So I flew back from Barcelona (that's "Barthelona" to you) this afternoon after being upgraded by the boys at the American Airlines counter, and although "I don't blog the B*tches Tell All" episode, I have a few choice thoughts for you as I begin to figure out how I'll be attacking my newly-gained tapas weight at the gym this week. Ahhh, the jet-setting life I live. LA and Barcelona this past week, South Bend, Indiana in two weeks. My life is pure glamour. Almost too glamorous to take a week off from the blog. But you knew I'd do this (both blog and freak out over too many tapas, duh). I have the energy and heart for it. After all, I was able to nap in my fully-flat business class seat, as opposed to what could have happened with the plebes in coach. Can you imagine taking off without having champagne first? It's too much to fathom right now, so on to the episode.
1) There were two dudes in the audience. But only one at a time. Any one else notice that halfway through the episode, the dark-haired guy wearing a purple shirt on the left-most seat of the front row turned in to a light-haired guy wearing a tan blazer? What did they pay the lone straight dudes to show up at the girliest event of the year? And where were the gays?
2) Did Chris have a little spruce-up job? He looked very "refreshed" tonight. Maybe it's the jet lag, but Chris was looking good. Nothing like a little botox to cured the mid-winter blues.
3) This Rozlyn mess is just that, a big mess. We all know she boned the help; why can't she fess up? And how awkward was it when she accused Chris of hitting on the fired producer's wife in New Zealand? That was low. And awkward for Chris!
4) What is with Jake's bad outfits? Why the crewneck sweater under the suit tonight? And what about the tie to come in the finale?!?
5) You could totally hear the ball in Jake's throat as he addressed Ali breaking his heart (after seeing her for the first time since she left). Amazing.
6) I have the tiniest of suspicions that Jake is not happy with what happens. He looked tired, bloated and far too un-tan to be happy. Boy needs a business class trip to Barcelona.
6) The next Bachelorette is totally Ali. If it's not, I quit.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. How about Molly and Jason's upcoming wedding? I have some Grand Rapids hometown heroes who are attending the secretive ceremony and have signed their lives away to ABC so even my mom and her tennis/golf gabbing friends haven't leaked the deets. But the wedding's this weekend!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
To Bone or Not To Bone
Kids...I'm blogging from my couch in New York and I woke up in sunny LA. What does that mean? It means I'm famous and I had to do some LA appearances over the long weekend. Bel Air, WeHo, Malibu, Santa Barbara, the Hills...you name it, I was there and so was the paparazzi. I stood by for an earlier flight in order to blog this mess, so stand by for some drama. And let me say, it's such a relief to be back in reality where I'm no longer followed by helicopter-razzi dying for my picture. Let me also say: why do I live in a place where it isn't 75 and sunny in mid-February? Stupid New York.
It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.
First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.
Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.
Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.
Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!
Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Vienna
Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.
Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?
Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...
Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.
Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),
Mike
It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.
First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.
Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.
Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.
Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!
Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Vienna
Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.
Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?
Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...
Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.
Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),
Mike
Monday, February 08, 2010
Bache-saster
Ladies and gentleladies, we may have just witnessed The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. I hate to say it, but ABC may have actually told the truth for once. It's too soon to determine if it was actually TMDRCE, but I gotta feelin'...
It's hometown date night, and our first stop is the Jersey Shore!! Oh wait...it's actually New York, but it felt like next season's spin off of the Jersey Shore. It will hereby be titled The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love. But back to the action, Jake meets Gia and they tour the city via boat. Later, the lovers meet her family at a tragic restaurant on 85th and 2nd. The cast of The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love includes Gia, her mom Donna, the step dad, the stepbrother (hereafter known as "The Occasion"), and some dumb little brother figure who didn't get a hot second of air time. In short, the mom is a hot mess who requires subtitles and also drinks white wine on ice, The Occasion is a vision of Staten Island glory with Versace shades and enough hair gel to ignite a city block, and the other two are forgettable. The family questions Jake as to whether or not he'd "have her back" in light of trouble, as though they were entering into the West Side Story redux or something. It was brilliant. It was totally Landfill of Love. Quote of the night, courtesy of The Occasion: "If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I will." Aww, touching.
Date two takes us to idyllic Williamstown, MA. Nothing like the Berkshires to instill a little love. Here, Jake and Ali reunite and we realize all over again why they're the best couple on the show. She is too cute for words, and the whole day is a success. From visiting dead Grandma's house, to a nice night with the family (mom, sis and bro), it just feels right. Granted, the dinner looked gross, but overall, it was great. The mom envisions them getting married. Ali agrees, when she says, "If you asked me today I would say yes." Yay! We love Ali and Jake. It's a marriage in the making!
Next, we travel to Newburg, Oregon to meet Tenley and her cute family. At first it feels a little forced and fake, but then that goes out the window when Tenley performs a choreographed dance to Pachelbel's "Canon in D," (better known as every woman's wedding march). It was awkward, I wanted to mute the TV, but Tenley has killer calves and nice moves. Heinous yet touching. Next, we head to her house where we meet her cute family. Mom, Dad and Sister eagerly await the couple's arrival, and they all cry when they arrive. The tears continue through the steak dinner, during the one-on-one time with the two parents and Jake, and again at the end. But overall, the family is very cute, the date was touching, and their house was quaint and cute. They all give Jake their blessing. Mom admits that Tenley will have "emotional spillovers" for some time about her ex-husband (who was mentioned far too much throughout the day), but if anyone is prepared to love again, it is Tenley. Jake's fears about her ex-husband are allayed. So yay for Tenley and her cute family. She finally seemed to relax by the end of the date, and she didn't seem as uncomfortable. Is there a true romance brewing?
Last, it's the hometown date we've all been waiting for. We travel south to the gator-infested waters of Florida, where we meet the hair-dye-infested Vienna and her tragic, most likely incestuous family. After a sassy little pontoon boat ride, we get right down to business. We meet the family: Mom, Dad, Sister and Chihuahua in pink. Upon seeing his daughter, Dad begins to cry. The Vienna cries, and the weirdness begins. Is there something going on with Dad and V? Am I reading too much in to what seems to be an awkward relationship? Dad quickly whisks Jake away to his toolshed where he puts this little treasure out there for all of us to enjoy (re-worded because I couldn't actually listen when he delivered it): "I treat my daughter like a princess, and I'd expect the same out of you. If you treat her like a princess, you'll come home and the house will be cleaned, the kids will be raised..." Wow, nothing like a father who has only the highest hopes and respect for his daughter. Quick question: any one else think Dad looks like a mix between a cross-eyed gator hunter and Saddam Hussein? Yeah...thought so. Back at dinner, the family enjoys some tasty hot dogs and beans (we're in the middle of Florida near a river, what do you expect?), and the family isn't surprised that everyone is jealous (or hates) of their little Vienna. Question number two: would anyone be surprised if no one in Vienna's family knew that Vienna was actually a beautiful city in Austria? Yeah...didn't think so. After dinner, the lovebugs go make out in Vienna's bedroom next to the picture of Vienna kissing her father. I won't comment. What I will comment on is when Dad walks in on them making out. I secretly think he wanted to join. The date soon ends, and we all take a break to shower off the nasty from witnessing this special dad/daughter relationship. Shout out to my couchmate and lovebug for the shower comment.
Back at the Beverly Wilshire, we're all set to get dressed to ditch a girl at the next rose ceremony when the drama really heats up. Ali drops the bomb on Jake, letting him know that it's either him or her job...as in she'll be fired if she stays on the show any longer. Okay, let me begin. 1) This happened last season with Ed and I'm over it. 2) Don't contestants have to have this cleared with their employers BEFORE they come on the show? 3) How douchey does Ali's boss feel for making her choose between work and love? As Ali breaks down, Jake gives unfailingly good advice, but stops short of really asking her to stay. It's a mess, and I predicted this last week (with the help of some key Bachelorites).
Later that evening, Ali arrives in a cute dress looking, unfortunately, a bit dissheveled. Poor thing. The girls line up one by one, and Ali soon asks for some time with Jake, where we anticipate her decision. Will she stay or will she go? Ali is a mess, Jake is emotional, and he finally lays it on her: "I don't want you to go." He also says he's falling in love and he'd be devastated if you left. FINALLY! Thank goodness he put it out there. He even said, "You weren't on the line tonight." Gotta love Jake's honesty. After Ali says, "I love you" (yep, she went there), we're left with more tears, sobs, and eventually she delivers it: "I have to go." Trainwreck. I'm seriously pissed, but I'll sleep at night knowing she'll totally reappear. She just has to. The couple says goodbye with a hot and emotional kiss, and she drives away into the night. Jake is totally a mess, and he admits that he's heartbroken once again. But he pulls it together for the non-rose ceremony to come. Sidenote: how fun would it be to have listened to the conversation of the girls in waiting as Ali and Jake said their goodbyes?
Jake reappears to the remaining girls (two messy, one normal) with a gloriously fake smile and news that there will be no rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Gia
3) Vienna
Awards:
1) Cutest family: Tenley's
2) Creepiest dad: Vienna's
3) Biggest mistake: Jake not telling Ali he loved her.
4) Worst employer: Ali's
5) Worst watch: Chris's blingy mess at the rose ceremony. Who cares if it's Cartier if it's that loud?
6) Comeback kid award: Ali. She'll be back.
Until next week,
Mike
It's hometown date night, and our first stop is the Jersey Shore!! Oh wait...it's actually New York, but it felt like next season's spin off of the Jersey Shore. It will hereby be titled The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love. But back to the action, Jake meets Gia and they tour the city via boat. Later, the lovers meet her family at a tragic restaurant on 85th and 2nd. The cast of The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love includes Gia, her mom Donna, the step dad, the stepbrother (hereafter known as "The Occasion"), and some dumb little brother figure who didn't get a hot second of air time. In short, the mom is a hot mess who requires subtitles and also drinks white wine on ice, The Occasion is a vision of Staten Island glory with Versace shades and enough hair gel to ignite a city block, and the other two are forgettable. The family questions Jake as to whether or not he'd "have her back" in light of trouble, as though they were entering into the West Side Story redux or something. It was brilliant. It was totally Landfill of Love. Quote of the night, courtesy of The Occasion: "If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I will." Aww, touching.
Date two takes us to idyllic Williamstown, MA. Nothing like the Berkshires to instill a little love. Here, Jake and Ali reunite and we realize all over again why they're the best couple on the show. She is too cute for words, and the whole day is a success. From visiting dead Grandma's house, to a nice night with the family (mom, sis and bro), it just feels right. Granted, the dinner looked gross, but overall, it was great. The mom envisions them getting married. Ali agrees, when she says, "If you asked me today I would say yes." Yay! We love Ali and Jake. It's a marriage in the making!
Next, we travel to Newburg, Oregon to meet Tenley and her cute family. At first it feels a little forced and fake, but then that goes out the window when Tenley performs a choreographed dance to Pachelbel's "Canon in D," (better known as every woman's wedding march). It was awkward, I wanted to mute the TV, but Tenley has killer calves and nice moves. Heinous yet touching. Next, we head to her house where we meet her cute family. Mom, Dad and Sister eagerly await the couple's arrival, and they all cry when they arrive. The tears continue through the steak dinner, during the one-on-one time with the two parents and Jake, and again at the end. But overall, the family is very cute, the date was touching, and their house was quaint and cute. They all give Jake their blessing. Mom admits that Tenley will have "emotional spillovers" for some time about her ex-husband (who was mentioned far too much throughout the day), but if anyone is prepared to love again, it is Tenley. Jake's fears about her ex-husband are allayed. So yay for Tenley and her cute family. She finally seemed to relax by the end of the date, and she didn't seem as uncomfortable. Is there a true romance brewing?
Last, it's the hometown date we've all been waiting for. We travel south to the gator-infested waters of Florida, where we meet the hair-dye-infested Vienna and her tragic, most likely incestuous family. After a sassy little pontoon boat ride, we get right down to business. We meet the family: Mom, Dad, Sister and Chihuahua in pink. Upon seeing his daughter, Dad begins to cry. The Vienna cries, and the weirdness begins. Is there something going on with Dad and V? Am I reading too much in to what seems to be an awkward relationship? Dad quickly whisks Jake away to his toolshed where he puts this little treasure out there for all of us to enjoy (re-worded because I couldn't actually listen when he delivered it): "I treat my daughter like a princess, and I'd expect the same out of you. If you treat her like a princess, you'll come home and the house will be cleaned, the kids will be raised..." Wow, nothing like a father who has only the highest hopes and respect for his daughter. Quick question: any one else think Dad looks like a mix between a cross-eyed gator hunter and Saddam Hussein? Yeah...thought so. Back at dinner, the family enjoys some tasty hot dogs and beans (we're in the middle of Florida near a river, what do you expect?), and the family isn't surprised that everyone is jealous (or hates) of their little Vienna. Question number two: would anyone be surprised if no one in Vienna's family knew that Vienna was actually a beautiful city in Austria? Yeah...didn't think so. After dinner, the lovebugs go make out in Vienna's bedroom next to the picture of Vienna kissing her father. I won't comment. What I will comment on is when Dad walks in on them making out. I secretly think he wanted to join. The date soon ends, and we all take a break to shower off the nasty from witnessing this special dad/daughter relationship. Shout out to my couchmate and lovebug for the shower comment.
Back at the Beverly Wilshire, we're all set to get dressed to ditch a girl at the next rose ceremony when the drama really heats up. Ali drops the bomb on Jake, letting him know that it's either him or her job...as in she'll be fired if she stays on the show any longer. Okay, let me begin. 1) This happened last season with Ed and I'm over it. 2) Don't contestants have to have this cleared with their employers BEFORE they come on the show? 3) How douchey does Ali's boss feel for making her choose between work and love? As Ali breaks down, Jake gives unfailingly good advice, but stops short of really asking her to stay. It's a mess, and I predicted this last week (with the help of some key Bachelorites).
Later that evening, Ali arrives in a cute dress looking, unfortunately, a bit dissheveled. Poor thing. The girls line up one by one, and Ali soon asks for some time with Jake, where we anticipate her decision. Will she stay or will she go? Ali is a mess, Jake is emotional, and he finally lays it on her: "I don't want you to go." He also says he's falling in love and he'd be devastated if you left. FINALLY! Thank goodness he put it out there. He even said, "You weren't on the line tonight." Gotta love Jake's honesty. After Ali says, "I love you" (yep, she went there), we're left with more tears, sobs, and eventually she delivers it: "I have to go." Trainwreck. I'm seriously pissed, but I'll sleep at night knowing she'll totally reappear. She just has to. The couple says goodbye with a hot and emotional kiss, and she drives away into the night. Jake is totally a mess, and he admits that he's heartbroken once again. But he pulls it together for the non-rose ceremony to come. Sidenote: how fun would it be to have listened to the conversation of the girls in waiting as Ali and Jake said their goodbyes?
Jake reappears to the remaining girls (two messy, one normal) with a gloriously fake smile and news that there will be no rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Gia
3) Vienna
Awards:
1) Cutest family: Tenley's
2) Creepiest dad: Vienna's
3) Biggest mistake: Jake not telling Ali he loved her.
4) Worst employer: Ali's
5) Worst watch: Chris's blingy mess at the rose ceremony. Who cares if it's Cartier if it's that loud?
6) Comeback kid award: Ali. She'll be back.
Until next week,
Mike
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Because Spreading Rumors is Fun
Rumors I've heard (and decided to spread) this week. Stay tuned for verification.
1) Ali leaves voluntarily during the next episode.
2) Vienna wins.
3) Tenley is pregnant. Not sure about this one.
Discuss.
1) Ali leaves voluntarily during the next episode.
2) Vienna wins.
3) Tenley is pregnant. Not sure about this one.
Discuss.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
You're Just a Virgin Who Can't Drive
We've driven up the coast a bit further for a little San Francisco treat. Out of the RVs and into the Intercontinental we go. Our setting for this episode is the Mark Hopkins Hotel, on the "crest" of lovely Nob Hill. Talk about an upgrade. One night you're in an RV, the next you're in a palace. So there are five girls left, and next week is Jake-meets-the-parents week. Who's getting the boot? Will he keep the one and only brunette (Gia) and ditch one of the four blondes?
The first one-on-one date goes to Tenley. It's a chill date strolling around Chinatown (barf) followed by a nice dinner. We all agree that Tenley is cute, but she's not that comfortable around him. It felt very "first date-y," and I don't think she's doing herself any favors. Later, Jake wears a turtleneck at dinner, and brings us all down with his poor style choice. Overall, it's blah.
Meanwhile, the tension is building at the hotel. Will the two-on-one date be between mortal enemies Ali and Vienna (gasp)? Corrie gets the date card and reads out the names. Ali and Vienna!!!! Ha! She lets the drama sink in for a hot minute until she cuts the tension with a knife and says the date will be with Gia and Vienna. Ali about died and we loved it.
So the two-on-one is Gia and Vienna at a castle-like vineyard in Napa. "Jake" sends the girls a trunk of clothes for the date (I love how the girls think that Jake is actually packing trunks of clothing as if he'd know what they'd want to wear). But then again...who is packing these trunks filled with sequins and utterly un-cute loud prints and slutty tops? We've got a job opening in the wardrobe department, people! Gia chooses a lovely teal turtleneck lace top and a metallic bra (yes, you read that correctly), Vienna predictably chooses a pink sequin tank top, and off they go to the castle. The date is inevitably uncomfortable as awkward Vienna makes it all about herself, and Gia is the third wheel. It's tacky, just like her skin, hair, and make up. Until, Jake and Gia go make out in some grotto within the castle. Then...duh...Vienna interrupts them because she needs more me time. At the end of the date, it seems as though Gia is the big winner. He's comfortable with her, and he's distant with Vienna. They all spend the night at the castle, Vienna sneaks in to Jake's room (surprise!). Overall, it's fine. Vienna is dumb. Gia wins.
The next date is between Corrie and Jake. Key take-away from this one: Corrie is a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage, and she doesn't want to live with her husband until they're hitched. Jake played it coolly, but you know he was like "WHA?!?!?!" internally. Basically, she just screwed her chances in her virgin-like way.
The last date is what we've all been waiting for: Ali and Jake. Finally the San Franciscan gets to show Jake around her city and prove to him once again that she's the one for him. A very booby and cute Ali takes to the streets with Jake. We think they're matching in their blue outfits for a second until we realize Ali is wearing purple. Phew. The chemistry is obviously there between them as they wander the streets, buy flowers, mount each other in a park, and ruin their clothes while playing in the ocean. Was anyone else concerned about her knee-high boots in the waves? Hello? And was anyone else a little thrown off by Ali's public mounting of Jake's business in the park? It was a bit much and she could have easily mooned innocent passersby.
At the rose ceremony, there are no surprises. Jake tells the camera before the ceremony that he likes Vienna, so all guesses were out the window.
1) Tenley
2) Ali
3) Gia
4) Vienna (duh...it was so obvious)
Adios Corrie!
Awards.:
1) Quote: "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side." - Corrie. Um...yes it does. That's exactly what it means. You're in "touch" with nothing.
2) Front runners: Ali, with Gia a close second.
3) Tampa Trash: Vienna
The first one-on-one date goes to Tenley. It's a chill date strolling around Chinatown (barf) followed by a nice dinner. We all agree that Tenley is cute, but she's not that comfortable around him. It felt very "first date-y," and I don't think she's doing herself any favors. Later, Jake wears a turtleneck at dinner, and brings us all down with his poor style choice. Overall, it's blah.
Meanwhile, the tension is building at the hotel. Will the two-on-one date be between mortal enemies Ali and Vienna (gasp)? Corrie gets the date card and reads out the names. Ali and Vienna!!!! Ha! She lets the drama sink in for a hot minute until she cuts the tension with a knife and says the date will be with Gia and Vienna. Ali about died and we loved it.
So the two-on-one is Gia and Vienna at a castle-like vineyard in Napa. "Jake" sends the girls a trunk of clothes for the date (I love how the girls think that Jake is actually packing trunks of clothing as if he'd know what they'd want to wear). But then again...who is packing these trunks filled with sequins and utterly un-cute loud prints and slutty tops? We've got a job opening in the wardrobe department, people! Gia chooses a lovely teal turtleneck lace top and a metallic bra (yes, you read that correctly), Vienna predictably chooses a pink sequin tank top, and off they go to the castle. The date is inevitably uncomfortable as awkward Vienna makes it all about herself, and Gia is the third wheel. It's tacky, just like her skin, hair, and make up. Until, Jake and Gia go make out in some grotto within the castle. Then...duh...Vienna interrupts them because she needs more me time. At the end of the date, it seems as though Gia is the big winner. He's comfortable with her, and he's distant with Vienna. They all spend the night at the castle, Vienna sneaks in to Jake's room (surprise!). Overall, it's fine. Vienna is dumb. Gia wins.
The next date is between Corrie and Jake. Key take-away from this one: Corrie is a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage, and she doesn't want to live with her husband until they're hitched. Jake played it coolly, but you know he was like "WHA?!?!?!" internally. Basically, she just screwed her chances in her virgin-like way.
The last date is what we've all been waiting for: Ali and Jake. Finally the San Franciscan gets to show Jake around her city and prove to him once again that she's the one for him. A very booby and cute Ali takes to the streets with Jake. We think they're matching in their blue outfits for a second until we realize Ali is wearing purple. Phew. The chemistry is obviously there between them as they wander the streets, buy flowers, mount each other in a park, and ruin their clothes while playing in the ocean. Was anyone else concerned about her knee-high boots in the waves? Hello? And was anyone else a little thrown off by Ali's public mounting of Jake's business in the park? It was a bit much and she could have easily mooned innocent passersby.
At the rose ceremony, there are no surprises. Jake tells the camera before the ceremony that he likes Vienna, so all guesses were out the window.
1) Tenley
2) Ali
3) Gia
4) Vienna (duh...it was so obvious)
Adios Corrie!
Awards.:
1) Quote: "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side." - Corrie. Um...yes it does. That's exactly what it means. You're in "touch" with nothing.
2) Front runners: Ali, with Gia a close second.
3) Tampa Trash: Vienna
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)