Monday, February 27, 2006

This "rocked me to the core!!"

The surprise of the century begins when Travis’s family arrives in Paris. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law and two nieces arrive to see Travis on the verge of ruining a woman’s life, and making the life (let’s be honest, maybe six months max) of another.

Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.

The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.

After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.

Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.

Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).

Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.

And then…

HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!

I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!

Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.

He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”

I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.

I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.

More to come…

With all my lerve,

Mike

Monday, February 20, 2006

“Your Family Pretty Much Threw You Under the Bus”

It was the Bitches Tell All episode, and, being on the road with little better to do, I had to watch. Live from Dallas, it’s my blog.

This won’t be as long as last week, but here are a few highlights.

The first in the hot-seat was Susan (whose family “threw her under the bus”). She sheds the first tears of the evening when every raging bitch rips into her. Led by the angsty Jennifer, the jealous hoes gang up on Susan’s intentions and motives. A few of the earlier-dissed girls defend her, and I side with them. But seriously, BitchFest USA 2006 was pretty hardcore. And I now hate Jennifer—although I loved how Susan went from “falling in love” with Travis to “being in love” with Travis in one sentence.

Next, Stony McStoned-a-lot takes the stage. Sarah from some random country is cute, and she is over Jennifer’s bitchiness.

Next, a cute Kristen saddles up. Her orange-peel teeth haunt us again, but we realize she’s kinda nice and stuff.

Then, Ali G. (or lack thereof) is the focus. She (SURPRISE!!) has declined to show. Brilliant. Maybe it’s because she’s a raging crazy person.

Travis soon arrives, and—as always—he’s a diplomat. Boring…yet chiseled.

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve blogged the Bitches Tell All.

Awards:

Craziest: Da Ali G

Most Jealous: Jennifer

Most Texan: Me. My Texas Tour lasts all week. I plan on buying cowboy boots.

Until the Finale,

Mike

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

True Life: I'm a blogger.



This past week we took some action shots. Publicist thought it a good idea to allow my readers an opportunity to see me in action.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

“I’m not gonna promise anything that I can’t promise.”

Live from LA, it’s me (joined by John and Lindsey). Lindsey and John may be referenced throughout this update, so be prepared. They’re both inappropriate, just like me. That’s the only reason I like them.

So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.

Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.

Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.

After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”

Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.

Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.

Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).

Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”

Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.

Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.

Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.

Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.

And the roses go to:

1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN

Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).

Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.

Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.

Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.

Love to all,

Mike

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I've failed.

I'm faced with a choice: do I write a pseudo-review, or do I maintain my journalistic integrity and confess the truth? I choose the latter.

Friends, lovers, fans and foes, I have failed you. Instead of watching The Bachelor last night, a Fashion Week extravaganza begged for an appearance, and as a star in New York, my publicist thought it best that I attend. And I may have had one (or three) too many glasses of champagne.

A little bird told me this, though. Moana's family is crazy. Sarah from Canada is a stoner who lives in a mythical land to the north. Susan is furthering her career and was engaged in the past. And Sarah from TN is fine.

Roses to Moana, Susan and Sarah TN. Stoner McGee is sent back to "Canada."

Okay, I'm crying. How could I miss all these juicy deets?!?!

Please, I beg of you. Let me win you back next week with a review that will knock your socks off! I'll be watching from LA, so the post will be three hours past its normal time.

Love and apologies,

a humbled Mike