And the most anticlimactic season ever is over. Also, fondue.

Let's be honest. US Weekly (and our collective instincts) told us weeks ago that stupid Courtney would win. We also knew that if Courtney won, they'd soon break up. Pretty much both are true. 

But let's get to the episode!

First, Lindzi and her chin zit arrive to Zermatt to meet Ben's mom and sister. It's so boring, Lindzi isn't relaxed, and all the conversations are at surface level. My favorite part was Ben's sister coaxing out of Lindzi how horrible Courtney is. Lindzi plays it pretty cool, but she gives Sister enough dirt for Sister to ask Ben about Courtney. My favorite line? "I mean, a model for a sister-in-law? Come on." But wait. 

Completely without surprise, Courtney arrives with a minor herpetic outbreak on her upper lip, and she fools Ben's family into liking her regardless. It's ridiculous. Everything from her pats on Ben's back when they first meet (who pats the person they "love" on their back?) to her overall suckiness makes me believe this is all fixed. Speaking of fixed, Ben is still oddly fixated on Courtney, and I couldn't help but think (no, I'm not trying to be Carrie Bradshaw), how can this dude fake his way through every moment with Lindzi? It's insane. Later, Ben's family gives him the verdict. They like Courtney. Cue the collective vomit fest. 

Next up are the final dates. Ben spends the day skiing the Matterhorn with Lindzi where the first serving of inevitable fondue shows up. Surprise! (Am I the only one that notices that every final date involves fondue?) But before I get to the skiing, WHO ELSE NOTICED THAT LINDZI'S CHIN ZIT WAS BLURRED OUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DATE?!? This was, perhaps, my favorite moment of the entire season: the hovering chin blotter! What's better? Her chin zit had a starring role in later scenes after the ABC editor got bored and tired of blurring that mess all date long. The only other memorable moment of this date was Lindzi ski-humping Ben down the mountain. I mean, who skis like that? She was literally hugging him from behind as they skied down the mountain. Insanity. Later, she tells Ben how much she loves him and he lavishes her in platitudes and general fakery. He couldn't wait for that date to end.

Next, it's Courtney's turn. They take a helicopter (why not...it's the last date and they've only shared 14 helicopter rides already this season) to the Matterhorn and then baby talk while sledding down it. Next, they share fondue (YES! Two for two!) at night, Courtney gives him a producer-made scrapbook, tells him she loves him, and then tells Ben that she's questioning things. Perfect order, if you ask me. Clearly the best option for Ben to prove he loves her is to propose. Later, after Ben leaves, she shares fake tears with the camera about nothing. 

What ever will Ben do?

On the day of the rose ceremony, we suffer through 15 minutes of B-roll footage prior to Lindzi and Courtney getting dressed in their bad dresses and witch capes and flying away to the perfectly-manicured-and-fake-snowed mountain side set to get either dumped or engaged. Kudos to the set designers who so perfectly placed the fake snow (and accompanying spring flowers?!?) on the mountain side on which there was no other visible snow. Awesome. 

Lindzi arrives first in a pretty dress and dreadful green velvet cape. She gets dumped. But first, Ben tells her he loves her. Total d-bag move, if you ask me. The best part? Lindzi has no emotion and we finally realize (for certain) that this entire show was fixed as she clearly stayed for the money to fool us into believing she had a chance. I mean, this girl was barely thrown by being dumped on national television. She was in on the deal the whole time. Good acting, girl.

Next, Courtney shows up (IN LONG BLACK GLOVES...WHAT?!?!) and Ben proposes to her. It was so incredibly touching ridiculously boring and unemotional. Courtney tried to squeeze out a few tears to no avail as Ben tells her she is his "forever." Luckily she took off the left glove before he placed the ring on her cold, dead finger.

This show sucked. Like maybe the worst season yet.

Don't worry, After the Final Rose delivered the surprising (I jest) news that they had already broken up once and it's been tough since the show wrapped. Please, they're already broken up, Ben is rubbing his nasty half-grown scruff on girls all over the Bay Area, and Courtney is laughing all the way from one failed audition to the next in her illustrious failed career as a model/actress.

This show is the worst. And the most anticlimactic season in this show's history is over. 

You're welcome.

Until never,

Mike

The Bitches Tell All

I don't have too much to say about this drawn-out two-hour drama fest, but what I do have to say is the following.

• Samantha officially has the most annoying voice of all time. No one even remembered her until now. And, the morning after the show, my ears are still ringing from her chirping.
• If Shawntel thinks she's going to be the next bachelorette with this crazy campaign in which she reappears season after season, she should give it up.
• Courtney is still fake and annoying. Her "tears" were so manufactured, it was ridiculous.
• Also, anyone else notice Courtney's slip up about her love for Ben? As in, it was in the past tense? Yeah, there was an awesome, "I loved Ben" thrown in there. For all we know, they had already broken up by the time this filmed.

Until next week. In the meantime, start thinking of drinking games to play during the finale!

Mike