothing to the situation and you always seat them at one end of the table so they don't drag everyone down. Right? Glad we're on the same page. (Sidenote: all my friends are hot, obvi, but I'm just trying to make a point.) Back to the date. It's romantic, they get pampered, she gets dresses and jewelry, and even gets her name on the Hollywood Bowl sign. Famous (like me). At the Bowl, they share a romantic dinner on stage. Are they clicking? Is this fun? We're not sure. And then Brad is completely dumbfounded by the fact that she's barely dated. He's like uber-concerned about the fact that this may be too much of a risk for him and he's inventing problems for himself. Um, projecting much? Remember three years ago when you left two idiots at the alter? But he gives her a rose anyway because he wants to give this a "shot." It's like he's just prolonging the break up. But whatever. Then Train shows up and plays their overplayed song. They dance. They kiss (to the song "Marry Me" no less!!!! Premature, no?). And it's over.

Back at the rose ceremony, Bromack arrives and is immediately assaulted (or taken away, depending on the eyes of the viewer) by Michelle. Her first question for him? "Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?" Important stuff, people. Groundbreaking, in fact. Is Michelle Cray Cray, or is Melissa? Well...it might still be Melissa. Because she confronts Rachel again. Pretty sure about nothing and I can't really figure out what Melissa's motives are. Regardless, Rachel gets bent out of shape, Melissa spins it that Rachel's actually crazy, and we have confirmation. Melissa is Cray Cray #1. The b*tches both go to Ashley S. to vent, to which Ashley responds (smartly), "Worry about yourself." Thank you. Could not have said it better myself.

Don't worry Bachelorites, the drama continues. Melissa then sits down with a wide-eyed Bromack to win him over to her side. He responds with "Oh my god, you're crying." What he really means is, "OMG you're Cray Cray and it's been two days." Melissa continues with the fact she feels targeted by Rachel. And next she says she's had four slices of pizza with onions. Because that's important. Like really important, and totally pertinent to the situation she's created in her crazy mind. Just as important as the bottle of wine I just HOUSED because this show is so horrible. But it gets better because Rachel cries to Brad next. Oh poor brainless Brad.

Luckily Chris interrupts the situation with a feisty little twist. Who is here for the right reasons? Ali and Roberto show up to help us out with this, with what I'm sure is their last public appearance before their break-up that has already happened. They grill each of the girls one by one. The looks on their faces are priceless. Like, was this really in our contract? We don't even love each other and now we have to listen to Melissa cry one minute after meeting us? They don't even know who Rachel is, and yet they have to listen to this mess? Poor kids. A couple comments: 1) Roberto wasn't sweating; and 2) Ali looks older. Right? Roberto has relaxed and Ali has aged. Typical.

After Ali and Roberto's chats and their download to Bromack, he gives a rose to Emily.

Roses go to

1) Ashley H.

2) Michelle

3) Jackie

4) Emily

5) Chantal O.

6) Sara

7) Alli

8) Kimberly

9) Shawntel N.

10) Stacey

11) Ashley S.

12) Madison

13) Lisa

14) Marissa

15) Meghan

16) Lindsey

17) Britt

So both Melissa and Rachel go home...a first-ever surprise dismissal of the crazy one!

Tonight's awards...

1) Frontrunner: Ashley H.

2) Villain: Michelle

3) Crazy (Cray Cray): Melissa. Good riddance.

4) Least attractive crop of girls in this show's history: Bingo...this season's.

5) Worst dressed: The Oregon football team. Who are they kidding with neon green/yellow socks and shoelaces and wing decals on their jerseys?

Until next week,

Mike

Return of the (Bro)Mack

2011-01-04T08:00:00.006-05:00

I know, I said I was on vacation (and I am), but I caught the last 45 minutes of this certifiable trainwreck last night, after a bottle of wine and a delicious dinner on the beach. First off , ABC has officially lost its collective marbles in re-casting Brad Womack—hereafter known as Bromack—after two of its most successful iterations of the show in recent history (Jake and Ali). I mean, does this guy even have a job? Let alone a personality?!? Besides standing up two women on national television during his first stint as the Bachelor, Bromack is the quintessential spineless Yes Man. He has no personality, is entirely disingenuous, and adds nothing to any situation besides some nicely coiffed stubble. I mean, talking to Bromack is like talking to a brick wall with a beard. Sure the guy is good looking, but aren’t we all?

I won’t get in to the run-down of each and every of the 30 (30?!?) hoes desperately vying for a chance at spending their lives with a personality-free brick wall, but I will share some highlights I saw.

What’s with the girl who repeatedly got interrupted during her time with Brad? The blonde one from Illinois wearing The. Most. Heinous. dress in recent memory? Um…yeah, that’s why you got screwed, woman. Seriously. Royal blue floor-length satin with a faux-diamond-encrusted choker neck? Who are we kidding with that? This isn't prom circa 1994.

Madison has legitimate fangs? I just can’t. Is she serious with that mess? Sure, Bromack has abs, but this isn’t Twilight, and he isn’t Taylor Lautner. (Doesn't Twilight have something to do with vampires? Clearly I haven't seen it.)

Jackie is an embarrassment to us all when she sings to Bromack an improvised song with her horrible voice.

Ashley S. is cute, and thus wins the First Impression Rose. But as devil’s advocate, did anyone else think everything she said was rehearsed and entirely gaming him? I mean, who really just wants to be his friend and confidant throughout all this. Not me. (I also secretly love that she’s this down-home Southern chick who is a nanny in the City. Those poor city kids are going to grown up with a twang and they’ll never be accepted in East Hampton.)

So with that, Bromack chooses his 20 lady friends to whom he will offer no substance this season.

1) Ashley S.

2) Michelle the mom and “woman”

3) Kimberly

4) Madison the fang-wielding monster

5) Emily

6) Rachel

7) Kelty (sp?)

8) Ashley H.

9) Megan

10) Lisa M.

11) Lindsey

12) Allie

13) Sarah P.

14) Marissa

15) Brit

16) Stacy

17) Shauntelle M.

18) Jackie

19) Melissa

20) Shauntelle O. Because why wouldn’t there be two Shauntelles?

Awards:

1) Worst dress: The heinous blue number with the diamond neckline. Yowza. She got a bargain at Filene’s on that one.

2) Personality-free: Bromack

3) This season’s Villain: Michelle

One last note: looks like the travel budget is back up, people. Goodbye recession, hello Anguilla, Costa Rica, and South Africa! At least they’re spending money on something, ‘cause good lord we know Bromack came cheap!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Follow me on Twitter @mhondorp

Beach > Bachelor

2011-01-03T20:56:00.005-05:00

Lovers and friends,

I'm ringing in the new year with a tan. What does that mean? It means I'm not holed up watching what's his name re-disaster-ify our lives by not choosing a wife. Rather, I'm enjoying a glass of wine (or 12) in Florida on the beach. Brad Womack (and his b*tches) can wait a week for me to rip him a new one. How old is he, anyway?

So here's to a great new year, a nice tan, and being famous.

Love you all.

Until next week,

Mike

The Finale

2010-08-02T22:02:00.006-04:00

To wed, or not to wed? That is the question.

Tonight is the night; it's down to the final two. Will it be Roberto or Chris? Roberto is the first to meet Ali's family in the hut on the ocean in Bora Bora. Predictably sweaty, Roberto charms the fam with his Latino ways and his dimples for days. There is nothing too special about the date. Her family likes him, his dad blesses their potential marriage and they salsa dance as a family. Because that's what you do what a Latino is potentially joining the family. No need for generalizations or anything. The only unfortunate moment of the evening is when her mother says, "Yo creo que tu corazon es puro." I think your heart is pure. Ewww...awkward.

Next up is Massachusetts native Chris. Clearly the family loves him and his Mass accent and all the crazy similarities like Canadian dads, moms who were nurses and teacher pasts. I'm a little worried that he's more in to her than she is in to him, but Dad blesses their potential marriage regardless. And then they all swim together...Dad's hairy back and all. It's clear that Chris is more genuine and we all love him.

For the last-ditch date, Roberto and Ali do it up. Sea Doos, stingrays and make outs in the rain--the date was perfect. Later at night, Ali arrives at Roberto's hut. Roberto, looking particularly stunning in his Bonobos khakis (that I sent to the producer in March, thankyouverymuch), greets Ali with kisses hugs and inevitable romance. He also gives her a cute picture frame with some romantic Spanglish on the back. She loves him, but oddly doesn't say it. He does, though.

The next day is Chris's last chance. I'm not going to lie, I'm secretly gunning for Chris. He's just perfect and so cute and in love with her. Unfortunately, Ali arrives looking and feeling out of sorts. Ever the open book, she doesn't even kiss him upon entering his hut, and she starts chatting with him and confessing her confusion and feelings like he's some random girlfriend. Cutting right to the chase (which makes me respect her, even though she's breaking my heart), Ali tells Chris that she's fallen in love with Roberto and doesn't want to put him through another date and the stress of a rose ceremony when she's not going to pick him. Sad...but so upstanding of Ali. Chris is crushed, but stays strong and sweet, and only sheds a tear after she leaves. To make emotions worse, a full rainbow appears on the horizon as he contemplates his loss...and he says it's a sign from his mom that everything is alright. I totally cried. Luckily I know where he lives on the Cape and I'll bring him a growler of Cape Cod beer and a hot chick to help him get over it. Any takers?

So...on the day of the rose ceremony, Roberto picks out a ring. He also says he'll only propose if it's right for him. Last minute cold feet? Is his perfection wearing off?

As Roberto approaches via boat, Ali stands atop a mountain in her expected shade of dress awaiting her prince. He heads up and arrives, messed up collar and all. The lovers embrace, and he's a nervous mess. Roberto launches into a full on speech...avoiding eye contact...and she tells him he's the only one there that day. A sweaty, sweaty Roberto then gets on one knee and proposes.

It's just not very romantic. But we wish them the best of luck. God knows they'll need it.

And then...as if this show couldn't get cheesier, the play-out music is from the effing Lion King. I mean...

Please, Baby Jesus, don't let him turn crazy like Jake.

Until never,

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone: Version 82

2010-07-20T09:59:00.008-04:00

I'm back, freshly-tanned, and better than ever after taking a week off from the blog. Sorry kids, had some work to do in the Hamptons...

Last night's episode was the famed To Bone or Not To Bone episode, in which Ali and the guys have to decide whether or not to sleep together. It's always one of my favorites, and this episode didn't let us down. I mean, it had major potential to leave us high and dry what with all the promo and promised drama from Frank (aka Crazy Pants). But ABC's repeated commercials and teasers didn't really let us down all that much. Frank is, in fact, the douche we expected him to be and he has therefore influenced a large set of women that men do, in fact, suck. I, for one, remain hopeful that men are okay at their core...but Frank ain't helping my cause.

Before the lovers fly to Tahiti to bone, we have our special time with Frank in Chicago, who is agonizing over a mysterious ex-girlfriend with whom he's fallen back in love through his feelings for Ali. Wait, what? Yes, that is what Frank says has happened. By falling for Ali (rather, by obsessing over Ali and being in love with her before he even met her), Frank has fallen for his less cute ex-girlfriend Nicole. To deal with these heavy feelings, he has decided to visit Nicole in Chicago to spend 10 minutes with her so he can decide if he should spend the rest of his life with her (the usual), or if he should keep being obsessively crazy about Ali. He stops by Nicole's apartment (hotel room paid by ABC) unannounced (announced, although Nicole certainly didn't dress for the occasion in a dumpy yellow t-shirt, but whatever), and tells Nicole that his feelings for her have come rushing back. He talks a little too much about Ali in my opinion, but after five minutes with Nicole, he decides to spend his life with her. Barf. I'm officially over Frank, although I certainly was never under him. What is this guy? And who does he think he is? More importantly, why does Ali actually like him? More on that later.

Back in Tahiti, Ali's first date is with a very sweaty Roberto. I'd lay into him more about this, but I know I'd be just as sweaty as him if I were in a tropical venue with cameras all over me, so I'll be kind of nice here. But dude did have major pit stains and sweat dribbles the ENTIRE episode. Must be his Latino heat. The date starts with, surprise, a helicopter. The copter deposits the lovebirds on a private island with a heart-shaped (I'll use that term loosely) lagoon. They swim, frolick, and make out heavily in the water. Later, at dinner, Roberto opens up a bit through the sweat, and tells Ali that he's falling in love with her. My favorite part, though? The fact that Roberto seems genuinely surprised at the inevitable Fantasy Suite offer from Chris Harrison. My cohort on the couch last night thought the same. It's so funny how on The Bachelor, all the girls know what's coming and half the time they don't even read the note. The Bachelorette, however, is full of dudes who don't watch trashy TV (wait, what?) and are genuinely surprised that they get to bone--I mean, spend the night with--Ali. Roberto chooses to bone.

The next day, Ali meets Chris. After one of the more successful home visits the week before, we're all anxiously awaiting a good date. Their date begins with a boat ride to another private island. The boat drops them at sea, and the lovers make their way to shore....wearing Aquasocks. At first I thought Chris just made a horrible wardrobe choice, but then I saw they were both wearing unfortunate footwear, and I decided ABC made them do it. Phew! At one point during the date I freaked out and wondered to myself, "Is Chris boring?" but then he saved himself by being cute, honest, and confessing his love to Ali. He came outta nowhere with that one. Who would have thought that shy little Chris would be the most profuse expresser of love? Loved it. Chris also chooses to bone.

Lastly, Frank shows up looking like a mess and chats with Dr. Chris about his re-discovered love for unfortunate Nicole back home. After some paternal advice from Chris, it's Frank's turn to have a date with Ali. Oh wait, no date today because he gone and fell back in love with someone else even though he was crazy about Ali since day one or before. Ugh...stupid Frank. Ali arrives to Frank's bungalow excited to see him (and oddly convinced he's staying around to meet her family, as she later confessed). But hold up...Frank needs to talk. A very stunned Ali is heartbroken as she hears Frank tell her of this mystery chick he's never once mentioned before. I mean, really Frank? Everyone mentions their past loves on this show. Why didn't you? Jackass. Frank tells Ali that he's in love with Nicole and he's leaving the show. What I'm most surprised about here is Ali's reaction and that she actually, really liked him. Poor Ali. But better to know now, right?

My favorite quotes were these:

Ali: "I gave up everything to be here."

Frank: "I gave up everything too."

Ali: "Apparently not everything."

Two points for Ali. And scene.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses Chris and sweaty Roberto (duh), but insists they choose her back and actually accept the rose, as opposed to just being given the rose. Cute.

Good riddance to sweater-folding Frank.

Tonight's awards.

1) Douchebag: Frank

2) Sweatiest: Roberto

3) Most cryptic description of why Frank wasn't at the rose ceremony before she gave roses to Chris and Roberto: Ali. Those poor guys had no idea what was going on!

4) Predicted winner: Roberto?

Until two weeks from now (lord knows I ain't blogging the Bitches Tell All episode from the Cape),

Mike

P.S. To tide you over in my absence, you should all watch THIS AMAZING VIDEO. It's unbeweaveable.

And then there were four. But who cares because Jake and Vienna are back!

2010-07-06T15:18:00.006-04:00

Ali and the guys go to Portugal to fall in love even more. Ali chose four guys; no one is surprised.

1) Roberto

2) Frank

3) Chris

4) Kirk

Yay. Now to what's important: Jake and Vienna are back to tell us about their break-up! Break-up? What break-up? Oh, the one plastered across every cover of every magazine on newstands? Yeah, that break-up.

Besides the fact that Jake looks old, he is also a douche. I think I'm on Team Vienna. They pitter patter and go back and forth for a good 20 minutes about nothing. It's clear Vienna is still a little dumb and confused, but Jake is not. He knows what he's doing, and he always has. You gotta feel sorry for the girl. Plucked from a trailer park and sent to LA only to be ignored by her man who doesn't love her and is just interested in himself. Duh.

So they break up. He thinks she undermines him because she has a voice, and she thinks he doesn't love her because, well, he probably doesn't. And in the midst of the argument, Jake totally yells at Vienna on camera, and it's sealed ("PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!" in that guy-is-about-to-beat-his-wife-and-doesn't-want-the-kids-to-hear kind of stifled yell). Dude sucks. Fame hungry, camera-coached, and overly tanned and whitened, Jake is fast-tracking from B-lister to D-lister in a HOT minute. And I love it every minute of it.

One-way flight back to Dallas. Paging Jake! Final boarding call!

Until next week,

Mike

One Bazaar (sic) Night

2010-06-29T09:18:00.007-04:00

I ain't even got no time for a witty intro, so here goes. OMG. WTF?!? The moment we all knew was coming kicks off the episode in a grand fashion when Jessie, the boring Canadian chick on last season's Bachelor who we all forgot about because she lacked a personality, calls Ali to inform her that Justin has a girlfriend (cue the feigned shock on behalf of all of the thirteen people watching this show). Then, in awesomely dramatic fashion, Jessie passes the phone to the actual girlfriend, Jessica, an overly-tanned, fake-eyelashed Canadian. Yes, "overly-tanned" and "Canadian" were just in the same sentence. Jessica, struggling through fake tears for the camera, informs Ali that Justin went on the show to further his career and get famous, telling her all along that he'd come back to her and that they're meant to be together. Even though we all knew this was coming, we collectively love this, right? But it gets better.

After hearing the "shocking" news, Ali struts down to the guys' room to confront Justin in front of the dudes that hate him. Upon hearing that Ali has spoken with Justin's girlfriend, Justin, without any defense, ups and walks away (in his trashfest sweatpants emblazoned with some idiot logo) and leaves the place with his bag and passport. It was the ultimate character shift from cocksure jackass to tail-between-his-legs p*ssy (okay, I hate that word, but it was called for). What will hereafter be known as the Biggest P*ssy Moment Ever, Justin evades Ali and her questions and runs around like a loon on the Turkish hotel grounds trying his best to avoid cameras and questions. Dude was walking through gardens and groundcover and reflecting pools. It was awesome. Finally, he summons the courage to talk to Ali. If anyone ever wants a lesson on how to tell when a man is lying, simply play this minute-long segment on repeat. It. Was. AWESOME. Just fumbling for words, creating stories, not making eye contact.

And cue Justin's departure. In what was perhaps one of the best editing jobs in recent Bachelor/Bachelorette history, Justin's exit from the property was not to music, but to the voicemails he left his girlfriend back in Canada DURING the taping of the show. They were filled with "I love yous" and pathetic fodder that just begged to be played on national TV. How much ABC payed the girlfriend for these, we will never know, but it was amazing. So, goodbye to who I labeled this season's D-Bag...best of luck in "entertainment wrestling" now that all of North America knows you're a phony.

Now back to reality. This episode our "world tour" has taken us to Turkey. Kudos to Turkey for getting an awesome pitch to visit their country. ABC made this place look like heaven, what with its architecture, topography and culture--it was as if the Turkish tourism department spent their entire budget on this one episode of this crappy show. Oh wait, they probably did. Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Ty, our conservative Nashvillian. The date was pretty much boring. Ali is a dead giveaway when she views these guys as friends, and at this point, that's what Ty is. Even though they rub each other down in the Turkish baths and share a romantic dinner, it was neither special nor bad. Just nice. A few notes, though. Did anyone notice Ty's man-boobs? Wow. Also, how about his admission that his divorce was because he didn't like his wife working? Um...where are we? 1962 Jackson, Mississippi on the set of "The Help"???!!?? He gets a rose anyway because Ali probably figured Justin already went home, so why not?

The next date is bazaar (sic). (Duh, I totally know it's bizarre, but we're in Turkey, so play along.) Chris, Roberto, Kirk and Craig accompany Ali on a group date to some ancient castle thing. Then they strip down and lather up in olive oil and wrestle each other. You know, just like a normal date. The dudes first wrestle professional Turkish man-people, and then they wrestle each other for some alone time with Ali. It was certifiably weird. Craig beats Chris, Roberto beats Kirk, and in the finale, Craig beats Roberto! It was a total surprise. So Craig wins the one-on-one time with Ali and he effs it up by saying all the right things and cuddling with her even though they don't know each other. Another great example of Ali blatantly not being in to him and giving it all away to the viewers through her facial expressions and actions. Awesome.

The last date is a one-on-one with crazy Frank. This time it's literally bazaar...like at the Spice Bazaar. The lovebirds shop, have dinner in a sistern, and talk about their relationship. I find this whole relationship weird. Frank is just a little too ahead of himself. He's in love with the idea of Ali, but does he even know her? And why is Ali so in to him? Granted, she says that a "relationship with (him) scares me" to his face, but still. He gets a rose.

Back at the rose ceremony, Ali has already made up her mind before cocktails. She tells Chris Harrison that she has a connection with all the guys except one, and she's ready to hand out roses.

So, roses go to:

1) Ty

2) Frank

3) Roberto

4) Chris L.

5) Kirk

This means byeeeeeee to: Justin and Craig.

No surprises tonight!

Awards:

1) D-Bag: Justin

2) Potential Crazypants: Frank

3) Best/Worst Fake Tears: Jessica, the girlfriend in Canada

4) Biggest Upcoming Sneak Peak EVER: ABC fully shows us that Frank, Ty and Roberto make it to Tahiti, which is after the next stop: Portugal. Does this mean that Chris and Kirk get dropped? AND Frank ruins her life in Tahiti. What's going on? Is Frank too scared because he realizes he doesn't know Ali? Is he gay? Why isn't Chris in Tahiti? and Kirk?!? I'm dying.

Until next week,

Mike

Justin = This season's D-bag

2010-06-23T09:34:00.003-04:00

In case you needed a reminder. Dude's faking us out with his foot...unless it's a camera trick.

Bachelor Update: Jake and Vienna Split!

2010-06-22T12:25:00.003-04:00

As if we thought this wasn't coming.

Snowsuits, crazies and horsies

2010-06-21T21:55:00.008-04:00

Off to Iceland we go for a week of chilly fun. The boys land in Reykavik--thankfully ahead of the volcanic eruption that ruined air travel for a month, but just on the cusp of the eruption of horror that is this show.

Before the dates are determined, the boys have to write a poem to Ali to win this week's one-on-one date. There's a lot of bad, and one really good: Kirk. He was sweet, natural and corn-fed Midwestern cute. He brings it home and clearly gets the date.

Kirk and Ali share a fun date on the town. Sweater shops, coffee shops and lobster houses. It's cute, it's adorable, and so are their matching sweaters (notsomuch). On this date we learn that Kirk has never had a relationship over a year, he got super sick in college from toxins in his house, he was a really good runner, and he's just plain honest, natural and adorable. They make a cute couple and dude is inching in to frontrunner status. Ali is starting to heart him and gives him a rose.

The second date is the group mess. Ali and the boys meet in the frigid cold for a freezing horse ride in snowsuits. Let's be honest, the dudes look like Icelandic astronauts. If the country wasn't bankrupt and was able to fund a space program, the analogy would be believable...but whatever. It's kind of hilarious. Ty helps everyone out with the horses because he's country like that. Next they all rappel down into a cave. And next they share an evening at the Blue Lagoon, Iceland's lake with healing powers. Ali strips out of her astronaut suit and is magically wearing a bikini. Dudes pretty much strip down on the spot to join her in the water because of her healing powers. Guys get there one-on-one time during which Ali tells Frank to step it up because he's sitting in the back too much on group dates. After all is said and done, Ty swims away with the rose on this date.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one date, or as I like to refer to it: Crazy, Crazier and Ali. Crazy (Justin) joins Crazier (Kasey freakshow tattoo loony bin) and Ali on a--you guessed it--helicopter date. This is the 82nd helicopter ride this season and we're like 4 episodes in. ABC, get a grip. Can't we fly a private jet or something? Or some Icelandic mountain roving vehicle? Or a whaling boat? I don't know...something unique. Anyway, the two frenemies accompany Ali on a volcano-watching adventure. Okay, we all know Justin has nothing to offer and he's completely working on his wrastler acting skills, so there's not much to report there. Except for the fact that Kasey is batsh*t crazy, and after Ali confesses that "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal" (which is the best quote EVER), Kasey shows her his special tat. And scene. Justin gets the rose and Kasey is left waving to the helicopter in a space suit. Awesome.

Meanwhile, back at the manse pre-rose ceremony, Craig shows Ali his fake tattoo and gets a good laugh, Chris bores Ali with his non-personality (I mean, we knew he was going home because child hasn't been on camera since episode #1, but good lord, give us SOMETHING!!), and Frank and Ali have a moment. Is Frank back? Not sure.

Then Chris Harrison gets all Dr. Love on our asses and tells Ali he thinks she's afraid of falling in love. Ali agrees that she's terrified of not being loved back. Touching and deep, people. Thank goodness ABC brings us back to reality every now and then.

So here's some reality for you. Roses went to...

1) Kirk

2) Ty

3) Justin

4) Frank

5) Chris L.

6) Roberto

7) Craig

Byeeeeee: Kasey and Chris N.

Awards:

1) Most yawn-inducing bore-fest: Chris N. Good lord, someone get me a Red Bull.

2) Best quote: "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." - Ali. Um...not a chance.

3) Frontrunner: Kirk

4) Predicted top three: Kirk, Roberto, Chris L.

Until next week's drama that we all know involves Justin and a girlfriend,

Mike

Crazy is back and his name is Tattoo McGee

2010-06-14T21:46:00.022-04:00

So we're traveling around the world to find love tonight. First stop: New York. Ali and the boys pack up and head east in search of romance, colder weather, and culture. I mean, duh, they're coming to my city. Full of culture, fashion and fame. Sure, it's also full of trash on the streets and a massive rat infestation, but let's pretend that doesn't exist. Just for two long hours.

The first date is a one-on-one between Ali and Kasey. What I really want to know during this date is why he talks from the back of his throat like he done swallowed a frog. But ABC is very coy with what's going on there...so I settle for THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENTS IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY! Literally...well...at least Top 5 Most Awkward moments. Things start off typical (helicopter) and end messy. On the lawn outside Ellis Island, after their 'copter ride, Kasey sings Ali an impromptu and fully improvised song about their date and how he wants a rose. I mean, it's like back to preschool where kids just sing their thoughts...to no tune...just to hear their voice. I literally sweat through my shirt. But then the date gets worse. They go to the Museum of Natural History and spend the night in the near dark running around. And don't worry, Kasey makes up another song while Ali literally chokes back laughter. It's nightmare status, people. Before Ali doesn't give him a rose, he drops this bomb: "Ali, I choose you." Um...she didn't ask you. So, you suck. And you don't get a rose. What I really worry about, though, is that Ali tells him she doesn't want him to leave. I die.

Date two is the big gay happy sing-songy group date. Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty join Ali ON A BROADWAY STAGE. Are you dying? I mean last night, the Tony Awards, tonight The Lion King on The Bachelorette?!? My inner theatre queen is out to play, and here we go. The boys "audition" for a role, and, well, as always, the best looking guy wins. Roberto. They sang, they danced, they wore dance belts...and after all of the embarrassment, Roberto wins. And then he and Ali strip down (he to a loin cloth) and they soar through the air on stage. Literally.

Soon after, the show starts. I mean, I'm dying inside. They are Broadway stars for a night and the entire disenchanted underworked theatre community collectively cries inside. If all it took was a rose on the line, I would have won twelve Tonys by now. Just sayin'. But back to the show that Roberto and Ali are STARRING in as they air dance in front of 1600 people. As their scene ends, Ali plants a big kiss on Roberto's lips and I'm fully jealous.

After the show, they all reunite for drinks. Ali isn't feeling well, but the guys are putting on the full court press. Franks gets his time with Ali, Jonathan gets blown off, it's awesome. Kirk takes her away and tells her to take the night off because she's feeling so rough, and she decides to head home early without giving out a rose...but not before Kirk escorts her home and snuggles with her and gets a kiss in bed. She loves it, the other guys do NOT. I'm just concerned they're spreading diseases. Let's be honest. There are viruses involved now, people...you can't just go around kissing every open mouth in town.

The next one-on-one is between Chris L. (birthday boy) and Ali. He could have chosen a cuter outfit, let's be honest. Ali could have chosen better health, but she's selfish like that. Regardless, Ali and Chris spend the day together...just in her hotel suite instead of in the city. He opens up about his family with her, and it's cute. He's very cute, in fact. Is dude moving up in the rankings. Me thinks yes.

Meanwhile, Kasey is not at the hotel. Where could he possibly be? He's taken a one-way trip to Crazytown. Freakshow goes out to Queens to check out the local tattoo parlor. Nothing like branding yourself after one date. ONE. DATE. Um...for once the previews may not have lied. Kasey may be a legitimate freakshow.

Back on the date, Ali is feeling better and they head out on the town. They head to 230 Fifth for some great views, food, and drinks. We'll pretend for a hot minute that it isn't the epicenter of all things B & T, and we let them get to know each other. Chris opens up more about his mom and I tear up when he mentions rainbows. Then Ali and Chris call his dad together on his birthday, which is oddly touching. I've decided they're a cute couple. Ali decides the same, and gives him a birthday rose. They celebrate on the roof with Joshua Radin and a gospel choir serenading them! A fricking gospel choir!!! I mean...let's just say there are now three frontrunners.

Back at the hotel, Kasey returns from getting branded and pretends like he got a third-degree burn and he's back from the hospital. Um...dude is crazy. Carnie crazy freak status. Meanwhile, we know he has a shielded heart tattoo on his wrist and, in his private words, he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve." Dudes aren't impressed.

At the rose ceremony, the boys reunite. Jonathan whips out his guitar and sings awfully for Ali. Okay, let me please tell all future contestants: when you have no talent, please don't share the talent you don't have with your date. It's messy and embarrassing for us all. Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Justin, the wrastler, plots his revenge against Kasey by planning to out his "I'm burned" lie. Let's be honest, we're excited. Justin calls him out and asks Kasey to show him the burn. He "questions his integrity" and the tension builds. It's pretty awesome, because Kasey knows Justin knows the truth. Kasey then shows his branded wrist to the dudes, knowing he's been caught. He wants to "guard and protect her heart"...and he's crazy. I mean, is this guy kidding?!? Is he batsh*t loony? The dudes conceal their horror quite well, though.

Don't worry, because then Kasey has some time with Ali. Before he even talks, we know she's ready to dump him. She was just too weak to do it on their date. And then he shows her the tat...just kidding! Frank interrupts them and takes her away. It's AWESOME. And then Ali is summoned away before the moment to deliberate.

Roses go to:

1) Chris L.

2) Kirk

3) Frank

4) Craig

5) Chris N.

6) Roberto

7) Justin

8) Ty

9) Kasey. WHAT?!?

Byeeee: Jonathan and Jesse.

1) Biggest Freakshow Crazytown Idiot Fool: Kasey

2) Frontrunners: Roberto and Chris L. with Kirk just nudged out of the top three

3) Most Painful Mistake: Kasey's tattoo

4) Surprise: Jesse going home. Kinda shocked, even though he wouldn't have lasted. This should teach him to wear a tie next time. But at least he's back to his dogs.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. shout out to my lovebug.

Bare Naked Embarrassment

2010-06-07T21:42:00.013-04:00

Episode three. According to Bachelorology, this means that things get "real" this episode. Jealously starts brewing, feelings get hurt, and things heat up. So with that, we have three dates tonight.

Date one is with Ali's favorite: Roberto the southern Latino. That hair, that skin, those dimples, that cleft in his chin...what's not to love. Cue the helicopter that flits them away to downtown LA where the lovebirds have to tightrope walk between two buildings so they can have dinner together. Let's be honest, the date is a smashing success. They share their first kiss 82 stories above downtown LA, and they share a great dinner and cuddle session together. Roberto clearly gets a rose.

The next date is the nine-on-one clustermess that we know will deliver some drama. Setting: dumpy LA-"river"-adjacent highway lot. You know, the kind of place that just screams romance. Well...just wait. The Bare Naked Ladies are there, and they're going to film a music video!! Even more romantic? A bunch of washed up, middle aged former rockers! Woohoo!! But at least the drama starts. Each guy gets to film a scene with Ali, and many scenes involve kisses. Highlights: Jonathan cries (apparently he was nervous, even though he spends his life on camera as a weatherman); Kirk and Ali have a full on real make out session; all the boys get jealous. Later, they all share Coors Lights on a rooftop somewhere. More awkwardness ensues between Ali and Jonathan, Chris L. tells Ali about his mom passing away, and Kirk gets the rose.

The next day, wrastler Justin walks on his crutches for like 8 miles to see Ali at her house because that's what professional wrastlers who are on crutches do. So there you have it. He's "real" and he likes her. Too bad no one believes it. D-bag.

The last one-on-one date is between Ali and Hunter. Hunter, unfortunately seems incredibly nervous. Let's just say it doesn't go well. Nothing bad...just nothing good. Poor Hunter. Time to hunt elsewhere. It was the perfect setting for a romantic date. Her house, homecooked meal, pools, hot tubs, s'mores...you name it. Better luck next time, Hunt. And stop calling her "Darlin'" after half a date. Justin is dick-ish about it and gloats when Hunter doesn't return home. We hate him.

On to the rose ceremony...

Chris L. and Ali snuggle up and get closer. Steve brings her out for a private champagne date in the front of the house (cute, even though he couldn't open the bottle).

The truth comes out about Justin's secretive one-on-one time with Ali when Roberto and Ali sit down to fall more in love. Roberto tells his bros, the boys get their panties in a wad and start talking about him behind his back. And then they confront him in front of everyone else. Justin is totally shocked and wonders how they found out, but he admits it. We love it.

Roses go to:

1) Roberto

2) Kirk

3) Chris L.

4) Jesse (wearing a denim workshirt and jeans...um...)

5) Chris N.

6) Ty

7) Kasey

8) Craig

9) Frank

10) Jonathan

11) Justin (as if she wouldn't have picked him...it's about ratings, people)

Byeeeeeee: Hunter, Steve, John

1) Villain/D-bag: Justin

2) Potential to become a Jealous Freakshow: Frank

3) Cutest: TBD

4) Front-runner: Roberto, with Kirk putting on the full court press.

This Mess Keeps Chugging Along

2010-05-24T22:18:00.016-04:00

This show is a trainwreck, and she just keeps chugging. Clearly, I have an all-you-can-ride pass, so I'm back and your lives just got better. That said, I'm busy and important, so I just can't get too in to this tonight as I just wrapped a photo shoot and I'm simply beat.

But let's just say, I love Ali, and she's famous. And nervous!

Our cast of characters:

Chris, Vancouver, Canada?

Jesse, Peculiar, MO

Chris L., Cape Cod

Ty, Nashville

Frank, Chicago - the hambone who jumped out of the sunroof

Justin, Toronto, Canada? Entertainment Wrestler? Two wrongs don't make a right.

Jay, Barrington, RI. Personal injury lawyer. Yikes.

Chris, Florida

Kasey, Cali - Not sure where his voice is coming from.

Kyle, Colorado - Outdoorsman.

Roberto, Charleston, SC

Craig, Toronto, Canada? Douchey McGee. Hair alert.

John, Wichita, KS

Tyler, VT

John, Issaquah, WA - Proposed with fake diamond and the flaming House Gay

Jonathan, Houston, TX - Weatherman

Craig R., Philly, PA

Steve, Cleveland, OH

Kirk, Green Bay, WI

Tyler, Austin, TX - Catering Manager who mistook Ali for wearing cowboy boots with Jake

Hunter, San Antonio, TX

Derek, Warren, MI - Worst suit of the night

Phil, Chicago, IL

Derrick, San Diego, CA - "Shooter"

Jason, Denver, CO - Back flip off the limo. Makes me nervous.

Some comments:

Kirk made a scrapbook.

Kevin is overzealous.

Kasey has an interesting voice.

Hunter plays the ukulele.

Derrick prematurely ejaculates and tells Ali. WHAT? I can't.

Chris L. says his parents are still together even though his mom passed away.

There are no black guys.

There are no Asian guys.

First Impression Rose goes to: Roberto. Least surprising moment of the night.

Big Twist Alert. Chris Harrison asks the guys to submit the name of the dude(s) who isn't there for the right reason. Awesome. Nothing like starting the drama early! Once the guy's name is revealed, Ali can choose whether or not to keep him around. And the dude everyone voted off is...dun dun dun...Justin, the professional wrestler dude with a busted foot. Ali decides to keep him. Blah.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses:

1) Roberto (First Impression)

2) Justin (saved for "not being there for the right reasons")

3) Jesse

4) Ty

5) Craig R.

6) Tyler B.

7) Frank

8) Steve

9) Chris L.

10) Kirk

11) John C.

12) Chris N.

13) Chris H.

14) Hunter

15) Craig M. Because every season needs a villain.

16) Jonathan

17) Kasey with a K

Awards:

1) Cutest - Chris H.

2) Frontrunner - Roberto and Hunter. It's a tie.

3) Gayest - John from Washington

4) Love At First Sight - Roberto

5) Most Canadian - Unfortunately it's an 82-way tie with Chris, Justin and Craig

6) D-bag Alert - Craig M.

Until next week (before which I will be on the West coast for some PR appearances, wine tastings, etc.),

Mike

Battle of the Already-Marrieds...and Another Bache-saster

2010-03-01T22:54:00.011-05:00

Lovers, we've seen it before. And guess what: we're seeing it again. The nicest bachelor in history is doomed to repeat history for the 82nd time; and I'm just not surprised anymore.

Let's get started because I'm over it. Just over it. Before the girls arrive, Jake preps them. Tenley is perfect and Vienna is the "girl nobody liked." Oops. The family is already swayed.

First off is Tenley. She arrives and meets Jake's cute and weepy family (mostly weepy dad). Both Tenley and Jake are wearing pink, and it's quite fitting because Tenley is all pink and perfect. As predicted, she says all the right things, Jakes family falls in love with her, and they all jump in the pool? What? Yes, you read that correctly. They all jump in the pool. It's awkward, but it happened. What else is there to say? Tenley wins the family over and they love her.

Next, Trailer Trash arrives looking like just that. His family has their collective guard up, and starts off with their fists clenched. Tough questions about why she sucks so much come left and right, and she fails at answering them miserably. Her grammar is predictably poor, and it's perfect. But literally, it's great. One of the sisters-in-law (not "sister-in-laws" thankyouverymuch) says, "So won't you be shocked when he doesn't choose you in the end," when she confronts Vienna's confrontational nature. Um...we love Laura, the sassy sister-in-law. Meanwhile, Mom flat out tells Jake that Vienna sucks and she hates her. Well, not really...but they don't like her as a family unit. But then, like the total joke that is Vienna's run on this show, everyone is magically won over by her stupidity. I mean, what else could it be? This girl is a joke. He can't really like her...

Next are the final dates between Jake and the two women. This time, Vienna is first. They have a romantic day in the sulphur springs...which is basically a day in a poo-smelling nature preserve. They play in the springs and cover their bodies in mud. It's gross. Especially when she writes "I love you" on his chest in mud. Barf. Later in the evening, the washed off lovebugs reunite at Vienna's suite. They chat, they reminisce on their pointless and sex-filled relationship, and Jake throws out the quote of the year: "What was it like being married for three weeks?" Awesome. Enough said.

Tenley and Jake's final date is on a yacht. It sucks. Jake fully confesses that while their emotional chemistry is there, the physcial chemistry just isn't. He should have just been honest and said, "I am boning the sh*t out of Vienna, why isn't it the same with you?" Tenley is totally hurt, and it's awkward. Later, Jake apologizes and pretends he really likes her. Sadly, Tenley is bummed about the whole affair, but she should have thought twice about wearing the fake nails she sported on their last date which clearly played a role in this mess. (Gracias, couchmate, for that one.)

At this point in the night, it's clear. Ali is Jake's one and only, and she's the only one for him. She has it all. Physical love, emotional love, and just all-around perfection. Oh wait...

But then...dun dun dun...

All three wake up on the day of the proposal. Cut to the staged and inevitable pensive morning balcony moments. And...scene.

Next, Tenley is first to arrive in her helicopter at the proposal. She. Looks. STUNNING. She is a literal Oscar in her gold dress. Unfortunately, the lighting and sun during the time in which HE DUMPS HER makes Tenley look like a hot, sweaty mess. Literally, she's never looked worse. And it's heartbreaking because Jake cries as he dumps her, and she is crushed. He's an idiot, but I predicted this weeks ago. Worst line (from Tenley), "Thank you for showing me what I could have." Nightmare.

And then, Messy McBottom shows up in her fugly teal dress. Sadly, the lighting has bettered since the break-up with Tenley, and she looks better during the proposal than Tenley did. Boo. Jake proposes, a collective, "Ewwww" rises up from America, and we wish them luck in their break-up to come. I wish I could have watched this with Ali, who you know cheered in realizing that all her heartbreak was for naught. How could she ever fall for this mess who just proposed to a teenage bride?

Don't worry, though. To rub it in, ABC goes to montage mode as they replay the love of Jake and Vienna, underscored by the easy jazz stylings of "On The Wings of Love." B.A.R.F.

And I'm done.

----

But wait...some notes and quotes from "After the Final Rose."

-"I've never had this much heat in a relationship." Jake, talking about Vienna. Um, Jake? It's called a burning sensation from the STDs Vienna has gifted you.

-"Vienna is my baby." Jake, talking about Vienna. Exactly, Jake. She's young, stupid and dumb.

-"We'll move towards a marriage." Let me de-code this: our engagement will last until we break up.

-OMG Vienna's roots are FINALLY dyed!!!! How hard could that have been? What took so long??

-Who thinks that the following is happening?

---Jake: "Am I really marrying this mess?"

---Vienna: "Am I really marrying this goob?"

-Can you imagine Jake's family meeting Vienna's family? YIKES!

-And then...the ultimate mutable moment in Bachelor history...a live performance of "On the Wings of Love" performed by the original artist who I can't remember to which the lovers dance. I literally started sweating. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

-One last thought: this has got to be a joke.

-The next Bachelorette: Ali. Least surprising moment in history. Girlfriend has never felt so validated. Bring on the boys!

And now I'm done.

Until never,

Mike

B*tches Tell All

2010-02-22T22:02:00.004-05:00

So I flew back from Barcelona (that's "Barthelona" to you) this afternoon after being upgraded by the boys at the American Airlines counter, and although "I don't blog the B*tches Tell All" episode, I have a few choice thoughts for you as I begin to figure out how I'll be attacking my newly-gained tapas weight at the gym this week. Ahhh, the jet-setting life I live. LA and Barcelona this past week, South Bend, Indiana in two weeks. My life is pure glamour. Almost too glamorous to take a week off from the blog. But you knew I'd do this (both blog and freak out over too many tapas, duh). I have the energy and heart for it. After all, I was able to nap in my fully-flat business class seat, as opposed to what could have happened with the plebes in coach. Can you imagine taking off without having champagne first? It's too much to fathom right now, so on to the episode.

1) There were two dudes in the audience. But only one at a time. Any one else notice that halfway through the episode, the dark-haired guy wearing a purple shirt on the left-most seat of the front row turned in to a light-haired guy wearing a tan blazer? What did they pay the lone straight dudes to show up at the girliest event of the year? And where were the gays?

2) Did Chris have a little spruce-up job? He looked very "refreshed" tonight. Maybe it's the jet lag, but Chris was looking good. Nothing like a little botox to cured the mid-winter blues.

3) This Rozlyn mess is just that, a big mess. We all know she boned the help; why can't she fess up? And how awkward was it when she accused Chris of hitting on the fired producer's wife in New Zealand? That was low. And awkward for Chris!

4) What is with Jake's bad outfits? Why the crewneck sweater under the suit tonight? And what about the tie to come in the finale?!?

5) You could totally hear the ball in Jake's throat as he addressed Ali breaking his heart (after seeing her for the first time since she left). Amazing.

6) I have the tiniest of suspicions that Jake is not happy with what happens. He looked tired, bloated and far too un-tan to be happy. Boy needs a business class trip to Barcelona.

6) The next Bachelorette is totally Ali. If it's not, I quit.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. How about Molly and Jason's upcoming wedding? I have some Grand Rapids hometown heroes who are attending the secretive ceremony and have signed their lives away to ABC so even my mom and her tennis/golf gabbing friends haven't leaked the deets. But the wedding's this weekend!

To Bone or Not To Bone

2010-02-15T22:34:00.006-05:00

Kids...I'm blogging from my couch in New York and I woke up in sunny LA. What does that mean? It means I'm famous and I had to do some LA appearances over the long weekend. Bel Air, WeHo, Malibu, Santa Barbara, the Hills...you name it, I was there and so was the paparazzi. I stood by for an earlier flight in order to blog this mess, so stand by for some drama. And let me say, it's such a relief to be back in reality where I'm no longer followed by helicopter-razzi dying for my picture. Let me also say: why do I live in a place where it isn't 75 and sunny in mid-February? Stupid New York.

It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.

First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.

Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.

Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.

Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!

Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.

1) Tenley
2) Vienna

Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.

Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?

Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...

Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.

Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),

Mike

Bache-saster

2010-02-08T22:01:00.008-05:00

Ladies and gentleladies, we may have just witnessed The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. I hate to say it, but ABC may have actually told the truth for once. It's too soon to determine if it was actually TMDRCE, but I gotta feelin'...

It's hometown date night, and our first stop is the Jersey Shore!! Oh wait...it's actually New York, but it felt like next season's spin off of the Jersey Shore. It will hereby be titled The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love. But back to the action, Jake meets Gia and they tour the city via boat. Later, the lovers meet her family at a tragic restaurant on 85th and 2nd. The cast of The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love includes Gia, her mom Donna, the step dad, the stepbrother (hereafter known as "The Occasion"), and some dumb little brother figure who didn't get a hot second of air time. In short, the mom is a hot mess who requires subtitles and also drinks white wine on ice, The Occasion is a vision of Staten Island glory with Versace shades and enough hair gel to ignite a city block, and the other two are forgettable. The family questions Jake as to whether or not he'd "have her back" in light of trouble, as though they were entering into the West Side Story redux or something. It was brilliant. It was totally Landfill of Love. Quote of the night, courtesy of The Occasion: "If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I will." Aww, touching.

Date two takes us to idyllic Williamstown, MA. Nothing like the Berkshires to instill a little love. Here, Jake and Ali reunite and we realize all over again why they're the best couple on the show. She is too cute for words, and the whole day is a success. From visiting dead Grandma's house, to a nice night with the family (mom, sis and bro), it just feels right. Granted, the dinner looked gross, but overall, it was great. The mom envisions them getting married. Ali agrees, when she says, "If you asked me today I would say yes." Yay! We love Ali and Jake. It's a marriage in the making!

Next, we travel to Newburg, Oregon to meet Tenley and her cute family. At first it feels a little forced and fake, but then that goes out the window when Tenley performs a choreographed dance to Pachelbel's "Canon in D," (better known as every woman's wedding march). It was awkward, I wanted to mute the TV, but Tenley has killer calves and nice moves. Heinous yet touching. Next, we head to her house where we meet her cute family. Mom, Dad and Sister eagerly await the couple's arrival, and they all cry when they arrive. The tears continue through the steak dinner, during the one-on-one time with the two parents and Jake, and again at the end. But overall, the family is very cute, the date was touching, and their house was quaint and cute. They all give Jake their blessing. Mom admits that Tenley will have "emotional spillovers" for some time about her ex-husband (who was mentioned far too much throughout the day), but if anyone is prepared to love again, it is Tenley. Jake's fears about her ex-husband are allayed. So yay for Tenley and her cute family. She finally seemed to relax by the end of the date, and she didn't seem as uncomfortable. Is there a true romance brewing?

Last, it's the hometown date we've all been waiting for. We travel south to the gator-infested waters of Florida, where we meet the hair-dye-infested Vienna and her tragic, most likely incestuous family. After a sassy little pontoon boat ride, we get right down to business. We meet the family: Mom, Dad, Sister and Chihuahua in pink. Upon seeing his daughter, Dad begins to cry. The Vienna cries, and the weirdness begins. Is there something going on with Dad and V? Am I reading too much in to what seems to be an awkward relationship? Dad quickly whisks Jake away to his toolshed where he puts this little treasure out there for all of us to enjoy (re-worded because I couldn't actually listen when he delivered it): "I treat my daughter like a princess, and I'd expect the same out of you. If you treat her like a princess, you'll come home and the house will be cleaned, the kids will be raised..." Wow, nothing like a father who has only the highest hopes and respect for his daughter. Quick question: any one else think Dad looks like a mix between a cross-eyed gator hunter and Saddam Hussein? Yeah...thought so. Back at dinner, the family enjoys some tasty hot dogs and beans (we're in the middle of Florida near a river, what do you expect?), and the family isn't surprised that everyone is jealous (or hates) of their little Vienna. Question number two: would anyone be surprised if no one in Vienna's family knew that Vienna was actually a beautiful city in Austria? Yeah...didn't think so. After dinner, the lovebugs go make out in Vienna's bedroom next to the picture of Vienna kissing her father. I won't comment. What I will comment on is when Dad walks in on them making out. I secretly think he wanted to join. The date soon ends, and we all take a break to shower off the nasty from witnessing this special dad/daughter relationship. Shout out to my couchmate and lovebug for the shower comment.

Back at the Beverly Wilshire, we're all set to get dressed to ditch a girl at the next rose ceremony when the drama really heats up. Ali drops the bomb on Jake, letting him know that it's either him or her job...as in she'll be fired if she stays on the show any longer. Okay, let me begin. 1) This happened last season with Ed and I'm over it. 2) Don't contestants have to have this cleared with their employers BEFORE they come on the show? 3) How douchey does Ali's boss feel for making her choose between work and love? As Ali breaks down, Jake gives unfailingly good advice, but stops short of really asking her to stay. It's a mess, and I predicted this last week (with the help of some key Bachelorites).

Later that evening, Ali arrives in a cute dress looking, unfortunately, a bit dissheveled. Poor thing. The girls line up one by one, and Ali soon asks for some time with Jake, where we anticipate her decision. Will she stay or will she go? Ali is a mess, Jake is emotional, and he finally lays it on her: "I don't want you to go." He also says he's falling in love and he'd be devastated if you left. FINALLY! Thank goodness he put it out there. He even said, "You weren't on the line tonight." Gotta love Jake's honesty. After Ali says, "I love you" (yep, she went there), we're left with more tears, sobs, and eventually she delivers it: "I have to go." Trainwreck. I'm seriously pissed, but I'll sleep at night knowing she'll totally reappear. She just has to. The couple says goodbye with a hot and emotional kiss, and she drives away into the night. Jake is totally a mess, and he admits that he's heartbroken once again. But he pulls it together for the non-rose ceremony to come. Sidenote: how fun would it be to have listened to the conversation of the girls in waiting as Ali and Jake said their goodbyes?

Jake reappears to the remaining girls (two messy, one normal) with a gloriously fake smile and news that there will be no rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Gia
3) Vienna

Awards:
1) Cutest family: Tenley's
2) Creepiest dad: Vienna's
3) Biggest mistake: Jake not telling Ali he loved her.
4) Worst employer: Ali's
5) Worst watch: Chris's blingy mess at the rose ceremony. Who cares if it's Cartier if it's that loud?
6) Comeback kid award: Ali. She'll be back.

Until next week,
Mike

Because Spreading Rumors is Fun

2010-02-03T09:31:00.002-05:00

Rumors I've heard (and decided to spread) this week. Stay tuned for verification.

1) Ali leaves voluntarily during the next episode.
2) Vienna wins.
3) Tenley is pregnant. Not sure about this one.

Discuss.

You're Just a Virgin Who Can't Drive

2010-02-02T08:30:00.004-05:00

We've driven up the coast a bit further for a little San Francisco treat. Out of the RVs and into the Intercontinental we go. Our setting for this episode is the Mark Hopkins Hotel, on the "crest" of lovely Nob Hill. Talk about an upgrade. One night you're in an RV, the next you're in a palace. So there are five girls left, and next week is Jake-meets-the-parents week. Who's getting the boot? Will he keep the one and only brunette (Gia) and ditch one of the four blondes?

The first one-on-one date goes to Tenley. It's a chill date strolling around Chinatown (barf) followed by a nice dinner. We all agree that Tenley is cute, but she's not that comfortable around him. It felt very "first date-y," and I don't think she's doing herself any favors. Later, Jake wears a turtleneck at dinner, and brings us all down with his poor style choice. Overall, it's blah.

Meanwhile, the tension is building at the hotel. Will the two-on-one date be between mortal enemies Ali and Vienna (gasp)? Corrie gets the date card and reads out the names. Ali and Vienna!!!! Ha! She lets the drama sink in for a hot minute until she cuts the tension with a knife and says the date will be with Gia and Vienna. Ali about died and we loved it.

So the two-on-one is Gia and Vienna at a castle-like vineyard in Napa. "Jake" sends the girls a trunk of clothes for the date (I love how the girls think that Jake is actually packing trunks of clothing as if he'd know what they'd want to wear). But then again...who is packing these trunks filled with sequins and utterly un-cute loud prints and slutty tops? We've got a job opening in the wardrobe department, people! Gia chooses a lovely teal turtleneck lace top and a metallic bra (yes, you read that correctly), Vienna predictably chooses a pink sequin tank top, and off they go to the castle. The date is inevitably uncomfortable as awkward Vienna makes it all about herself, and Gia is the third wheel. It's tacky, just like her skin, hair, and make up. Until, Jake and Gia go make out in some grotto within the castle. Then...duh...Vienna interrupts them because she needs more me time. At the end of the date, it seems as though Gia is the big winner. He's comfortable with her, and he's distant with Vienna. They all spend the night at the castle, Vienna sneaks in to Jake's room (surprise!). Overall, it's fine. Vienna is dumb. Gia wins.

The next date is between Corrie and Jake. Key take-away from this one: Corrie is a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage, and she doesn't want to live with her husband until they're hitched. Jake played it coolly, but you know he was like "WHA?!?!?!" internally. Basically, she just screwed her chances in her virgin-like way.

The last date is what we've all been waiting for: Ali and Jake. Finally the San Franciscan gets to show Jake around her city and prove to him once again that she's the one for him. A very booby and cute Ali takes to the streets with Jake. We think they're matching in their blue outfits for a second until we realize Ali is wearing purple. Phew. The chemistry is obviously there between them as they wander the streets, buy flowers, mount each other in a park, and ruin their clothes while playing in the ocean. Was anyone else concerned about her knee-high boots in the waves? Hello? And was anyone else a little thrown off by Ali's public mounting of Jake's business in the park? It was a bit much and she could have easily mooned innocent passersby.

At the rose ceremony, there are no surprises. Jake tells the camera before the ceremony that he likes Vienna, so all guesses were out the window.

1) Tenley
2) Ali
3) Gia
4) Vienna (duh...it was so obvious)

Adios Corrie!

Awards.:
1) Quote: "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side." - Corrie. Um...yes it does. That's exactly what it means. You're in "touch" with nothing.
2) Front runners: Ali, with Gia a close second.
3) Tampa Trash: Vienna

Drama we all expected

2010-01-25T22:06:00.004-05:00

So Mr. Perfect proves to us tonight that he doesn't play by the rules. He follows his heart, he lets a tear or two shed, and he kicks b*tches off left and right! Yowza...let's get to it.

Tonight, the girls hop on RVs and take a California road trip up the coast. We're already doen with the mansion in LA! Three dates tonight: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. After a drive up the PCH, the RVs pull off at a lovely vineyard where the plaid-shirt wearing Jake Bunyan greets them with a hug.

The one-on-one goes to Gia, who appropriately wears a kimono and stilettos on their rustic date on the vineyard. Her NY (or is it Jersey?) accent comes out on the date, which is slightly appalling, but all in all, Gia isn't too bad. They share stories of nerdy pasts, play a little spin the bottle, and share dogs and s'mores by the campfire later on. They snuggle up and get closer throughout the date, and Gia reveals herself to be more than a pretty (swimsuit model pretty) face. She's cute and little "off" and Jake likes her. She gets a rose.

The second date is up the coast a little further, at Pismo Beach. Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna, and Corrie get dirty on the beach with dune buggies, sand surfing and a picnic. First off, everyone hates Vienna. Second, so do I. Third, the date is cute and fun and Jake likes seeing the girls let loose. Later, they head to an inn so they can clean up and have a nice dinner in a really ugly and gaudy pink dining room. Jake has alone time with all the girls, but not before Vienna declares that she'd like the last one-on-one so she can be the last girl to kiss him. Vomit. She probably just wanted extra time to spruce her mall bangs and apply some extra orange self tanner. Vienna finally gets her time with Jake and he broaches the subject of her being a raging coot. Actually, he just raises some red flags with her in a nice Jake-ish way, and she pretty much ignores them and wants to focus on herself. Jessie, conveniently manages to NOT get any air time once again, thereby sealing her fate. Also during the date, Jake ensures that Tenley is indeed over her ex-husband, and at the end of the date, he gives her the rose.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one, in lovely Big Sur. What a nightmare. Not Big Sur--that part is great--but who would ever want to go on a date with an objection of affection and another ho? Not me, for one. Someone is always the third wheel. Or are they? At the outset, it appears as though Kathryn will be playing the supporting role of "Third Wheel." For starters, Jake and Ella drink red, and Kat drinks white. Totaly outsider. Then, Jake pays most of his attention to Ella during dinner, and takes her outside afterwords to chat. Kathryn is left cold and alone with her wine (at which point, if I were her, I would have chugged and refilled 12 times). But wait! Jake then spends some time with Kathryn. She calls Jake out on not really getting to know her, and he pretends like it wasn't on purpose. Their time together is basically a job interview after which no one gets an offer. After his time with the girls, Jake asks to speak to Ella, where he tells her she's great and kicks her off. I couldn't have scripted it better. But then...just wait. He goes back in, Kathryn smiles and comforts him knowing she's won this round, and Jake responds by kicking her off TOO!! Do you die? I died. Our little Jake plays by the rules no more. To end it all, he dramatically tosses the rose in the fire pit, and we collectively giggle.

At the rose ceremony, the girls are gunning for Vienna. Jessie (yeah, she's still on the show even though we still don't know her name or who she is) tells Jake that she thinks Vienna sucks. Unfortunately, Jake was most likely too distracted by her heinous green eye makeup to hear what she said, but her efforts were to be lauded. Then Vienna grabs Jake for some alone time, during which Jake once again talks to Vienna about why everyone hates her. She changes the subject back to herself. Surprise! The other girls take their final attempts at wooing Jake, and then it's time for the hand-outs. But not before they all discuss how much they hate Vienna, and Ali (lovely in yellow, as always) threatens to tell Jake what she really thinks if he actually asks Vienna to stay.

1) Gia
2) Tenley
3) Ali
4) Corrie

-scene interrupted -

Jake, after tearing up (yes, I totally predicted the first tears would come in episode four!!), excuses himself and asks to talk to Chris. He then asks Chris's advice on what he would do if he were faced with a similar decision of having to ask two women to stay when he really only wanted one. Again...Jake bends the rules.

-back at the ceremony-

Chris tells the ladies that he'll be taking one of the two remaining roses away, and two women will be going home instead of one.

5) Vienna. GASP!!! Kidding. Of course she's staying...there would be no drama if she didn't. Wonder how much ABC paid Jake for that one...

Bye: Ella, Kathryn, Ashleigh and Jessie

Awards:
1) Come from behind award: Gia
2) Worst ties: Jake. Who is responsible for his rose ceremony ties?!?
3) Quote: "Are you f*cking kidding me?" - Ashleigh, reacting to going home before Vienna. Couldn't have put it better myself, my dear.

Until next week,

Mike

And then there were 9...poor Jake

2010-01-18T23:13:00.008-05:00

Jesus take the wheel...it's a night of drama and I've had 9 glasses of wine. Please steer us in the right direction.

Tonight we have two one-on-one dates and one big happy (I mean raging disaster) group date.

The first one-on-one goes to the most hated woman in the house, Dye Job McGee, I mean Vienna. Why she should be named after a beautiful European city I do not know, but let's leave that be for now. It's the first heli-date of the season as Jake and Vienna flit away to a 300-foot drop. They fly to a crazy scary bungee jumping adventure, and Jake has a minor freak out prior to the plunge. I think he's officially the first bachelor to freak like this, but let's just move on and await his tears in the next couple episodes. They jump, they fall, they kiss, her dye job is still bad, yada yada. Afterwords, they drink wine out of awkwardly tall wine glasses, do the requisite hot tub scene, and she gets a rose. Vienna then goes home and gushes about her date and everyone hates her. The end.

Date #2 will hereafter be known as the "Worst Date Ever on The Bachelor." OMG I die I die I die. Jon Lovitz hosts the crew at his comedy club where the girls are the headline event. This is my worst nightmare, by the way. Untrained comics in front of an unassuming audience. It was a fully mutable date, folks. I started sweating, I muted, I drank more wine. Messy. The one redeemable takeaway of the date was this: Jake looked hot in his plaid shirt. Very preppy, very cute, very on-trend. We love it. What we don't love is untrained comediennes BOMBING in front of a hopefully-paid audience. Tenley avoids comedy and does body bends; Corrie trashes Vienna; Ashleigh freaks, cries, drinks too much and then eventually tells blonde jokes; and Michelle bombs bombs BOMBS. YIKES!

After the date, the girls have a "wrap party" of sorts at the Roosevelt. Tenley finally fesses up to her divorce, Ali and Ashleigh trash Vienna to Jake, and Michelle is still crazy. Surprise! Michelle then gets her coveted one-on-one time with Jake and he kicks her off. After a forced first kiss, she basically tells Jake the kiss sucked and if he can't give her what she wants, she's outta there. Granted, we're used to her veiled threats by now, but Jake takes the bait and boots her right there! Amazing. We love a rule-abiding bachelor who doesn't play by the rules. Yay Jake, and boo Michelle. While we wish you could stay around for guaranteed drama, but we also realize you're certifiably crazy and would be best suited for hard time. After the boot, Jake is too strained to give out a rose and sees himself home. Poor Jake.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one between Jake and Ella the Tennessean mom. It's heli-date #2 as the two are whisked away to Sea World. Um...what? Yes, let's pretend we think this is cool, and go with it. Jake gives Ella her birthday present, which is the arrival of her 7-year-old son Ethan. Her reaction utterly sucks, and she barely freaks. I was hoping for legit tears and body shakes, but we're left with a half-assed hug. I was also hoping that Ethan would ask Jake for his toy plane back, but he didn't. We're also forced to see Ella's bedazzled nails. Yes...she is a Tennessee-based hair dresser...are we surprised?!? Very little happens on this date besides the expected: Jake doesn't kiss Ella in front of the kid and he gives her a rose because she's a mom and he'd be a dick if he didn't.

Meanwhile, Vienna talks to the b*tches at home and apologizes for being horrible. They hate her regardless. Ali calls her out and Vienna cries for the second time in the episode. Boring. I'm a little nervous that Ali is going to be too outspoken thus jeopardizing her position as best bachelorette, but we'll have to wait and see if it continues...

At the pre-rose ceremony, Elizabeth does nothing for her "don't kiss me" case as Jake labels her a "tease." Then Vienna interrupts them and Elizabeth cries. Yes, Vienna was wearing a bedazzled turquoise dress and we all collectively barfed. Jake is a confused mess and he contemplates his future before handing out the roses.

He chooses:
1) Vienna
2) Ella
3) Gia
4) Corrie
5) Tenley
6) Ali
7) Jessie
8) Kathryn
9) Ashleigh

Bye: Michelle (crazy), Elizabeth (no kisses please), and Valishia (we didn't know who you were anyway).

Awards:
1) Best quote: "Michelle doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist." - Elizabeth
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Sexy kisser: Jake. Yum.
4) Quote #2: "I am 29 and I could have had a husband by now." - Elizabeth. While your first quote was killer, you just screwed yourself with this one. Um...you don't have a husband, and you ain't gonna get one by not kissing anyone. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Imperial, Nebraska.

Until next week,

Mike

Don't Bone the Help

2010-01-11T21:17:00.018-05:00

So the wheat has separated from the shaft and we're on to episode two. Ha ha...shaft. Before the night even begins, we're promised some killer drama, as someone will be forced to leave. Yes...this is why we love The Bachelor. These women are D-R-A-M-A with a capital "mess."

Three dates tonight: two group dates and a one-on-one. Here we go.

The first date, which will hereafter be known as "Boobs and Bods" brings six lovely-ish ladies bod-to-bod with Jake at the Shangri-La in Santa Monica for a photo shoot and the inevitable first pool scene. Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh get to spend the day with the staff of InStyle. Christina is self conscious because she's not a model. And guess what? She drinks too much to compensate. Rozlyn and Gia bring out their respective saline-inspired girls, and it's almost too much. But who am I to complain about two rockin'--although fake--racks? It's just not my place. The night brings upon lots of predicted firsts: bikinis; pool scenes; straddling; rooftop kisses, you name it. One key takeaway is that Jake isn't necessarily the best at forced intimacy and he seems a bit uncomfortable, but he tries his best. The first rose goes to a very deliberate Rozlyn, who seems quite focused on winning. To heighten the tension, ABC did a fantastic job of vilifying her with some killer music and dramatic cinematic techniques. And we have our cunning vixen, folks. Let's see how the season unfolds. I hope Rozlyn's ta-tas can hold their shape through the rocky ride...er...turbulent flight ahead.

The second date is one for the books. Ali gets the first one-on-one, and I couldn't be happier. (Reminder: I already heart her.) Flying Date Number 1 involves Ali confronting her fear of flying from the outset (after awkwardly riding on the back of Jake's hog in a dress, of course), as Jake sweeps her up in the air on a flight to Palm Springs. Before I get in to the date further, I must confess that I had to get up and...well...pretty much barf up my dinner when ABC played "On the Wings of Love" as they flew over LA. What is this, 1982? WAIT...I Googled the song to check...and I'm serious. It was on Jeffrey Osborne's album released in 1982!!!! For those of you who have been with me for some time, you know that 82 is a special number. Wow. Okay, back to reality. The lovebugs land in Palm Springs, and they drive in a hot car to a romantic outdoor dinner where Ali just shows us all that she's too cute for words. We love her. So does Jake. If there was one hiccup to Ali, it was the names of her past boys (Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan...and now Jake) but we're over it. Dinner ends and, wait for it, they're greeted by a private concert by Chicago. I DIE. Just die. "Saturday," "You're the Inspiration," are you kidding me?!? Too cool. They dance, they kiss, it's amazing. She gets a rose.

The last date is another group go around, and this time it's with Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley and Vienna (which leaves Ella, Michelle and Tenley down for the count, for those keeping score at home). The girls go with Jake to Six Flags, where they have the park to themselves. Sidenote: will any dates surprise us anymore? Who's in charge of planning the dates for this show? Because that's gotta be one thankless job. I can just see it. "Ooh, I have an idea, let's have them hop on a small plane and/or helicopter!" Nope, done it. "How about candlelight dinner with a private concert." Done that every season. "And what about..." Nope, already done it. Back to the date. Elizabeth takes Jake aside and reads him a love letter in which she asks Jake not to kiss her until she's the final one standing. Jake looks at her like she's a crazy, and so does America. But whatever. Vienna steps up next, and confesses a life full of bad dye jobs. I mean, she confesses that she eloped at age 18 after being engaged months before to another guy, a preacher's son, at the age of 17. Guess that's what happens in central Florida. Elizabeth gets the rose and they don't kiss about it. I'm going to get really sick of non-kissing. It's old, and it's only been one date.

Meanwhile, at the manse, Michelle is pissed and she's packing up to leave because she's a crazy woman who didn't get a date. Surprise! But surprise, she doesn't leave because she's a crazy woman. Yup.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, the drama really begins. Someone's been boning the help...but who, you ask, dunnit? One guess: this season's Villain! Yay, it's Rozlyn and she's sketchy! Chris confronts her about her inappropriate relationship with a staffer who has since been let go (thanks for causing the recession, Roz), and Rozlyn replies with "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Sorry...it's too good. I gave it an award; please see my comment below. So, Rozlyn and her non-wrinkles are sent packing. But kudos to Rozlyn for making it this far. When your name is eerily similar to a Long Island suburb known for tragic accents and is proof that stereotypes are based on fact (yes, Roslyn), you can't have it all! Jake is sad, although he surprisingly fights back tears. On that note, let's make a bet. How many episodes until Jake cries? I vote the tears come in episode 4.

A few last notes: Tenley doesn't tell Jake about her ex-husband; Michelle gets some one-on-one time and oddly convinces Jake that's she's not bat-sh*t-crazy; and Jake gives Ella a birthday cupcake.

Rose ceremony:
1) Rozlyn. JUST KIDDING!
2) Ali
3) Elizabeth
4) Vienna
5) Gia
6) Tenley
7) Ella
8) Valishia
9) Corrie
10) Jessie
11) Ashleigh
12) Michelle. Ugh...
13) Kathryn

Adios: Rozlyn, Christina, Ashley. Byeeeee.

Awards:
1) Best date: Ali and Jake's cutescapade.
2) Frontrunner: Ali
3) Crazy: Yep, it's still you, Michelle.
4) Quote: "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business."--Rozlyn. Um, yes it is. You're on The Bachelor. It's America's business, my business, and Jake's business too. But mostly it's mine.

So we've got 12 ladies left, and lots of disaster yet to unfold. So hold tight...and I'll see you next week.

Mike

One-way Flight to Disaster

2010-01-05T09:29:00.006-05:00

Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard flight 82 with nonstop service to Disaster. The boarding door has now been closed, and we are ready for departure. Please make sure all seats and tray tables are in the full, upright, and locked position, and that all electronic devices are turned off and stowed. In addition, please ensure all carry-on baggage is fully under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. The seat belt sign has been illuminated, so we ask that you remain seated until the pilot has reached cruising altitude, and it is safe to move around the cabin. As you may have noticed, our flight is full of 25 hot messes vying for Jake's love; thus we expect a rather bumpy ride. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the three-month flight to Disaster. And again, due to the premise of this show, the piss-poor track record of its success, and the quality of women selected this season, the flight may be a bit turbulent. Thanks for your allegiance to The Bachelor Airways; we all know that during these trying times you have many choices in air carriers, and we thank you for continuing your love of self-inflicted harm by flying the Disastrous Skies.

How's that for an opener to what promises to be a season full of awkward and forced pilot references? Boys, girls, and lovers, welcome back. How many seasons has it been? And why are we still watching this? Because it's a mess and we just can't help ourselves. Oh, also you all love me and my e-antics. Or perhaps Jake's abs just beckoned you a little too much and you gave in once again. As we begin another season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, the age-old conundrum confronts us again. Which do we like more? One comment from my unbelievably attractive couch mate last night bemoaned the lack of 25 sexy men. I countered with the guaranteed drama and cattiness of 25 girls, and the argument was put to a delayed rest. (I'll get back to you on my final verdict.) What we're stuck with is this: 6 rock hard abs and 25 idiot girls (give or take a few good ones), and we love it.

I'll race right through the opening section of gratuitous abs and shirtless scenes, Jake's scripted voice over, and the lead up to the girls' arrival, and jump right into the runway show of this season's 25 hoes. I won't comment on each of the 25, but I will pick out a few gems. First off, has our Texas quota been lowered this season? I usually expect a good 20% of the cast to be big-haired and Texan, but this season we're just stuck with a few chicks and Jake himself. Boring. But what we lack in Texas-two-stepping mall hair, we make up in...GASP...Canadians. Good god, wasn't Jillian enough? We're forced to accept two (count them, two) chicks from Canadia, full of stories of their mythical land to the North? Listen, I'm 30 now (OMG that happened just over a week ago and my anti-wrinkle regimen has fully begun), and I'm no longer interested in fantasy-based fairy tales. Canada is pretend, just admit it. A few more notes: Jessie's (from Canada) dress is a sparkly red-black vampire disaster; Vienna is an overdyed Floridian transplant from what I'm sure was Jersey; Valishia is a "homemaker" (WTF...don't you have to be married to be a "homemaker"?!?!); Channy the Cambodian Tranny is just that; and roughly 80% of the chicks made, you guessed it, awkward pilot/flight references in their introductions. Another note: Jake has a bad tendency to end introductions and/or conversations and/or awkward moments by going in for the friendly hug. Jake is an awkward hugger and he uses it as a defense mechanism. Stay tuned all season for more!

Once inside, our smiley, bad-tie-wearing Jake greets his brood and the antics begin. Dirty landing strip jokes (thanks, Tranny), costumes, football games and a ridiculous game of "airplane" immediately commence. Jillian and Ed show up to help Jake decide who is crazy and who is crazier, and we get some good moments. Michelle quickly rises to the top as this season's resident Lovestruck Crazy Person, as her love tears begin streaming almost immediately because she just can't help being in love with Jake upon meeting him and she is here for love and she's going to win damn it! But wait, you're crazy, and no, you're not going to win.

The first kiss goes to Tenley, a divorced blondie, who immediately freaks out to the camera after forcing herself on Jake because she has only "been with" one man, and this was her first "real kiss" since her ex-husband. Wait, a peck on the lips is a "real kiss"? Um...so my first "real kiss" was at age two when I laid on top of my neighbor and forcibly kissed her? Amazing. Ali, one of my early favorites, rips her dress when first talking to Jake, and it's cute. Also, Ella, the hair-dressing mom of a 7-year-old gives Jake her son's favorite toy: a metal airplane. Was I the only one horrified that this mother STOLE her child's toy to give it to a stranger?!?!? This one won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon. But then again, what Tennessee-based divorced hair dresser would...

The much-anticipated First Impression Rose goes to Tenley, even after her freak out. I must say, I have a small-ish soft spot in my heart for anyone in college admissions, so I'll excuse her premature tears. But I think Ali and/or Elizabeth from Nebraska should have gotten it because I like them more.

The rose ceremony takes our 25 down to 15, and we're left with:

Tenley
Rozlyn
Ali
Jessie (I won't comment on her dress or her Canadian-ness)
Ella
Kathryn
Vienna
Corrie
Valishia (I won't comment on her name)
Gia (I won't comment on her boobs and/or her "swimsuit model" job title)
Elizabeth
Ashley
Christina
Ashleigh
Michelle

Nothing much more to say here besides the clips of the season to come hint at WAY too much drama. So much fun! Then again, this happens each season and the drama never really packs the punch we're promised. Let's hope this season it does. Clearly, Jake will cry like 12 times this season, but will the tears be warranted?

Awards:
1) Top Four Frontrunners: Ali, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kathryn
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Worst Dress: Jessie, the Canadian. How did that mess make it through customs?
4) Best sign-off after getting the boot: "I wanted to be co-pilot, but I'm just waving goodbye from the tarmac." --Tiana...awesome.

Until next week,
Mike

The Boyfriend versus the Best Friend versus OMFG

2009-07-28T00:14:00.003-04:00

It's the night we've been dating for. Jillian is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. It's the boyfriend versus the best friend. Kiptyn versus Ed. Straight versus gay. Hot and sexy versus tank tops and short shorts. I'm not going to go on and on...so let's get to it. Of course, I was busy BYOBing at a killer dinner with the Family while this aired live, so here I am after midnight doing this bullsh*t for all of you, thankyouverymuch...

First we have to meet Jillian's family. Ed is Ed, and her family likes him. Kiptyn is better and they like him more. So there. That covers 60 minutes of the episode. Everyone agrees that Kiptyn wins, he's more balanced. More cautious, yes, but more genuine and in love with her. Ed is all talk and show and we know it. He's also caught up in the moment and doesn't know anything because he wears short shorts. We're all left to wonder: is it really there with Ed? Because it's clearly there with Kip.

Now it's time for date number two. Ed wears a tank top and short shorts as they fly around volcanoes during another heli-date and then change into Aquasocks because it's 1992. Later, he confesses his love for the 82nd time and we're over it.

Kiptyn is next, and he comes right out to the camera with his love for Jillian. Yes!! He's finally there and we love him and all 10 of his 10-pack. On the date it's make-or-break time with Jillian, and he makes it. Jillian soon admits that Kip is "the best catch I've ever met in my entire life." Yeah, you and the rest of us, Jill. They bone again because who wouldn't, and then it's time for the Big Day.

Jillian wakes up and tells us how she feels over forced coffee and awkward, pensive scenes on the balcony. Kip is "the perfect package" and Ed is "fun with good energy." Um...what? I think we have our decision, lovers. She "knows" what she's going to do, and we're not surprised. We're also not surprised when Kiptyn chooses a gorgeous ring, and Ed chooses an ugly one.

Meanwhile, Jillian is getting dressed in her I'm-gonna-get-engaged dress. Kip is the first to arrive. He confesses his love to her in a sweet and nervous way, and as soon as he drops the L bomb, we know her decision. It's written all over her face. And I vomit inside (thankfully not out). "I've fallen in love with someone else," is her response. I hate it. ED?!? REALLY?!?! Kiptyn leaves us tearfully (well, almost) as he drives off into oblivion and out of our lives forever. Ugh...back to his life of breaking hearts because he now knows that being heartbroken blows.

But wait. As I predicted, the love of our collective lives comes back to confess his much delayed love and we immediately forget about Kiptyn. Reid rolls up in a minivan and a bad outfit, and sweetly and wonderfully confesses the love we all (and Jillian) know he had and PROPOSES!!! I'll be the first to admit that the proposal is WAY too much, and Reid should have held his Philly horses for a minute and just proposed getting another chance. It's all in the delivery, Reid, and you messed it up. Regardless, ABC fools us for a hot minute as Jillian is dumbfounded and needs to think about it. Wait...let's be honest...she really does need to think about it because she deep-down knows he's the one and she loves him. But visions of kelly green short shorts are dancing through her head, and she sends Reid packing once again. (With help from Chris. FYI Chris, we're in a fight. Don't push her into a doomed relationship. It's just silly and you're eventually going to lose your job after all these failed relationships!) REID, WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!

And then Ed shows up, proposes, and they get engaged. Whoop-de-doo. I'm over it.

Until never,

Mike.

p.s. I just might be forced to blog the upcoming hit, "More to Love." It's the Fat Bachelor, or hereafter "The Fatchelor," and I'm already obsessed. Stay tuned. Ha, The Fatchelor, that's good if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Shout out to my dreamboat for giving me the final rose and not making me deal with any of this BS.

The Dudes Tell All

2009-07-20T22:24:00.003-04:00

I know, I know, my blogcode dictates that I don't blog the "Bitches/Dudes Tell All" episode, but I have a few comments. And then I'm done and off to the dreamboat.

The Reid Conspiracy is still fully alive. Dude is still in the running, I swear.

-"I wasn't ready to let him go," says Jillian with a coy smirk, when discussing her heartbreaking goodbye to Reid. Catch that smirk? She's on to something...and hopefully it's on top of Reid.

-Reid is not present at the episode due to a "prior engagement." Like a pending engagement to Jillian?

-Mancode. ENOUGH ALREADY! David is still dead to us, even with his bearded disguise.

Until next week...

Mike

p.s. My blogcode also dictates that, time to time, I blog in real time. As evidenced tonight...when I posted this before I saw the scenes from the finale. BITCHES, I've still got it. Until next week...when Reid comes back!

To Bone or Not To Bone...2.0

2009-07-13T21:47:00.003-04:00

So we got major blue balls last week with NO ONE getting a real invite to the fantasy suite...so we're left hoping for some love making this week. And...well...we'll get there.

We're in Hawaii now, and it's time to turn up the volume. Can I get a naked hot tub scene up in here? It's been weeks, and good lord, I've had it. We need some shirtless dudes, topless chicks, and full on boning, thankyouverymuch. Or possibly a Viagra prescription...

First up is Kiptyn, bald spot and all. He arrives to Maui and is whisked away to a ropes course with little Jilly. Take this from a former ropes course guide (two summers in North Carolina, what?)...their little trist in the sky could have been a little tougher. What were they, 30 feet up? I spent two summers 50 feet in the air, so clearly I'm more hard core than Kiptyn and his bulging biceps. And I also like dudes, which makes me majorly hard core and masculine. So there. After their leap of faith and a cute little zip line, they have a romantic dinner during which Kiptyn is very much in to her. He's kind of turned the corner, folks. Is this guy falling for her? I actually think he is. The fantasy date is turned up a bit when they spend the night together...and here's hoping she grabbed hold of those arms and went for a wild ride.

Next up is my favorite contender, Reid. I'm going on a limb and labeling him the cutest contender left. And I'm sticking to it like a Philly cheesesteak sticks to your ribs and giant ass. These two are BY FAR the most physically in to each other, and my HDTV steamed right up as the lovers made out throughout the entire date. Reid finally takes his first (albeit inevitable) helicopter ride. After a scenic tour of Maui, they have a cute picnic where Reid surprises no one by not finding the right words to express his near love for Jillian. I, for one, find it pretty cute because he's so clearly falling for her and she totally knows it. She kind of annoyingly presses for the words during the picnic and again later, but sometimes you have to just settle for that look in the eyes, right? They're so affectionate and falling in love and we all know it. At dinner, Reid once again admits his indecisive nature. He also admits to being scared when he's offered the fantasy suite...but that fades away as they snuggle and bone in the hot tub. It was hot, ladies and ladies...hot with a capital Reid.

Last comes Ed. Or is he now Big Gay Ed? He spent the damn date in a tank top and short shorts. Who else thinks this 'mo took a swing (or 8) through Boystown during his little hiatus back in Chicago? Me, me, me!!! Okay, I'm g-a-y and I don't even know where to find a swimsuit with a 1-inch inseam. Give me a break. And someone pour that Nancy a cosmo. But back to the date. Ed and Jillian sail and swim in gay outfits and then, surprise!!, they go meet his parents. Total Midwest, and I love it. The time with his mom and dad was a bit forced, and Jillian took the route of used car salesman, as she totally tried to sell herself and her relationship with their short-short-wearing son. Ed pretends like he's falling in love with Jillian and that he's ready for engagement...but let's be honest. He's just trying to say the right thing so he can get out of there because his balls are being suffocated little by little in his swimsuit.

At the end of the day, Ed and Jillian go to the fantasy suite to...um...not connect physically. Dude's nads were probably malfunctioning from lack of oxygen, and although Ed said all the right things, his little man had NOTHING to say, and there was ZERO romance during their sexy time. Too bad for Ed and Little Ed...

Before the rose ceremony, we're greeted by video confessionals from the boys. Kiptyn's was cute, and expectedly macho and surfer dude bro-ish...but fine. Reid's was perhaps the cutest to date. He fully opened up, and you could tell he was so genuinely ready to grow with Jillian. Although he called himself her "honeybear," I cleaned up my vomit and moved on because we're all in love with Reid and want him to marry us. (Except for me b/c I'm in love with my own honeybear and I want him to marry me.) And then Ed and his non-balls drops the "L" bomb. ARE YOU KIDDING?!? I just can't. Jillian's reaction was classic. Total drop-jaw. And I loved it.

At the rose ceremony, Jillian is a little messy. Before she makes her decision, she asks to talk to Ed. Surprisingly wearing pants, Ed obliges and chats with Jillian. He again says all the right things and assures her that he's a-okay. I don't think she bought it. And his suit SUCKS. Who is this guy?

1) Kiptyn
2) Ed.

WHAT?!?!? Are you F-ING KIDDING ME?!?! I'm done and I hate this show. Best of luck with a guaranteed unsuccessful relationship with a) a dumper, or b) a gay in short shorts and a bad suit.

Mike

p.s. Don't bother applying to be the next bachelor. Reid, you're the guy.

To Bone or Not To Bone...emphasis on "NOT"

2009-07-07T10:57:00.003-04:00

It's the highly-anticipated "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and, well, we're left with blue balls. Ain't no action to be had on this episode, lovers. But wait...let me preface this with my famous life. I did not watch the episode live last night, as I was otherwise engaged in a three-way with Red Sox, Fenway, and beer. It's vacation week, my friends, and I'm making the most out of a tri-state trip with a blue-eyed stud and lots of fun. I had initially hired Baby Jesus to guest blog, but he bailed last minute. So here I am. A day later...but still full committed.

Hola mis amigos, y bienvenidos a Espana.

First up is Kiptyn, who joins Jillian in Madrid for a date filled with dancing, kissing, and awkward camera shots of his bald spot. Ooops...luckily Jillian is too short to see his balding tendencies. That way, she can devote more attention to his bulging package in flamenco pants. The lovebugs learn some flamenco and dance for each other. The date was fine, but to be honest, I think Kiptyn is a little less in to Jillian than we may have hoped. He's also a net zero. Well, not zero. With abs like that you're definitely in the positive, but I don't think he adds much in the personality factor. At dinner, they're presented with the Fantasy Suite invite from Chris, and Jillian rejects it! Don't worry, the theme continues...and we all collectively yawn at Jillian's lack of promiscuity. Boring. They cuddle instead and share an awkward evening of no sex and disappointment.

Next, Jillian meets Reid in Sevilla for a MUCH cuter date full of connection and affection. They are very cute together, and the chemistry is clearly there. It seems "effortless," as Reid so aptly observes, and we love him for that. We all laugh as they muddle their way through Spanish to have a fun day together. Reid definitely stepped it up this date as he was pretty open with his feelings (even his cute jealousy). The date ends with no Fantasy Suite once again, and I'm completely happy that the much-publicized performance anxiety clips courtesy of ABC do NOT star our beloved Reid. I'm clearly dying to know who they do, eventually, star. Right?!? But thank goodness it wasn't Reid tonight! Reid ends it perfectly by saying, "Ella tiene mi corazon." Babelfish that mess.

Ed, back in black, is next. We stay in Sevilla for this date which is basically a 20-minute makeout fest. It's all about PDA here, and I love it. They are making up for lost ground in a major way, and it's borderline absurd. At this point I'm annoyed that Jillian is continually saying "doing good" instead of "doing well," but what do we expect out of Canadians? Perfection? I think not. Just bacon. Ed gets the closest with the Fantasy Suite, after he convinces Jillian to hang out more, and they sleep with their clothes on. Here's hoping at least a sock came off...

And lastly, our special friend Wes meets Jillian in Barthelona (yes, with a "th" and not a "c") for an Oscar-worthy performance. The Oscar for horrendous acting, of course. His game is up, folks, and it's just so clear. But before the date, he had a great quote about Barthelona delivered in his signature twang: "I had a number one single in Chihuahua, Mexico, so I'm comfortable around Spanish people." Because everyone knows that Mexico and Spain are one in the same. And that Mexicans are Spanish. You know you're from Texas when...

But back to the date. Wes recites his memorized script with great lines about how they're great together and such, but manages to forget about the romance and affection girls need when they like you. It's pretty brilliant that they made it through a whole date with not ONE kiss. I mean, Wes is truly a scumbag, so you'd think he'd fully mount up on her and try to bone her, not stay so far away. Even if his beloved girlfriend is back on the ranch...who really cares when you're a DB? Clearly he's too focused on his lines to fully commit to the performance. At dinner, Jillian comes with the full court press. She calls him out on doing this for the wrong reasons. Wes responds basically agreeing, and throwing his manager under the bus. He clearly did this for fame, and guess what, he's not going to get it. The awkward date gets fully amped up when Jillian asks him point blank about Laurel. She asks him to tell him what he said to Jake, to which (cue the record scratching) he responds, "My girlfriend...I mean...my ex-girlfriend." JIGGA WHAT?!? JIGGA WHO?!? And scene.

Back at the rose ceremony, we know Wes has played his last number one single in Chihuahua when he tells the boys that "If it's me (referring to him being the one going home) I'll be back at home having lots of sex." I can't even comment because my response would be so witty your heads would explode.

And roses go to:

1) Ed

2) Reid

3) Kiptyn

Bye to the DB of the year: Wes.

Awards.

1) DB: Wes. Congrats on winning once again, hereby establishing you as the DB of the entire series, let alone this season.

2) Frontrunner: Reid with Ed closing in.

3) Best drunk, idiotic, black-out limo ride home: Wes. "I'm the first guy to make it to the final four with a girlfriend." And 82 other drunken, ridiculous quotes about boning Spanish chicks that night and "cutting off the chains."

4) Next to go home: Kiptyn.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. I'll be back next week, fully bronzed after a week on the beach. Get ready for that mess.

Blind as an Austin Bat

2009-06-30T11:44:00.004-04:00

Lovers, our beloved Jillian hit a new low this episode, and I'm still reeling from it. She's been duped, my friends, by a honky-tonk hillbilly hungry for fame...and it's just so hard to watch. But I'll get to that mess later. It's the hometown date night and we have five families to meet. So let's get to it! [N.B. we have five (5) families to meet as opposed to four, so our time with them is a bit short. Thus, we're a bit short on drama this go around. Sad, but true.]

We're cheesesteak-bound first. Jillian meets a very cutely-dressed Reid in his hometown of Philly; and things amped up like a cheeze-whiz induced heart attack. After checking out some good views, we meet his cute family at their cute house. Reid's family notices how affectionate they are, and there is literally no drama. Dad, my favorite character in this visit, gives his son great advice: "Take risks." He was very sweet and Jillian fell more for Reid during this date.

Next we're headed to California to meet Michael and his hyper family. His twin brother is just that: his twin. There is a lot of jumping and screaming throughout the date, and all goes according to hyper plan. Even the failed "switcheroo" when Michael and his twin try to fool Jillian by switching outfits. It lasts all of 2 seconds before she catches on. At the end of the date, Michael and Jillian finally kiss...for the first and (let's be honest) last time. Although I actually think Michael likes her now.

We stay in Cali for the next date, but this time it's with Kiptyn. His family is rich, educated, and totally California, complete with the blonde, overdone mother and the pretty plastic McMansion. You can tell Jilly is all about her beloved Kiptyn. His parents test her palate by giving her a lasagna and wine taste test (to see the best lasagna and wine) and she passes. Aww...the little hick from up North can do it! There was minor drama here when the overbearing, 80s-haired mom questioned Jillian and her quest for "unconditional love" (mom doesn't believe in it), but all went according to plan. Also, the family pulled a little joke on Jillian and her tendency for racy hot tub scenes by roping off their hot tub with caution tape. Hilarious. But they cut through that mess and got wet anyway.

Next we go a bit further north in California to visit Jesse's family on the farm. They own and run a winery, and their a bit hippy and fun. His caveman brother is anti-relationship and surprised at Jesse's affection for Jillian. But is Jesse's heart still too cold for love? Best quote of the date (by brother): "Have you guys been naked together?" Brills. Jesse, the "emotional ice cube" seems to really be falling for Jillian, and the date ends with a cute dance party/jam session with the family band (complete with Jesse on drums).

We end the night with a visit to Austin, TX. Please note the "Blind as an Austin Bat" reference above. The date begins with Wes getting free national air time for his stupid band, while his voiceover says, "The ultimate goal is getting our new CD to do well." Well, you got what you wanted. And shame on you, ABC, for giving it to him. Ridiculous. Wes has hereby fully cemented his role as Douchebag of the Year (DOY) and I hate him. My favorite quote, which underlies the whole evening, "I'm not a good liar." Thanks Wes. We know. Your intentions are written all over your face, but apparently Jillian doesn't seem them. She's too busy listening to your awful music. But hey, Canadians aren't known for their musical prowess.

Then...dun dun dun...Jake shows up to tell Jillian that he has a girlfriend, and that Wes confided this in him throughout the show. Laurel (she has a name!!), the beloved lover, and Wes are still in a relationship. Amazing. I heart Jake and his cheesy smile.

Meanwhile, Wes disengenuously tells Jillian that he really likes her (glad he's in music and not acting). "I'm not a good liar." Barf. The direction in this scene was brilliant. Way to feed him the lines, ABC.

Later, Jake knocks on Jillian's door, and a befuddled Jillian lets him in expecting he wants her back. But no...he's here to spill the dirt, but in a cute, Jake-like way. He's all emotional, and he finally tells her about Wes's girlfriend and that he's a total DB. Deep down we know that Jillian knows he's telling the truth, especially since he came with no motive but to be honest. He doesn't want Jillian to take him back, he wants her to save herself from hurt and heartbreak. Clearly she has blinders on, because during the confrontation later she kind of sides with Wes by giving him a chance. But more on that later. Jake leaves Jillian to her thoughts and tells her to call him if he's needed.

Wes then shows up, and walks in the door with a "What's up, momma?" Are you kidding? Momma??? Jillian gives him a chance to come clean, and he, free of emotion, denies it by saying "That's crazy." Okay, if you were faced with a completely false accusation by someone for whom you were genuinely were falling, wouldn't you muster at least a semblance of emotion and anger? Wes, being a lying sack of bat dung, simply says it's a lie, and says he likes her and that she's pretty. Um...what? Wes, I officially hate you and so does America. And your band sucks. So best of luck with your life. He muddles through a few more lies before Jillian wants Jake to join them so the real truth will come out.

Well, we're still waiting for that. Because Wes continues to deny it all when Jake arrives, and tries to drag Jake through the mud. After a slightly-heated confrontation, Jillian gives Wes one LAST chance to come clean. He clears his throat twice (um...ever heard of dead-on signs of a liar?!?!?!) and he denies it. It doesn't work, but a dumbfounded and blind Jillian keeps him around and decides to meet his family. Meanwhile, Jake weeps outside her room. Yikes...

The visit with Wes's family is fine, even though the whole family clearly lied to Jillian when they brought up the matter of the girlfriend. One sister said, "People will always be jealous of you, Wesley. You have it all." What? A failing career, a mediocre band, graying/thinning hair and a spare tire? If that's "it all," consider me, well, famous.

Then the shocker of the century (and by "shocker" I mean we saw it coming from 8200 miles away), Ed comes back and asks that Jillian give him another chance. Surprise!! Clearly she invites him to the rose ceremony.

At the rose ceremony, Ed shows up to make it six. Two will be sent home. Roses go to:
1) Reid
2) Kiptyn
3) Ed...I'm not surprised
4) Wes...ugh

Bye: Michael and Jesse.

While I'm not surprised that Michael and Jesse are homeward-bound, I'm still shocked by her choice of Wes. I mean, she has GOT to know he's bad news bears. If not, I'm breaking up with her.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes
2) Blind as an Austin Bat: Jillian (If you don't get the "Austin Bat" reference, Google that mess. They're so cool! And they made an appearance tonight during stock Austin footage.)
3) Frontrunner: Reid. But Kip and Ed are close behind.

Until next week (get excited, it's "To Bone Or Not To Bone" night!!!),

Mike

Polar Bear Express

2009-06-23T09:34:00.003-04:00

This damn Canadian adventure never seems to end. And neither does my ridiculous devotion to this show. After a killer workout followed by a yummy dinner, I came home to relax and hit the sack with the sexiest roommate one could ask for. But my DVR beckoned from across the room. Two seconds later, that bitch was fired up and there I sat, hungry for more of this wretched trainwreck called "The Bachelor/Bachelorette."

Tonight, the boys and Jillian rode an actual train through the tundra, or, if you want to get technical, they rode the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilderness. After two episodes in "Vancouver," we're transported to another "territory" called "Alberta," where the team takes in the sites via choo-choo. Okay, okay, the toy train is cute. So let's get to it.

The first one-on-one date goes to Robby, the oddly cute and charming bartender. From the beginning, I'm pretty sure he's secured a rose because Jillian and he have connected since the beginning. There's just one catch: what does he bring to the table? He's 25, underemployed, and has no direction in life. It's time to bring out the big guns, Robby. He starts by making drinks. Okay, hammering home the fact that you're a bartender is not going to win over the woman looking for a guy ready to settle down and father her children. And neither will saying things like, "I'm not sure what my future holds, I'm kinda between jobs" or whatever he rambled on about when asked if he's really ready to settle down. As the date progressed, her lack of interest increased, and by the end of this little train ride, the Rocky Mountaineer rumbled to a stop, and Robby was booted without a rose. Jillian tried her best to feign sadness, but honestly, I don't think dropping Robby in the wilderness was too hard for her. Child is a 25-year-old aimless bartender. He ain't husband material. Adios, Robby. And make it dirty, on the rocks, please.

After her "rough" goodbye, our country swooner sweeps in to comfort Jillian. Wes snuggles with Jillian, she melts into his arms, and he gets a few more minutes of cherished air time. His voice over puts it perfectly: "I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger." Getting a little cocky, are we Wes? More on that mess later...

The second date is with Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake and Kiptyn. Tanner withstanding, it's like the battle of the hotties. Although there is no battle whatsoever. Instead, they go snowshoeing through the North Country, while Reid is left back on the train to contemplate his upcoming one-on-one with Jillian, and to let his neuroses get the best of him (glasses or no glasses?). But back on the date, nothing really happens. Jake is cheesy, Kiptyn talks to much, Tanner takes of his pants...the usual. Wait, what? Yes. When Michael brings up the awkward conversation topic of what Jillian wears to bed, Tanner jumps in and strips down to his manties (man-panties, for those not in the know). A little odd. But not as odd as Jillian saying to the camera, when talking about his package, that "it was huge," followed by Tanner admitting that he's "blessed." Child, you didn't get blessed with anything but the ugly stick and a freaky foot fetish. Start packing for Dallas. And take the sock out of your pants.

More boys spend one-on-one time with her after the event. Tanner plays with her feet, Jesse remains a frontrunner, Michael is basically her brother and is yet to form any sort of romantic connection...it's all to be expected.

At the end of the date, our beloved and wordy Kiptyn gets the rose while sharing the hot tub with a bunch of shirtless dudes.

Later, the boys share some boy time and it's all about confessions. Tanner comes out of the closet with his admission that he was the dude that dropped the Girlfriend Bomb on Jillian. The dudes all don't seem to mind, with one exception: Wes. Hmmm...wonder why? Next, Wes has a great line: "I've made it six shows so far...I've got what I wanted." Obviously this is all in reference to the fact that he has gotten the exposure he was after, and if he happens to be in the running for the girl, that's just a nice byproduct. Gross. We hate Wes. Go back to Austin. Wait, don't. I like Austin, and I don't want you ruining it with your conniving ways. Go to Dallas or something fake like that.

The next morning, Jake visits Jillian in her room-slash-train car. Honestly, he's cute, he's got a killer smile, but dude is C-H-E-E-S-Y. He tells her, in his goopy way, that he really likes her. Jillian, not a gifted thespian, simply cannot hide the fact that she's completely over him. She thanks him for being so honest, but not in a girlfriend sort of way...more in a first-grade teacher teaching a lesson about honesty and trust. It was almost painful to see her response to Jake's confession, as it lacked even an ounce of emotion. Negative points for Jake for not noticing that she could care less what he thinks. Hopefully you're more in tune with reality when you're piloting commercial flights.

The last date is the one-on-one with Reid. And, while I may be in the minority here, he completely won me over. Not only is he really cute (both with glasses and without, thank you), he is a total loony toon, in the best possible way. Dude is neurotic, OCD and tends to over analyze everything. Hmmm...he's basically the straight version of me. Clearly he's amazing.

Anyway, more about me...I mean...the date. Reid and Jillian snowboard near Lake Louise, and Reid, the perfectionist, is a mess. He totally can't do it, but he plays it off well. Jillian loves that he tried something he's not good at, and she liked seeing him take a chance. They share an outdoor cocktail at a scenic overlook made of ice. I'm talking chairs, table, glasses...it was all ice. So fun. After a beer or eight, they snuggle and kiss and it's cute. Reid says that red ears mean you're horny. They kiss some more. And my ears get red on the couch.

Later, the snowbirds snuggle up for a dinner of fondue. Reid is totally freaked out by the concept of fondue, and it's hilarious. Hey, at least he admits his neuroses and goes with it. I think with each admission, he charms her more. He's quirky, different from the other guys, but seems to be carving out a little spot in Jillian's heart because he's just being himself. Are they perfect on paper? No. But they're a good match. All in all, the date was great and we love our Reid, crazy tendencies and all. Jillian agrees, and he gets a rose.

The rose ceremony is next, but before Jillian hands out the roses, she takes Michael aside to ask if he's really serious about her. We all know that he's not, and that they have ZERO chemistry and all he wants is his big break...but apparently he muddled his way through an acceptable response. Crazy.

Roses go to:
1) Kiptyn
2) Reid
3) Jesse
4) Wes
5) Michael. WHAT?!?

Bye: Robby, Jake, Tanner.

I actually kind of though Jake or Tanner (more like Tanner) would stay for one more week. But now we're subject to a family visit with Michael, and it's bound to be uncomfortable and overacted.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes. You suck. And so do your songs.
2) Frontrunners: Kiptyn and Jesse.
3) Comeback Kid: Reid.

Until next week,

Mike

No Drama

2009-06-15T20:01:00.008-04:00

Live from Milwaukee (are you sensing a once-a-season theme here?), I've postponed dinner plans to blog for you all. So eat this up like it's your job because I've had to search high and low for a restaurant open past 9pm in this town so I can watch this mess AND eventually eat dinner. Ridiculous. Beers have been delivered via room service, though, and I'm ready to watch (big shout out to New Glarus Brewing Co.'s Spotted Cow--it's my favorite Wisconsin beer for sure).

So while I've traveled West, the boys remain in the North Country to continue to woo a slightly bruised Jillian. We're in Whistler this week, lovers, so let the drama begin. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date tonight, so let's get down to business and figure out who's got a chick back home, because let's be honest, that's all we really care about. Who's double dippin'?

Michael, our entertainer, is awarded the first one-on-one. This is the face time he's always dreamed of. We all know that he is dying when his name is called. "Is this my big chance? Will a talent scout see me on TV and sign me so I can stop teaching break dancing and make it big in La-La Land? YESSSSSS!!" We, on the other hand, are thinking, "Good god, please don't annoy us too much with your overacted antics."

The "Come Fly With Me" date is surprisingly not another heli-date: it's a zip line. I'm super jealous. Michael gets all deep on us by equating zip lining to love, we barf, but we continue to watch regardless. Is anyone less than impressed after a few zips? They're not going very fast, so my jealousy fades. After the zipping, they sip hot chocolate and talk. I wish Michael would just calm down once in a blue moon, but he doesn't. His poor mother...

Michael and Jillian have dinner later that night. Jillian is hoping for a more serious Michael, and our fingers are crossed that he'll deliver. I'm not holding my breath. Jillian flat-out asks if he's ready to settle down. Michael skirts around the issue and then asks Jillian what she wants. Um...Michael, you didn't answer the question. Not like any of us think that you're remotely ready for anything but fame-hunger, but at least fake it. You're an actor, right? Convince us, my friend. Jillian then asks why he "really signed up for the show." Wow. Awesome. Michael then confesses that he had a breakup eight months ago and that he hasn't been on a date since. Blah. He's here for the "right reasons" even though he's not. Jillian gives him the rose anyway, even though there seems to be NO romantic connection. Is she babysitting, or is she dating? They don't even share a real kiss. Come on...

The group date is with Wes, Robby, Kiptyn, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark, which means Jesse gets the one-on-one. Reid, looking cute in his glasses, is bummed. The boys join Jillian on a snowmobile trip through the mountains. Jillian, has ulterior motives, and is destined to find out where these boys stand...not just where they snowmobile. She asks Robby to join her on her snowmobile, and the other boys get their own. They get to share some one-on-one time, and Robby (complete with a red, helmet-dented forehead) confesses that he was upset about the previous rose ceremony. The other dudes talk behind his back. Robby reassures her that he's for real. If only he had a job...

Tanner interrupts the Robby time, and let's just see if he can save himself after he became the House Rat. He again doesn't name names, and I think this makes him look like a weasel. Tanner is not only rat-like in his features, he seems rat-like all around. Tanner clearly has it out for Wes, but doesn't he have evidence? Hmmm...

She then cuddles up with Wes, who obviously reassures her that he's there for reasons outside of his music career. Are we convinced? I, for one, am not.

Later, they all hang out and catch up more. At this point, I'm realizing quickly that she is obsessed with Kiptyn. She is 100% falling for him. But wait...their kisses are kind of awkward. Is Kiptyn a good kisser? I'm nervous.

Then she spends some time with Reid. She questions him about his 5-year plan, and he tells her how he wants a wife, kids, and an adventurous family. It's cute, kind of awkward. Especially when she says, "Who's the one with the girlfriend?" He gives her a funny answer by saying he has four girlfriends and two wives...haha.

Ed is up next, and Jillian is feeling that he's distant. Ed admits that his boss is questioning his choice to be away, and Ed reacts pretty emotionally because his boss gave him an ultimatum. Pretty sh*tty boss, in my opinion (if he knew what Ed was doing, that is...if not, then Ed is dumb for not telling him). At the end of the date, Jillian gives Ed the rose. She gives him the choice to accept it and/or to give it back after thinking about it. Pretty sweet of her, I must admit. I heart Jillian.

The last one-on-one date is with Jesse. They hang out on a glacier (you know, the normal), and then have a romantic talk in the snow. Jesse seems really into her, and he is very open about his past love (singular). It was cute.

Sidenote: I hate this new "Marry Me Monday" BS. ABC, stop trying to extend this damn show to two hours. If you could condense it two one hour, we could all do a lot more with our lives. Like eat dinner before the restaurants close at 9pm in Milwaukee.

Back to the show. Jillian asks Jesse if it's too soon for him to pursue a new relationship due to his recent breakup. He's kind of dumbfounded, but he gets through it okay. Cue the inevitable hot tub scene, and he's definitely falling for her. Unfortunately, he has a bit of a goatee, but we can try to get over it. Jesse gets a rose and then they kiss. He says he can "die happy." A bit much.

At the pre rose ceremony, things take a bit of a turn. Remember that rose Jillian gave Ed to make him feel better about maybe losing his job but, in turn, maybe finding the love of his life? Yeah, not so much. Ed is outta here, and now he's forever ruined his chances with the women of the greater Chicagoland area. Dude is choosing work over love! It's like the number 1 complaint of chicks everywhere! (At least chicks in New York who deal with d-bag bankers on a daily basis.) Jillian arrives to Ed's room to be dumped. It's so dumb. Tables turning, much? Jillian is getting dumped on her own show? Wait...WHAT?!?!? Poor Jillian talks a little too much after being dumped, and with that, Ed is Chicago-bound. Sadly, Ed looks cuter than he's looked all season as he dumps her...but maybe that's good for his future chances at love? So weird. But what's weirder is that Ed doesn't give the rose back because he doesn't think someone else deserves it. Not sure if that's cool or not. Don't really think so. But Jillian leaves him with a zinger: "Promise me this. When you do find the one, don't let work get in the way." BAM.

But by the looks of it, Jillian is pretty damn upset about this. Makes me think he was in the running...too bad for him. They could have had cute dark-haired, dark-skinned babies. Oh well. Best of luck.

On to the rose ceremony...where only ONE guy is leaving to night. Sucks to be him, because she is totally sure who's outta there. So without a cocktail party, here we go.

1) Michael
2) Ed...Just kidding!!
3) Jesse
4) Reid
5) Kiptyn
6) Robby
7) Jake
8) Tanner. WHAT?!?!?!?! Why is this happening?
9) Wes

Bye: Mark. Kind of a shocker.

Awards:
1) D-bag: Ed. Have fun technologically consulting and living a loveless life.
2) Rat: Tanner. You act like one. You look like one. Go suck on a toe, and best of luck in life. Except we have to see you again next week. Ugh.
3) Best editing: ABC peeps. Nothing promised this episode was delivered. Brilliant.
4) Front runners: Kiptyn and Wes.

Until next week,

Mike

Oh Canada...

2009-06-09T09:30:00.003-04:00

Summer camp is over, boys. It's time to pack up and head to...Canada?? Wait..is this some sort of punishment? You can't just leave LA and be forced to go to the mythical Northland and pretend it's a good thing. Or can you?

Vancouver was the setting for last night's episode in which three boys were sent packing. Jillian hosts the guys in her hometown. (Sidenote: wasn't she from some other Canadian village last season? Edmonton? Calgary? Another Canadian city I can't think of because there are only like 12 to choose from?) The episode features three dates: a one-on-one; a group date; and a two-on-one in which one guy is sent home by the end.

The one-on-one date goes to Kiptyn, and the rose was his to lose. Could he finally summon a personality to match his good looks? Is he everything he hoped he would be and more? He joins Jillian on a little kayaking adventure, and then they go to the Public Market to buy food for dinner. After a cute talk on the water, the couple heads home to cook. It's kind of a perfect date in the making. Outdoor activities followed by good conversation and a do-it-together meal? Amazing. The only negative of the date was the part where they fed pigeons. People, feeding rats with wings is a pasttime left to crazy women with wild hair and 82 cats. It's not for us. But back to the dinner portion. They cook, he comes up behind her, places his hands on her hips, and kisses her neck. We all melt, she dies, it's cute. After dinner, Kiptyn opens up some more by confessing that he's no good at pursuing women. "People pursue me," his special quote, could have sounded a lot more dick than it did, but Kiptyn pretty much wins us over. Their conversation on this date was very easy and genuine, and I think he might like her. I'll overlook the embroidered bird/crest on the shoulder of his black button-down shirt, and give him an A- for the date. If he was preppier he would have earned an A. He gets a rose, and I think she really likes him.

The second date is a BIG group date with Ed, Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Michael, Reid, Juan, and David. The play a "Canadian" "sport" called "curling." The boys are split into two teams, and the winning teams gets to spend the night with Jillian, as opposed to just awkward time in sweatsuits on the ice playing with brooms. Without diving into too much detail, the red team wins and Jesse is the clear MVP. On the date later that evening, Jake is worried he's too perfect, other dudes do other things, and David, like clockwork, turns crazy. As they chatted on the couch I was simultaneously expecting him to 1) beat her, 2) jump her bones, and 3) accomplish all of this as his red-faced, inflated head spun off. Instead, he verbally assaulted her with bad language, a failed attempt at a kiss, and non-stop talk about her ass. Um...inappropriate much? At one point during his word vomit, he says the F word, leans in for a kiss only to be given the cheek. He questions Jillian and she says something to the effect of, "I'm not kissing you after you say that word," to which he reponds, "I would think you'd want to kiss after saying f*ck." Pure class. Truly a gentleman. But I guess that's what "Trucking Coordinators" from Kansas do. Jesse gets the rose on this date, and we all share a sigh of relief that David didn't inflict bodily harm on anyone during the filming of the date.

The last date is between Jillian, Mike and Mark. They couldn't be more different. Mike spews forth far too many words and far too much honestly. Mark is mute and nervous. Mike is a guido from New York. Mark is subdued from Colorado. Mike's hair is black. Mark's hair is light brown. The opposites board a helicopter headed for Grouse Mountain, and Mike awkwardly sits in the middle and gets Jillian to himself, while Mark is forced to look out the window alone. At dinner, Mike commands the conversation, while Mark sits quietly across the table. During some one-on-one time, Mike continues to say all the "right" things (though they sound a bit disingenuous). Luckily, Mark gets his chance next, and he confesses that he's not very good in these situations. Their conversation doesn't seem forced, and it's finally relaxed and chill. Very Colorado. At the end of dinner, Mark gets the rose! Yay! Mike then awkwardly exits via gondola.

Before I get to the rose ceremony, can I please point out that there was not ONE gratuitous shirtless scene in this episode? Okay, Mike and Mark getting dressed before their date involved no shirts, but please. Um...ABC, the only reason anyone watches the Bachelorette is for the shirtless men in pools and hot tubs or just lounging around being shirtless. I mean, couldn't there have been some shirtless curling? Or a shirtless dinner scene? Work on it.

Back at the pre rose ceremony, tension is heightened. Jake hints to Jillian that there may be some guys here for the wrong reasons. Tanner goes even further to say he's heard someone say they have a girlfriend back home. Even without the scenes for next week's episode, we all know it's Wes, the guy who had just told Jillian he's "always been faithful." My ass. Faithful to your failing music career, perhaps. Jillian freaks, there is a total drama confrontation between Chris and Jillian and the boys, and it's all awkward. My favorite part was when everyone was asked to confess who it was, or who said what, and the cameras always came back to the tail-between-his-legs Tanner. Brilliant. He was SO dejected.

After zero resolution and emotional outbursts on behalf of a select crew of dudes, we're left with the rose ceremony and a bruised and battered cast.

1) Kiptyn
2) Jesse
3) Mark
4) Reid
5) Robby
6) Ed
7) Michael
8) Wes
9) Jake
10) Tanner - total surprise!

That leaves us with Mike, Juan and David heading home. Not gonna lie, I was surprised that sappy Juan was sent home. I predicted it to be Tanner and David, not Juan and David.

Awards:
1) Biggest pansy-ass: Tanner
2) Fame-hungry scene stealers: Wes and Michael
3) Latent homosexual: David

What do you bet Juan and David totally made out during the limo ride to the airport? Hate sex, anyone?

Until next week's drama,

Mike

Lucky 13

2009-06-03T09:15:00.004-04:00

Lovers and friends. I'm a trainwreck and I've let you down too much. I didn't blog last week, I'm a day late this week, I'm pretty much a general mess when it comes to keeping you entertained. But I'm famous, you love me, and you keep coming back for more. Sidebar: who watches "Intervention" on A&E? Brilliant.

Anyway, back to biz. I'm back, my TV is better than ever, and this show is the dumbest thing on it. But little by little, we're weeding out the duds and meandering our way to true love. Oh wait...

So this week's episode has three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ed, the nice guy from Chicago. It's a "dangerous" date, which involves an annoyingly slow zip line from the top of a building down to a pool below. I mean honestly, who wants to inch along on a zip line through the sky? Was it broken or something? I'm looking for a thrill, people, not a yawn. In the pool scene, the editors prove that Ed has no bod as he's only featured under water. But he's nice, and they kiss...yadda yadda. He gets a rose, and we move on.

The second date is on a "film shoot" with 11 dudes and Jillian. They film a western, and it even includes a gay twist. I think we all saw the "Brokeback" dialogue prancing towards us from 100 gay miles away, but whatever. Brad wins the award for the most awkward kiss ever, and we all mute our respective TVs in horror. Robby, who finally gets his chance to shine, outperforms everyone and delivers an Oscar-worthy performance topped off with a sexy and romantic kiss. It was cute and we like him...even though he's a bartender. At the "wrap party" Juan once again proves he's a total DB and skeeves us all out with his sappy candor. Over it.

Meanwhile, at the manse, David is steaming and drinking and acting overly straight as always. Nothing like being a big straight dude from Kansas and 100% living up to our expectations! Anger Management, 101. I'm sure they teach that at Topeka Community College.

Back on the date, we have the gratuitous shirtless hot tub scene, and Tanner once again freaks out over Jillian's feet. Can we be done with the foot fetish already? I mean seriously, it's getting old. And gross. At the end, Robby gets the rose and we're all happy.

The second one-on-one date is a hot-rodding adventure with Sasha. Let's just say, his ears are big and he doesn't get a rose. Jillian is convinced he's too young and wet behind the big ears...and he doesn't get a rose! Is this a first? Probably not, but I don't care and Sasha is sent packing to TX in an LA city bus. Classy.

Back at home, Wes serenades Jillian with a generic country song he probably wrote when he was 8, but she falls for it. Jillian...really? This guy's a douche and we're over it. He also never takes off his shirt, which is an automatic -82 points.

At the pre rose ceremony, David, the "top dawg," only further cements his growing rep as House Psycho Hose Beast. His meathead tendencies lead him to cut off the dudes mid-sentence, drink far too much, trash Juan to pieces, and look like a general freak show. Clearly, I love this. It looks like his head is going to spin off at any minute. If I was on set, I'd be afraid for my life, but on a big-screen TV it's just fine. How many more episodes until he pulls a Christian Bale on the sound guy?!?

At the end of the night, these dreary-eyed and exhausted boys are left standing:
1) Ed
2) Robby
3) Jake
4) Reid
5) Mark, who has had NO face time yet
6) Jesse
7) Tanner P.
8) Wes
9) Juan
10) Michael
11) Kiptyn
12) Mike
13) David, who nearly stumbles b/c he's so blackout...or is it just rage-filled?

Adios to Sasha, Brad and Tanner F.

Awards:
1) Crazy-town: David
2) Oh Poor Me I'm a Raging Loser and Nobody Appreciates Me: Brad
3) Front-runner: Robby and Kiptyn

Until next week,

Mike

The Douchebaggery Resumes

2009-05-19T09:18:00.004-04:00

Lovers and friends,

It's back. And so am I. First, the big news: there's been a major upgrade in my life. Not only do I watch my television under the stars in my new palatial estate with a new roommate and love of my life; I watch my television with a remote that fast-forwards and rewinds and tapes TV shows. Some of you may know this as "DVR." I know it as brilliant. Now I have more options besides the mute button! When inevitable awkwardness and disaster ensues, I can simply end it altogether! Can you handle The Bachelor Update 2.0? Why, you ask, did it take me so long to get DVR? Reminder: I'm famous and busy and why bother when you're a jet-setter? But since I got a massive apartment upgrade, I figured I'd upgrade the technology as well.

I'll keep this short and sweet, as opposed to ABC's approach to the show (two hours?? every time??). This season, our lovely bachelorette is Jillian, the scorned Canadian lover made famous by last season's hot tub scene with Jason. She's back, bitches, and she's ready to find love. But I'll be honest...do her suitors know she lives in Canada? Are they prepared to move their lives to this mythical land of peace and snow? Putting that thought aside, let's get to the dudes.

One of the things I love about The Bachelorette, is the brief respite we get from the lady drama of The Bachelor. Instead, it's replaced with the dude douchebaggery we've come to love so much. And also a few six packs. On that note, here are a few of the highlights of the 30 (yes, 30) lovers vying for Jillian's affection.

-A breakdance instructor.
-A "fitness model."
-A trucking coordinator. Where do I begin with this one...
-A man with no upper lip.
-An awkwardly tall and unattractive Brit.
-And the 82 requisite Texans.

As always, the arrival of the men provided a dizzying array of fashion don'ts, which I always love. Who let these men out of the house wearing these outfits? Neon green dress shirts? Cowboy hats? Fat ties that aren't tied tightly? I just can't.

Besides the heinously awkward silence/brainfreeze of David's arrival, the meet-and-greets were pretty painless. The men seemed very nervous as a whole, but nothing too drama. But wait...did anyone notice Jillian's dress towards the end of the arrivals? It was wet and brown on the bottom due to the wet pavement she stood on for 3 hours as the dudes arrived. Awesome! But don't worry...there was definitely a costume change before she enters the house. $100 bucks says none of the guys noticed.

The attention-grabbing commences immediately as Jillian enters the house. Guys steal Jillian away from each other, do embarrassing things, we all know how it goes. My favorite was the Kyle/Brian time with Jillian. Kyle, a picture-perfect cut-out of an alterna-Brooklynite competes for Jillian's attention with Brian, a picture-perfect cut-out of a hick from 'Bama. Loved it! Half-way through the night, five more dudes arrive (gasp!) to round out the dude-to-Jillian ratio at 30:1.

The First Impression Rose (FIR) is always the big moment of episode one, and this season it went to David, the man with the absolute WORST first impression of all. Remember? He walked up to Jillian and then went to completely mute for what seemed to be 82 seconds?

After two hours of boredom, Jillian selects 20 men to remain.

Danny
Jake
Jesse
Wes
Mathue (What? Are you kidding with this spelling?)
Michael
Robby
Ed
Reed (or is it Wade?)
Simon
Kiptyn (Kudos for best name.)
Mike
Brian
Sasha
Julien (Jillian and Julien? Um...no.)
Tanner P
Mark
Brad
Tanner F (Yes, two Tanners.)
Juan (Stop pretending you're from Argentina. You lived there for five minutes.)

Awards:
1) Best costume change: Jillian's arrival into the house in the exact same gown in which she greeted the men; only this one was clean!
2) Best alterna-attempt: Kyle, the Brooklynite, who was sent home in his skinny jeans.
3) Smallest upper lip: John H., the dude who almost cried after he was sent home. Barf.
4) Front-runners as of week 1: Kiptyn and Mark.

Until next week,
Mike

The Most Dramatic Finale EVER

2009-03-02T19:45:00.005-05:00

Ladies and gentleladies, the Bachelor Finale has arrived, and I'll give you one guess which kind of rose ceremony it is. Yes, you guessed it: The Most Dramatic Final Rose Ceremony Ever. So I put on my fluffy robe, sit down in my plush chair, turn on the flatscreen TV, take a sip of my wine, enjoy my view of the lovely Milwaukee skyline (here for a photo shoot staying at a killer new hotel…and yes, “photo shoot” and “Milwaukee” are in the same sentence), and tune in to the eight-hour saga that the Bachelor Finale has become.

Before I begin, quick poll: who is dying with anticipation as they begin to watch? Even though this show blows massive goats, I’m still sucked in and all a-twitter (no, not the website) about this.

Okay, on to the show. It’s the battle of M v. M. Melissa versus Molly. We’re still in New Zealand, because it’s pretty and far from reality. Just like this show.

Chugga chugga choo choo. Can you hear it? It’s a train wreck, and it’s coming our way.

After a forced tearful reunification of Dad and Ty, Melissa is first on the scene. Bit of a surprise here as Melissa isn’t ragingly uncomfortable or awkward with Ty. She’s cute and pretty natural. It’s annoying because Melissa sucks.

After some play time that involves a goat (um???) Melissa and Jason go to meet Jason’s family. Melissa sells herself to the family. His parents are weirded out that he hasn’t met her parents, so they grill her. Melissa pretends like her family is close-knit; we clearly don’t believe it. They’re heartless and cold and they hate their daughter and we all know it. Next, Jason’s brothers question Melissa, and I’m slightly obsessed with their quizzical and cynical looks as she says how ready she is for a life with Jason. It’s brilliant. After the family pretty much approves of Melissa, she’s sent packing. Jason admits (to the camera) that he’s falling in love with her. End scene.

Molly is next. Ty and Melissa really hit it off; can Molly establish the same connection? I feel like she should, because not only is she from my hometown, but she also works in Milwaukee and I’m here right now. So basically, she has to win. She arrives, and you can tell she is super nervous. She’s definitely going to blow it. Ty hates her when she arrives and doesn’t say hi or pay any attention to her. It’s awesome. And then, inevitably, he starts to like her. I think he was more in to the kite, but Molly was there so she got the love that was aimed at the kite. Sidenote: why is Ty wearing a royal blue longsleeve shirt under a navy polo? Not cute. In the end, Molly ends up being pretty cute with Ty, and things are good.

Next, it’s meet-the-family time. Molly is predictably a little more personable than Melissa, and she’s cute and engaging. His brothers are the first to question Molly, and it’s pretty cute and casual. Dad is impressed with Molly as well, and he remarks that she seems “grounded.” While Mom and Molly chat, his siblings sit down with him and they’re completely sold on Molly. They see that Molly is in love with him, and they love her too. Jason is overwhelmed, and sits down on the grass with Mom and cries about it. He’s a mess. PYT Jason, pull yourself together.

Okay, after date one, let’s be honest: neither of these chicks is the one.

Before the second date, Melissa talks to her hater parents. They agree to talk to Jason on the phone. Like that solves the problem of her parents sucking?

The two begin their last date together on a boat on a rainy day. The rain is rather fortuitous if Seattle is to be Melissa’s destiny…but is it? The two make the most of the dumpy day by swimming in the freezing cold water…soon followed by a steamy shower scene and cuddling. Like we didn’t know that was coming. Later that evening, Melissa and Jason share a romantic night by the fire. Melissa tells Jason that her parents want to talk to him, and then she tells him she loves him and blah blah blah. Jason says in response, “I’ve never felt this way either.” Well DUH. How many times have you been on the precipice of proposing to two chicks who are in love with you? Great response, Captain Diplomat. And where was the phone call with the parents??

On another rainy day, Molly and Jason spend their last day together. Molly takes control of the day, and brings Jason back to her place for a massage. Molly mounts up on Jason and massages him…back AND front…and I’m just saying that the frontal massage was pretty hot and heavy. She cooks him dinner next, because that’s what wives do. Molly opens up to Jason and starts crying as she tells him how in love with him she is. “It’s insane, so awesome.” Well put Molly, well put. Next, Molly gives Jason “A Fairytale Love Story,” a book she put together for him. He tells her, “You know I’m falling for you.” Um…how long do you think he rehearses his “I don’t love you yet” lines?? They’re brilliant.

The next morning, Jason makes the call to Melissa’s parents.

AND THEN…DeAnna is back!!!! Are we surprised?

Jason tells DeAnna that he’s choosing between the one who has it all, and the “wild card.” DeAnna says that she chose the wild card, and it didn’t work out. She makes her final plea in her oh-so-unemotional way: “You haven’t proposed yet; you still have the chance.” Jason totally disses her…and he FINALLY gets his revenge. And as she leaves, she tells him, in so many words, to choose Melissa.

FYI, I hope that you’re all following along during the commercial breaks to what is going to happen during the “After the Final Rose” episode. I’m absolutely loving it.

The melodramatic recap/montage pre-rose ceremony is awesome and dumb all at the same time. Tears, bad dresses, platitudes galore. It’s all so great…and so predictable. And it’s time…

The first poorly-clad finalist arrives: Molly. He’s so going to break up with her. You can just tell in his stupid eyes. As soon as he drops the word “amazing,” you know it’s over. Please…what a joke. And then…surprise!! He breaks up with her. I love her for retorting with a calm and steady, “I think you’ve made a mistake…a big one.” Awesome. Soon followed by, “I think you’re going to end up hurt again.” Ooh…I love her more now than I ever have! No drama, just truth. That one bit hard. Goodbye forever (???), Jason.

Molly drives away into Never Never Land, and Jason cries like a three-year-old. He SO knows he took the safe, boring route.

Melissa shows up next in a dumb dress. I’m sure she’s totally excited to get proposed to only to get broken up with. Who wouldn’t be? Then he proposes. After she screams like an idiot, he proposes. Barf. It’s so disingenuous. Best of luck with your break-up.

Sidenote: what if her parents are like Nazi-sympathizing anti-Seattle-ites? That would suck.

But wait…who cares? “After The Final Rose” comes on right after! Unless you’re dumb, you know what’s coming.

In front of…no audience…Jason comes right on stage to tell us that it’s over with Melissa and he’s still in love with Molly. It’s UN.BE.LIEV.ABLE!!!!! This show has mastered a formula for DISASTER. And this, folks, is why I remain committed to this work of art. It’s television GENIUS. Even before the trashy rag mag covers and press junkets, this relationship has already dissolved. It’s record timing this go around. Jason has proven he is a joke, and a big fat mess. I can’t wait for Jason and Molly to get engaged and then to break up!

But first, Melissa joins Jason on stage for the official break-up. I mean, this is a mess. Jason is a D-bag and I hate him. I don’t love Melissa, but please, this is a tragedy. Jason tells her how things are different, how the chemistry and changed, and how they’re not right for each other. She fights back perfectly, because you can totally tell that he has withdrawn and not discussed it with her. He then tells her that he has feelings for Molly. She says, “You don’t want to fight for Melissa. Because you’re having doubts over someone you already said goodbye to.” As he explains, she mutters, “You’re such a bastard.” Brilliant! She is PISSED. Work it, child. And in a way only ABC execs could script, she hands Jason the ring and there is a commercial break.

They say goodbye on national television with a, “Goodbye. Don’t call me. I don’t want to talk to you.” Great line, Melissa. But let’s face the truth: her parents are SO GLAD they didn’t meet him on TV. She leaves us with a dignified soliloquy in the limo.

Next, an unknowing Molly joins Jason on stage. Um…she looks like a lion with her disastrous hair. She’s still upset and hurt, but is completely dumbstruck when Jason tells her that he’s still in to her and that he’s done with Melissa. Utterly dumbstruck. I feel like she fell out of love with him as he sat there talking to her, and telling her he still wanted her. And then he hesitated when Chris asked him if he was still in love with her. Seriously?? D-bag central. But Molly totally takes Jason back, and they completely make out on stage five minutes after he ended his engagement. Best of luck with your life together, Molly and Jason. I give it until May. No...April.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Most horrific-slash-amazing Bachelor break-up ever: Tonight’s break-up on national television, Jason versus Melissa.
2) Most dramatic “After The Final Rose Ever”: Tonight’s. ABC finally got one of their “most dramatic” predictions correct!
3) Biggest waste of three hours: Tonight.
4) The stop searching for love award: Jason. Raise your kid and move on with your life.

Ewww…I feel sick. The fact that they kissed and she’s totally in to him again is vomit-inducing. I’m done.

For ABC, I have a proposal:

I’ve decided the next Bachelorette should be my prosti-slut neighbor, Laura (is that her name?). She sucks. She’s 22, her dad pays her rent, she speaks at a volume any blue-hair could hear from miles away, she wears brick shoes, she listens to the same four songs on repeat at high volume, and she dabbles in exotic dancing and prostitution. Did I mention she sucks? And that she’s an illegal subletter? And that she ruins my life every day? She sounds like a dream, right?!? ABC, please send her to LA for four months to meet the guy she’ll break up with! Please! My sleep depends on it.

Until next (please no!) season,

Mike

p.s. Thank Baby Jesus I no longer have to be the first gay Bachelor.

To Bone or Not To Bone?

2009-02-17T09:42:00.000-05:00

It’s my favorite episode of the season: the Fantasy Date episode, in which the Bachelor whisks his three lovers away to a fabulous destination (New Zealand, in this case) so he can con them into boning him while they’re too awestruck by the scenery to really comprehend the gravity of the situation. Ahhh, the inevitable “To Bone or Not To Bone” episode! Nothing gets me going like seeing three chicks over three consecutive nights grapple with the pressing question of whether or not to sleep with their boyfriend with whom they’ve spent a grand total of ~15 hours “dating” over the past few weeks. It’s genius. And we begin…

The frontrunner, Jillian, is first. Riding high off the most successful “meet the parents” visit in Bachelor history, she’s sitting pretty. But Jason has questions. Thus, I will call this Fantasy Date, “Jillian: Is There Romance?” The vignette begins with a chopper ride around the peaks and valleys of New Zealand. They share an afternoon of beautiful views and good times, but Jason is searching for more. Yeah, he likes her a whole lot. But does he love her? Is there something beyond friendship brewing here? Yes, of course there is! And she convinces him (with her requisite trembly voice) of this over dinner at a winery. “I have never, in my entire life, felt like somebody is more meant for me than you are,” says Jillian. And Jason melts. His true love has expressed her emotions, and the romance is there! Jason says “it’s possible I’m falling in love with her.” And we know it’s true when the H.O.T. tub scene follows. Um…was it just me, or was this about as X-rated as The Bachelor as ever been? I’m talking pelvis-to-pelvis, leg-wrapping-around-bumping-and-grinding-and-moaning hot tub ACTION folks. It was H.O.T. with a capital H.O.T. I think we can safely assume they boned here.

The next day, feathers ruffled a bit from the night before, Jason meets the other top contender for his love, Molly. While she isn’t looking her cutest in an oversized brown sleeveless cable-knit cardigan, she is still her cute Midwestern self, and we love her. We’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Molly: Is there Depth?” Jason is longing for Molly to open up and dive into the relationship head first…and that is exactly what she does. They bungee jump, and dive head-first in to love. Awww. After the jumping extravaganza, they share a cup of coffee and Molly asks Jason a lengthy list of questions, which I thought was pretty cute. She delivered the questions in her typical quirky/smirky way, and it was cute. We now know that Jason prefers peanut butter chocolate ice cream (as do I). Thank goodness that was resolved. Later in the evening, they meet up for dinner. Molly is looking cute as can be in a dress and heels, and Jason wears a sweater and jeans. Um…you look underdressed and stupid, Jason. Pull it together. Jason probes Molly to see if she has any emotional depth, and she delivers! She admits to her guard being up, but she also admits to falling in love with him, and it actually looks believable. Sidenote: how classic that Jason pointed out that her family was distant and not emotional on the outside? Gotta love the Midwest! Then, in her Molly way, she shakes things up by asking Jason to spend the night with her, as opposed to waiting for the card from Chris. Amazing. They bone.

Lastly, Melissa the family-less wonder from Texas arrives to get third place. No one likes her, she isn’t as cute, and we’re just plain over it. I’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Melissa: Is there a Secret?” Seriously, Melissa, what was the deal with your ghost family? Why do they hate you? Why did you totally blow it on the hometown date? Why are you even here? Whatever. Jason meets her wearing a disastrous graphic polo-meets-tee-shirt two-for-one disaster, and it’s a mess. They share a beautiful boat ride on Winston Churchill’s old boat (what?) and he grills her about her family. I kind of tuned out at this point b/c I was more interested in the eye candy on my couch (and my dinner), but apparently she said the right things about her bizarre-o family, and she won him back. They share dinner, they share sex. They bone.

Wow…three-for-three on the To Bone or Not To Bone Challenge! Way to go Jason!

After the whirlwind week, Jason is left to contemplate his future. Luckily, he has three cheesy video messages from the girls to help him! Kidding. They’re dumb as always, and we’re over it. We’re simply left reaffirmed in our beliefs: Jillian and Molly are staying, and Melissa is going back to Texas to hang out with her “family” who hates her.

BUT WAIT.

Melissa not only arrives in a HEINOUS prom dress circa 1995, she gets a rose! Are you kidding me? She is hereby referred to as Devil in a Bad Dress. Shocker of the century (or, more like shocker of February 16, 2009, but whatever).

Jason gives roses to:
1) Melissa
2) Molly

And he sends Jillian back to the mythical land of Canada! Are we dying? I’m dying.

Sadly, Jillian jibber-jabbers as she leaves, but we love her all the same. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Canada, Jilly! We love you in America. She leaves the set, Jason cries knowing he made a mistake, and we all turn off the TV in disbelief.

Awards:
1) Most Canadian: Jillian
2) Worst dress: Melissa’s high school dance dress
3) Worst family: Melissa’s hateful family
4) Worst decision: keeping Melissa on.
5) Most from Grand Rapids: Molly

Until two weeks from now (I’m not blogging the Bitches Tell All episode, as I’ll be working on my tan South of the border!),

Mike

Homeward-bound

2009-02-10T09:45:00.001-05:00

So we’ve got four chicks left, and four hometown dates between them and the trip of their lifetime—a jaunt to New Zealand with a short single dad. We’re homeward-bound this week, folks, and we know what that means: a whole lotta crazy is in store for us. Before I begin, let me refresh our collective memory on the remaining bimbos: Jillian, Molly, Melissa and Naomi. Two suck, two rock, who will be the last b*tch standing?

Our first trip home is to the mythical land of Canadia. Kelowna, British Columbia, in fact. Wait…who lives in Canada? Jillian does, duh. Sidenote: $50 to the first person to name the Canadian Prime Minister without Googling it. Anyways, back to business. Apparently Canada is pretty in the Fall. Jillian shows Jason the lake on which she spent her childhoods. She also opens up about her mom’s battle with depression. Jason is touched, they definitely like each other. They soon head to her house, where her family literally embraces Jason with the Canadian flag. Pretty funny. Her dad is a gem, her mom is cute, sister’s sexy…this hometown visit wins! There wasn’t a hint of awkwardness, and we’re excited that Jason just met his future ex-in-laws. Oh, and the grandma was cute too. But seriously, this has to go down in Bachelor history as one of the better hometown dates ever. We love Jillian, even though she says a-GAIN (again).

After the glorious visit to the north…he continues his trek above the Mason-Dixon line, and heads to Grand Rapids, Michigan (my hometown, in case any of you DARED forget) to visit Molly, the other frontrunner. It’s basically paradise. The prettiest place on earth, with a cute country club to boot! Get this: I spent every summer of my life setting records at the pool at the country club where they played golf. Just sayin’…

Molly and Jason reunite at the country club and play a round of golf. They then head to Molly’s parents’ house to meet the mom, the dad, and the sister and husband. The mom pulls out some funny tricks and embarrasses her daughter and Jason by making them wear hats. The dad is a mute who can’t carry a conversation with his daughter, but we’ll look beyond that. Jason is then forced to draw a picture of Molly, which wasn’t THAT bad, but was also quite heinous. Mom’s quirky antics aside, this hometown visit was fine and she’s still in the running. And Grand Rapids, the shining jewel of the Midwest, looked fantastic!

After two good hometown dates, we all know what’s coming: the bad one. Jason descends on California to meet Naomi and her family. Within the first hour at home, the mom initiates a hula hoop contest and a burial of a white dove she killed while driving. Yes, you read that correctly. Jason and family bury a dead bird in the backyard, and Jason is forced to eulogize the mangy thing. Gross, weird, disgusting. Also gross? The fact that this bird was kept in the refrigerator in a brown bag prior to the ceremonial burial. (I also love how the crazy mom comes with the requisite gray, streaky hair that all earth mothers have.) Jason is horrified. His horror continues when the distant dad starts evangelizing about Jesus. It’s awesome…total classic Bachelor fodder, and I’m loving it! Naomi talks to her dad next, and flat-out tells him that she doesn’t care if Jason isn’t a Jesus-seeker. It’s awkward and uncomfortable because we can clearly tell she has no relationship with her father at all. Combine the disastrous family with the fact that Naomi just plain sucks (and totally isn’t ready to settle and/or be a mom) and this dark-skinned beauty with an underbite is a goner.

Finally, Jason gets to meet Melissa’s family in Dallas (what Bachelor would be complete without a visit to Texas??). CUE THE RECORD-SCRATCH SOUNDBITE! Just kidding, Melissa’s family is too “private” to meet Melissa’s suitor in a televised event, so Jason is stuck having dinner with two of Melissa’s friends and their husbands and kids. Awesome. You know she had to cull through her Rolodex (even though no one has a Rolodex…it just sounded good) to find her married friends, as opposed to her single friends in order to convince Jason that’s she’s ready to marry. It’s amazing. It’s also completely uneventful. Jason spends some time with her two girlfriends, who admit they totally don’t know Melissa’s parents. Wait…does Melissa even have parents? I guess that remains to be seen. Rather bizarre all around, and we’re left to wonder: will Jason drop this mess and keep Naomi around, or is Melissa worth keeping on because she sucks less than Naomi?

To be honest, I thought Melissa seemed a bit more “real” in this episode, and I like her a little more. Clearly not as much as Jillian or Molly, but whatever.

Back in Seattle, Chris and Jason catch up in order to stretch the show to a full two hours. Ugh…

Jason expresses his concern for…well…ALL of the girls. Are they ready? Can they really envision a life with a single dad? Can they live with him in his house in Seattle which is SO OBVIOUSLY not the house on the water that ABC rented for him so it looks like he’s loaded? Clearly Jason is a “fixer” and he goes for the young, helpless chicks. Disaster.

At the Rose Ceremony (a.k.a. the Return of the Heinous Striped Shirt/Tie Combo), we’re treated to more bad fashion and one broken heart.

He chooses:
1) Molly
2) Jillian
3) Melissa

No surprises that Naomi is sent packing. Best of luck in Crazytown.

Awards:
1) Best hometown: Grand Rapids, MI
2) Loony Tunes family: Naomi’s
3) Worst shoes at rose ceremony: Naomi’s gold gladiator deals that tied up her chubby legs.
4) Worst fashion consultant: The stylist dressing Jason. The loud striped shirt is NEVER cute. Thanks. Keep that in 2002 where it belongs.

Until next week,

Mike

Groundhog's Day--Have we been here before?

2009-02-03T09:51:00.000-05:00

Another Groundhog’s Day, another episode of The Bachelor…I can’t help but think: have we been here before? The answer is yes. Just as the furry rodent appears in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania year after year to somehow predict our weather, our gaggle or girls fiending over some dude with far too many gratuitous shirtless scenes reappears on ABC week after week, year after year…and so do I. (Oops, sorry about my short hiatus over the past couple weeks. We’ll just say I got “tied up.”)

Apparently missing two episodes is an amazing strategy, because we’re already down to five divas vying for this single dad’s love: Melissa, Jillian, Stephanie, Naomi and Molly. Before I even begin, let me just predict that it’s going to come down to the two cutest and most normal chicks in the running: Jillian and Molly. Duh. Jillian brings the Canadian heat, and I love her. And Molly…well…I simply HAVE to love her because she’s from my hometown and her mom may or may not have worked at my father’s place of employment for years. Not to mention, she’s cute and fun and spunky in the Grand Rapids, MI sort of way.

This episode, the girls are transported to the mythical land of Seattle, where they are forced to face the truth: can you handle 11.5 months of rain each year, or are you too weak? Do you really want to marry a short guy with an annoying son, or are you gonna bail when things get tough? Interesting question, Mike. And one that is quickly answered on the first one-on-one date with Melissa.

This date promises to be magical. Melissa gets all dressed up in a “pretty” dress for a night on the town with Jason. What could be better than the space needle on a cloudy and rainy night? Why, it’s obvious isn’t it? A night at home with Jason because his kid is too needy to let Daddy take Melissa on the previously-mentioned date! As Jason prepares for his big night out, little Ty gets whiny and the spineless father obliges his child’s needs by staying in. He gives Mel a ring, and she is forced to abandon all hopes for romance, and, instead, heads to Jason’s house on the water for a night in. She arrives in her dress and cleans the house (as every woman should) while Jason puts the little one to bed. There’s nothing like fulfilling gender roles, my friends. And doing it in a dress? Even better.

Cut to the hotel room with the other b*tches. They sit around, super annoyed, that Melissa has this chance to meet Ty. Too bad Jason isn’t ready to introduce anyone to the little bugger, so their fears are not realized. But he does allow Melissa to sneak a peak at the sleeping beauty.

After they spy on the sleeping child, Jason and Melissa talk and make out. Melissa is annoying, and they have no future. Done. No, but really, I mean, it’s not there. Girlfriend doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and although she played it off like she was fine lounging around, girlfriend wanted to go out and take her top off on the dance floor. Instead, she was relegated to a night in a floating house playing kissy on the couch.

The second date found Stephanie, Jillian and Molly on a boat with a view of the city. Stephanie is the first to get a little Jason time, and she steers the boat while they talk, once again, about their kids. They have ZERO chemistry, folks. Jason feels like he has to like her because she’s nice and has a daughter and a sad story, but let’s get real. It’s like they’re friends in a singles soccer mom/dad support group, not lovers. And does he really want to spend the rest of his life with those cheek bones? No.

After the boat ride, they go to a radio show, where Jason is interviewed about his experience. He confesses that the best kisser is Molly, and is then forced to have a kissing contest. He is blindfolded with a pink boa, and each of the girls kisses him, one by one. Jason scores a perfect 100% because he’s slutty like that. Sidenote: who barfed when Stephanie kissed both his hands before laying one on him? I did. And who barfed even more when she described her bedroom behavior and how she likes to kiss every square inch of a man’s body and “love on him”? Vomit.

After this, Jason chats with Jillian and tries to get answers to see if she’s ready for this. “Yes,” she says, in her cute Canadian inflection.

The last date finally finds Naomi on her first one-on-one date with Jason. They fly in a sea plane and go rock climbing. On the top of the man-made cliff they have what Jason calls an “extreme kiss.” Dumb. Another zinger of a quote soon follows when Naomi confesses that she “climbed a wall and her walls came down” while she talks about opening up to Jason. Double dumb. After the climb, they share some fondue and share an un-romantic night. Her face is busted and I’m over her.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, the girls are in the hotel bathroom together (??) taking a bath in their bathing suits (????) and talking about they guy they’re all dating because that’s a totally normal thing to do.

Before the “Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever” (Groundhog’s Day, anyone??), Jason once again pulls Jillian aside to make sure she’s not going to break his heart. Clearly he likes her (with her “oooouuuwt” and “abooouuuwts” and all).

At the actual rose ceremony, Jason also pulls Naomi aside before he hands out the roses, just to heighten the tension a bit. She insists she’s ready (she’s not) and it’s fake and annoying. She also resembles an egg timer in her disastrous outfit, but we’ll address that later…

So Jason chooses:
1) Jillian
2) Melissa
3) Molly
4) Naomi

And, in no big surprise, he sends Stephanie home after telling her she’s the “most amazing person he’s ever met.” Like we didn’t see that coming 82 miles away.
Wait, who caught the awkward almost-man-hug between Chris and Jason after his tearful speech to Stephanie? It was brilliant and mute-worthy.

Awards:
1) Dress disaster: Stephanie’s tablecloth turned ball gown.
2) Overall trainwreck of a look: Naomi’s outfit/tattoo at the rose ceremony. She paired a heinous top with her stewardess skirt and called it a day…but not without exposing her shoulder tat to the world. Awesome. Oh, and fix your underbite.
3) Quote: “Some things are just meant to be.”—Stephanie. Sorry sweetheart. Your cheek bones and taut face are simply not meant to be. You paid for that mess.

Until next week,

Mike

Top off dance off

2009-01-13T12:05:00.001-05:00

Seriously? Two hours? 120 excruciating minutes of this mess? Please tell me we’re scaling back to 60 minutes of this nonsense going forward. Otherwise this famous blogger may be checking out quicker than Jason’s shirt comes off on each and every date.

Last night’s episode begins with Jason bidding his kid adieu. He roped us in to believing he was actually a good father during the first episode…or did he just convince me that little Ty was there for the duration? Regardless, Ty is shipped back home to his bad mother so Jason can concentrate on taking his shirt off and making out with upwards of two to five women daily until the show ends. It’s all about priorities, people.

Speaking of priorities, Jason clearly devoted a lot of attention to doubling the size of his biceps since DeAnna dumped him. ABC saw his biceps, and now films him as though he’s an Adonis. Let us not forget, this guy is probably 5’6’’. But we still get to sit through a full two minutes of air time as he strips off his shirt at the pool with the girls. The scene was even underscored with sexy music. All too much.

After an afternoon of poolside foreplay, Jason has his first date: a one-on-one encounter with Jillian the Canadian at the Disney Center in LA. Robin Thicke, the spawn of the Growing Pains dad, serenades the lovers. They dance, it’s cute, whatever. She gets a rose. She also has a killer accent (“sauerkraut,” “out,” “about,” it’s all amazing).

The second one-on-one date is between Melissa and Jason. I tuned out. She gets a rose.

The last date is a repeat of every other date on every other season where the girls fulfill stereotypical girl-like roles and get to fawn over fashion. They get new outfits that inevitably come off as they all get in a hot tub later in the evening. What an amazing date idea! Totally original. Molly, from Grand Rapids, MI (hometown love, what, what?!?!) gets the rose on this date, because she’s from Grand Rapids and everyone from there is amazing. Raquel, the Brazilian temptress proves she’s crazy, and the date is done.

Before the final roses are handed out, though, we need some drama. Megan and Erica deliver. Megan, busty and brunette, overhears Erica talking smack behind her back. Erica, who should lay off the booze and hit the gym, denies her sh*t-talking tendencies. It really was a special TV moment.

Stephanie, the 34-year-old plastic baby mama lays on the real drama, though, when she tells us about the passing of her husband. It was sad, actually…so I won’t be mean. Except I just can’t get over her over-worked face. No need for so much Botox by age 34.

After Chris wastes 15 minutes of time discussing the pros and cons of each remaining woman, we finally have the rose ceremony. The following are left standing:

Jillian
Melissa
Molly
Megan
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon
Erica

Adios to: Lisa, Raquel, Sharon. Let’s be honest, no one is going to propose to a Brazilian chick. Who needs Green Card drama these days? Let’s keep the love local.

Awards:

Worst show ever: this one.

Until next week (just kidding, I’ll be in the air while it airs and I don’t believe in DVR),

Mike

Lucky Number 13?

2009-01-06T10:22:00.006-05:00

Lovers, Friends, Foes,

It's the 13th season of this holy mess, and I'm just SURE that it will be a success! I'm also sure that hell will freeze over, pigs will fly, and I will someday be happily married to a woman.

A disclaimer to begin: in case you have forgotten, I am famous. Fame leads to many distractions. My schedule is packed, I am constantly pulled in 82 directions, and I cannot always fully commit to two full hours of horrible, vomit-inducing television...especially when it's the 13th go-around of the same trainwreck we've come to know and "love." So forgive me for not being as avid a note-taker during this episode. I was otherwise engaged and my attention was being vied for by a ridiculously good-looking man, and a woman with a great rack. What was a boy to do? Ignore them for silly TV? The answer is, quite simply, duh. Let's get this effing mess started.

The show begins with the much-expected montage of poor Jason's life to date. He loved, he lost, he loved again, he lost again, he has a kid who got conspicuously less cute in six months, and he goes to the gym shirtless with cameras following him. That's pretty much his bio in one poorly-written sentence. Oh, that and he's a raging gooby loser who makes me turn from the television in horror multiple times an episode. Before I continue, how tall do we really think Jason is? 5'6''? He's pint-sized and over-tanned. Still boneable, yes, but mini all the same.

Then, the bitches descend upon our newly-ready-to-love Jason and the fun begins. Requisite crazies arrive pontificating on hot dogs and their relation to husband material, vision boards and MySpace stalking, but would we expect any less? No...these ABC producers have this formula down to a science, and it reels us in season after season times 13.

Naturally, there is a new "twist" this season. The hoes get to vote on a fellow ho to send home by submitting their votes in a secret ballot box. The BBI (Ballot Box Initiative) was a raging success. Megan was voted "off" by her counterparts, but got a rose anyway for her troubles! The two runners-up were also notified of their status, which is brilliant. It's like an animosity-intensifier, and I love it! Much-hated Megan gets to live with the bitches that voted her off, and the ill will will fester throughout the season. Kudos ABC, kudos.

We get to know the girls a bit as they throw themselves at Jason. My least favorite, Renee, basically gives a stump speech for "The Secret" as she explains the energy in the universe and her vision boards on which she envisions her life with Jason. Barf. She also can't seem to stand up straight. Get some confidence woman. There are single moms as well, which was a big fat yawn and so expected.

At the end, there were 15 lovely ladies still standing.
Lauren
Kari
Naomi
Natalie - Sorry about your bad dye job.
Molly
Jillian
Stephanie - Is she 50? How much work has she had done? Brilliant.
Melissa
Shannon
Nikki - a.k.a. Tits McGee
Lisa
Sharon - Next time you might want to do your hair for national television.
Erica
Megan
Raquel

Clearly, Obamamania did not make it to the Bachelor. Where's the black one? And why are there so few blondes?

Tonight's awards:
1) Visionary Award: Renee. Best of luck with your vision boards. Try to envision a life with good posture and a little less crazy.
2) Reality Award: Jason. Because everyone in Seattle works out at the gym shirtless.
3) Over it Award: Me. This show is dumb.

Until next week,

Mike

Another one bites the dust

2008-11-03T16:21:00.002-05:00

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/bachelorette-winner-deanna-papas-calls-off-engagement

DeAnna and Jesse? DONE.

I believe the win-loss record now officially stands at 1-82.

Jason is back!

2008-08-21T10:24:00.003-04:00

My prediction comes true.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080820/en_tv_eo/24922

Our spurned Jason will be back in January 09...he's the new bachelor!

Vomit

2008-07-11T11:30:00.002-04:00

http://www.deannaandjesse.com/

Are you kidding? They launched their own website to chronicle their lives. Barf.

The Finale

2008-07-08T10:18:00.000-04:00

It’s do or die time in Bachelorette-land as DeAnna is down to the final two. Which “J” will she choose? Mr. Perfect or Mr. Could Maybe One Day Be Perfect But He’s Still a Child? Only time will tell. And time we had…good lord ABC devoted it’s entire primetime 8-11 p.m. programming slot to this mess. Luckily I stayed awake for all of it, and I’m here to report on the results of this season’s destined-to-fail love connection (I awoke yesterday at 3:20 a.m. EST in order to catch my private jet back to Manhattan after a fun-and-sun-filled weekend at my family’s private estate on the blue waters of Michigan). Reminder: I’m famous.

The marathon episode began in the outskirts of Atlanta with the remaining boys visiting DeAnna and her family in their hometown of Newnan (since when is a town 50 miles outside of Atlanta actually “Atlanta”?? According to Google Maps, it’s closer to the damn Alabama border than it is to Atlanta!). Jason is first to arrive to DeAnna’s “lovely” little home where he showers them with flowers, gifts, and his requisite charm and adorableness. He’s definitely a bit overzealous in his efforts to convince them that he’s for real, but we love him anyway. Who could resist that face? That body? That stubble? Clearly I cannot, and I’m arranging a meet-and-greet for the two of us in the very near future, thankyouverymuch. Jason asks Mr. Pappas for his daughter’s hand in marriage, like any good boy should, and Daddy is flattered and enamored with Jason. They all are. Well, except for her brother, who doesn’t seem so good with the words. His “I liked him” wasn’t very convincing. But on to the next man.

Jesse, nervous and jittery, arrives next. The family really puts it to him with the hard questions. So you’re a snowboarder? Great. How will you provide for DeAnna? What are your plans? How much money do you really make? ABC didn’t really show us much, though, between Jesse and the Pappas family. We’re left to wonder how the meeting really went. Great editing, ABC.

After the first dates, Daddy Pappas is convinced Jason is more heartfelt and he wonders if Jesse is in the same place as DeAnna.

Next, the two boys get to meet the Big Fat Extended Greek Family at Dad’s house. Jesse arrives first, only to be immediately interrupted by Jason’s arrival. Wait…amazing. The two guys have to spend the day with the entire family and DeAnna together! Totally loving the awkwardness of it all. Jason charms them all with his above-mentioned qualities, and Jesse “nugs” (fist punches, like snowboarders do) the family. He teaches Grandma and Grandpa (Zsa Zsa and Zu Zu??) how to nug, and it’s a bit odd. Jesse finds some time to ask Mr. Pappas for DeAnna’s hand in marriage (you know the directors put him up to it!), and he obliges. Then everyone does shots of Ouzo and the boys go home.

The family reiterates their feelings: is Jesse ready? But, sister-in-law brings up a good point as well: is Jason too settled? Will DeAnna “fast-forward” her life if she chooses Jason? Only time will tell. And we had a whole hour left to find out.

Back in the Bahamas, DeAnna prepares herself to meet with the scorned Jeremy, who is an emotional basketcase. He comes back looking for answers, trying to explain himself, and, well, gets nowhere. DeAnna breaks down and tells him that he’s everything she was looking for (not fair), but she’s in love with other people. Then she sends him packing. Goodbye Jeremy, forever. Call me.

DeAnna soon gets back to reality (if by “reality” you mean a fake life planned and styled by ABC designed to feign romance and love in what will inevitably be a failed relationship) and has her final dates with the two suitors. Jesse is first this time, and the two fly on a seaplane to a deserted island where they frolick and make out in the ocean, an activity I would like to hereafter coin as “sea-boning.” After the sea-boning, the lovers go back for their last romantic night together during which Jesse gives her a cute book of thoughts and tells her he loves her. Really? I’m not convinced. If he had to choose between his rad snowboard and DeAnna, I’m thinking he’d go with the board.

Jason is up next, and he excitedly accompanies her on a scuba diving trip. DeAnna tells him they’ll be scuba diving with sharks, and Jason responds to the camera with what was my favorite quote of the night: “Sharks and people aren’t supposed to hang out together.” Regardless, Jason enthusiastically dives with DeAnna and shows his adventurous side—something DeAnna needed to see in order to convince them that he really is the one. He did, and he is. We love Jason. DeAnna definitely seems more comfortable with him on their date. At night, Jason gives her a homemade board game of their relationship. It’s really cute. I would die if someone did that for me (future husband, are you listening?). He tells her he loves her, they make out, they say goodbye.

Okay, disclaimer. I am now officially in love with Jason. Like 100% want him right now. Readers, seriously. Set me up with him or his clone. He is my type to a “T.” Except for the straight, formerly-married, single father part…but whatever.

Next we get the morning-of-the-rose-ceremony montage of the three waking up, contemplating their futures (men are shirtless of course), strolling on the beach while deep in thought, et cetera. Blah blah blah.

The guys then pick out rings. Jason confidently chooses one (which I thought was ugly, sadly). Jesse, however, freaks out and nearly keels over and barfs prior to choosing a ring. Is it love? Ehh…I err on the side of fear. But whatever. The men each cry before the rose ceremony because they’re so in love, and then it’s time.

DeAnna arrives looking pretty cute, if I must say. My favorite was her arrival and stroll to the rose altar (it’s an altar of sorts, right?) while being whipped by the wind. ABC conveniently edited her lower portion out during the walk, as you could see far too much of her business for comfort!

Jason, looking cute in a navy suit with blue shirt and orange (Georgia peach) tie, arrives first. His package looks fantastic as he walks to meet DeAnna, and the lovers embrace. Jason gets down on one knee so he can espouse his love for DeAnna, but is promptly cut off by a “No, I can’t.” DeAnna doesn’t let him get far at all (besides letting him get down on one knee!!), and cuts him out of her life with three words. I’m crushed!! (I mean, he’s available for me now, but whatever). So sad! It’s awful. He reacts stoically and doesn’t shed a tear in front of her. Our hearts are breaking along with his because he’s just so genuine and cute (and his rockin’ hot bod doesn’t hurt either). Clearly we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!

Jesse arrives next and practically runs to DeAnna. Wait…have I ever commented on how short he is? He’s shorter than our beloved Chris Harrison, and possibly shorter than DeAnna. Seriously? What is he, 4’9’’? Regardless, he proposes by saying, “will you spend forever with me?” (cute, I must admit). And DeAnna accepts. They embrace, it seems forced, and it’s over. Best of luck.

I’m totally not convinced. Especially after seeing how gooby and gross they were on the After the Final Rose special. The audience clearly favors cute Jason, and so do I. Oh well…apparently DeAnna and Jesse are getting married on May 9, 2008. I’ll offer to sing at the ceremony, but I’m doubting they make it that long.

But again, best of luck. I wonder if DeAnna will move to Breckenridge and become a professional snowboard waxer…

Until next season,

Mike