Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Tears. More tears. A shirtless dude. And other drama.

It's the first episode of The Bachelorette, Season 82. This time it stars yet another Bachelor reject. This time it's Desiree, and she's the one I liked best during Sean's season. So I have high hopes.

Realization #1: Desiree cries a lot. Like during the first five minutes, before the season has even begun, Desiree has already cried five times. Grab your hankies, y'all. It's going to be a tearful ride to the top.

So we all know by now the formula. Episode One always features a few lucky guys--many of whom will stay until the end, some of whom will be short-lived.

Bryden
Will
Drew
Nick R.
Zak
Robert
Mike
Brandon

4 out of 8 were shirtless. I'd consider that a success. My predictions for who will stay around? Bryden, and Brandon. I'd give Mike and Drew a fighting chance, too.

Some highlights of the arrivals:

Mikey is a plumber. Jonathan asked Des to the fantasy suite and she full-on denied him. Zak arrived shirtless and douchey.  Larry did an awkward dance move with Des and she ripped her dress. Diogo arrived as knight in shining armor. Literally. Chris got down on one knee and asked to...tie his shoe. Juan Pablo IS A BUSTED MODEL I RELUCTANTLY CAST IN A PHOTO SHOOT FOUR YEARS AGO. And Ben arrived with his adorable son Brody, who did his dirty work for him. Obviously he won.

So, on to cocktails...

First Impression Rose: surprise! It goes to Ben. Not only is he cute, he's a daddy and his cute son gave Des a rose.

Next, all the tragic stunts come out. Dance moves, poems, and an awkward pool dive by shirtless Zak. It actually earned him a rose, however. Surprise! Next, she meets Bryden, who tells a cute story about a little boy during his time in the Army. He also gets a rose. Clearly the way to her heart is some sort of touching BS. Girls are so predictable.

Later, the rose brigade starts. Juan Pablo plays soccer in front of her. I mean, his accent plus the futbol skills is clearly going to get him some ass. Drew is up next, and his cute parted hair and nervous ways. Obviously he gets a rose because he's cute and nervous and giggly. Larry is tired and wasted as he apologizes for ruining her dress with his dance move. Um...you're a doctor, pull it together.

Jonathan then attempts his fantasy suite trick once again. He pretty much talks himself into a very deep hole. He says he's unlike her former boyfriend (apparently Sean) and that she should have some fun. Desiree politely excuses herself. It was awesome. He then confesses to the camera that his "love tank" is full and has been filling up over time. It was...gross? Awkward? What is a love tank? Soon after, he interrupts her once again, and he tries to bring her back to the fantasy suite. She denies him FOR THE THIRD TIME and she sends him home! Awesome.

Roses go to:

  1. Ben
  2. Zak
  3. Michael G.
  4. Bryden
  5. Nick M.
  6. Drew
  7. Brandon
  8. Zack K.
  9. Will
  10. Brooks
  11. Juan Pablo
  12. Brad
  13. Kasey
  14. James
  15. Robert
  16. Brian
  17. Dan
  18. Chris
  19. Mikey
Byeeeee: Jonathan and a bunch of other dudes. Who cares?


Awards:
  1. Quote: "Will you accept these abs?" Um...no. But nice try, Zak.
  2. Worst suit: Micah, in the suit he designed himself. 
  3. Best dressed: Dapper Dan
  4. Best job title: Zak is a "Drilling Fluid Engineer." Ewwwww.
  5. Hottest: Drew and Dan
  6. Cutest entrance: Chris tying his shoe on one knee
  7. Frontrunners: Ben and Chris. And maybe Drew.
  8. #loser: Kasey, the social media dweeb
Until next week (OMG I can't believe this is happening again),
Mike

p.s. This season looks to be RIPE with drama! I. CAN'T. WAIT.