Seriously pissed. Ewww...
Okay, now that that’s out of me, let’s get to the dirt.
First, the boys visited Jen’s hometown. John Paul was the first to arrive in beautiful Cleveland, and said, "I love your town." No. It’s Cleveland. We know you’re lying. Their conversations were diplomatic as always, and we realized that seeing John Paul and Jen together is a bit forced and odd. The script writers were really on during this episode, as each line was delivered with perfect memorization even though everything they said didn’t apply to what they were feeling. Okay, J.P. spoke from the heart, but Jen wasn’t. She should run for president. Jen’s brother is hot, Midwestern, and a little bit mean. He should have taken his shirt off, but instead, he shared a beer with J.P. John Paul’s visit was fine, and the fam loved him.
Next, socially awkward and emotionally barren Jerry arrived in Cleveland. We learned that he is a "Gallery Director." No, he’s a doorman. He used to be a doorman where he got Jen’s ring, and we all know it. His lack of emotion was as evident as ever, and he was nervous and weird at Jen’s house. My favorite? The fact that Mom put Jerry’s flowers in John Paul’s vase. Brilliant. And more on Mom. She totally bobbed Jerry’s knob, and they held hands like a dirty couple. My biggest issue with this visit: were they drinking white zinfandel at dinner? If so, that’s just wrong.
What did we learn from these hometown dates? J.P. is way cuter than we have given him credit for. And Jerry is still weird. As in, holy awkward Batman.
Jen’s friends soon arrived back in New York to stress her out. In case you were wondering, they were still both blonde, and both very dumb. I secretly wondered if they both slept with both men and told Jen who was better. I mean, she needs to know if they’ve got the necessary equipment.
After picking out a horrendous dress for the final rose ceremony and after a teary jaunt with the friends to Harry Winston (if only she knew Jerry used to open the door there!), the friends left to go see the Eiffel Tower. Wait...the Eiffel Tower is in Paris?
Next, the boys headed to Harry Winston. Jerry chummed it up with old co-workers and picked an ugly ring. John Paul, on the other hand, got a $50,500 ring that kicked major ass. Damn, that boy has style.
Too bad his style wasn’t enough. He got majorly dissed at the rose ceremony and is now one of the most eligible bachelors in America. But I’ve reserved him for a friend.
Then we waited an hour for Jen to tell us exactly what I told you a couple weeks ago. Jen’s over Jerry, and she has proven that I am not only amazing, but very smart in my reality prophesy: she is in love with a rich midget in Chicago. She has also proven that this show is the biggest waste of my damn time ever. Sorry friends.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Ugliest Dress: Jen’s. You looked chubby.
2) Hottest arms: John Paul’s. Damn. You be lookin’ fine.
3) Most embarrassing ode to love: The shit-ass song Jerry wrote for Jen. Gross.
4) Quote of the night: John Paul to Jen, "I love your town." Dude, Cleveland doesn’t rock, it blows. Note to the Cleveland city council: just move away already. Your town sucks.
5) Biggest mistake by ABC: Making this night 3 F-ING HOURS LONG! And airing this season to begin with.
6) Biggest liar: "I have no doubts" Jen. The Jen who doubted Jerry’s love for her, and thus didn’t accept the ring at first.
7) Biggest joke of a turn-down: Jen turning down Jerry on live TV. Please, they broke up two months ago. Nice acting Jen and Jerry. You’ve cleary rehearsed.
8) Most skeletons in closet: Jerry. I don’t like you, and when I come to L.A. I might pee on your gallery door. And if you’re really lucky, I might barf on it just like I barfed on a New York City subway this weekend.
9) Biggest gold-digger: Jen. And I thought I liked you...
Until next season (don’t count on it),
Mike, your disenchanted bachelorite
Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
The Men Tell All: Or do they?
Since I’ve never reviewed a "Men Tell All" episode, I don’t plan on breaking new ground.
But I’m doing it anyway. Just a little bit, though.
A few notes on tonight’s show.
1) Chris, our out-dated announcer, referred to Jen as a "Midwest Darling." He forgot to remind us that she isn’t so much a darling, but a "Midwest Gold-digger." *See previous post.
2) Fabrice. Oh Fabrice. Please reference the title of this post. You have neglected to tell us that you’re gay. You are. And you’ve also gained a good 15 lbs (el bees). Your face is fatter, your tummy isn’t toned, and we’re over you. I think you have a crush on Andrew, by the way. And you want me too, of course.
3) Andrew. You’re still hella cute. I want you like it’s nobody’s business. I always knew you wanted me too, so just admit it. Except I’m dating Ian. God I love that he broke up with Meredith.
Until next week, let’s hold our breath. Jen accepts Jerry’s proposal on live TV, breaks up with him a week later, and starts dating a short and fat restaurant owner a few weeks later. God, that’s hot. Do we think my predictions are correct?
Until the *8 p.m.* finale next week (note that it's an hour earlier than normal),
Mike
But I’m doing it anyway. Just a little bit, though.
A few notes on tonight’s show.
1) Chris, our out-dated announcer, referred to Jen as a "Midwest Darling." He forgot to remind us that she isn’t so much a darling, but a "Midwest Gold-digger." *See previous post.
2) Fabrice. Oh Fabrice. Please reference the title of this post. You have neglected to tell us that you’re gay. You are. And you’ve also gained a good 15 lbs (el bees). Your face is fatter, your tummy isn’t toned, and we’re over you. I think you have a crush on Andrew, by the way. And you want me too, of course.
3) Andrew. You’re still hella cute. I want you like it’s nobody’s business. I always knew you wanted me too, so just admit it. Except I’m dating Ian. God I love that he broke up with Meredith.
Until next week, let’s hold our breath. Jen accepts Jerry’s proposal on live TV, breaks up with him a week later, and starts dating a short and fat restaurant owner a few weeks later. God, that’s hot. Do we think my predictions are correct?
Until the *8 p.m.* finale next week (note that it's an hour earlier than normal),
Mike
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Can't Resist
Here's the deal. Don't read on if you want to be surprised by this unsurprising season.
1) John Paul and Jerry both propose. Jen chooses Jerry.
2) They break up a week later.
3) Jen is now dating entrepreneur/club owner/restauranteur Billy Dec, a Chicago native. He's ugly, but rich.
**When I mean not cute, I'm serious:
http://www.rockitranch.com/bios_dec.html
4) Jen was paid $60,000 to do the show this season.
5) Jen is a certified gold digger.
There you have it. God I love my spies who do the dirty work for me!
Let's take bets. Am I right??
1) John Paul and Jerry both propose. Jen chooses Jerry.
2) They break up a week later.
3) Jen is now dating entrepreneur/club owner/restauranteur Billy Dec, a Chicago native. He's ugly, but rich.
**When I mean not cute, I'm serious:
http://www.rockitranch.com/bios_dec.html
4) Jen was paid $60,000 to do the show this season.
5) Jen is a certified gold digger.
There you have it. God I love my spies who do the dirty work for me!
Let's take bets. Am I right??
Juicy Deets
Since I'm famous, I've just heard all the juicy deets about this not-so-juicy season of "The Bachelorette" (i.e. I know what happens, et cetera). Do you love it?
Monday, February 14, 2005
Another bad one.
Review 6: Most boring episode ever
This was the night of nothing really happening except the obvious.
Tonight we met the lovebirds in three tropical locales. While the locales were hot, the romance was not.
The first date united John Paul and Jen in a rainy Bermuda for a hot (I mean not) date. Okay, yes, they were rather cute, and her boobs looked amazing, but the crazy-hot connection was a bit lacking and we weren’t able to hear any hot moaning during their night together in-lieu of a night alone. Ugh...
Next we traveled west to find Jerry and Jen in Hilton Head for date two. Jerry, as always, arrived without his personality, and thus, our night was a bit boring. By boring I mean canned responses, cockiness and his ever-present smirk. Jen had worries of him being a "player," and I think we all shared the same concern. The "all romance (what romance?!?) no substance" premonitions held true as Jerry confused Jen with his pre-packaged cute-isms and meaningless jibber-jabber. Again, we were left with no hot necking in the fantasy sweet. Is Jen a prude, or is ABC toying with our emotions?
Speaking of toying with another’s emotions, we next joined Ryan and Jen in a chilly Cape Cod. I’m sorry, who goes to Cape Cod in the cold? Not fun. Ryan got screwed on this date, and not in the good sense. We began the date with some shameless product placement on behalf of Oral-B’s Brush Up whitening agent. Yeah...I’ve never witnessed such obvious product placement on a reality show before, but I guess there’s a first for everything. After he brushed clean, the two not-at-all-lovebirds had some obligatory chatter. Jen said–in so many words–"Okay, you’re really hot, but your family is LOONY. I have not interest in you." Then, they spent a night in the fantasy suite which probably came without the fantasy, and surely without a happy ending.
My friends and lovers, this date has solidified the fact that I am entirely not invested in this season. I used to approach each episode with an elevated heart rate and a raging case of the smiles. Now I simply gulp my wine and roll my eyes. It’s sad that I, "The Bachelorette’s" number one fan, am disinterested and bored. There is nothing about which to be excited, and I’m sad about the lack of development. At this point, I’m hoping for some sort of disaster. (Picture Jen finding out she’s pregnant with Fabrice’s gay lovechild.)
So, after the supposedly dramatic rose ceremony, we’re left with:
1) John Paul. I'm getting cuter, but I still have a funky lip.
2) Jerry. I'm still super sketchy and honing my acting chops.
Adios to Ryan. Go to Thailand with your parents. I’m sure they’re ready and willing to play "tour guide" for you.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Worst all-black rose ceremony suit: Ryan. Enjoy life back in the reality of your weird family.
2) Worst choice of tie: Jerry. All yellow? Never again, please.
3) Worst dress: Jen. No more shiny, shimmery dresses. You looked pregnant. (With Fabrice’s baby??)
4) Most unimpressed: Me. Ugh.....
Until two weeks from now (I probably won’t review the "Men Tell All" bullshit–except Andrew is making an appearance and I might have to make out with him),
Mike, your disenchanted blogger
This was the night of nothing really happening except the obvious.
Tonight we met the lovebirds in three tropical locales. While the locales were hot, the romance was not.
The first date united John Paul and Jen in a rainy Bermuda for a hot (I mean not) date. Okay, yes, they were rather cute, and her boobs looked amazing, but the crazy-hot connection was a bit lacking and we weren’t able to hear any hot moaning during their night together in-lieu of a night alone. Ugh...
Next we traveled west to find Jerry and Jen in Hilton Head for date two. Jerry, as always, arrived without his personality, and thus, our night was a bit boring. By boring I mean canned responses, cockiness and his ever-present smirk. Jen had worries of him being a "player," and I think we all shared the same concern. The "all romance (what romance?!?) no substance" premonitions held true as Jerry confused Jen with his pre-packaged cute-isms and meaningless jibber-jabber. Again, we were left with no hot necking in the fantasy sweet. Is Jen a prude, or is ABC toying with our emotions?
Speaking of toying with another’s emotions, we next joined Ryan and Jen in a chilly Cape Cod. I’m sorry, who goes to Cape Cod in the cold? Not fun. Ryan got screwed on this date, and not in the good sense. We began the date with some shameless product placement on behalf of Oral-B’s Brush Up whitening agent. Yeah...I’ve never witnessed such obvious product placement on a reality show before, but I guess there’s a first for everything. After he brushed clean, the two not-at-all-lovebirds had some obligatory chatter. Jen said–in so many words–"Okay, you’re really hot, but your family is LOONY. I have not interest in you." Then, they spent a night in the fantasy suite which probably came without the fantasy, and surely without a happy ending.
My friends and lovers, this date has solidified the fact that I am entirely not invested in this season. I used to approach each episode with an elevated heart rate and a raging case of the smiles. Now I simply gulp my wine and roll my eyes. It’s sad that I, "The Bachelorette’s" number one fan, am disinterested and bored. There is nothing about which to be excited, and I’m sad about the lack of development. At this point, I’m hoping for some sort of disaster. (Picture Jen finding out she’s pregnant with Fabrice’s gay lovechild.)
So, after the supposedly dramatic rose ceremony, we’re left with:
1) John Paul. I'm getting cuter, but I still have a funky lip.
2) Jerry. I'm still super sketchy and honing my acting chops.
Adios to Ryan. Go to Thailand with your parents. I’m sure they’re ready and willing to play "tour guide" for you.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Worst all-black rose ceremony suit: Ryan. Enjoy life back in the reality of your weird family.
2) Worst choice of tie: Jerry. All yellow? Never again, please.
3) Worst dress: Jen. No more shiny, shimmery dresses. You looked pregnant. (With Fabrice’s baby??)
4) Most unimpressed: Me. Ugh.....
Until two weeks from now (I probably won’t review the "Men Tell All" bullshit–except Andrew is making an appearance and I might have to make out with him),
Mike, your disenchanted blogger
Monday, February 07, 2005
Footloose and Drama-free
I am writing this in a mini fit of rage. I just spent forty minutes writing the last update and while I was publishing it, I lost my internet connection. Please forgive me if you sense anger in the following update.
Episode five brought little enjoyment to my life. Contrived situations, lack of raw emotion, and four chemistry-free dates were about all we had to cling to here. We traveled to four cities, met four families, and multiplied the boredom by four.
The first date united a cowboy-boot-wearing Jen with John Paul in Oklahoma City (OK!). Although John Paul's oddly-shaped upper lip still looked weird in his hometown, the date went just fine. We met his nice, normal family...a.k.a. the source of all his money. What we liked about this date: his family's nice house, his cute mom, and his dad's man-braces. Brilliant! After the family, we went back to John Paul's own house, which was quite nice for a 25-year-old. The chef of his restaurant cooked them a meal and it was yummy. Wait, who owns a restaurant at the age of 25? And, more importantly, did we know there were restaurants in Oklahoma City? I always figured there were simply local chopping blocks where burly men cut slabs of beef and took them home to grill for their kin. You learn something new every day. Restaurants in Oklahoma? Who knew?!?
The next date brought us to meet Ryan's crazy, unloving, and boring family in Oregon. His parents had just returned home from an exotic vacation in Thailand where they learned that paper umbrellas were made by hand. We, on the other hand, learned that his parents were annoying, his sister was a mute, and the date was awkward. They ate Barburritos. Ewww. Even better? His mom apparently wallpapers with construction paper and makes people sign their names on it. Classic. And very classy too. We figured the romance between Ryan and Jen was caput.
The third date found a smiley and goofy Wendell playing host to Jen. They met at his kickass loft, but soon drove to the burbs to meet his drunk family. Mom, sister Wendy (Wendell and Wendy? Hello?!?), his look-alike brother, and other people who obviously didn't matter enough for me to remember their names. They all drank too much and it was fun. And by too much, I mean just the right amount. Drunky McDrunkerson Wendy needed subtitiles to convey her drunk words, and I loved it. But, sadly, Mom hit it head-on: Jen just wasn't that into him. Oh well, nothing that a few drinks can't take care of.
The fourth date found Jen and Jerry in a powerless Rochester. We soon learned, through, that Jerry is more than meets the eye. He has a deaf mom and he knows sign language. The character development was exciting, but the depth of his character soon evaporated when he said that, "Jen needs to show me her willingness to learn sign language." I'm sorry, what? And we revert to the Jerry we know so well: fake, cocky, and lacking in anything but his supposed good looks.
So there you have it, folks. We are waiting with baited breath for ABC to spice things up. Apparently, they plan on doing just that next week when Jen shakes it up at a dramatic rose ceremony. Will she dump all three guys and re-ignite the love with Firestone? Will she keep all three and have a raging orgy? Or will she ditch the show and campaign for gay rights with Fabrice? Only time will tell.
But for now, we're left with (can you sense my enthusiasm since I'm so invested in them?):
1) John Paul and his funky lip.
2) Jerry and his personality-free lifestyle.
3) Ryan and his weird family.
We're sad to see Wendell go, but since he was more of a brother, we're kind of happy that we don't have to witness what would have amounted to a sort of incest. Yeah...that would have been weird. He's cute, he's Midwestern, and some drunk Chicago slut will make his night this weekend. Speaking of Chicago sluts, I want to give a shout out to all my best girls in Chi-town, and to the chick who inappropriately caressed my nether regions at the bar on New Years. Chicago girls are forward (and oblivious to my hankering for guys).
Tonight's Awards:
1) Orthodontist's dream family: John Paul's fam. Three sets of braces in one family all at once? Oh my!
2) Most powerless city: Rochester. Damn those blackouts!
3) Most boring blogger: Me. Sorry, the juicy drama is really lacking this season.
Until next week's most dramatic rose ceremony ever,
Mike
Episode five brought little enjoyment to my life. Contrived situations, lack of raw emotion, and four chemistry-free dates were about all we had to cling to here. We traveled to four cities, met four families, and multiplied the boredom by four.
The first date united a cowboy-boot-wearing Jen with John Paul in Oklahoma City (OK!). Although John Paul's oddly-shaped upper lip still looked weird in his hometown, the date went just fine. We met his nice, normal family...a.k.a. the source of all his money. What we liked about this date: his family's nice house, his cute mom, and his dad's man-braces. Brilliant! After the family, we went back to John Paul's own house, which was quite nice for a 25-year-old. The chef of his restaurant cooked them a meal and it was yummy. Wait, who owns a restaurant at the age of 25? And, more importantly, did we know there were restaurants in Oklahoma City? I always figured there were simply local chopping blocks where burly men cut slabs of beef and took them home to grill for their kin. You learn something new every day. Restaurants in Oklahoma? Who knew?!?
The next date brought us to meet Ryan's crazy, unloving, and boring family in Oregon. His parents had just returned home from an exotic vacation in Thailand where they learned that paper umbrellas were made by hand. We, on the other hand, learned that his parents were annoying, his sister was a mute, and the date was awkward. They ate Barburritos. Ewww. Even better? His mom apparently wallpapers with construction paper and makes people sign their names on it. Classic. And very classy too. We figured the romance between Ryan and Jen was caput.
The third date found a smiley and goofy Wendell playing host to Jen. They met at his kickass loft, but soon drove to the burbs to meet his drunk family. Mom, sister Wendy (Wendell and Wendy? Hello?!?), his look-alike brother, and other people who obviously didn't matter enough for me to remember their names. They all drank too much and it was fun. And by too much, I mean just the right amount. Drunky McDrunkerson Wendy needed subtitiles to convey her drunk words, and I loved it. But, sadly, Mom hit it head-on: Jen just wasn't that into him. Oh well, nothing that a few drinks can't take care of.
The fourth date found Jen and Jerry in a powerless Rochester. We soon learned, through, that Jerry is more than meets the eye. He has a deaf mom and he knows sign language. The character development was exciting, but the depth of his character soon evaporated when he said that, "Jen needs to show me her willingness to learn sign language." I'm sorry, what? And we revert to the Jerry we know so well: fake, cocky, and lacking in anything but his supposed good looks.
So there you have it, folks. We are waiting with baited breath for ABC to spice things up. Apparently, they plan on doing just that next week when Jen shakes it up at a dramatic rose ceremony. Will she dump all three guys and re-ignite the love with Firestone? Will she keep all three and have a raging orgy? Or will she ditch the show and campaign for gay rights with Fabrice? Only time will tell.
But for now, we're left with (can you sense my enthusiasm since I'm so invested in them?):
1) John Paul and his funky lip.
2) Jerry and his personality-free lifestyle.
3) Ryan and his weird family.
We're sad to see Wendell go, but since he was more of a brother, we're kind of happy that we don't have to witness what would have amounted to a sort of incest. Yeah...that would have been weird. He's cute, he's Midwestern, and some drunk Chicago slut will make his night this weekend. Speaking of Chicago sluts, I want to give a shout out to all my best girls in Chi-town, and to the chick who inappropriately caressed my nether regions at the bar on New Years. Chicago girls are forward (and oblivious to my hankering for guys).
Tonight's Awards:
1) Orthodontist's dream family: John Paul's fam. Three sets of braces in one family all at once? Oh my!
2) Most powerless city: Rochester. Damn those blackouts!
3) Most boring blogger: Me. Sorry, the juicy drama is really lacking this season.
Until next week's most dramatic rose ceremony ever,
Mike
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Ian comes to his senses!
Meredith and Ian SPLIT!
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/02/tv.bachelorettesplit.ap/index.html
Ian, my love, what took you so long? At least I know that our love can flourish now without fear of the paparazzi. This commuting to and from LA simply to clandestinely see each other has been a burden we can no longer bear.
When the couple said, "Things didn't work out as we had hoped," they meant, Ian is in love with Mike, and Meredith isn't in to his dual-life.
See you tonight, my dear Ian. I'll bring dinner to your place at about 8.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/02/tv.bachelorettesplit.ap/index.html
Ian, my love, what took you so long? At least I know that our love can flourish now without fear of the paparazzi. This commuting to and from LA simply to clandestinely see each other has been a burden we can no longer bear.
When the couple said, "Things didn't work out as we had hoped," they meant, Ian is in love with Mike, and Meredith isn't in to his dual-life.
See you tonight, my dear Ian. I'll bring dinner to your place at about 8.
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