Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Blind as an Austin Bat

Lovers, our beloved Jillian hit a new low this episode, and I'm still reeling from it. She's been duped, my friends, by a honky-tonk hillbilly hungry for fame...and it's just so hard to watch. But I'll get to that mess later. It's the hometown date night and we have five families to meet. So let's get to it! [N.B. we have five (5) families to meet as opposed to four, so our time with them is a bit short. Thus, we're a bit short on drama this go around. Sad, but true.]

We're cheesesteak-bound first. Jillian meets a very cutely-dressed Reid in his hometown of Philly; and things amped up like a cheeze-whiz induced heart attack. After checking out some good views, we meet his cute family at their cute house. Reid's family notices how affectionate they are, and there is literally no drama. Dad, my favorite character in this visit, gives his son great advice: "Take risks." He was very sweet and Jillian fell more for Reid during this date.

Next we're headed to California to meet Michael and his hyper family. His twin brother is just that: his twin. There is a lot of jumping and screaming throughout the date, and all goes according to hyper plan. Even the failed "switcheroo" when Michael and his twin try to fool Jillian by switching outfits. It lasts all of 2 seconds before she catches on. At the end of the date, Michael and Jillian finally kiss...for the first and (let's be honest) last time. Although I actually think Michael likes her now.

We stay in Cali for the next date, but this time it's with Kiptyn. His family is rich, educated, and totally California, complete with the blonde, overdone mother and the pretty plastic McMansion. You can tell Jilly is all about her beloved Kiptyn. His parents test her palate by giving her a lasagna and wine taste test (to see the best lasagna and wine) and she passes. Aww...the little hick from up North can do it! There was minor drama here when the overbearing, 80s-haired mom questioned Jillian and her quest for "unconditional love" (mom doesn't believe in it), but all went according to plan. Also, the family pulled a little joke on Jillian and her tendency for racy hot tub scenes by roping off their hot tub with caution tape. Hilarious. But they cut through that mess and got wet anyway.

Next we go a bit further north in California to visit Jesse's family on the farm. They own and run a winery, and their a bit hippy and fun. His caveman brother is anti-relationship and surprised at Jesse's affection for Jillian. But is Jesse's heart still too cold for love? Best quote of the date (by brother): "Have you guys been naked together?" Brills. Jesse, the "emotional ice cube" seems to really be falling for Jillian, and the date ends with a cute dance party/jam session with the family band (complete with Jesse on drums).

We end the night with a visit to Austin, TX. Please note the "Blind as an Austin Bat" reference above. The date begins with Wes getting free national air time for his stupid band, while his voiceover says, "The ultimate goal is getting our new CD to do well." Well, you got what you wanted. And shame on you, ABC, for giving it to him. Ridiculous. Wes has hereby fully cemented his role as Douchebag of the Year (DOY) and I hate him. My favorite quote, which underlies the whole evening, "I'm not a good liar." Thanks Wes. We know. Your intentions are written all over your face, but apparently Jillian doesn't seem them. She's too busy listening to your awful music. But hey, Canadians aren't known for their musical prowess.

Then...dun dun dun...Jake shows up to tell Jillian that he has a girlfriend, and that Wes confided this in him throughout the show. Laurel (she has a name!!), the beloved lover, and Wes are still in a relationship. Amazing. I heart Jake and his cheesy smile.

Meanwhile, Wes disengenuously tells Jillian that he really likes her (glad he's in music and not acting). "I'm not a good liar." Barf. The direction in this scene was brilliant. Way to feed him the lines, ABC.

Later, Jake knocks on Jillian's door, and a befuddled Jillian lets him in expecting he wants her back. But no...he's here to spill the dirt, but in a cute, Jake-like way. He's all emotional, and he finally tells her about Wes's girlfriend and that he's a total DB. Deep down we know that Jillian knows he's telling the truth, especially since he came with no motive but to be honest. He doesn't want Jillian to take him back, he wants her to save herself from hurt and heartbreak. Clearly she has blinders on, because during the confrontation later she kind of sides with Wes by giving him a chance. But more on that later. Jake leaves Jillian to her thoughts and tells her to call him if he's needed.

Wes then shows up, and walks in the door with a "What's up, momma?" Are you kidding? Momma??? Jillian gives him a chance to come clean, and he, free of emotion, denies it by saying "That's crazy." Okay, if you were faced with a completely false accusation by someone for whom you were genuinely were falling, wouldn't you muster at least a semblance of emotion and anger? Wes, being a lying sack of bat dung, simply says it's a lie, and says he likes her and that she's pretty. Um...what? Wes, I officially hate you and so does America. And your band sucks. So best of luck with your life. He muddles through a few more lies before Jillian wants Jake to join them so the real truth will come out.

Well, we're still waiting for that. Because Wes continues to deny it all when Jake arrives, and tries to drag Jake through the mud. After a slightly-heated confrontation, Jillian gives Wes one LAST chance to come clean. He clears his throat twice (um...ever heard of dead-on signs of a liar?!?!?!) and he denies it. It doesn't work, but a dumbfounded and blind Jillian keeps him around and decides to meet his family. Meanwhile, Jake weeps outside her room. Yikes...

The visit with Wes's family is fine, even though the whole family clearly lied to Jillian when they brought up the matter of the girlfriend. One sister said, "People will always be jealous of you, Wesley. You have it all." What? A failing career, a mediocre band, graying/thinning hair and a spare tire? If that's "it all," consider me, well, famous.

Then the shocker of the century (and by "shocker" I mean we saw it coming from 8200 miles away), Ed comes back and asks that Jillian give him another chance. Surprise!! Clearly she invites him to the rose ceremony.

At the rose ceremony, Ed shows up to make it six. Two will be sent home. Roses go to:
1) Reid
2) Kiptyn
3) Ed...I'm not surprised
4) Wes...ugh

Bye: Michael and Jesse.

While I'm not surprised that Michael and Jesse are homeward-bound, I'm still shocked by her choice of Wes. I mean, she has GOT to know he's bad news bears. If not, I'm breaking up with her.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes
2) Blind as an Austin Bat: Jillian (If you don't get the "Austin Bat" reference, Google that mess. They're so cool! And they made an appearance tonight during stock Austin footage.)
3) Frontrunner: Reid. But Kip and Ed are close behind.

Until next week (get excited, it's "To Bone Or Not To Bone" night!!!),

Mike

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Polar Bear Express

This damn Canadian adventure never seems to end. And neither does my ridiculous devotion to this show. After a killer workout followed by a yummy dinner, I came home to relax and hit the sack with the sexiest roommate one could ask for. But my DVR beckoned from across the room. Two seconds later, that bitch was fired up and there I sat, hungry for more of this wretched trainwreck called "The Bachelor/Bachelorette."

Tonight, the boys and Jillian rode an actual train through the tundra, or, if you want to get technical, they rode the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilderness. After two episodes in "Vancouver," we're transported to another "territory" called "Alberta," where the team takes in the sites via choo-choo. Okay, okay, the toy train is cute. So let's get to it.

The first one-on-one date goes to Robby, the oddly cute and charming bartender. From the beginning, I'm pretty sure he's secured a rose because Jillian and he have connected since the beginning. There's just one catch: what does he bring to the table? He's 25, underemployed, and has no direction in life. It's time to bring out the big guns, Robby. He starts by making drinks. Okay, hammering home the fact that you're a bartender is not going to win over the woman looking for a guy ready to settle down and father her children. And neither will saying things like, "I'm not sure what my future holds, I'm kinda between jobs" or whatever he rambled on about when asked if he's really ready to settle down. As the date progressed, her lack of interest increased, and by the end of this little train ride, the Rocky Mountaineer rumbled to a stop, and Robby was booted without a rose. Jillian tried her best to feign sadness, but honestly, I don't think dropping Robby in the wilderness was too hard for her. Child is a 25-year-old aimless bartender. He ain't husband material. Adios, Robby. And make it dirty, on the rocks, please.

After her "rough" goodbye, our country swooner sweeps in to comfort Jillian. Wes snuggles with Jillian, she melts into his arms, and he gets a few more minutes of cherished air time. His voice over puts it perfectly: "I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger." Getting a little cocky, are we Wes? More on that mess later...

The second date is with Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake and Kiptyn. Tanner withstanding, it's like the battle of the hotties. Although there is no battle whatsoever. Instead, they go snowshoeing through the North Country, while Reid is left back on the train to contemplate his upcoming one-on-one with Jillian, and to let his neuroses get the best of him (glasses or no glasses?). But back on the date, nothing really happens. Jake is cheesy, Kiptyn talks to much, Tanner takes of his pants...the usual. Wait, what? Yes. When Michael brings up the awkward conversation topic of what Jillian wears to bed, Tanner jumps in and strips down to his manties (man-panties, for those not in the know). A little odd. But not as odd as Jillian saying to the camera, when talking about his package, that "it was huge," followed by Tanner admitting that he's "blessed." Child, you didn't get blessed with anything but the ugly stick and a freaky foot fetish. Start packing for Dallas. And take the sock out of your pants.

More boys spend one-on-one time with her after the event. Tanner plays with her feet, Jesse remains a frontrunner, Michael is basically her brother and is yet to form any sort of romantic connection...it's all to be expected.

At the end of the date, our beloved and wordy Kiptyn gets the rose while sharing the hot tub with a bunch of shirtless dudes.

Later, the boys share some boy time and it's all about confessions. Tanner comes out of the closet with his admission that he was the dude that dropped the Girlfriend Bomb on Jillian. The dudes all don't seem to mind, with one exception: Wes. Hmmm...wonder why? Next, Wes has a great line: "I've made it six shows so far...I've got what I wanted." Obviously this is all in reference to the fact that he has gotten the exposure he was after, and if he happens to be in the running for the girl, that's just a nice byproduct. Gross. We hate Wes. Go back to Austin. Wait, don't. I like Austin, and I don't want you ruining it with your conniving ways. Go to Dallas or something fake like that.

The next morning, Jake visits Jillian in her room-slash-train car. Honestly, he's cute, he's got a killer smile, but dude is C-H-E-E-S-Y. He tells her, in his goopy way, that he really likes her. Jillian, not a gifted thespian, simply cannot hide the fact that she's completely over him. She thanks him for being so honest, but not in a girlfriend sort of way...more in a first-grade teacher teaching a lesson about honesty and trust. It was almost painful to see her response to Jake's confession, as it lacked even an ounce of emotion. Negative points for Jake for not noticing that she could care less what he thinks. Hopefully you're more in tune with reality when you're piloting commercial flights.

The last date is the one-on-one with Reid. And, while I may be in the minority here, he completely won me over. Not only is he really cute (both with glasses and without, thank you), he is a total loony toon, in the best possible way. Dude is neurotic, OCD and tends to over analyze everything. Hmmm...he's basically the straight version of me. Clearly he's amazing.

Anyway, more about me...I mean...the date. Reid and Jillian snowboard near Lake Louise, and Reid, the perfectionist, is a mess. He totally can't do it, but he plays it off well. Jillian loves that he tried something he's not good at, and she liked seeing him take a chance. They share an outdoor cocktail at a scenic overlook made of ice. I'm talking chairs, table, glasses...it was all ice. So fun. After a beer or eight, they snuggle and kiss and it's cute. Reid says that red ears mean you're horny. They kiss some more. And my ears get red on the couch.

Later, the snowbirds snuggle up for a dinner of fondue. Reid is totally freaked out by the concept of fondue, and it's hilarious. Hey, at least he admits his neuroses and goes with it. I think with each admission, he charms her more. He's quirky, different from the other guys, but seems to be carving out a little spot in Jillian's heart because he's just being himself. Are they perfect on paper? No. But they're a good match. All in all, the date was great and we love our Reid, crazy tendencies and all. Jillian agrees, and he gets a rose.

The rose ceremony is next, but before Jillian hands out the roses, she takes Michael aside to ask if he's really serious about her. We all know that he's not, and that they have ZERO chemistry and all he wants is his big break...but apparently he muddled his way through an acceptable response. Crazy.

Roses go to:
1) Kiptyn
2) Reid
3) Jesse
4) Wes
5) Michael. WHAT?!?

Bye: Robby, Jake, Tanner.

I actually kind of though Jake or Tanner (more like Tanner) would stay for one more week. But now we're subject to a family visit with Michael, and it's bound to be uncomfortable and overacted.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes. You suck. And so do your songs.
2) Frontrunners: Kiptyn and Jesse.
3) Comeback Kid: Reid.

Until next week,

Mike

Monday, June 15, 2009

No Drama

Live from Milwaukee (are you sensing a once-a-season theme here?), I've postponed dinner plans to blog for you all. So eat this up like it's your job because I've had to search high and low for a restaurant open past 9pm in this town so I can watch this mess AND eventually eat dinner. Ridiculous. Beers have been delivered via room service, though, and I'm ready to watch (big shout out to New Glarus Brewing Co.'s Spotted Cow--it's my favorite Wisconsin beer for sure).

So while I've traveled West, the boys remain in the North Country to continue to woo a slightly bruised Jillian. We're in Whistler this week, lovers, so let the drama begin. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date tonight, so let's get down to business and figure out who's got a chick back home, because let's be honest, that's all we really care about. Who's double dippin'?

Michael, our entertainer, is awarded the first one-on-one. This is the face time he's always dreamed of. We all know that he is dying when his name is called. "Is this my big chance? Will a talent scout see me on TV and sign me so I can stop teaching break dancing and make it big in La-La Land? YESSSSSS!!" We, on the other hand, are thinking, "Good god, please don't annoy us too much with your overacted antics."

The "Come Fly With Me" date is surprisingly not another heli-date: it's a zip line. I'm super jealous. Michael gets all deep on us by equating zip lining to love, we barf, but we continue to watch regardless. Is anyone less than impressed after a few zips? They're not going very fast, so my jealousy fades. After the zipping, they sip hot chocolate and talk. I wish Michael would just calm down once in a blue moon, but he doesn't. His poor mother...

Michael and Jillian have dinner later that night. Jillian is hoping for a more serious Michael, and our fingers are crossed that he'll deliver. I'm not holding my breath. Jillian flat-out asks if he's ready to settle down. Michael skirts around the issue and then asks Jillian what she wants. Um...Michael, you didn't answer the question. Not like any of us think that you're remotely ready for anything but fame-hunger, but at least fake it. You're an actor, right? Convince us, my friend. Jillian then asks why he "really signed up for the show." Wow. Awesome. Michael then confesses that he had a breakup eight months ago and that he hasn't been on a date since. Blah. He's here for the "right reasons" even though he's not. Jillian gives him the rose anyway, even though there seems to be NO romantic connection. Is she babysitting, or is she dating? They don't even share a real kiss. Come on...

The group date is with Wes, Robby, Kiptyn, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark, which means Jesse gets the one-on-one. Reid, looking cute in his glasses, is bummed. The boys join Jillian on a snowmobile trip through the mountains. Jillian, has ulterior motives, and is destined to find out where these boys stand...not just where they snowmobile. She asks Robby to join her on her snowmobile, and the other boys get their own. They get to share some one-on-one time, and Robby (complete with a red, helmet-dented forehead) confesses that he was upset about the previous rose ceremony. The other dudes talk behind his back. Robby reassures her that he's for real. If only he had a job...

Tanner interrupts the Robby time, and let's just see if he can save himself after he became the House Rat. He again doesn't name names, and I think this makes him look like a weasel. Tanner is not only rat-like in his features, he seems rat-like all around. Tanner clearly has it out for Wes, but doesn't he have evidence? Hmmm...

She then cuddles up with Wes, who obviously reassures her that he's there for reasons outside of his music career. Are we convinced? I, for one, am not.

Later, they all hang out and catch up more. At this point, I'm realizing quickly that she is obsessed with Kiptyn. She is 100% falling for him. But wait...their kisses are kind of awkward. Is Kiptyn a good kisser? I'm nervous.

Then she spends some time with Reid. She questions him about his 5-year plan, and he tells her how he wants a wife, kids, and an adventurous family. It's cute, kind of awkward. Especially when she says, "Who's the one with the girlfriend?" He gives her a funny answer by saying he has four girlfriends and two wives...haha.

Ed is up next, and Jillian is feeling that he's distant. Ed admits that his boss is questioning his choice to be away, and Ed reacts pretty emotionally because his boss gave him an ultimatum. Pretty sh*tty boss, in my opinion (if he knew what Ed was doing, that is...if not, then Ed is dumb for not telling him). At the end of the date, Jillian gives Ed the rose. She gives him the choice to accept it and/or to give it back after thinking about it. Pretty sweet of her, I must admit. I heart Jillian.

The last one-on-one date is with Jesse. They hang out on a glacier (you know, the normal), and then have a romantic talk in the snow. Jesse seems really into her, and he is very open about his past love (singular). It was cute.

Sidenote: I hate this new "Marry Me Monday" BS. ABC, stop trying to extend this damn show to two hours. If you could condense it two one hour, we could all do a lot more with our lives. Like eat dinner before the restaurants close at 9pm in Milwaukee.

Back to the show. Jillian asks Jesse if it's too soon for him to pursue a new relationship due to his recent breakup. He's kind of dumbfounded, but he gets through it okay. Cue the inevitable hot tub scene, and he's definitely falling for her. Unfortunately, he has a bit of a goatee, but we can try to get over it. Jesse gets a rose and then they kiss. He says he can "die happy." A bit much.

At the pre rose ceremony, things take a bit of a turn. Remember that rose Jillian gave Ed to make him feel better about maybe losing his job but, in turn, maybe finding the love of his life? Yeah, not so much. Ed is outta here, and now he's forever ruined his chances with the women of the greater Chicagoland area. Dude is choosing work over love! It's like the number 1 complaint of chicks everywhere! (At least chicks in New York who deal with d-bag bankers on a daily basis.) Jillian arrives to Ed's room to be dumped. It's so dumb. Tables turning, much? Jillian is getting dumped on her own show? Wait...WHAT?!?!? Poor Jillian talks a little too much after being dumped, and with that, Ed is Chicago-bound. Sadly, Ed looks cuter than he's looked all season as he dumps her...but maybe that's good for his future chances at love? So weird. But what's weirder is that Ed doesn't give the rose back because he doesn't think someone else deserves it. Not sure if that's cool or not. Don't really think so. But Jillian leaves him with a zinger: "Promise me this. When you do find the one, don't let work get in the way." BAM.

But by the looks of it, Jillian is pretty damn upset about this. Makes me think he was in the running...too bad for him. They could have had cute dark-haired, dark-skinned babies. Oh well. Best of luck.

On to the rose ceremony...where only ONE guy is leaving to night. Sucks to be him, because she is totally sure who's outta there. So without a cocktail party, here we go.

1) Michael
2) Ed...Just kidding!!
3) Jesse
4) Reid
5) Kiptyn
6) Robby
7) Jake
8) Tanner. WHAT?!?!?!?! Why is this happening?
9) Wes

Bye: Mark. Kind of a shocker.

Awards:
1) D-bag: Ed. Have fun technologically consulting and living a loveless life.
2) Rat: Tanner. You act like one. You look like one. Go suck on a toe, and best of luck in life. Except we have to see you again next week. Ugh.
3) Best editing: ABC peeps. Nothing promised this episode was delivered. Brilliant.
4) Front runners: Kiptyn and Wes.

Until next week,

Mike

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Oh Canada...

Summer camp is over, boys. It's time to pack up and head to...Canada?? Wait..is this some sort of punishment? You can't just leave LA and be forced to go to the mythical Northland and pretend it's a good thing. Or can you?

Vancouver was the setting for last night's episode in which three boys were sent packing. Jillian hosts the guys in her hometown. (Sidenote: wasn't she from some other Canadian village last season? Edmonton? Calgary? Another Canadian city I can't think of because there are only like 12 to choose from?) The episode features three dates: a one-on-one; a group date; and a two-on-one in which one guy is sent home by the end.

The one-on-one date goes to Kiptyn, and the rose was his to lose. Could he finally summon a personality to match his good looks? Is he everything he hoped he would be and more? He joins Jillian on a little kayaking adventure, and then they go to the Public Market to buy food for dinner. After a cute talk on the water, the couple heads home to cook. It's kind of a perfect date in the making. Outdoor activities followed by good conversation and a do-it-together meal? Amazing. The only negative of the date was the part where they fed pigeons. People, feeding rats with wings is a pasttime left to crazy women with wild hair and 82 cats. It's not for us. But back to the dinner portion. They cook, he comes up behind her, places his hands on her hips, and kisses her neck. We all melt, she dies, it's cute. After dinner, Kiptyn opens up some more by confessing that he's no good at pursuing women. "People pursue me," his special quote, could have sounded a lot more dick than it did, but Kiptyn pretty much wins us over. Their conversation on this date was very easy and genuine, and I think he might like her. I'll overlook the embroidered bird/crest on the shoulder of his black button-down shirt, and give him an A- for the date. If he was preppier he would have earned an A. He gets a rose, and I think she really likes him.

The second date is a BIG group date with Ed, Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Michael, Reid, Juan, and David. The play a "Canadian" "sport" called "curling." The boys are split into two teams, and the winning teams gets to spend the night with Jillian, as opposed to just awkward time in sweatsuits on the ice playing with brooms. Without diving into too much detail, the red team wins and Jesse is the clear MVP. On the date later that evening, Jake is worried he's too perfect, other dudes do other things, and David, like clockwork, turns crazy. As they chatted on the couch I was simultaneously expecting him to 1) beat her, 2) jump her bones, and 3) accomplish all of this as his red-faced, inflated head spun off. Instead, he verbally assaulted her with bad language, a failed attempt at a kiss, and non-stop talk about her ass. Um...inappropriate much? At one point during his word vomit, he says the F word, leans in for a kiss only to be given the cheek. He questions Jillian and she says something to the effect of, "I'm not kissing you after you say that word," to which he reponds, "I would think you'd want to kiss after saying f*ck." Pure class. Truly a gentleman. But I guess that's what "Trucking Coordinators" from Kansas do. Jesse gets the rose on this date, and we all share a sigh of relief that David didn't inflict bodily harm on anyone during the filming of the date.

The last date is between Jillian, Mike and Mark. They couldn't be more different. Mike spews forth far too many words and far too much honestly. Mark is mute and nervous. Mike is a guido from New York. Mark is subdued from Colorado. Mike's hair is black. Mark's hair is light brown. The opposites board a helicopter headed for Grouse Mountain, and Mike awkwardly sits in the middle and gets Jillian to himself, while Mark is forced to look out the window alone. At dinner, Mike commands the conversation, while Mark sits quietly across the table. During some one-on-one time, Mike continues to say all the "right" things (though they sound a bit disingenuous). Luckily, Mark gets his chance next, and he confesses that he's not very good in these situations. Their conversation doesn't seem forced, and it's finally relaxed and chill. Very Colorado. At the end of dinner, Mark gets the rose! Yay! Mike then awkwardly exits via gondola.

Before I get to the rose ceremony, can I please point out that there was not ONE gratuitous shirtless scene in this episode? Okay, Mike and Mark getting dressed before their date involved no shirts, but please. Um...ABC, the only reason anyone watches the Bachelorette is for the shirtless men in pools and hot tubs or just lounging around being shirtless. I mean, couldn't there have been some shirtless curling? Or a shirtless dinner scene? Work on it.

Back at the pre rose ceremony, tension is heightened. Jake hints to Jillian that there may be some guys here for the wrong reasons. Tanner goes even further to say he's heard someone say they have a girlfriend back home. Even without the scenes for next week's episode, we all know it's Wes, the guy who had just told Jillian he's "always been faithful." My ass. Faithful to your failing music career, perhaps. Jillian freaks, there is a total drama confrontation between Chris and Jillian and the boys, and it's all awkward. My favorite part was when everyone was asked to confess who it was, or who said what, and the cameras always came back to the tail-between-his-legs Tanner. Brilliant. He was SO dejected.

After zero resolution and emotional outbursts on behalf of a select crew of dudes, we're left with the rose ceremony and a bruised and battered cast.

1) Kiptyn
2) Jesse
3) Mark
4) Reid
5) Robby
6) Ed
7) Michael
8) Wes
9) Jake
10) Tanner - total surprise!

That leaves us with Mike, Juan and David heading home. Not gonna lie, I was surprised that sappy Juan was sent home. I predicted it to be Tanner and David, not Juan and David.

Awards:
1) Biggest pansy-ass: Tanner
2) Fame-hungry scene stealers: Wes and Michael
3) Latent homosexual: David

What do you bet Juan and David totally made out during the limo ride to the airport? Hate sex, anyone?

Until next week's drama,

Mike

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Lucky 13

Lovers and friends. I'm a trainwreck and I've let you down too much. I didn't blog last week, I'm a day late this week, I'm pretty much a general mess when it comes to keeping you entertained. But I'm famous, you love me, and you keep coming back for more. Sidebar: who watches "Intervention" on A&E? Brilliant.

Anyway, back to biz. I'm back, my TV is better than ever, and this show is the dumbest thing on it. But little by little, we're weeding out the duds and meandering our way to true love. Oh wait...

So this week's episode has three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ed, the nice guy from Chicago. It's a "dangerous" date, which involves an annoyingly slow zip line from the top of a building down to a pool below. I mean honestly, who wants to inch along on a zip line through the sky? Was it broken or something? I'm looking for a thrill, people, not a yawn. In the pool scene, the editors prove that Ed has no bod as he's only featured under water. But he's nice, and they kiss...yadda yadda. He gets a rose, and we move on.

The second date is on a "film shoot" with 11 dudes and Jillian. They film a western, and it even includes a gay twist. I think we all saw the "Brokeback" dialogue prancing towards us from 100 gay miles away, but whatever. Brad wins the award for the most awkward kiss ever, and we all mute our respective TVs in horror. Robby, who finally gets his chance to shine, outperforms everyone and delivers an Oscar-worthy performance topped off with a sexy and romantic kiss. It was cute and we like him...even though he's a bartender. At the "wrap party" Juan once again proves he's a total DB and skeeves us all out with his sappy candor. Over it.

Meanwhile, at the manse, David is steaming and drinking and acting overly straight as always. Nothing like being a big straight dude from Kansas and 100% living up to our expectations! Anger Management, 101. I'm sure they teach that at Topeka Community College.

Back on the date, we have the gratuitous shirtless hot tub scene, and Tanner once again freaks out over Jillian's feet. Can we be done with the foot fetish already? I mean seriously, it's getting old. And gross. At the end, Robby gets the rose and we're all happy.

The second one-on-one date is a hot-rodding adventure with Sasha. Let's just say, his ears are big and he doesn't get a rose. Jillian is convinced he's too young and wet behind the big ears...and he doesn't get a rose! Is this a first? Probably not, but I don't care and Sasha is sent packing to TX in an LA city bus. Classy.

Back at home, Wes serenades Jillian with a generic country song he probably wrote when he was 8, but she falls for it. Jillian...really? This guy's a douche and we're over it. He also never takes off his shirt, which is an automatic -82 points.

At the pre rose ceremony, David, the "top dawg," only further cements his growing rep as House Psycho Hose Beast. His meathead tendencies lead him to cut off the dudes mid-sentence, drink far too much, trash Juan to pieces, and look like a general freak show. Clearly, I love this. It looks like his head is going to spin off at any minute. If I was on set, I'd be afraid for my life, but on a big-screen TV it's just fine. How many more episodes until he pulls a Christian Bale on the sound guy?!?

At the end of the night, these dreary-eyed and exhausted boys are left standing:
1) Ed
2) Robby
3) Jake
4) Reid
5) Mark, who has had NO face time yet
6) Jesse
7) Tanner P.
8) Wes
9) Juan
10) Michael
11) Kiptyn
12) Mike
13) David, who nearly stumbles b/c he's so blackout...or is it just rage-filled?

Adios to Sasha, Brad and Tanner F.

Awards:
1) Crazy-town: David
2) Oh Poor Me I'm a Raging Loser and Nobody Appreciates Me: Brad
3) Front-runner: Robby and Kiptyn

Until next week,

Mike