Monday, April 30, 2007

Tastes beautiful...

It’s episode five, and tension is running high. The day starts on OG’s yacht with all six hoes soaking up the sun and soaking up every minute with Andy. Bevin, in typical fashion, commandeers most of the time by joining OG on the water in the kayaks. At one point during the date, it was blondes v. brunettes, and I loved it! My favorite was the brunettes napping during the Bevin/Andy kayak-fest.

After the initial six-on-one, we were due for a little one-on-one. Stephanie from KS joined Andy on a wine date. They made their own blend and then painted a label for it. Honestly, nothing happened except for a disastrous quote on behalf of the OG. “It tastes beautiful…just like you.” He’s so good at reading cue cards. He should really consider a career in front of the camera. The date ends with Stephanie being incommunicado. OG’s fears are reassured.

The second date brings Amber, Tina, Bevin and Danielle together at a run-down school in Hollywood. The four-on-one is good fun as the girls make over a playground for the inner-city chitlins. It is quite cute, especially when the kindergarteners come out to see their new outdoor home. See? Charity is fun!

The third date is quite special. Tessa meets a jewel-laden OG at the door. He gives her tons of money worth of diamonds for their date (in front of the other girls...classic!) and then drives her in his fake car to the Nicole Miller boutique on Sunset. She tries on 82 dresses, he surprisingly deals with it, and she ends up looking fabulous in a red number. They go to the Japanese-fusiony place overlooking LA (ate there this past October…great view, okay food), and have a romantic dinner high atop a hill. Okay, I’m going to go ahead and check my bitchiness at the door, and say that he is totally into her. Like for real. I might have a girl-crush too. How embarrassing! Tessa finally opens up, leaves her “I’m not into this B.S.” at the door, and they make out.

The pre-Rose Ceremony is rather uneventful, save for two things. First, OG kisses Tessa without thinking about it (so cute) and Bevin and Amber sneak into his private deliberation room. Naughty!

Rose Ceremony:

1) Bevin (bring on more episodes of drama)
2) Amber
3) Tessa (engagement anyone?)
4) Danielle

Tina and Stephanie (KS) go home, and no one is surprised.

Awards.

1) Vomit-inducing line: “This tastes beautiful…just like you.” – Andy
2) Bi-polar award: Bevin. Up, down, up down…
3) Best (worst) hair: Stephanie (KS). She was channeling her inner-Texas at the rose ceremony! Eeeekk!!

Until next week,

Mike

Monday, April 23, 2007

Under the bus

After having arrived home from Paris earlier this evening, I must admit that I’m in a bit of a jet-lagged haze. It is technically after 5 am Paris time as I write this, so I’m foggy. My body is also getting ready to adjust to a life without constant fresh baguettes, pounds of cheese, and other rich and fatty foods on a daily basis. And let’s not even mention the continual flow of wine into my body at all hours of the day…but enough about me. Let’s get to the Officer and Gentleman (OG for those who don’t remember due to my hiatus last week)!

OG flies the girls to Tahoe, and we get to spend some special time with them fireside. On the first date, Bevin cries because her ankle hurts, and other emotions are shared with America. I don’t care. So I take a shower and wash off Paris and an 8-hour flight (which featured a hot-ass Daniel Craig in Casino Royale—YUM). While showering I think of how this episode is the episode that centers on the “There’s only one guy and all these girls” theme. The gossip begins. I’m over it.

I return to Stephanie’s (KS) tears. I also am reminded that we’re using the term “Special Quality Time” (SQT) this season. It’s just so gross. SQT makes me think of time spent alone thinking naughty thoughts and doing naughty things. We all love some SQT, but don’t say it 82 times an episode.

Bevin gets the sympathy vote for SQT because she broke her kankle and OG tells her he’s a nerd. No…REALLY?!? Ugh. Then they make out. Then it gets worse because he calls her his “sanctuary.” Are we kidding right now? And then she hobbles off into the distance.

Date two. It’s Stephanie’s (SC) birthday. We don’t care. They ski, it’s funny, I laugh. One girls says she didn’t understand the concept of the pizza slice. I think her thighs beg to differ. Kidding…

And then the bitching begins. Girls point fingers, name call, and tell OG secrets. Tessa continues to worry and doubt the experience, OG (looking good, I must add), reassures her that he likes her. But who wants to beg for chicks to like him? Not me…

Stephanie from SC then “throws girls under the bus.” Kudos for using a great expression, no kudos for actually implementing it. Skank. He totally annoys her. Kate continues the rumor-spreading. She totally sucks. What a raging ho.

Special Quality Time was a “no brainer” and he chooses Dr. Tina. That was actually nice, because she was the only one that brought zero drama to the date. They talk in the gondola, and it actually seems very genuine. Wait…am I being serious right now? Maybe it’s the jet lag talking. Or the Heineken from the Paris airport’s American Airlines Admirals Club that I stuffed in my bag. According the Heineken it’s the “Biere de Prestige.” It’s Dutch like me, so it’s clearly prestigious. Back to the date. Tina and OG chat on a mountaintop, and OG doesn’t seem very into it. It’s awkward but fine. Am I the only one that is still haunted by memories of her singing the National Anthem in episode number one? The horror…

The one-on-one date is for Amber, who was thrown under the bus by Kate on the group date. OG arrives in a dapper ski sweater and takes her away with the intention of getting to know the “true Amber.” They share wine and fondue by the fire while OG tells Amber of the bitch-talking he heard from the others. Amber tries to calm him about the rumors and OG appreciates her candidness. Ugh…I’m not sure if I believe him because he always sounds like a slightly-stoned frat boy who has trouble piecing together words to make sentences. They kiss, they kiss again in the hot tub, and he gets out to give her a rose. Then they kiss some more.

Rose ceremony time. Stephanie from SC puts it best by—in typical Southern style—elongating a two-syllable word into three. “Tonight is fa-reak-ing crazy!” Kate wears a HORRENDOUS dress that looks like a doily for a funeral, and she fesses up to her stupid rumor-spreading habits. Stupid. Stephanie from SC says her dress is “smokin’ hot.” I beg to differ. I think it should be up in smoke.

Speaking of up in smoke, her future just may be because she continues to throw people under the bus. She is a mess and I hate her. Bevin can hardly breathe because she’s nervous. She clearly needs to get a grip, but OG is into her. He plays with her hair and kisses her.

Kate then continues to spread gossip like wildfire saying that Tina said that Amber almost boned OG in the hot tub. I want her to go ahead and shoot herself in the face. She is a devil woman.

After all the drama, OG gives roses to:

Amber
Tessa
Danielle
Bevin
Tina
Stephanie KS

That means that booby Stephanie SC, back-stabbing Kate and zitty Nicole didn’t get roses. Good riddance to Stephanie and Kate. Nicole was kinda funny, but whatever.

Awards:

1) Throw yourself under the bus award: Kate
2) Best broken kankle: Bevin
3) Fakest boobs: Stephanie SC

Until next week,
Mike

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Oops

Lovers,

So we all know I disappoint you at least once a season. And today is that dark day. I was otherwise engaged last night as our show aired, and I was unable to blog to the masses.

Please be prepared for possible disappointment next week as well. I'll be arriving home from Paris at 8pm next Monday night at which point the ABC execs will helicopter me back to my pad so I can blog away. Without delays, all should be fine. But please realize that I am famous, and my international travels sometimes impede my TV-watching skills.

---

A quick summary of last night:

Andy gives roses to:
Blevin
Amber
Danielle
Stephanie from Kansas
Tina
Kate
Nicole
Stephanie from South Carolina
Tessa

Amanda and Erin are the ones going home.


Until next week (we hope),

Mike

Monday, April 09, 2007

And the shirts are off!

It is episode two. And we already get to see skin! Yay! Go team! But wait....O.G. has an oddly-shaped rib cage and 0% body fat. Dude’s finished the Iron Man six times. I didn’t necessarily love him to begin with, but now he’s just making me feel obese. And, to pat myself on the back a little, I’m not big. In fact, I’m slim. But enough about me, let’s talk about fat Andy. Er wait…he’s all muscle. Mental note: lift more weights. But don’t grow a distorted rib cage.

Episode two has three dates: two group dates and an individual date reserved for Stephanie from South Carolina, the winner of the first-impression rose. She’s trashy, by the way.

Let’s get down to business because the quicker we do, the quicker we can mock O.G.

Date One: The Sunset Strip

Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa join Andy on a tour of the Sunset Strip. First stop: Saddle Ranch, home of the mechanical bull. What better way to get to know the ladies than to watch their jugs shake on a big metal bull! Thus, we get to see shaky boobs for 10 minutes. We all know that nothing gets me going more than boobs, so I was in heaven.

After touring the rest of the culturally-rich Sunset Strip, the crew heads to a hotel where they get to wear pretty dresses and see O.G.’s pretty body. They drink on the rooftop, change into bathing suits, and fawn over O.G.s ripped body. What could be better than the first underwater kiss? Nothing. Thanks for supplying us with the essential awkwardness, Bevin. Oh, and Bevin, please stop pretending you’re old and wise by prefacing thoughts with things like “At my age…” You’re 28. You’re not 65. You haven’t seen it all, my friend.

Andy chose to spend his “Special Quality Time” with Tiffany. More awkwardness ensues. Not only because they each said “Special Quality Time” 17 times, but also because Tiffany is personality-free. Amazing.

Date Two: Iron Man a la Loews Santa Monica

Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton join the Iron Man himself at the Loews hotel for a fitness extravaganza. Erin and Susan, the Besty and Busty Blondes, thoroughly un-impress me with their athletic prowess. I’m not into them…AT ALL. What are they, 12? They were nervous to approach Andy, so they did it together. They were nervous because they sucked at sports, so they sucked together. They were nervous about their dark hair, so they dyed it together. Overall, no fun. I hate chicks like this. Be confident. Stand up for yourself. And stop dying your hair like that.

Amber wins the Iron Man contest, and, well, great for her. This whole date was dumb and I’m over it.

Date Three: Romantic Sunset Cruise

Stephanie from SC gets to take a sunset cruise on O.G.’s yacht. Yeah, it’s not your yacht, O.G. Don’t pretend it is. Stephanie embarrasses humanity by reenacting the Titanic scene on the bow. O.G. laughs nervously (like a lot), Stephanie throws her dignity into the wind…and then it falls into the ocean. Oops…

Pre-Rose Ceremony. Girls say dumb things, the Sorority Recruiter chick defends her fake job, and the Besty and Busty Blondes further live up to the amazing nickname I’ve given them. Tina plays the “Oh poor me, I’m a smart med student” card. I was more like, “Oh poor you, you sang a ridiculous song for him upon meeting him and we all died inside.” Then Tessa gives him a random-ass foot massage and then she breaks down and cries. Weird.

Rose Ceremony.

And the roses go to:

1) Stephanie (from the individual date)
2) Tessa
3) Danielle
4) Bevin
5) Amber
6) Stephanie KS
7) Kate
8) Nicole
9) Tina
10) Peyton
11) Amanda
12) Erin. WHAT?!?

Home: Alexis, Tiffany, Susan (one half of the Besty and Busty Blonde duo)
Awards:

1) Captain Condescension award: Andy O.G. He gives a “I believe in true love, and that person is out there for you” preface to the rose ceremony. I’m sure the girls he dissed appreciated that. Thanks.
2) You’re a Virgin and You’re Going Home award: Alexis. Sorry. You might want to go ahead and cash in that mess.
3) Ears McGee award: Stephanie from SC. You might want to go ahead and tape you ears back.

Until next week…or not…

Mike

p.s. I’m famous and I’m traveling quite a bit in the next two weeks. We’ll see if I send your reason for living.

Monday, April 02, 2007

The Train Wreck Begins

Friends, lovers, ex-friends, ex-lovers and current crushes,

Welcome back to the most holy hour on television. What have I been doing since Lorenzo ruined our lives last fall? Nothing. But thanks for asking. Well, I’m sure I’ve been busy, but I’ve been mildly sedated for most of it because I just can’t find a source of happiness and/or a reason to live when our beloved Bachelor isn’t airing. Thus I turn to my medicine cabinet for solace. But enough about me! Y’all be looking good too!

Before we begin, let’s talk about the build-up for season 82. I must say, the TV ads preceding this season have been ab-filled, have they not? Who has 18 abs? His stomach makes me nervous—I feel like he has that same inflated chest thing going on that my He-Man action figures had in 1984. Am I the only one? How has he stayed active in the Navy with a body like that? We all know that no straight man looks that good in a bathing suit. Oh wait, are we still doing that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mess? I guess he slipped under the radar…

And, without further ado, I’d like to announce the bachelor’s nickname for this season. Since he’s totally ghetto—and by “ghetto” I mean a white doctor/Navy lieutenant with a Duke pedigree named Andy—I’ve decided to call him “O.G.” (Officer and Gentleman, duh). What up, O.G.? How ‘da thug life treatin’ you?

As for his lady friends, I’m loving the predictable cadre of space cadets. There are few surprises. Blondes abound, and we have our requisite “diversity” cases, Texans and Tampa Trash!

On the subject of Texans, though, I’m a bit upset. Four Texans? I can’t. What, did they hold a casting at the Houston Galleria? Or was it at the $30,000 Millionaire Convention in Dallas? Most likely the latter, let’s be honest. And don’t get me started on the four South Carolinians…All in all, 11 out of the 25 lady friends are from the South.

But let’s get off the mathematical equations, and on to the introductions between the most awkward man on television (O.G.) and his suitors. The 25 women arrive one by one, most of whom wearing bad dresses. Not all of whom told bad jokes. Tessa from California told a joke about muffins and I died. Literally almost left the room.

But I saved leaving the room for another occasion—when Tina the med student sang the national anthem in her middle school choir voice. At that point, I hid in the bathroom. I’m serious. I also cringed when Blakeney (I’m sorry, what is your name?) fell because she was wasted. Ain’t nothing but class.

This year’s batch is certainly gainfully employed! ABC casters did well matching up those with interests in the medical field with our Dr. O.G. But some of the others have job titles that…well…aren’t doing them any favors. Let’s start with Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.” I don’t even know what that means. What are you doing recruiting sorority sluts at age 25? Have you not emerged from your booze-soaked undergrad days yet? 7th-year senior are you? Peyton, please try to find another job title that masks what you actually do. When you emerge out of your post-college bubble (the real world), I think you might find that people laugh in your face when you tell them your job. By the way, we live in the real world. Welcome to it. You may want to submit your resignation to Jamma Vi Brata as soon as humanly possible.

A few more notes on the contestants before I laugh at them more…

- Andy/O.G. is seriously embarrassing. I don’t think he’s seen a girl since he joined the Navy because he cannot communicate with them. It’s sad. Now we know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
- Linda from Ohio has biceps bigger than my thighs. Oh, and her ears and eyes are enormous too. I don’t think she’s built well…although she did a push-up contest with him. Good decision? No.
- The “first impression” rose went to Stephanie…only after she asked for it. So dumb. O.G. has no backbone.
- The gymnastic/flip/body tricks were no fun for anyone.
- The cake was no fun either.

One question before the rose ceremony. Is O.G. 5 feet tall? Yes. He’s shorty swing my way. Chris Harrison is taller than him! I mean…

And the roses went to.

1) Stephanie—got the “first impression” rose! Woohoo!
2) Peyton. The lovebirds share a birthday!
3) Bevin—they like each other
4) Kate from SC
5) Alexis
6) Danielle from CT
7) Amber
8) Tiffany from MA—she’s wearing a bridesmaid’s dress
9) Tessa—told the muffin joke
10) Nicole—ugly aqua dress…she’s drunk
11) Susan—blonde for days…and some major nipple action
12) Amanda—cute half-Asian. Smart and cute.
13) Erin—I’m thinking her blonde hair isn’t natural
14) Tina—girl needs to fix her bad voice
15) Stephanie—from Overland Park, Ka (means she works at Sprint)

Awards:

1) Sore loser award: Lindsay from KS stomped out b/c she was wasted and made mess of herself. I. Loved. Every. Minute. Of . It!
2) Best quote: “He short, his head is big, and his teeth look fake”—Lindsay, the drunk ho referenced above. But the chica speaks the truth!
3) Most awkward bachelor ever: O.G.
4) Best (worst) job title: Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.”
5) Out-in-front Future Winner: No one. You all suck.

That’s it for now. I’ll write more next week after having spent a week on the beach because I’m famous.

Mike