Cirque de So Gay

Lovers and friends,

Since I last posted, New York has seen a dreaded 18+ MORE inches of snow, and another solid week of boot-wearing. (My duck boots look fantastic, by the way.) While we brace for the next winter storm coming tonight through Wednesday (which NBC's Ann Curry histrionically dubbed perhaps "the biggest winter storm in history"), I took it upon myself to enjoy half-off bottles of wine prior to this evening's viewing in order to mute the impending drama of The Best Show on Television. Thank god for the sensory-deprivation brought on by alcohol.

So we're done with the luxury of LA and we're flying east to the sin of Vegas as tonight's episode marks the end of the glamorous life in the hills of Hollywood and we slowly but surely move to the sin of the desert and beyond. While I will never understand the lure to and love of Vegas, we find ourselves here once again, for the 82nd season in a row. Why these trannies freak out about this plastic manufactured non-city is beyond me, but they do. Maybe it has something to do with Brad's plastic and manufactured non-personality. Or the fact that they're all strippers in the making, but I digress...

The 11 remaining ladies arrive to the Aria Las Vegas to begin a week of a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date in which one is guaranteed a flight home. The lovers are greeted by Brad and escorted to their lovely corner suite overlooking the desert and urban sprawl that is America's Worst City, and they greet it with expected gasps and glee. I barf, take another sip of wine, and brace myself for the night ahead.

The one-on-one date goes to Shawntel, the resident Funeral Director, because every group of women needs to have one funeral director, right? The date begins with every woman's dream: an all expenses-paid shopping spree in one of the country's biggest malls. Granted, I would die of horror because I hate malls, but Shawntel and Brad eat it up and spend ABC's hard-earned money at Prada, Fendi, Bally, et cetera. [Sidenote: has anyone else noticed Brad's un-tame-able cowlick? It's hilarious. He's like Dennis the Menace with biceps and nothing of worth to say.] Needless to say, Shawntel ends her afternoon with a hell of a lot more loot than she started with, and it's on to the evening portion of the date (after pissing all the girls off by bragging about her newfound fashion, of course). Part two takes place on a rooftop overlooking Vegas where Shawntel tells Bromack all about her "passion" that is funeral directing and embalming cadavers. You know, normal first date talk. Even through the ins and outs of the "vein drain" and other morbid stats, Shawntel walks away with a rose. Do they have a connection, or is Brad just scared she'll embalm him? Not sure.

Date two is the group date, which takes place at the racetrack. Great. Good thinking, Brad. Make sure the only date that has to do with NASCAR is the date on which you bring the chick (Emily) whose dead husband is a former NASCAR racer who died en route to a race. Awesome. Oh...what's that? You didn't think about that before you planned the date? Well, we're not surprised, since you don't actually have a brain. But if you did (you know, for the next time, after you fail to propose AGAIN), try not to make the same mistake twice. So Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle join Brad for some race-car-driving action. Brad quickly notices that Emily is uncomfortable, at which point Emily tells Brad about her dead husband's NASCAR past. Ooops. Awkward. Let's be honest: Brad's reaction to this is classic and awesome. By that I mean that he is totally weird and unemotional. Super.

Later, we end the group date in bathing suits (because all group dates need to end near some sort of pool), or as this portion of the date should be titled: The Brad Gun Show. Holy sh*t, did everyone notice the gratuitous shots in each and every scene of Brad's humongo arms? Crazy. Anyways, Alli freaks out because Emily has had too much one-on-one time and she's pissed that she lacks a sob story and a dead husband. Chantal cries to Brad too. Michelle whisks Brad away in her usual slut-meets-freakshow manner, and they make out in a poolside cabana. But at the end of the night, Emily gets the rose because her story is the saddest. So there.

The last date is the two-on-one between Ashley S. and Ashley H. Oh, the drama. Two best friends forced to compete head-to-head over Bromack. They quickly go backstage to one of Vegas's "biggest shows," Cirque de Soleil, Elvis style! They jump right in to rehearsals, during which Ashley H. is the clear performer. We soon learn that Brad and only one of the two Ashleys will be performing in the actual show, suspended in the air to Elvis's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" (why yes, why do you ask?). The awkward crotch-hugging situation with Brad's harness was awesome, by the way. Who will he choose to perform with?

We quickly cut to dinner where Brad makes his choice. Ashley you're great. And you, Ashley? You're great too. But, I choose you: Ashley H. In his words, "Ashley S., I think you will make an extraordinary wife. I don't think you'll make an extraordinary wife for me." Way harsh, Ty. And the rose goes to Ashley H. I would have preferred way more drama here, but whatever. Couldn't they have fought over Brad a little more and dismantled a friendship by doing so? Ugh...and then we had to see Ashley S's fake tears as she cried her way off the show. Couldn't they have at least given her fake tears so we believed she was sad? And then Brad goes back to Ashley H. to kiss her. And horribly perform in Cirque de Soleil. Did everyone see Brad's eye makeup? I literally died. He was like one mascara stroke away from a gay glowstick-wielding club kid (especially with those Army fatigues!). We're talking Cirque de So Gay. And kudos to the directors for scoring Brad and Ashley H's performance to "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" to Ashley S's car ride home. AWESOME!

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad has his weekly consult with his therapist. Is this going to be a new segment in every season, or is this just because Brad has a bad track record and lacks a thought process? Brad soon arrives to the lady-suite, where Chantal is the first to accost him. Brad said, "You have to stop giving me so much crap." It was awesome. Then Brad made Alli "feel special" by serving her champagne and dessert. It was actually sweet, although he did that because she called him out on it on the group date. So...eh...not sure.

Then Cray-Cray Michelle takes him to the bedroom (in her zebra-print mini-dress and far too much makeup) and tells him not to speak, while she tells him how she's "different" from all the other girls, and it's "time to send some girls home." Yup, she's completely crazy. And Brad is scared.

And the roses go to:

1) Shawntel

2) Emily

3) Ashley H.

4) Michelle

5) Alli

6) Britt

7) Jackie

8) Chantal

Byeee: Ashley S., Marissa, Lisa (excuse me, who are you?)

Awards:

1) W.T.: Michelle

2) Frontrunner: Emily

3) Best harness moment: Brad's business in his suspension harness at Cirque.

Until next week,

Mike

From Sundance to Slumdance

Having landed just hours ago from Sundance, I was very excited to transition from the nation's hottest film festival, ripe with rising stars and stunning cinema, to the nation's most horrible show, ripe with blank stares and stunning idiocy. Yes, just as the flight was a bit turbulent, the transition from film to failure has been a bit bumpy. Oh, Bromack, thanks for reminding me that you are NOT an actor and I am back in reality. Just yesterday I was rubbing elbows and sipping wine with Patrick Wilson and Adrien Grenier...today I guzzle wine sans celebs and jet-laggedly fast-forward through painful TV. While being famous is...well...famous, coming back to reality is sobering indeed. Even when you're drunk on wine. Talk about going from Sundance to Slumdance. Here goes...

Tonight, we join Brainless Bromack on three dates. But first, Michelle wakes up with an inexplicable black eye. Has her ego clocked her across the face? Did the girls gang up on her in her sleep and beat her into a pulp? Who cares. All I know is I am loving the fact that she's got a shiner. What's better? She says, "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." Yup, she's crazy.

The first date is a one-on-one with Chantal O. The lovebirds are whisked away via helicopter to a cloudy Catalina Island. Chantal freaks about getting in the water, but she takes the plunge (literally) for Brad. They look like aliens in their sea-bed-walking gear, but they hang out underwater and even butt their heads to fake kiss. Horrible. They finish up with drinks, dinner and kissing on the beach. Brad is falling for her and he feels like he can be himself with Chantal. Awww...now Chantal and every other girl has heard the same thing. So sweet.

Meanwhile, back at the manse: Michelle has her hourly freak out and cry session. We don't care.

Back to Bromack and Chantal. They kiss more...it seems fine...whatever. She gets a rose. Is this season boring as hell?

The second date is the group clustermess. Nine girls and Brad go to the radio taping of "Loveline" with Mike and Dr. Drew (who is Mike?!?). It gets super deep when they all open up and share themselves with the American listening public. By "super deep," I mean surface-level and cliched. Who else noticed Dr. Drew's face the whole time? He's totally humiliated that he's on this trainwreck of a show. I mean, he's also on MTV's "16 and Pregnant," so I guess he didn't stoop too low for Bromack. But still. At least those knocked up hussies actually need therapy. Brad just needs a personality.

Next the girls and Brad head to--you guessed it!--a hot tub after party. The girls take Dr. Drew's advice by showing initiative. Maybe a little too much, as, one by one, they basically elbow their way in front of Brad for some private time. People are cut off, interrupted, and cried to. Messy. The only well-spent time was with Britt, who I think is super cute. Ashley H. freaks out and is stupid. And at the end, Britt gets the rose.

Next up is the long-time-coming and equally dreaded one-on-one with Shiner McGee/Crazy/Michelle. Of course, the lead-up to the date is a classic study in selfish and annoying behavior. Michelle is upset that her date card says something like "Let's hang out," and doesn't include the word "love." Okay over-thinker, step away from the ledge. Even better, Brad arrives to pick Michelle up, but first (thank god!), he asks to see Ashley H. so he can talk her off her own little ledge. Fine. What's better? Michelle, being the selfish brat she is, freaks out and bitches to the girls by saying that Ashley is "stealing" her time with Brad. Chantal puts her in her place by saying she did the same thing on the first group date when she was a baby and didn't film her scene because she was jealous of all the other girls kissing Brad. At this point, I don't just think she's annoying; I genuinely and actively dislike her. I also LOVE Chantal for putting this choo-choo in her place. But before the date begins, let me call out the massive amount of coverup that must have been applied to her messy eye to cover up what we all know is there.

Next, Selfish Shiner yanks Brad away and they drive to Brad's house for their date. A helicopter shows up and takes them to the top of a building so they can rappel off the side. But of course Michelle is afraid of heights and freaks out and cries like a baby. But Brad, with his winning personality and endless support (good god, I hope you sense sarcasm), helps her over the ledge, at which point she starts referring to Brad as "babe." Um, do you even know him? Slow down, Crazy. You've got a whole building to rappel down...and then probably five more hours with which you can further ruin the date. Don't "babe" him this early. But of course they kiss as they descend because why not? Who else thinks she's not even afraid of heights? She's just horrible, not height-afraid.

After the descent, they jump into the pool with their clothes on and make out. Bromack's tat makes another cameo and we remember his trashy roots...in case we had actually forgotten them. What we didn't forget is that Brad has no brain and no original thoughts. He reminds us of that every five minutes. Later, Crazy shares dinner with Brad. They talk about her daughter and Brad wants to meet her. I think it's weird because they've hung out for an hour. But that's just me being a good future dad. (Sidenote: the daughter's name is Brielle? Really, Michelle? Why not just Brie? That's a gorgeous name, and I happen to know and adore a pretty kick-a$$ baby Brie. The "elle" just announces a questionable past and an inability to make good decisions.) Then Michelle tells Brad that she doesn't see him with any of the other girls. Okay, I officially detest her. Can't she at least pretend she's nice? Nope...because she throws herself back on him in the hot tub. She gets a rose because Bromack knows she's a guarantee in the sack. America lets out a collective sigh.

At the rose ceremony, everyone is on edge. Who will be let free to be able to find a husband actually worth having? Not sure. First, we have some drama to get through. The therapist shows up first so Brad can hear things like this: "So you're more present...the good news is you know how to be aware of you." Like, aware of nothing? Is that the awareness he's referring to? Moving on...

Some chicks spend some time with Brad before the ceremony, but Brad makes significant efforts to have a little private picnic with Emily. So yeah, he likes her. And yeah, everyone freaks out. So outside Brad and Emily reestablish their connection and recreate their vineyard date (minus the fear-inducing plane ride that brings up memories of dead husbands, because that would just be mean).

Later, Chantal interrupts Brad after a minor teary freak-out. Brad reassures her and tells her that "she is everything that (he) (has) not been with in the past." Um...wait...did Brad just say something smart? Or did he just use syntax to fool us into believing he just made a point. I think the latter.

So the roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Britt

3) Michelle

4) Ashley S.

5) Alli

6) Emily

7) Shawntel

8) Lisa

9) Jackie

10) Marissa

11) Ashley H.

Byeee to: Meghan, Lindsay, Stacey. Graceful exits, too.

Tonight's awards...

1) Quote: "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." -Michelle.

2) Fugliest: all the girls in the morning. Sweeties, you're on national TV. Powder your face and take off the glasses. You have a boring husband (and me) to impress!

3) Crazy: Michelle

4) Frontrunner: Emily. Kinda nervous their life together would be filled with awkward silence, though.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. If you all don't start commenting soon, I don't know if I can go on. People, I don't do this for myself. Speak up!

P.P.S. Next week looks ridiculous.

Daddy Issues

So a bottle of wine down (and five days away from my first Sundance appearance), I turn on the Best Program in Television. There are three dates tonight and only so much dignity I have left after watching this mess for 82 seasons...so...yeah...let's get started.

The first date is a one-on-one with Ashley S. (Ms. First Impression Rose), the 24 year-old NYC nanny. She and Bromack head to Capitol Records in Hollywood to sing perhaps the worst rendition of Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" ever heard by our collective ears. What we don't know before our ears burn off in misery is that this is Ashley's song with her dad (her dead dad). Daddy issues, people. Clearly I mute the television in horror as they murder their way through the song. I also mute it as Bromack tells Ashley that "she makes (him) feel relaxed that (he) can be (him)self with her." Yup, you said the same thing to three girls last week. Then...surprise!...Seal makes a cameo to show them how you actually sing the song "Kiss From a Rose." Why is his face so messed up, you ask? Heidi Klum's beauty melted it off. Clearly. Then Bromack tells Ashley again that, "This is the first date I can truly be myself," because he's never said that before...except for 20 minutes ago. Clearly he kisses Ashley and gives her a rose. Especially after she talks about her dead dad.

The next date is a busy mess of filming action movies with far too many neon-clad activewear-donning bimbos. Michelle and all her crazy is sure to attend this date, as is Shawntel and her acting and kissing prowess. Brad sets up the date by stating this gem: "I love to get dirty, and I want a wife that does the same thing." Don't we all? I mean, in my case I don't like being dirty and I don't want a wife, but you get the idea, no? After they film their action flick, the crew heads to a--wait for it--rooftop pool party. Dead Dad Story #2 soon comes out as Chantal shares her sob story with Brad. Is he putting it together than everyone has lost someone, or is he too busy thinking of the next bland thing to say? Methinks the latter. I also think that Brad's boobs are bigger than most of the girls' boobs this season. Is this an issue? Well, we don't have time to think about it, because Michelle and her crazy show up to the party and she interrupts his one-on-one time with Alli (whose boobs may actually outsize Brad's). In addition, I would like to point out Brad's classy cross tattoo. Real religious, that one. Shawntel gets the rose.

The last date is the much anticipated one-on-one with Emily, a.k.a. the "Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa." The date is all about breaking down Emily's walls. She gets her big chance to tell Bromack about her dead husband and (alive) daughter. But first they have to take a dreaded flight to wine country. For the first half of the date, Brad pushes Emily to open up and she doesn't take the bait. Then, magically, the sun sets and she comes clean at dinner. Bromack has not only broken down her walls, he's broken down his own. Is he actually falling for her? Are his own messy walls crumbling? He gives Emily a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Brad meets with his therapist (what?!?!) while wearing his 82nd henley of the night. Kudos to the styling team for staying on trend and ensuring we can see Brad's guns in all his slutty tops. The therapist tells Brad that he's allowing women in. Yay for Brad. Unfortunately he has yet to let a personality in and he's a net zero. Baby steps...

At the rose ceremony, Michelle stays in character and is mad that he talks to anyone but her. Um, you're on the Best Program on Television, The Bachelor. The Bachelor is going to talk to all the women because it's a trashy dating show and he needs to make "informed" decisions about who he's not going to propose to. So stop being Crazy. Playing her role, though, she interrupts another conversation of Brad's to instigate their first "fight." Underscored by crazy carnival music, Michelle asks him to explain himself for kissing other girls. Oddly, he stills likes her and seems utterly fooled by her antics, while the rest of America is dying. Luckily we can chalk this up to Brad's idiocy. So we're good.

Madison, the fang-wearing actress, quickly sheds her fangs while talking to Brad and says she's thinking of leaving. We also get to see her side-boob in this conversation, which is going to do her no favors in her acting/modeling career. Next on the threatening-to-leave team is Ashley H. But Bromack tries to reassure her...by giving her a sloppy kiss.

And the winners are:

1) Ashley S.

2) Shawntel

3) Emily

4) Michelle

5) Chantal

6) Goes to...um...wait...Madison then excuses herself in a moment of drama saying she would rather go home than take a rose from someone more deserving. Awesome. As an actress, we hope she gets the attention she's after and lands some other reality show contract to further her D-level career. Best of luck.

6) Lisa. Who are you, again?

7) Jackie

8) Ashley H.

9) Marissa

10) Britt

11) Alli

12) Lindsey

13) Meghan. Who?

14) Stacey

Byeeeeeeee: Madison, Kimberly, Sarah.

Awards:

1) Quote. "I want to be in Tahiti practicing making babies with Brad" (or something similar). Michelle.

2) Worst costume: Madison's fangs.

3) Crazy: Michelle.

4) Frontrunner: Emily.

5) Best mascara tears yet: Sarah's!!! YES!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. I hope to land from Sundance in time for a very timely blog, but it depends on who discovers me. Or if I'm on a date with Jake Gyllenhaal.

P.P.S. In honor of MLK Day, I would like to point out (with the help of others) that there are no black contestants. Um...do I need to say I have a dream?

And the drama begins

Pour the wine. Dim the lights. Pop a sedative. And dig in. The worst show on TV is back, and the worst bachelor ever has returned. We're all choosing this mess over the BCS National Championship game (Go Ducks!), and we're torn. It's going to be all about self-medication this season, people, and I really don't know how we'll survive. But I'm hopeful that we'll come out of this alive, and better than ever. Okay, that was a lie. I really just hope we come out of this alive and only slightly hungover. We're looking at roughly 20 to 30 hours of wasted time here. To me, that's 20 to 30 bottles of wine. But I'm committed. In the weakest sense of the word, yes, but committed all the same.

So let's get to it. The first date with Bromack goes to Ashley H., the dentist. She wears a dress that makes her look like a cake topper, but we'll forgive her for a minute. Brad picks Ashley up in a hot convertible that he could never afford and whisks her away to...wait for it...a dark dirt road. Totally romantic, right? Especially when their navigating the dark dirt road in formal wear and heels (on her, not Brad). But then they flip a light switch, and on turns the carnival. They ride rides, take photo booth shots, share a rather intense first kiss, and then share an even more intense first convo. Turns out they both have distant dads (hers is homeless, his is just gone--she wins) and his walls come crashing down. Granted, the torn down walls reveal a guy just as boring as before, but at least he was honest. He's falling for her. He even says he can "just be me." Forget about the fact that "me" is boring and weird, but at least he's himself? Needless to say, Ashley gets a rose.

Date number two is a clusterf@*$. I mean 15 girls on one date? Really? First, the 15 ladies "give back" by filming Red Cross awareness commercials with Brad. Give blood, people. The commercials and acting are horrible, and as expected, the fangs come out (literally at one point). Melissa interrupts a scene she's not in by entering the set and kissing Brad, Michelle storms off the set because it's her birthday and she's not getting what she wants, and Britt takes her kissing scene to the next level. Is anyone else actually believing that she's 30? As a wise 31-year-old myself, I ain't falling for this mess. Girlfriend looks a good 38. Just sayin'. After the filming, the small army heads to an after party on a rooftop where Melissa gets her much-wanted one-on-one time after which she is confronted for being crazy by Rachel. Melissa is quickly shaping up to be this season's crazy, or Cray Cray for short. Michelle the bitchy birthday girl gets the rose because Brad feels bad, and that is that.

Date three is a one-on-one with Jackie. Combined, neither seem to have much to offer, let's be honest. It's like the couple you invite to all your parties because they're pretty and it's good to have pretty friends, but they add nothing to the situation and you always seat them at one end of the table so they don't drag everyone down. Right? Glad we're on the same page. (Sidenote: all my friends are hot, obvi, but I'm just trying to make a point.) Back to the date. It's romantic, they get pampered, she gets dresses and jewelry, and even gets her name on the Hollywood Bowl sign. Famous (like me). At the Bowl, they share a romantic dinner on stage. Are they clicking? Is this fun? We're not sure. And then Brad is completely dumbfounded by the fact that she's barely dated. He's like uber-concerned about the fact that this may be too much of a risk for him and he's inventing problems for himself. Um, projecting much? Remember three years ago when you left two idiots at the alter? But he gives her a rose anyway because he wants to give this a "shot." It's like he's just prolonging the break up. But whatever. Then Train shows up and plays their overplayed song. They dance. They kiss (to the song "Marry Me" no less!!!! Premature, no?). And it's over.

Back at the rose ceremony, Bromack arrives and is immediately assaulted (or taken away, depending on the eyes of the viewer) by Michelle. Her first question for him? "Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?" Important stuff, people. Groundbreaking, in fact. Is Michelle Cray Cray, or is Melissa? Well...it might still be Melissa. Because she confronts Rachel again. Pretty sure about nothing and I can't really figure out what Melissa's motives are. Regardless, Rachel gets bent out of shape, Melissa spins it that Rachel's actually crazy, and we have confirmation. Melissa is Cray Cray #1. The b*tches both go to Ashley S. to vent, to which Ashley responds (smartly), "Worry about yourself." Thank you. Could not have said it better myself.

Don't worry Bachelorites, the drama continues. Melissa then sits down with a wide-eyed Bromack to win him over to her side. He responds with "Oh my god, you're crying." What he really means is, "OMG you're Cray Cray and it's been two days." Melissa continues with the fact she feels targeted by Rachel. And next she says she's had four slices of pizza with onions. Because that's important. Like really important, and totally pertinent to the situation she's created in her crazy mind. Just as important as the bottle of wine I just HOUSED because this show is so horrible. But it gets better because Rachel cries to Brad next. Oh poor brainless Brad.

Luckily Chris interrupts the situation with a feisty little twist. Who is here for the right reasons? Ali and Roberto show up to help us out with this, with what I'm sure is their last public appearance before their break-up that has already happened. They grill each of the girls one by one. The looks on their faces are priceless. Like, was this really in our contract? We don't even love each other and now we have to listen to Melissa cry one minute after meeting us? They don't even know who Rachel is, and yet they have to listen to this mess? Poor kids. A couple comments: 1) Roberto wasn't sweating; and 2) Ali looks older. Right? Roberto has relaxed and Ali has aged. Typical.

After Ali and Roberto's chats and their download to Bromack, he gives a rose to Emily.

Roses go to

1) Ashley H.

2) Michelle

3) Jackie

4) Emily

5) Chantal O.

6) Sara

7) Alli

8) Kimberly

9) Shawntel N.

10) Stacey

11) Ashley S.

12) Madison

13) Lisa

14) Marissa

15) Meghan

16) Lindsey

17) Britt

So both Melissa and Rachel go home...a first-ever surprise dismissal of the crazy one!

Tonight's awards...

1) Frontrunner: Ashley H.

2) Villain: Michelle

3) Crazy (Cray Cray): Melissa. Good riddance.

4) Least attractive crop of girls in this show's history: Bingo...this season's.

5) Worst dressed: The Oregon football team. Who are they kidding with neon green/yellow socks and shoelaces and wing decals on their jerseys?

Until next week,

Mike

Return of the (Bro)Mack

I know, I said I was on vacation (and I am), but I caught the last 45 minutes of this certifiable trainwreck last night, after a bottle of wine and a delicious dinner on the beach. First off , ABC has officially lost its collective marbles in re-casting Brad Womack—hereafter known as Bromack—after two of its most successful iterations of the show in recent history (Jake and Ali). I mean, does this guy even have a job? Let alone a personality?!? Besides standing up two women on national television during his first stint as the Bachelor, Bromack is the quintessential spineless Yes Man. He has no personality, is entirely disingenuous, and adds nothing to any situation besides some nicely coiffed stubble. I mean, talking to Bromack is like talking to a brick wall with a beard. Sure the guy is good looking, but aren’t we all?

I won’t get in to the run-down of each and every of the 30 (30?!?) hoes desperately vying for a chance at spending their lives with a personality-free brick wall, but I will share some highlights I saw.

What’s with the girl who repeatedly got interrupted during her time with Brad? The blonde one from Illinois wearing The. Most. Heinous. dress in recent memory? Um…yeah, that’s why you got screwed, woman. Seriously. Royal blue floor-length satin with a faux-diamond-encrusted choker neck? Who are we kidding with that? This isn't prom circa 1994.

Madison has legitimate fangs? I just can’t. Is she serious with that mess? Sure, Bromack has abs, but this isn’t Twilight, and he isn’t Taylor Lautner. (Doesn't Twilight have something to do with vampires? Clearly I haven't seen it.)

Jackie is an embarrassment to us all when she sings to Bromack an improvised song with her horrible voice.

Ashley S. is cute, and thus wins the First Impression Rose. But as devil’s advocate, did anyone else think everything she said was rehearsed and entirely gaming him? I mean, who really just wants to be his friend and confidant throughout all this. Not me. (I also secretly love that she’s this down-home Southern chick who is a nanny in the City. Those poor city kids are going to grown up with a twang and they’ll never be accepted in East Hampton.)

So with that, Bromack chooses his 20 lady friends to whom he will offer no substance this season.

1) Ashley S.

2) Michelle the mom and “woman”

3) Kimberly

4) Madison the fang-wielding monster

5) Emily

6) Rachel

7) Kelty (sp?)

8) Ashley H.

9) Megan

10) Lisa M.

11) Lindsey

12) Allie

13) Sarah P.

14) Marissa

15) Brit

16) Stacy

17) Shauntelle M.

18) Jackie

19) Melissa

20) Shauntelle O. Because why wouldn’t there be two Shauntelles?

Awards:

1) Worst dress: The heinous blue number with the diamond neckline. Yowza. She got a bargain at Filene’s on that one.

2) Personality-free: Bromack

3) This season’s Villain: Michelle

One last note: looks like the travel budget is back up, people. Goodbye recession, hello Anguilla, Costa Rica, and South Africa! At least they’re spending money on something, ‘cause good lord we know Bromack came cheap!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Follow me on Twitter @mhondorp

Beach > Bachelor

Lovers and friends,

I'm ringing in the new year with a tan. What does that mean? It means I'm not holed up watching what's his name re-disaster-ify our lives by not choosing a wife. Rather, I'm enjoying a glass of wine (or 12) in Florida on the beach. Brad Womack (and his b*tches) can wait a week for me to rip him a new one. How old is he, anyway?

So here's to a great new year, a nice tan, and being famous.

Love you all.

Until next week,

Mike