Monday, January 30, 2012

Skinny Dipping is for Lovers

We fly south this week and find ourselves in the midst of some HOT HOT HOT Puerto Rican Latin fire. The girls bring the heat this week, as does the weather. (Did you see how swarmy everything looked all episode? I would have been a sweaty mess.)

Nicki is the big winner for the first one-on-one date, and the lovers spend the day on a helicopter (surprise!) and frolicking in the rain. Sorry about your silk dress, Nicki. After the rain ruins their outfits, Ben and Nicki shop for "ethnic" garb, which leaves Ben dressed like a member of the Latino Rat Pack and Nicki looking like a colorful trash bag. They "stumble upon" a wedding at which the bride takes roughly thirty minutes to ascend the stairs, and Ben and Nicki don't make fun of it. It was at this point that I decided they were boring and lacking in fun. Later, at dinner, Nicki forcibly opens up about her divorce and Ben gives her a rose. The end. It was boring. Also, Nicki had a bruise on her arm. That is all.

The next date is a very American affair with some girl-on-girl action involving America's pastime. The nine girls split into two baseball teams, and the winning team gets to spend a nice evening on the beach with the big prize, Ben! Lyndzi is the lucky MVP who gets to play on both teams (ha ha), so she's a winner no matter what. In the end--after three very exciting fake innings--the Red team (Courtney, Kacie, Casey, Jamie, and Lyndzi) beat the Blue team (Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel, and Lyndzi). Blakeley was incredibly athletic (with her tummy tee, natch) and Courtney made a very astute comment: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Let's be honest, we all hate Courtney, but we were all thinking it. One point to Courtney, although it's immediately retracted due to her oddly immobile upper lip. Later, Dad consoles the losers, Blakeley cries, and the Red team flies away in a helicopter while the dejected losers drive home in a cold, dank bus in tears. It's helicopter number two this episode, people. Try to act surprised. Later, on the beach, Ben gives a rose to cute Kacie and is quickly lured away by Courtney the Conniver who awkwardly throws herself on Ben while Ben is less than interested. Luckily we have time for some blurred out side boob as they embrace and make out. She plants the "let's go skinny dipping" seed, and the date soon ends.

The last date goes to Elyse, who's been waiting patiently for her one-on-one all season. Unfortunately this Chicago-bred personal trainer blows it pretty quickly. They are whisked away on a ridiculous yacht for some uncomfortable conversation which is luckily interrupted by the need to jump off the boat to swim instead of talk. But first, Elyse impresses Ben by telling him that she's already accomplished everything she's wanted to accomplish in life. Um...yeah...awesome way to impress a free spirit. "Um, hi. I'm basically done living and all I want to do is marry you and pop out babies because it's socially acceptable." After Ben realizes she's less than interesting, he says "I think we should jump off the boat." Nothing like literally jumping ship to change the subject. Later, at dinner, Ben and Elyse share an awkward dinner where the only thing we can notice is how miserable Ben is. Before long, Ben tells Elyse that there isn't much of a connection, and she's forced to straddle a zodiac rescue boat in a formal dress in order to get booted from the show and drive off into the mist. 

After the date, an emotionally exhausted Ben is greeted at his hotel room by a wine-toting Courtney who is there to offer him a "nightcap." Don't worry, she says "nightcap" four more times before she lets herself into the hotel room, opens up the robe she's wearing (a robe!) to reveal more cleave, and then convinces Ben to skinny dip. His response? "Why the hell not?" Exactly the words any needy girl wants to hear. My favorite part of the whole montage? The blatant cameras and flood lights focused on Ben and Courtney's approach to (and eventual) their nude ocean boning scene. It was 100% awkward, and it was also Courtney's biggest dream in life realized. Another great moment of this night was Courtney's convincing Ben to skinny dip by saying "We're only in Puerto Rico once." Oh really? What about the time you were there two months ago you so rudely reminded us of last week after you got a rose?

The cocktail party is rather uneventful except for Emily apologizing to Ben for bringing up the fact that Courtney sucks last week and promising never to focus on her again...only to dive back in to an anti-Courtney diatribe for five minutes. Hmmm...you'd think a PhD student would be more intelligent.

Roses go to:
1) Nicki
2) Kacie
3) Lyndzi
4) Jamie
5) Rachel
6) Courtney
7) Casey
8) Blakeley
9) Emily

Bye: Elyse and Jennifer. Yes, Jennifer was a surprise.

Awards:
1) Quote: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" - Courtney, on Blakeley.
2) Best Side Boob: Courtney's blurred-out boob on the beach
3) Over it: Ben. Does he really like anyone?
4) Frontrunner: See #3. But I guess I'd say Kacie and Lyndzi with the runner-up going to Courtney because she's easy.

Until next week,
Mike






Monday, January 23, 2012

"I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me."

Ladies and gentleman, friends and foes, lovers and non-lovers,

This episode is brought to you by the state of Utah, underwritten by the Church of Latter Day Saints and Mitt Romney. Why? Because we're in Park City this week, and I may or may not have been driving through while they filmed this episode. Why? I'm famous and I can't divulge too many details. So let's get to it.

The first date goes to Rachel. This is--cue the music--the first helicopter date of the season! The 'copter swoops the lovers up and over to a pristine lake on which they canoe and don't really talk much. After the awkward canoe ride (ride? what do you call canoeing?), they share a rather quiet and un-conversant dinner during which Rachel opens up just enough to secure a rose. Yes, I just reviewed this date in four sentences. Rachel left me with very little to work with.

The next date finds Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney horseback riding through the "country" and fly fishing in waders and boots. Courtney, ever the model/actor in the making, decides this is a great opportunity to turn this group date into a one-on-one. And she does it quite successfully by convincing Ben to fish with her. She also convinced a fish to bite and she was the only one to catch a fish during the entire date. Barf. Later, the girls join Ben at the Waldorf-Astoria. My favorite part? The varied costume choices. We spanned hoodies to cocktail dresses to bikinis and it was amazing. What was also amazing was Samantha getting booted during their one-on-one time dring which she accosted Ben for taking her on three group dates in a row. Ben, ever the father figure, put her in her place and basically told her it was a test and she didn't pass. He sends her home mid-date. Later, Ben takes Kacie aside for some reassuring one-on-one time only to turn around and spend even more time with Courtney (her polar opposite). Courtney, the studied actress, ends up with the rose because Ben is dumb and falls for her conniving ways (she convinced him that she was concerned about things, thus opening up Ben to a lifetime of living with a case of the batsh*t crazies if he eventually chooses her, which he probably will because this show sucks).

The last date goes to sweet Jennifer, our homegrown girl from Oklahoma. They rappel into a crater lake, awkwardly kiss in the water (because of the treading of water and all), and share a rainy evening together. Daddy Ben cannot stop paying her compliments on her kissing ability, and later takes her to a country music concert where they dance awkwardly in front of 1,000 spectators. My. Worst. Nightmare. But whatever, she gets the rose and we think Jennifer is sweet.

At home, during Jennifer's date, the girls do makeovers, and talk sh*t about each other. Obviously the main subject is Courtney, but Courtney gets her chance too, during which she calls Jennifer "normal." You know what, Courtney? There is nothing normal about your bee-sting/paralyzed upper lip. You're annoying and your manager is clearly a rockstar for landing you this gig. Best of luck on The Bachelor Pad next season.

At the cocktail party, Emily decides it's about time to tell Ben about Courtney's conniving ways and general horrible-ness. Unfortunately, her words fall upon rather deaf ears, and Ben doesn't really buy into it, thus making our smart Emily look rather dumb. Boo...Ben, why are you stupid?

Later, Casey S. (apparently Courtney's only friend in the house), finds out that Emily talked to Ben about Courtney and immediately runs to Courtney to tell her. Courtney, the wordsmith she is, responds with, "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." Exactly, Courtney. My thoughts, exactly.

This is followed by a few scenes of blithering bitchiness on the part of Courtney, which eventually lands us at the rose ceremony.

Ugh, girls are exhausting!

Roses go to:
1) Rachel
2) Courtney
3) Jennifer
4) Lindzi
5) Jamie
6) Nicki
7) Kacie B.
8) Elyse
9) Blakeley
10) Casey S.
11) Emily

Bye: Samantha, Monica. Don't worry, they both cry, even though they don't know Ben.

Awards:
1) Thanks, Dad. This award goes to Ben, as he fatherly gives advice and pointers to the girls on a date-ly basis. My favorite this week (Ben to Courtney, about the group date: "I'm surprised how well you did." Thanks, Dad.)
2) Best bee sting lips: Courtney's
3) Best kisser: Jennifer, apparently
4) Front-runners: Kacie and Courtney.
5) Quote: "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." - Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Will Ben call Courtney out on her two bitchy comments at the end of this week's rose ceremony? After Ben told them they'd be heading to Vieques, Puerto Rico, Courtney responds with, "So two months ago." Then she raises her glass for the toast and says, "I can raise my glass higher than everyone." Thanks, Courtney. You're so smart you can actually point out the obvious.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Bridges, fainting and Shawntel

This episode takes us to sunny San Francisco, where we face our fears, ski in bikinis, and get sloppy seconds. Ben is so excited to spend time with the girls in his "hometown" (how many hometowns do you have, Ben?) and the girls do not disappoint when it comes to drama...except for they kind of do after all the previews ABC teased us with prior to this episode. I mean, how many of us thought that Ashley was going to be the Mystery Girl who reappeared for another chance? Boo, hiss.

The first date is one-on-one with Emily. The cute PhD candidate gets schooled when it comes to her fears as she and Ben climb the Bay Bridge together. Speaking from experience, having just climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge myself, this stuff is scary. Especially when it's not a well-traveled tourist destination and you find yourself scaling up a steel beam that collapsed in the late 80s during the big quake. Emily freaks out a bit (her biggest fear is heights), but all is solved when Ben fixes it with a kiss. As if we didn't think that was coming. Later, the two lovers share a dinner on a pier along the Embarcadero, and I think they actually have some chemistry. She shares a rather horrifying story of an online dating set-up with her brother, but all in all, the two hit it off. Emily actually seems normal. Don't quote me on this, but that's what it seemed like. Ben gives Emily the rose and they kiss under fireworks. You know, like every couple does at the end of their first date.

The next date is the group cluster-date, during which they get to realize something on their "leap list" which is something I've never heard of until this episode (brought to you by Honda) made it up. All the girls get to realize their lifelong dreams of skiing down a San Francisco street filled with fake ice/snow on a warm fall day in their bikinis in front of random passersby and Asian townies. I mean, who doesn't have this item on their mythical leap list? It was priceless seeing the girls fall and successfully pull off full-on spread eagle crotch shots for everyone in town? Simply amazing, if I do say so myself. Kacie B. gets the gold for the date by essentially going ass first down the hill until she crashes at the end. Later, the girls go to a bar, they all claw at a chance to make out with Ben and...wait...back to the hotel where the next date card is being delivered to the remaining girls.

Surprise! The next one-on-one goes to Brittney (remember the girl who showed up with her grandma?). Or does it? Brittney seems less than enthused by the idea of a date with Ben, and she tells the girls she's "torn and confused" about the prospect of being with Ben. Thus, she decides to leave the show and interrupt Ben on the group date to share the news of her departure. You know Grandma's pissed!

Back at the group date, Brittney does just that. She tells Ben she's voluntarily leaving, and he's a bit taken aback. But then he makes out with three more chicks and eventually gives the rose to Rachel. Clearly make outs solve everything. I learned that in the 8th grade.

So who gets Brittney's sloppy seconds? Lindzi! Ben and Lindzi share a cute date of trolley rides, ice cream, impromptu concerts at City Hall during which they're serenaded by Matt Nathanson, followed by double-secret cocktails at Bourbon and Branch where she tells Ben how she was once dumped via text message ("Welcome to Dumpsville: population you"). [Remind me to call her ex-boyfriend to get more one-liners. He should monetize these things!] It seemed fun and cute and Ben agrees by giving Lindzi a rose and telling the camera that "she has potential" like he's on House Hunters and debating putting down payment down or something. Um, Ben? Lindzi isn't some trashy townhome in Tampa, she's a woman who wants to maybe be your wife. Let's refer to her as more than "potential."

But then, the drama we've all been waiting for arrives in a slinky red dress to get her man. I thought it was Ashley, maybe Michelle Money, but I did not predict random-ass Shawntel, the funeral director from last season who laid Brad out on an embalming table only to get kicked off. But yes, that's who showed up looking for her chance at love with Ben. She walks in, the girls freak, and she interrupts Ben's time with Elyse to make her case. She sounds a bit crazy when she tells Ben about how she thought there was potential with Ben by watching his season. She also mentions how Ben and she had talked a few times. I this case, I'm pretty sure "talked" means "boned," but whatever. Shawntel asks to be able to attend the rose ceremony, and is here for the opportunity to earn a rose. Ben, a bit dumbfounded, calls the cocktail party quits a bit early. All the girls inevitably freak, and it's amazing. Courtney is mean to the other girls, stirs up some stuff with her oddly-immobile upper lip, and everyone is on edge.

At the rose ceremony, the drama unfolds a bit more. Courtney is not staying if Shawntel gets a rose, Jaclyn is crying, and there is a cat-like nip to the air.

Roses go to:
1) Emily
2) Rachel
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney (Who stays, duh. She has a career to further here!)
5) Kacie B
6) Elyse
7) Jamie
8) Jennifer
9) Casey
10) Blakeley
11) Monica
12) Nicki
13) Samantha
14) We're left with Jaclyn, Erika (who has fainted by this point...literally fainted), and Shawntel. Who does Ben choose? NO ONE! He sends them all home. So we're left with lucky 13.

Byeeeee: Brittney, Erika, Jaclyn, Shanwtel

Awards:
1) Most busted: Jaclyn
2) Best fake faint: Erika
3) Worst upper lip: Courtney
4) Most disgusting tattoo ever: Erika's tattoo INSIDE HER MOUTH. Gross.

Until next week,
Mike

Monday, January 09, 2012

This episode was brought to you by horses, jugs and chiclets

It's only episode two and I'm already tired. This show is simply exhausting, and it drives me to drink and stress eat far too much. Of course I'll never miss an episode as I have adoring fans worldwide, but if I were a free man I would probably be doing more manly and normal things like watching the NCAA national championship game featuring one drunk Southern school versus another. Alas I am not a free man, and I remained chained to two hours of hell on a weekly basis. You're welcome.

This week Ben whisks the girls away to his adopted hometown of Sonoma, CA. The first one-on-one date goes to my personal favorite, Kacie B. from Tennessee (I love her even more now that I just realized her name is a rhyme). Ben picks her up in his old-school Bronco convertible (my dream car!) and they spend the day in downtown Sonoma. At one point, Kacie finds a baton at a toy store and confesses to Ben she was a baton twirler when she was younger. Cue the performance and my embarrassment. But we love Kacie, so it's okay. Later, they budding lovebirds share a dinner at The Girl and The Fig (I love this place) and I think they actually have a connection. Ben gives Kacie a rose at dinner, and then they head to the movie theatre where the feature is old home movies of Kacie as a baby and Ben and his dad. Too soon? Yes. Debbie Downer alert, for sure. This causes Ben to cry on his first date with Kacie...which is both heartwarming and weak. They kiss. Aww...

The second date is a cluster-date with somewhere between 12 and 15 chicks. My idea of a disaster date. First, the girls put on a play with local children of wine snobs (this is Sonoma, after all) that makes me cringe at least 14 times. Granted, I loved the hilarious costumes, but still. And then Ben takes his shirt off on stage. Naturally. Okay, this is the first time Ben has taken his shirt off...including last season. Clearly those biceps were born in the off season. Kudos, ABC.

Later, the girls get to woo Ben in their swimsuits during the gratuitous pool scene. Ben starts kissing everyone, and eventually falls under Blakeley's horse face-jugs-and-chiclet-teeth-fueled evil spell. Poor Jennifer from Oklahoma feels bad and used, and the rest of the girls are just pissed. Samantha put it best, when referring to Blakeley: "We hate her. She's horsey and tranny." I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'll say it anyway. Blakeley (who serves drinks at NASCAR races and poses nude in her real life) has concrete boobs, a veneer flipper, and enough makeup to paint an entire drag queen show twice over. But don't worry, she gets the rose. And Ben's stock plummets.

The next, and last, date goes to Courtney, this season's other Villain. They share lunch, no original thoughts, and then they kiss and she gets the rose. Courtney literally has no thoughts of her own, and only regurgitates everything Ben tells her in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe she should focus less on trying to think of things to say, and more on figuring out how to work her oddly-inactive upper lip.

At the rose ceremony, everything that you would expect to happen actually happens. What's that, you ask? Blakeley is a bitch who interrupts not one, not two, but three girls' conversations with Ben. Jenna is an emotional train wreck who is so far removed from her mood stabilizers I'm thinking the producers hid all sharp objects in a 20-mile radius. Surprise! She cries again (12 times) about absolutely nothing. And the other chicks are grumpy and uneasy about the too-early drama that has blessed the sacred house. Someone refers to Blakeley as a "horse face" which causes her to feign emotion and hide in a bedroom. Ben then finds her (in a room filled with lights and cameras, wow!) and convinces her to come back out and join the living and less-inflated members of the cast. Next, he finds Tears McGee (Jenna) and urges her to do the same...only to dump her five minutes later at the rose ceremony. YES!

So, roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Blakeley
3) Courtney
4) Jennifer
5) Emily
6) Elyse
7) Jaclyn
8) Erika
9) Rachel
10) Lindzi
11) Nicki
12) Casey
13) Samantha
14) Monica
15) Jamie
16) Brittney

Byeee to: Jenna (CRAZY) and Shawn (two-toned hair)

Tonight's awards:
1) Front runner: Kacie
2) Fakest everything (including personality): Blakeley
3) Poster child for what going off your Lithium/Xanax/Valium cocktail could do to you: Jenna.

Until next week,
Mike

Monday, January 02, 2012

I have a feeling we've been here before

Friends, foes, followers and fans,

Here we are again. A new year. A new resolution. A new show. Except the "new" show is being repeated for the 16th time and we just keep coming back for more. Gluttons for punishment we are, and it's just time to admit it: we love this train wreck of a show and we'll never let this love affair die, even though the love found on this show dies 99% of the time. But let's be optimistic this year. At least for tonight. We are the 1% (who still watch this show). If we're not optimistic about love, let's at least be optimistic that these chicks will bring drama and tears for days, because that's all we really care about. Let's also be optimistic that the next bachelorette (season to start May 2012) is one of these 25 young ladies vying for Ben's love but really vying for a chance at stardom all her own.

The episode begins with teasers into nine of the bachelorettes' lives. I love this because ABC fools you into believing these girls will all be contenders. Why else would they waste all this time flying to their hometowns and profiling their lives if they're going to be kicked off early? To fool us, that's why. And, as always, there are a couple of unlucky ones (Amber and Lyndsie [not to be confused with the other ridiculously-spelled Lindzi]...sorry). Of course the other seven will probably be the last seven standing because ABC can't fool us too hard. We're on to you. And it only took 82 seasons.

Before we meet the 25 chicks, let's first catch up with Ben. Oh hi, Ben. You're still cute and still into wine? Great. Also still rocking cute style and a bad haircut? Yup. Ugh...seriously? You couldn't have cleaned up that mop even a little bit?

Back to the girls. I won't profile all 25 because we've seen them all before. But some fun ones stick out. The first lady out of the limo is Rachel. Cute, and totally on trend with bangs. Unfortunately her busted teeth are not so much in season. Sorry. We also have Canadian Bacon...I mean...Amber. There's a Kentucky-bred pageant queen named Samantha, and a VIP cocktail waitress named Blakeley. Don't worry, she's totally on the show for love. I swear. A grandma also gets out of the limo, but only to introduce her cute granddaughter, Brittney (to emphasize her love of family, duh). Jennifer from Oklahoma gets out and tells Ben she tried on 54 dresses before choosing the dazzler of the night (a sparkly navy stunner two sizes too big). Um...methinks you should have tried 55, sweetie. (Props to LC for that comment, and my whole Bachelor-watching crew in ATX who makes my life infinitely better with nonstop banter and ever-flowing wine.) My favorite entrance of the night, though, goes to Anna, a.k.a. Ms. Detroit, who literally walks right past Ben without saying hi. I about died. But then I realized, it's probably how she deals with strangers. Girl can't ever be too safe in the D-town. I also loved Lindzi's entrance on horseback.

Other tidbits I loved tonight:
-The lesbian encounter between Monica and Blakeley on the couch.
-The fight that ensued between Monica (lesbian McGee) and Jenna over literally nothing (as in, eight of us couldn't figure out why Jenna was mad at Monica, and it was awesome). It left Jenna in near hysterics and Monica talking about cutting her.
-Jenna and Monica both being blackout wasted to the point of slurring their incoherent thoughts in hopes of reconciling their invented problems.
-Dianna's homemade dress that made her look like an artisan sausage in white.
-Courtney being profiled as this season's Villain with the role of Back-up Villain played by Monica.

In the end, the First Impression Rose went to Lindzi, the horse lover. She seems nice, but there might be some crazy underneath.

Roses went to:
1) Lindzi
2) Jamie
3) Rachel
4) Blakeley (For ratings, duh. This show needs straight men to watch it.)
5) Emily
6) Kacie
7) Casey
8) Brittney
9) Erika
10) Shawn
11) Nicki
12) Jennifer
13) Elyse
14) Samantha
15) Courtney
16) Jaclyn
17) Monica
18) Jenna

Tonight's awards:
1) Drunky McDrunkerson: Jenna. You had so much potential until the tears started. And your general annoyingness.
2) Worst dress: Casey from KS and Jennifer from OK
3) Hot Mess Express: Jenna
4) Weirdest "Job": VIP Cocktail Waitress (Blakeley from Charlotte, NC). I'm thinking this means she serves drinks at NASCAR races.
5) Villain: Courtney and Monica
6) Front-runner(s): Kacie and Lindzi. Big hopes for Kacie from TN.

Until next week!
Mike